dew drop dreams

An old diary

2011-03-26T22:27:00.000+05:30

As i sat to write i remember nothing, think nothing and i just feel the silence of the night, It never scares me, the silence that is.. It always indulges my thoughts, it always purifies my soul, my tired little soul which is always trying to adjust to the wayward ways of life, battling the crowd and the noise. I feel lost in the crowd, Words feel like bullets and people make me feel alone.

I have no answers for questions, i just move on with life, when someone asks me why i am the way i am, i just smile, Why? Does anyone find the answer for this? No. When the sun rises tomorrow i will wake up to the bright light falling into my lap, i get ready, I take a mask and wear it on my face, the mask of intelligence, the mask of confidence and the mask of smile and the cheerful me walks into the world, i blink for a moment at the brightness, and then i am a part of it all.

But tonight, its just me and my thoughts, i am not lonely, i am just alone, no masks and no fear, no artificial smiles and i feel relieved, in the darkness the memories cover me up, and i just look into the sky, looking a the twinkling sky filled with stars a small smile comes on to my face, memories.....

Long back someone sent me a msg, i remember it tonight, in the silence of the night, i remember the person, i remember the words........." dooriyan jab humare rishte mein aaye, tho meri yaadein dil ka dard nahi, jeene ka sahara banao"

Old diaries, they have so much hidden in them, so many feelings and emotions just lying there, in the form of words, and some, in the form of blank pages'

I walk back into my room, closing the doors behind me, covering the drapes, i no longer can see the sky, neither can i feel the silence..... i close my old diary, its almost falling apart, i safely put it in back in to the shelf, hidden behind a pile of books, its just a memory.

Life

2010-11-17T12:24:00.003+05:30

Beautiful skyline, i always like this picture, from the terrace of my house, early morning, the mango groove, coconut leaves and wild jasmine in the back drop of the orange sky, just before the sunrise. Home, it just feels as if its been ages, but then life gives you very few choices, pick the one which suits you the best and then stop cribbing. I have been doing the same. And wish to continue.

Been busy? asked a friend, i had no reply, i will always be busy, that's how i want it to be but somewhere i just left behind a few things; my music, my blog, keeping in touch and generally left behind an important part of my living. Not deliberately, it was getting too difficult to handle everything and i left what i was comfortable with, because it won't hurt others, its ok if it hurts me. There was a scary C word in the family, there was work and then there was more work and with that came petty politics at work place and came the name and the fame and you just need to keep up with it all, cannot loose it can we? but then it hit hard one fine morning.
I guess there was a meeting and the chancellor was talking, i heard the line, " People won't remember that you were right 99 times, they will still talk about that one time when you were wrong"
Is it so? then what am i running for? Ppl will anyway talk, and i am not god:)

And i am back, to the world of music, back to blogging and to keep in touch, i don't know if i will be able to keep up the decision but i will try, 2010 is ending and i hope atleast the new year will bring the cheer for the tired soul.

Rain and the chilled air, the silence in the house as usual, it looks so peaceful, i am listening to Surili akhiyon wale, suna hai teri akhiyon se ,Behti hai neendein aurr neendon mein sapne,Kabhi to kinare pe, utar mere sapno se,Aaja zameen pe aurr mil ja kahin pe" Beautiful song. I wish life was simple, but then its in my hands, as always i mess it up and then i solve the puzzle myself.

A friend sent a quote in the morning " Patience and silence are powerful energies... Patience makes u mentally strong, silence makes you emotionally strong" by Abdul kalam.

yaadein

2010-02-16T19:50:00.003+05:30

There is no end to memories, A smile always comes back when we turn around to look at the days gone by and the days filled with laughter and fun come back in a moment. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then i started typing this post, with those immediate few images from the days gone by which brought a smile and these little precious gems are what makes life worth.

The image of three girls walking down the huge empty roads in the defence quarters and sharing one cup of ice cream. Limited pocket money or the joy of sharing, don't remember what prompted that1:3 ratio:)))))

Amma always bought identical water-bottles, lunch boxes, pencils and pens for both kids, The sixth class studying sis lost her water-bottle cap and silently replaced it with 4th class studying bro's water bottle cap. Thank god the little secret is still a secret:)))))

Talking about the sibling it is not clear how a 1/2 km stretch from school which takes about 15 min to walk back home would take him more than two hrs and one such occasion amma back from office and went in search of him towards the school, only to find him slowly walking with a tiny plant in both the hands and also talking to the plant:( He was just being careful about bringing the plant alive but then amma gives a lecture that i need to be careful and come along with him)))))

The first movie i went to watch with a gang of girls from school, we finished our board exams and we felt so proud of ourselves. It was a comedy movie and my best friend found it hilarious, so much so that she literally started kicking the front seat with her leg while laughing, the one in that seat did not find it amusing at all(((((

Aunty's shop-next to college, she had the best of samosas and we would wait for 9am, that's when the fresh stock came and the co ed college had a ladies room:))) we being the first batch to be admitted into a all boys college and the royal treatment we got every where and i remember naming a senior "Golgappa" I never knew he was a senior:((((( and the whole gang made me repeat "I am a complan girl"20 times for no reason:))))))

A group of college friends, 23 of them, went to watch a movie and16 turned up, we sold the remaining 7 tickets for triple the price we bought them for and partied with the money:))))

I thought PG would be serious stuff and in my first weak to the college, i bunked, in fact everyday i ran away from the economics class, as soon the the professor entered from the front door i used to run from the back door:))))))

The 50 acre campus filled with only women was fun, i tasted canteen food first time in my PG. I imitated Laluprasad yadav on the freshers day and they presented me with a wall painting which is still with me:)))

I know you are going to smile when you read this Pratima:) The first all girls nightouts started not in my PG but when i started working, one bio tech teacher, one food & nutrition teacher and Me, the commerce one:) the long drives and giggling whole night and one particular such time when i guess the downstairs ppl complained about too much noise and sounds, well, we were dancing you see:)
The fried rice you made and the comments which i had, the walk back home late night and early morning walking and whole night singing and giggling is still fresh in memories, and yes, we changed, everything changed but then such is life:) isn't it.

My two best friends are guys, those with whom i can share any news, those who understand my silence and every bit of me, those whom my husband would trust my safety with, amma did the same, its been more than 14yrs and there is no end to it..... they are the strength, they are the weakness, they are the lifeline...

Thank you dear god, for all the good times
And as he posted in his blog
"haan.... waqt yeh bhi guzar jaayega"

???

2010-02-07T20:56:00.002+05:30

I am trying to fight, fight everything which isn't easy, everything which makes me weak, which makes me give up but yet, there are times when i just want to give up. Am i wrong? I am holding on to a thin hope that one day things will be fine, but that's just too thin and the hope is giving away to despair, the smiles are fading away and the darkness sets in and its scary. I wish i can say more, i wish i can talk, i wish i can talk to friends but i am too proud to admit that i am loosing a battle, too proud to admit that i feel depressed. Ya,. depressed.Miss everything of the past, family, friends, life in Hyd, my way of living, my way of thinking, my way of fun, i miss it all. When did i change so much? when did i become so practical? when i did i become such a big loner? why did i push away everyone who cares? I wish i had answers. Just to remember that they do care, even today. I am holding on to a thin line of hope. One day, maybe one day i can share it all here. I am holding on.....

Ye mera ghar...

2010-01-24T21:06:00.011+05:30

I heard a neighbor commenting that there is lot of pending work in our flat, lot more to do, she was surprised, work in progress sorts of... She said.

We never hired a interior designer when we bought this flat.we just had the work done with the help of the carpenters. Basics enough to live in comfort.

And one of my neighbor keeps claiming that all the 16 flat owners( 17th being me and 18th is she) in the building visited her flat to look at the architectural and designer wonder:))))) for which they spent more than 8lacs and she feels so sad for me that i have had no idea of lot of those costly designer wine glasses and bar counter and breakfast counters and those 14 different designer lamps which she has in the living area:))

But then i simply look at my Philips tube light and energy saving Philips lamp again in my hall and say sorry to them:( because i don't need to use any light in the mornings:) I am greeted with this sight:) Open the balcony door and the sunlight enters my home royally:) My whole house is filled with natural light, my bedrooms need thick curtains to curtail light when i don't need it at all. I never told her this but when i sat on my huge bean bag which was gifted recently by dear hubby to use it to contemplate over life i thought i need to write a post:)

We bought this flat in our second year of our marriage, With our savings and home loan, gold loan and just with what we earned in two years. We dint depend on our parents and we are quite proud of the achievement.
For me home is where there is loads of love, where there is peace and where i just can smile and be content. We ran around in search of it all and when we found one we were clear about one thing, we wanted a flat with lots and lots of sunlight, with lots of natural light and where i don't need to depend on the fans and AC for breathing fresh air. As i am typing this the cool breeze is making my bedroom curtains dance and the fans are as usual switched off. More than the designer kitchen i was clear about the space in the kitchen, about the light part there too:)

The day we registered the house we achieved our dream of owning a house and i didn't want expensive designers simply because it was too much of a cost and it was better to build our savings which were nil then and we just did that.

Right decision, in a few months recession started and we survived without much tension. Pay cuts didn't take away the smile and content. And i have no regrets about the simple house part. It is almost 1yr 8months since we entered in to this house and every day i changed something and i keep doing so. I am always in some corner of this house admiring something made by me, planned by me, potted by me and painted by me. It can be just a cushion cover or a tomato plant, or the rangoli or the flower arrangement, the table mats or the bedsheets, nothing expensive, but everything has a story to tell and it makes it special.

The small place made for puja is simple too, but it is a place filled with lot of positivity, the place which gives me strength to smile in pain, to move on with life and face the challenges of daily life. Its the place where husband folds his hands for a few min and closes his eyes.
This house and this place made him believe in god, the first time when he folded his hands and agreed to pray, to come to a temple and to sit in a puja.Every morning the chanting of om re vibrates in this corner of the house. Before leaving the house i just fold my hands, tell him to keep me safe and walk out with a smile and with out any fear.

And then there is this green cover in my house, the plants in all corners, not leaving any place where there is even a hint of sun light and every morning i am greeted by different colors, of nature, of hibiscus, roses, tomatoes, brinjal, methi, coriander, green chillies, Bitter gourd and lot more. I greet them every morning, smile at them, i have tears when i see a plant withering away, I water them myself, i keep changing the places, make sure there is enough sunlight and in the evening while the sun sets, i am sitting in my small balcony, listening to the music, husband sipping his ginger tea and i look at the orange gray sky just to remember that life is all about Work In Progress. The day it is done,completed, everything achieved, we no longer live to enjoy the small beautiful moments. Yes, my house will always be WIP and i am glad the way it is:) And as i publish this i am listening to.."Aaa chal ke tujhe main leke chaloo.n, ek aise gagan ke thale, jahan ghum bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho, jahaan pyar hi pyaar pale...." Makes sense, isn't it:)

Bade acche lagthe hain...

2010-01-17T20:56:00.004+05:30

I worked today, I mean i was in college today, on a sunday:) If i was given a choice i would have been at home but then i work for a college and i don't own one:)))) We were given a holiday on Friday (solar eclipse) and then were asked to compensate on a Sunday. Well, life is like that. The choice was upto me, either i go or take a CL. Hmmm, but then this time it was a little different. I am on a NO leave mode.Yes, past two months i din't apply for even one CL, and am making sure to handle it this way for an other one month ( touch wood, touch wood).
But on a Sunday? College, hmmm, that's when it stuck, a simple point, "When you know you need to do it, when you know there is no choice, why not do it with a smile?" and trust me, it works. So yesterday night unlike any other Saturday i slept on time, before that i did check the ink in my pen which i do for all 6 days except for the Saturday, and then i sat and changed my play list in my phone. Added a few songs which i dint listen from a long time and then selected my favorite maroon color saree and even decided on a matching hair clip (which is so rare)., changed into another hand bag:).
Got up at 7am and hubby decided to make it a bit easier and bit nice, he got me breakfast from my favorite darshini, 7.30am the regular auto driver was waiting down and i got into it with a smile. and then i started listening to the very recent, "dil toh baccha hain ji" from Ishqiya. Beautiful song, amazing voice and went on to this one old song from the movie Anurodh... "Aap ke anurodh pe mein ye geet sunaatha hoon.." Rajesh khanna? I like the song.
By the time i got down at the college i was listening to a song by kishore and aarthi mukharji.." do panchi, do tinke, kaho leke chale hain kahaan.." old movie again, donno the movie but a sweet song.
My day was good, all around there were some people irritated, some grumpy, some cribbing, some angry and others indifferent. But there were those who took it in their stride, cheerful, laughing and sharing a joke. And then there were students, for a change i went into the class with a smile, did let them take a break and chitchat, and from being a strict ma'am i became a nice ma'am who let the students in when they came late, gave them attendance even when they missed it, stopped teaching a little early and let them talk and we even discussed about 3 idiots. I heard a back bencher even commenting that all my classes need to be on Sunday ( nah,tough luck dude, this is just a one time show, if i need to do so every Sunday then it looses its charm and its just another day)

Hubby came to pick me up, i saw a group of students trying not to look into the car but still wanted a glimpse of the husband:) To know a little more about the teacher, I remembered my college days, i did the same many a times:) We always used to try and find out if a teacher was married, if she had kids and where does she/he live..... Its fun:)

When i came back home i knew i was smiling, happy and content. My day was good, i don't need to crib and i have no complaints about working on a Sunday, because i chose not to crib or feel bad about it. Its in my hands, most of the times? it is, i chose to be happy and i am happy, for a change no outing this Sunday evening, He is out with his friends, and i chose to stay at home with my music and my blog. In the silence of the night there are a few sounds which keep me company. the occassional honking on the road, the cooker vigil in the next house, The lift opening and closing near by, someone is talking on phone and i can hear them laughing, guess on the terrace somewhere, and then i am listening to the song from "Balika vadhu" Amit kumar singing.." Bade acche lagthe hain, ye darthi, ye ambar....."

Life is simple and i wish it remains the same, and the day it won't, i will try and make it simple. Today is one day where i learnt with exp, "Its my choice to smile and be happy" I wish the wish comes true.
Have a wonderful week ahead people:)

"Dil ki Kalam se"

2010-01-10T21:07:00.006+05:30

I guess she still hopes to see Raja again, Never been alone from the day we brought her home, Raja was her hero, her partner and the one whom she followed everywhere and now she is all over the house searching for him. But i guess in last two months she got used to his absence but then at times there is that look on her face which shows the loneliness. I wish death never happens but i know its a bitter truth and we all have to live with it. I only hope to be a little more stronger and accept this truth. Cannot let it break me down so badly.

15yrs of friendship and a small argument and i heard a line from a dear friend saying "we are not asking you people to leave, we want a separate state, you can live here if you want" and it made me speechless. Stung like a bee, who am i? Coming from one of the most fertile region is my mom and dad from one of the most backward region and i am born and brought up in Hyderabad.Settled in Bangalore, so where do i belong to? Regionalism took way the faith in a 15yr old relationship. Hurt and angry, i don't want to take calls from him. Don't know if i am wrong but for now, i feel much better to be away from arguments about division of states:)

Hubby is in Hyd, been home alone past three days, it feels so good and i also realized something, When he is away i miss him and when he is at home i always crib and argue with him (well, not always) When at home he doesn't talk much but when he is out of town he will sure call every few hrs to know if i am OK and if i had my food.Brings a smile, strange relation this one, says nothing but makes you feel so special yet.

He is bringing this plant(Radha manoharam) from amma's garden, holding it in a box and keeping it on the berth in the train, because i love the feel of having a plant from home,to make me feel a part of the place i grew up in.

I am happy, i know its not easy for him to do all this, the one who travels only with his laptop and minimum luggage and prefers a flight most of the time, not easy to bring plants, fruits and veggies and home made sweets and my sarees and random list of purchases which i demand from amma and MIL. He will crib but he will bring them all, in a train, missing his precious sleep and when i am opening all those packets he sits there silently, listening to me, not understanding half of the importance of each little thing there but still trying to understand the emotions. Thanku Sri:)

New year, new hopes and i wish half of them to turn to reality. Winter is fading away slowly, The morning sun brings nice warm feeling and my garden is in bloom.Roses and hibiscus which i use for the morning puja and the sunlight early in the morning covering my kitchen utility and the the smell of incense sticks and the smell of strong coffee, the vibrant colors of nature all around and silence in the house,
I thank god for the peace and for the hope. I don't believe in resolutions but i promise myself about a few things. One, i will continue blogging, it helps and second, I won't let the weaker me take over my strength, i wont let myself hurt so much that ----------, i wont let anybody play with my emotions, Simply stating, i won't let anyone make me cry easily and i wont loose my patience. And yes, one last but most imp for me, I will accept life as it comes to me:)
Cheers, have a wonderful Monday morning all of you. Thank you for all the comments in the last post, means alot to me. Makes me happy, makes me smile and makes me write:)

I am listening to "Phoolon Ke Rang Se Dil Ki Kalam Se Tujhko Likhi Roz Paati, Kaise Bataaoon Kis Kis Tarah Se Pal Pal Mujhe Tu Sataati, Tere Hi Sapne Lekar Ke Soya Teri Hi Yaadon Mein Jaaga,Tere Khayaalon Mein Uljha Raha Yoon Jaise Ki Maala Mein Dhaaga" from Prem pujari. Heard it before? if not go and listen to it. One of the most beautiful songs:)

new year

2009-12-31T20:12:00.002+05:30

Personally i wouldn want to look back at 2009 for any fond memories, it was filled with lot of negativity, personal loss, health scares and emotional differences, family feuds and whatnot. End of it all, hopefully, Every new day brings in a new hope, and every new hope brings in loads of dreams and i wish them to become real, i wish it for all, A happy and wonderful new year to all of you ( i.e, if anyone still comes to this place)

RIP

2009-12-02T12:04:00.005+05:30

I thought i will have a thousand words to say but right now all i have is silence, the tears wont stop and the pain wont go away. You left us, silently, middle of the night, without a sound, just resting your head on the shoulder, you stopped breathing, we knew you will go but then no one is ever prepared, RAJA, we miss you, i don't want to go back to a house where you wont be there. 40 days with out eating food, you knew you have to go, we tried every damn medicine, every damn injection and glucose and whatnot, but as if you were telling us to let go. we stopped, after 30days, not before giving a last look at your frail body and the tiredness on your face when we took you to the doc one last time. We wanted you to leave in peace, not in pain, the last ten days you just were lying in the bed, and one night you left, just like that. Its been 11yrs when you first came into our life. I wish you could be with me forever, i dreamed of introducing you to our kids, to see how you will react but then you had to leave. I have nothing more to say, the tears wont stop. God bless you kid, be safe in the heaven.

Raja
RIP

1998-2009

"chand taare"

2009-11-02T13:20:00.006+05:30

6am, Alarm rang and i wistfully opened my eyes, what if i don't go to office today? The world will not come to an end, Nah, that was not me, but husband who was getting ready to the office, but what if i don't inform anyone? No answer. errrr, he left, his cab is waiting. Hmmm, no coin to toss and make a decision, i am not going, i told myself and back into the warmth of the blanket and entered the land of dreams.
I din't bother to inform that i am on leave today, switched off my alarm, i slept and told myself the world is not going to end if i don't work for a day. Its ok to break the rules at times, its ok to not follow the instructions, its ok to not feel guilty and i slept.

Then, i woke up, just like that, 8am,without any alarm or without anyone waking me up and the silence was deafening, I know the guilt factor creeping. 8am, the time when the regular auto driver must be waiting down past ten min, attender at college must be wondering not to see me reading the morning newspaper which i carry myself from the reception and how he everyday cribs that i come first and he should be the one who must be early, I could feel his happy smile:)

Switched on the phone and the first msg reads from my best friend and colleague, "Don't bring the breakfast,i will get your fav dish" Damn, now i better act, called her up, informed her the reason, called the college, the attender was in a happy mood:))))) Msgs passed on and i went back to sleep.This time i know i wont wake up till someone bangs the door and till i feel hungry:)

Amma is the one who made me like this, Perfection is her pet word and rules are her passion and i am scared i will become like her,i want to break rules, for once, i never did that in school or neither in college:( I wish i could do it now, i know this is my last chance. When i have my kids, it would be my turn to preach them:)

The day is good, bright sunlight creeping through the orange curtains and loud music, loads of flowers in the balcony, the sparrows on the balcony grills and i am listening to "Chand taare ,thod laaon" from Yes boss. Anybody remembers the movie and incidentally today is SRK's birthday. Hmmm, any connection?

Oh, and i forgot, i am also having a big bowl of Icecream, choco almond blah blah blah something. And i just now finished watching Wake up sid. Now rest of the time will be spent at Farmville on facebook. Wow, seriously one day if you don't go to work there is so much to do. hmmm, but then because i work these small moments of stolen freedom seems so special, if i had to do all this everyday it looses its charm, isn't it.
So many precious lessons in life are learns in simple ways, small experiences teach us alot, just that we need to be alert at such times to understand the true meaning, learn it, accept it and apply it to life. Last week i learn one such lesson, "You cannot get everything in life, its a matter of choices" and thank god i made a right choice and god did give me the right gift when i was confused myself.
I learnt prayers do help, trust me, when we simply fold our hands and leaving besides our ego and frustrations and helplessness pray to him, prayers do work. Miracles do happen, I know they would, We dint give up, and we are on the road to recovery, thank god for small mercies and thank god for someone above who listens to us, to the prayers and to the helplessness in one's own capacity.

I love my life:) Have a good week people.

zindagi

2009-10-04T20:44:00.006+05:30

" aye zindagi gale lagaale, humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaaya hain, hai na."
Beautiful song and its been a peaceful and silent sunday. I wonder at times how two people in the same house can go silent for such long hours. But we do. He was busy, with work and i was busy, with diwali cleaning, with my plants and my blog. After four hours or so the first word was spoken, and we both said the same thing, it feels good to be silent at times.

It sure does, it makes your mind calm and it helps you to talk, just that you are talking to yourself. There are so many such times when i talk to self, i question and i come up with an answer too, so many decisions are taken that way, the clutter in the mind is emptied that way.
It helps me. And as i was working on my project forgetting everything, he is sitting next to me, lost in his own world, there is absolute silence, he is watching a movie and i suddenly hear his laughter, with his headphones and staring into his laptop screen he is laughing, oblivious of his surroundings, busy enjoying himself and strangely without knowing the reason i also smile and then i laughed, I had no reason but looking at him i also laughed. The smile stayed for a long time, i felt a part of his happiness, and i felt happy too.

The day was calm and silent,an occasional door bell, newspaper read leisurely , morning coffee, simple lunch and afternoon nap, hot shower and the evening puja, arathi and the chandan smell filling the house, a bowl of fruits with honey and the sunset ended the day.
Filling the ink in my pen and painting my nails and keeping my bag ready for tomorrow i just wished it to be a good week ahead, and sitting in the balcony and seriously polishing his shoes he must be thinking the same. Taking out the clothes for tomorrow, switching on the geyser and preparing for the breakfast i continued praying for a better week. Charging his mobile, setting the dinner on the table, locking the doors, switching off the lights in rooms and filling the water bottles he must be wishing for the same.

As i finish typing the post we are getting ready for sleep, hoping for good dreams and a wonderful tomorrow. Wishes come true, or do they? Well, time can only tell, With the sunrise it would be a new day and with the new challenges we can only pray, we can only hope and we can only wish. We did it all. Hell, no worries, after last few months we are ready for anything now:) Have a good week ahead all of you:)

"chota sa saaya tha, aankhon mein aaya tha, humne do boondo.n se..."

:)

2009-09-18T21:16:00.005+05:30

Little things which make us realize the importance of people in our lives and importance of those small and simple pleasures which we tend to forget. We are busy:) I am busy, or rather i was busy, No, i suddenly didn't get any gyanodaya and neither did anyone make me realize the importance of these things.

It just happened, it happened when i looked at my dying Hibiscus plant in the pot, it happened when i realized that its been ages since i thought of music, and its been a long time since i smiled effortlessly. It happened when i forgot my own birthday, Yeah, until husband wished me. Then i knew its time to wake up, Take it easy. So what did i do:) Worked on my dear hibiscus and prayed, it was almost dying and i lost hope,but still watered it daily and gave it the dose of vitamins and minerals,i saw the first leaf one day, and then it started recovering, today morning i woke up to see this.
The bright orange flower, the first after almost 4 months and i knew its time to understand the importance of those little moments.

I have a peculiar way of getting out of depression, I start cleaning,dusting and scrubbing ,its not that i am cleaning the house, i am cleaning my head, removing all those cobwebs and negative thoughts, the depressed feeling, Cleared everything.
At least tried and it started raining, heavily, and it helped, the silent house, the little drops of rain and the rain drenched leaves and flowers, the clothes drying on the hanger, the traffic outside, the sparrows on the grill and the silence in the head.

Lat two months saw me constantly travelling, a wedding at home and then the emotional challenges of handling people and their problems, caught between egos, confused because you cannot take sides and then end of the day you are blamed for not taking the sides. But how do i tell them i am not ready to loose anyone. Tired, confused,drained out of energy it took a toll on my health:)

A break, not only from work but from the emotional helplessness which i was facing, helped, the severe spondylities pain is now better, the black circles around the eyes vanishing, the ever tiring feeling gone and i am feeling fresh, and i am going to take things easy, Problems are a part of my life but not my life itself:) I am fine and i am much better, life is again back to normal, work, fun, smiles, silence and laughter,music, the greenery around, the smell of rain, the twinkling stars and the morning sun , driving late in the night where both of us have nothing to talk but so much to share, in a way, simple pleasures are all making it better. Life goes on and i am Back.

Thank you for all the mails and calls:)

Just like that

2009-06-30T22:52:00.007+05:30

Now i am fine, after sleeping for three hours and getting up at 10pm ( yeah, right) and blogging about it all makes me feel better. Its happening past few days, There is this lady in our apartment whom i know.
There are times when she comes home, just like that, for an hour or so, talks about everyone in the building, asks all personal details and whom i smile at and keep answering in hmmm, haan..... Happening for more 6months, now the lady suddenly realized that i never visit her flat, well, to be frank, I don't go anywhere. I am averse to chitchatting, gossip, time pass and other such nice words. I cannot make small social talk, all you find me doing is giving a smile and at the association meetings i am busy sticking to the agenda and not sharing news, Thank you.

I am invited to her house, and i politely told her i would be busy and will visit as soon as i find time. And i couldn go, past one month or so, genuinely i wanted to go, But just couldn make it.
And last i met her is in the parking lot today evening and she invited again, I told her i will come the next Saturday and that it is not possible on a weekday and that evenings i am busy mostly and i am still not able to handle my anger at her words in reply, she says "What work do you have, a maid who does everything, just cooking for two ppl and you come home at 4pm and teaching profession is such easy profession, what makes you so busy, if you are so busy now how will you handle kids in future! ! ! and blah blah blah, you don't have your in laws also here, so no tensions at all, why crib??"

I am furious, i just walked off, came home, took bath and slept, yeah, my way of handling anger, and now i woke up when the whole world is going to sleep. A few points which i could have said to her but didn't.

My in laws or parents are in other state but i spend talking to them all at least two hours in the evening. They miss us and so do we.I Don't crib... by choice.

I am in teaching profession by choice, i love my work and before i forget, i teach, subjects like finance, consumer behavior, mngt concepts, wish i could teach something about behavior to you too.

Yes, right now we are only two and we really are happy with the choice and no, it is not easy just because we are only two, i still cook 3 dishes, pack lunch for my husband at 6am ( no, i don't want him to eat at the office canteen like your own hubby who goes to office at 9am) I leave for college at 7am, and i carry my lunch, and when i come back i have a list of things to delegate to the maid and list of things to give orders to the husband ( yeah i do that too) and he is happy being ordered. He is not the typical husband material!!!!!

Yes, i do have free time in the evenings and the pictures show it clearly that the greenery in my apartment is not god sent, and not the work of my maid and it doesn't come free, it takes time, every evening i water them on my own, checking for weeds, happy when i see the flowers blooming, taking pictures, trying to find new places for more pots and in general maintaining my little green patch which is a hard work of one year.

I would rather pick up my jasmines, roses, offering them to god and giving them to the kids playing, growing my own methi, coriander, Spinach, tomato and feel proud of it, I would rather spend my time converting my old plastic mugs and water jugs into small flowering pots and sowing seeds and be very proud of it when i get a pat from husband and let me tell you, my maid is also proud of me!@$%

All the pictures you see here are my own, i grow these plants, i talk to them, i don't go out of town until i find someone who can take care of them in my absence and apart from all this i watch movies, i listen to music, i blog and i read and keep my house clean and make sure that i am nice with people who are nice to me. So next time i don't smile at you please remember it was your fault and now nothing can be done.

Wish i could have said this all to her, all i could do was to stare at her, walk off, and i am feeling better now after blogging about it:))))
Now off to the world of dreams, remember, i got work to do, i am not as vela as she thinks i am!@$%@$#^#%.

Ssssssssshhhhh

2009-06-19T01:13:00.003+05:30

At 1am i am listening to this song here You don't need to know the language to like music.
Today i changed my phone ring tone to this theme music.
I sorted out 375 snaps into different folders today.
Sorted out the downloaded music into various folders.
Cleared lots of mail, replied, deleted and sorted out the contact lists.
Downloaded 10 new songs from old movies:)
Spoke on phone for 30min, changed the theme on my phone, set new images and ringtones for various groups.
Sorted out loads of e-books and done with the backup of the important files.
Charged the batteries for my cam, for the TV remote, set the channels in the set top box, marked the favorites and sorted out all the movie CD's.

Husband came home at 4.30pm, he wanted to know how i spent my holiday, what i did the whole day. I gave him the list.

Gave the clothes for ironing, sorted out the laundry.
Ordered vegetables, fruits, cleaned the fridge.
Sorted out the cutlery and found that my favorite blue handle spoon is missing, one fork is not to be seen and i dint find two new kitchen hankies also.
Made a grocery list, of what we don't need to buy and the list of things to be bought today itself.
Two new pots are added today to my 19 flower pots, i added a few seeds of methi, chilli, tomato and coriander.
One water jug was converted into a small flower pot and one copper mug now holds the money plant in the hall.
Pruning, cutting and adding rose mix to my plants.
Sorted out my wardrobe and declared i need to go for shopping.
Made chutney powder and gave a small bottle of it to the neighbor and chatted with her for 40min, we shared recipes you know:)

Well, i did want to continue and tell him another 4 or 5 points, but he stopped me. He declared i must be tired and he took me out for dinner. So no cooking and i never, never told him that the works in the above list hardly took an hour from morning and rest of the time i was in front of my laptop taking care of the first list.

It is an advantage sometimes not to talk:)))

Memories

2009-06-10T19:46:00.005+05:30

Its a pleasant evening, well, No rain, not very hot, nice breeze and the dancing leafs in my tiny flower pots makes it feels good, i opened all the doors.

I was in the kitchen, making sambar and i suddenly wanted to write a post, Yes, i know i am weird, what to do, we are like this only. By the way,thanks mom for that recipe and thanks to SIL who gave me the gyan about curryleaves and the imp of them for enhancing the aroma,:)

It feels nice when i get to know about the little kitchen secrets from MIL, Mom or SIL. I am not a wonderful cook but i do my job pretty decently,hmmmm, maybe because its more than job for me:) The stories attached to a particular dish, the memories of it, Yes, i mean it. The memories attached, I said i rushed to write a post, because the sambhar brought back memories of childhood days, of peddamma or my mom's elder sister, my cousins and the village.

The humid and hot summer evenings when we used to come back lazily from the fields, we went along with the servants and along with my uncle, played in the hot sun, ate sugarcanes, mangoes & thati munjelu or Toddy palm seeds as they are called, jumped into the river canal, I climbed trees, those big banayan trees and from the edge of a stem used to jump into the river, i did it, used to bribe the servants and my cousin so that they let us do all that the village kids did.

Came back home at sunset, and peddamma sure never knew what we were up to, sometimes all the 4 km from the fields would be walk or at times in a bullock cart or a tractor and when we enter the house the smells of sambhar welcomed us, she made it most of the evenings, with small sambhar onions and simple tadka, slowly simmering in an earthen pot on a kumpati ( a stove made of mud and uses charcoal or timber) My cousin always cribbed that she never makes anything special but for us it was special.

No coming inside the house unless you take bath, she would order and when we did she used to give permission to light the lanthern. Four or five of them, for each room, neatly cleaned and oiled and lighted, we used to keep it in rooms, and then the beds would be put in the varandah, nulaka mancham they were called and we all start talking, it would all be about us, me and my brother, the special guests, and there were no boundary walls, the neighbours sometimes joined in.

Night silent with occassional bells ringing tied in the cows neck and 8pm, we all used to sit down for dinner, outside, in the open yard, near the kitchen and she used to serve hot rice and little bit of new mango pickle, i used to insist for more but she refused always, and dollops of ghee, avakkaya annam:) and then second round would be the sambhar, shifted to a small bowl, it used to go round and everyone used to complain it is hot but not stop eating, accompanied by vadiyalu ( or papad) the taste was awesome. And comes the third round, yes, the one where we were not supposed to complete the meal without having curds, but we are full" we always complained, but she never would agree.

Satisfied and sweating because of the hot food, we then used to jump into the beds with the visanakarra ( or handheld fans) and start talking again, till late into the night, there is river krishna flowing right in front of the house and the coconut plams, the hibiscus near the cow shed, the jasmine near the kitchen and the big mile stone just in front of the house whre i used to sit in the evenings and watch the boat ( or ballakattu) sail by.

There is much to write but somehow i feel sad and silent, the words don't form sentences, there is a lump in the throat, i miss that place, the people, peddamma lost 25yr old son, my cousin, i still feel its not true and then her daughter, my elder sister had a marital problem and they lost most of the property and left the place.

Its been long back, And i never went back to that place, my brother did, he met the kids with whom we played, but i never went, i have happy memories of the place, now its abondened and no one lives there, the bushes and trees make it look like a jungle, the boat is broken and not many come to this side of the river, the milestone, the river, the big banayan tree are still the same, but everything else changed, I don't want to go back. I have memories, they make me smile, pushing back the tears i gave a stern warning to the husband that he dare not getup from his dinner before having curds. So our dinner was avakkaya annam, sambhar, vadiyalu, perugu. Memories- they make life so beautiful and worth living.

blah blah

2009-06-04T11:23:00.007+05:30

Unofficially i will be back in college from tomorrow, Vacation over:( I don't want to go. I am surprised that i am quite sad and silent about going back to work,I want to stay at home, take care of my plants, my house, listen to music, watch movies or in short i just want to do what i want to do.
But not possible, i know, not always we get the luxury of living life the way we want to. We need to make compromises, no controversies, let me rephrase, I need to make compromises, So does the Husband. There are times when he just cannot get up at 5am to get ready by 6am and wait for the cab, i see him mumbling something about taking a leave but in last 6 months he hardly took any leave.
He pushes himself, i guess he remembers the market conditions, the job threats and the EMI we pay for the flat and other random stuff. I on other hand don't remember any such things, every morning when i get up at 7am to be in the office by 8am i look at the other side of the bed and remember the man who is working hard to make it easy in future and i just start getting ready.

Its mutual, the fear of loosing out, the fear of not being able to have a comfortable living for which we struggled hard and the looming past which always reminds of the darkness and helplessness we felt at times as children, When he lost his mom and when my dad walked off. We both know what pain is, we both know about not having enough, we both know about struggle, we both know about being left alone, about being deprived, About broken families and tears.

But all this made us strong, made us understand life. There are times when we get suggestions about having kids, about making more money and about changing jobs and shifting to another country. Times when we just listen, smile and move on with our life. Not that it dosn't hurt, it does. Specially when someone talks about kids, Isn't it supposed to be a very personal and private matter for me and him? For me staying away of about 600km from my family is nothing less than being in another country, and same goes for him, how he gets worried about his dad and feels guilty about being away from him.
The jobs we have are our choice, someone recently suggested we takeup the building association secretary post because our timings are perfect and are back home by 4pm and i am still fuming, we start to office when all others are still tucked warm in their beds, evenings are the only time when we get time to talk,to share or make calls to family, talk about bills and shopping, plan and dream, which we do alot, cook and share a meal together. The ME time and the WE time is in the evenings and we need to balance and we do that. TOUCHWOOD.
Is it so hard to respect someone for what they are? Do you need to voice your opinion about others life so easily? No idea.
I started this post to say something to the husband, just to tell him that "Yes, i dont like to work anymore, yes, i feel irritated to go back to work, but still every morning when i wake up i tell myself that this wont last long. Not everything is as per our wishes, not everyone is what we want them to be, We accept life and people for what they are, we make changes when it becomes impossible to take another step, till then we are like this only, Happy, content, laughing silly, dreaming and at intervals we have bouts of complaints, cribbing, screaming, tears and sadness. Sri, just to tell you that we have a perfect life. A mixture of all emotions, that makes us complete"

So, wish me for tomorrow, wish me that i have a good time at work, wish me that there will be less controversies, wish me that i smile a lot and wish me that i have a good health and wish me to be what i am, wish me that i don't change:)

For today i am enjoying the breeze and the clouds and listening to this song here Let me know if you like the song.

thoda hain....

2009-05-11T14:12:00.009+05:30

"chandnii raat mein, ek baar tujhe dekhaa hai,Khud pe itraate hue, Khud se sharmaate hue,chandanii raat mein " the sounds of music fills the house, Thank god that we took the flat to the other side of the road, no traffic sounds, I don't miss looking at the main road lit up and moving vehicles at night, i prefer my silence and my plants in my balcony, and i can see the kids playing with a puppy and a few kids playing shuttle and the neighbor lighting a lamp in front of tulasi plant, I wanted it this way and i got it.

A week's stay at Hyderabad made me realise i miss my home, miss bangalore not as a city but as a place where i made a little place for myself, "mera ghar" When at InLaws place and saw those mango trees and loads of jasmines she pluck for me i dreamed of doing the same for her when she comes to bangalore, but maybe not loads of them, for my jasmine plant in a pot yeilds a few of them, but then:)) I selected the most beautiful....." Thoda hain,thode ki jaroorat hain, zindagi fir bhi yahaan khoobsoorat hain...." from the play list.

"Ankhiyon Mein Chhote Chhote Sapne Sajaike,Bahiyon Mein Nindiya Ke Pankh Lagaike,Chanda Mein Jhoole Meri Bitiya Rani,Chandni Re Jhoom Ho Chandni Re Jhoom" Sanjeev kumar in Naukar if i am not wrong, Its been ages since i heard this song, too many songs:) or say that's why when i find it after a long time its fresh again and as beautiful as ever. Staying alone is a blessing at times, no need to make unnecessary conversations or you need to have a partner who understands your need to be silent and i am lucky i guess:)

"Kya mausam hain,aye deewane Dil,Chal kahin door Nikal Jaaye,Koi Humdum Hai,Chaahat Ke Kaabil,To Kisliye Hum Sambhal Jaayenge,Chal Kahin Door Nikal Jaaye..." Kishore, Lata and rafi, What a combination..
I was listening to this song yesterday, we went on a long long drive, its rare for us, both of us are lazy and not much of long drive and romantic evening kinds:) but we did, yesterday, He insisted and we went, the colors in the sky were matching the mood and the music, well spent evening, and hubby turns to me suddenly and says "Hey i forgot to tell you something, Happy wedding anniversary" Yes, after three days he realized he had to wish me:) On the day of the anniversary we were busy with my brother's engagement, everybody wished us but we had no time to wish each other, i am yet to wish him, well, right time, or say right moment is what i am waiting for:)
Well, what to do, we are like this only:) And i got my gift too, one of my favorite CD's, "Malgudi days" He did notice that i was longingly looking at it last time when we were there:)

Waise, how many of you remember this line from my favorite movie Bawarchi " Its so simple to be happy but so difficult to be simple" aanwala pal jaanewala hai, ho Sake To iss mein zindagi bitaado Pal Jo Yeh, Jaanewala Hai.....

All happies:)

2009-05-04T14:41:00.001+05:30

Happy wedding anniversary sri:) Its been a wonderful journey and if not for you i wouldn have been what i am today. Thank you for letting me be what i am, For letting me make mistakes, letting me learn, never stopping me for anything and holding my hand when i fumble. C ya in Hyderabad on May 7th, three years back we were there getting married and three years later we will be there witnessing one more family member getting engaged:) Cheers to many more happy times:)

"too is tarah se meree jindagee mein shaamil hain,
jahaan bhee jaaoo ye lagataa hain teree mahafil hain,
ye aasamaan ye baadal ye raasate ye hawaa
har yek cheej hain apanee jagah thhikaane se,
kaee dinon se shikaayat naheen jamaane se,
ye jindagee hain safar, too safar kee manjil hain

Baatein

2009-04-27T20:16:00.004+05:30

Four months in 2009 will be done with in another 3 days and the list of things i did in these 4 months scared me, when did i become so busy and the To Do list is even more lengthier:( I just made a list of a few random things which makes me smile:) Life is good.

Went to Hyderabad 3 times in four months.
Done with M.Phil exams in march, preparation time= 3 hrs for 2 exams:)
Going to Hyderabad in another week's time, Again:)
Met with a small accident, made it a big issue.
4 months and i took 9 days off from work:)) Advantages of being a teacher.
Had at least 12-14 days holidays, again the perks of being a teacher.
Indian railways needs to award me for traveling with hoards of luggage.
The amount of luggage i keep transferring between hyd and Bang is mind boggling.
I get all my sarees dry cleaned in Hyd once in 2 months ( benefits of being pampered)
Amma sends me garam masala, dry copra, haldi, mirchi powder, tamarind juice, ghee, papad every month,all home made:)
MIL & Amma compete in buying sarees and crockery for me.
I save money and you know the reason for my bank balance now:)
Tickets are booked always either by hubby or brother:)
When i am coming back from Hyd one bag will always be filled with pickles,sweets and savouries. Always:)
The rats in Yashwanthpur second AC compartment love me the most:) Or my luggage:))
When i get down in bang and reach home i am not worried about cooking, amma packs curds, biryani, curries, puri and sambhar for the day, i just use microwave to heat it:))
Coconuts, mangoes, and a few varity of green leaves, curry leaves always make way into the luggage:)
My hand luggage always is filled with magazines, music player, mobile, camera, gold ornaments and popcorn:)
When i get down at hyd bro waits with car and i just get in:), when i return, hybby waits at bangalore station, i get in the car, rest is always taken care:))) no,not by me.

Well, why all this now you may ask:) Because all good things might end one day and i want to remember that i am the first one who has been pampered so much by the people who loved me. The love will last forever.
Did i tell you that i am resuming blogging again:) Yes, officially i am back on facebook, orkut, twitter, thanks to the Happy vacation which is soon starting. And the picture above is that of a picture perfect pose giving by the darlings of the house:) All i had to say is call their names:) Did i not say Life is good:) Yes, it is.

"Musafir"

2009-03-15T23:18:00.003+05:30

At 11.30 pm i wanted to write, i want to write a post, its raining, Alone at home, i kept listening to the rain drops, the sounds, the silence, and i wanted to listen to the songs from my phone but which one? I started checking the list..." Megha chaye aadhi raat, bairan hogayii nindiya.. bathaa main kya karoon.." or "teraa meraa pyar amar, fir kyon mujhko lagtha hain darr..." or "Musaafir hoon main yaaron. na ghar hain na tikaana.." or naam gumjaayega, chehraa ye badal jayega.." or "Aanewaala pal, jaanewala hain" 74 songs and i just kept checking and then it came, the one which made me getup and switch on my laptop again.

"Neela Aasmaan So Gaya,...
aansu'on Mein Chand Dooba Raat Murjhaayi ,
zindagi Mein Door Tak Phaili Hai Tanhaayi ,
jo Guzre Ham Pe Woh Kam Hai,
tumhaare Gham Ka Mausam Hai
Yaad Ki Waadi Mein Goonje Beete Afsaane
hamsafar Jo Kal The Ab Thehre Woh Begaane"

Kept listening to the song again and again, started typing but all those lines which i frmaed mentally are gone now. blank again!!!! I dont know what to write or i forgot.
The next song started on my music player, its a tamil song, from my favourite movie "Mounaraagam" All these days i wanted the telugu verson of it, and today when i found it i realised i dont want to listen to it. i will stick to what i was listening to before. Same singer, same lyricist and music director i guess but somewhere something was missing. Happens, does it happen with you? same but not the same?
I am the same old person but i heard a friend saying " You changed" Maybe i did. Or maybe not. Who has the time or need to think. I like just the flow of it, of life i mean. What may seem right today may feel utter foolish in future. there is nothing called right or wrong. Its situational. Now i feel better. I stopped arguing, fighting for anything, using words, i keep mum, silent, busy with my readers digest and music when at work, with my tv or novel when at home. I feel good, i feel fine, i am happy this way too:) I dont miss anything, Today i am happy, as always.

Music never can make me sad. It only makes me silent, it takes me back to memories and then there i feel my eyes are moist:) I am listening to "Hum the jinke sahaare, woh hue na humaare, doobi jab dil ki nayaa,........ and i know the one next in the list..." Ek main aur ek thu hain,aur hawa mein jadoo hain" i can listen to both one after the other.

I switch to my all time fav...." Musafir hoon main yaaron, na ghar hain na tikhaana,bas chalthe jaana hain....."

I dont want to write now, i dont know if i will write again, i dont remember i have a blog many times, i do read other blogs, but silent, no comments, just vanish. I dont know why but my favourite word always would be "Silence" Maybe thats why when i started blogging..i called it "Expressions of Silence"

I wont say goodbye, but then who knows............ I suddenly tried remembering bloggers who now left blog world, we tried keeping in touch, and then slowly it started fading away, the emotions, the feeling. Busy is the word. there are so many. Do they remember me? I still do. I guess i will remember everyone who made a difference, at Akruti or now at Alapana.

I want to come back but now i dont believe in Promises. Don't wait for me, But will u be here when i come back? i hate empty houses, but then i am the first one to leave...... Maybe good bye:)

"Din aaye,Din jaye...

2009-02-02T13:51:00.008+05:30

"Aao huzoor tumko sitaaro.n pe lechalu.n.. Dil doob jaaye aise, bahaaro.n mein lechaloo..." special program on O.P Nayyar and someone in the building chose to make us all hear the song late in the night. Saturday night is relaxing, more so when you know Sunday is just next morning:) I am waiting...Summer is knocking the doors and i am preparing for the arrival. Sunday is a beautiful day, seriously, i love the kind of contended afternoon silence which fills the atmosphere in our building.

The afternoon sun tries to filter through the curtains and i like the play of the gentle breeze and the sun on my bright orange curtains. Orange every where, the hibiscus is saying hello, Letting me know the summer is almost here.

am looking forward for summer holidays, i know its a good two months before i can really enjoy them but then nothing wrong in waiting for them, and while i do so Mohit chauhan is enjoying "Masakkali..." from Delhi 6, the guy is not just singling it but enjoying it too, Nothing like having a song re vibrate through the silence of the silent afternoon.

Newspapers on the bed, lazy breakfast sessions and laughter flowing with the cups of coffee enjoyed with friends makes it all satisfying.

Husband looks out of the newspaper and makes a statement.." Recession everywhere.. what if?"Hmmm, big question, what if? I am not god but i won't let the negative pessimism creep into me, Recession might take away my bank balances or the house or the job, but it wont take away myhappiness. Easy isn't it.. I asked him.we cannot be scared, we are not made to be scared, both of us saw bitterness early in life, the highs and lows, nothing new, Ek aur sahi, kyun?

The smile is back on his face..." hmmm, if not here we will go back to our village" Laughter boomed the room, yeah, village, which he went when he was a kid, some 25yrs back, where they grow paddy, wheat, chilli, sweet lemons, sugarcane, which we get loads into our tiny flat whenever someone comes from village to this concrete jungle.We will go, i assure him, will we be able to adjust there? Now i know the questions won't stop. God gave us imagination and we use it wildly.

"You pray every day? don't you" I ask him. I do.. then from tomorrow tell him to give you strength to adjust anywhere, in whatever circumstances, with anyone, any kind of life but let there be smile and happiness.

"Does he listen?" Well, he does, doesn't he? If not then every morning we wouldn smile silly for simple reasons. hmmm, you are right" Well, i am.

Because that's what helps me to go ahead in life, whenever there are tears i wait for my turn to smile, when there is a battle lost i try to make it up with a win the next time, when there are clouds of sadness, i search for a silverline which makes it worth living, When there is pain i wait for it to go. and then the smiles will be back, in one or the other way, The doors are closed but the lights of happiness will still creep in, in one or the other way, i am biggest example, trust me, Don't give up:)

I went back to my sunday silence, i want to soak up in the silence, in the warmth of the sun, let the floor tiles glow in the sunlight and the evening takes over before i switch on the lights, light up the lamp, Close the windows and doors, draw the curtains close, turn on the mosquito mats, prepare for the dinner, mentally getting ready for the crazy monday and the week ahead.
Life is so busy:( but well, who said we cannot make the most of it, I can, I do and I will, that's what keeps me going, enjoying the moment, making it look big, making it special, making it wonderful, the dull silent sober Sunday afternoon looks to me exotic, wonderful, filled with happiness:) Well, its all in the way we think and feel. I feel beautiful, So do you:) Don't you? Have a happy week........ Keep singing "Sawan ki ghata chhayi, yeh dekh ke dil jhooma.. lee pyar ne angdayi , deewaana hua badal" (Mohd. Rafi}

Yes, O.P.Nayyar is one of the best music directors Indian cinema can remember forever.

"Bekaar ki baatein"

2009-01-15T18:09:00.003+05:30

Why do you have to be upset? Why do you need that mask to cover your feelings anytime? Why are you scared of showing that soft side of your emotions to people? Why do you have to talk to your blog and not to real people? Why are you so rigid? What makes you lock yourself in? Why don't you let anyone know your inner self?

How many questions, how many times i just avoid it, it hurts, its irritating and at times its comforting that you are trying to know me... But i never give you an answer, do i? Well, i just ended up giving the answer here, i still have no strength to answer the questions, its been more than three years but the wounds are still raw, It terribly hurts even today....... I wish i can speak about it.. but i won't.

I don't let anyone know about me, i never trust anyone and neither do i smile at anyone, never the first one to make a conversation, not a friendly person or not easy going......... I know all the terms by heart now but this is so much better than..........." Being walked all over by people just because you trust them, you smiled, you shared laughter, and they left the pain forever, you just wipe someone's tears and they take away your smile forever. The pain of being left alone, the pain of being laughed at, being mocked at just because you trusted..... dammit, the tears still flow, but dint i get over them? "The words still ring in my ears " I now Don't need you"

Now you know why i lock myself in? so that i am safe. Thank you for asking.

tumhaari meri baatein

2008-12-28T19:56:00.003+05:30

Yesterday evening, The twilight was beautiful, the setting sun, the home bound birds and cold breeze and as always the silence, The coconut palms were swaying to the musical breeze, the picture is from our balcony, There is not much noise in the apartments, i felt little sad, three families in the floor are out of town, and the rest stay indoors mostly, i don't know who is in the next floor, the basement is almost empty with no cars, the watchman is sitting silently near the gate watching outside road, The dog from the next building is busy silently sitting and watching the empty surroundings and no kids outside in the basement, the cycles not honking and no screaming or loud cheers from them, most of them have gone home for vacation, But what do we do who made this place a home, Nothing much i thought:)

Watered the plants, watched them glowing in the evening glory, the little water drops look like fresh pearls, Suddenly the sadness gave way to a smile, A smile filled with content, the empty apartment floor or the basement now doesn't seem so lonely, Free and silent it is but these are the good times, before we hit the word busy again, the holiday time and what more can i ask for, i am in my home, sweet home, Friends may join us on 31st, the phone rang...

the neighbors who now double up as good friends called from Ooty, they are starting from there on 30th, her words are still ringing in my head "Neelu, we will celebrate new year together" The family whom i know for less than six months are coming back without having more fun with their family because they didn't like the fact that we are alone here.... Such is life, simple pleasures, simple happiness and simple reasons to smile. I remember what Amma says always "You will get back what you give to others",

smiles, fun, sharing, care, affection, celebrations, Live, Let live, Joy, tears, Pain, sharing, wiping them away, filling life with new colors, Its beautiful to be living, awesome to be blessed with happiness, Enjoy till it lasts, Rest we will see....

I suddenly wanted the silence to go, and the music filled the air, the recent favourite from Rock on filled the air...... Beautiful song and beautiful lyrics........ See you all in the new year, Happy new year guys, have a wonderful time, play safe and make merry:)

"yeh tumhaari meri baatein hamesha yu hi chalati rahein
yeh hamaari mulaakaatein hamesha yu hi chalati rahein
beetein yu hi apne saare din raat
baaton se nikalati rahein nayi baat
phir wahi baatein leke geet koyi hum likhein
jo dil ko, ha sabke dil ko chhu le
baatein suron mein yu hi pighalati rahein
baatein geeton mein yu hi dhalati rahein"

Lage phool hasne...

2008-12-21T19:36:00.011+05:30

The bird did come back, with a real companion and they both had the grains and sat on the grills for sometime and flew away. As if to tell me that its fine:)
Back to work tomorrow, almost a month of vacation and a neighbor wondered if i was bored. Alone most of the time, and i don't step out of the house until is needed, what did i do all the day at home? was her question.
Yes, i am that boring person who still listens to radio and songs in the cassette player, enjoys at home, watches silly comedy movies and happy with the two odd friends in life. The vacation was well spent, I beamed. What did you do? she wondered. I painted my house with colors:))) Yeah, i did that, want to see, Here we go..... But she was not amused. What is the big deal? You just buy the flower pots from the nursery and the servant will water them,huh.

I felt angry, I felt irritated and i felt hurt, Is it so simple? To nurture a dream? No, not at all, I live in an apartment, in a busy area where noise pollution and tall buildings take away my smile, I wanted a house, with colors, with peace and silence, and i cannot get one ready made , it had to be nurtured, when i wake up early in the morning i am greeted by these colors which do not appear from the sky magically, i work to make them bloom and its not an easy job of buying a pot and getting it watered daily, Not at all.
I go to Lalbagh where i can save on money, i select the flower pots, i select the colors, i go to their office, pester them with questions about manure, medicines, buy sprinklers, tools and manure mix and carry them all in auto at times, carry them one by one to my first floor apartment, cover the balcony with sheets, tie my hair and get started with planting these, sometimes it takes the whole day to set them all and at times i hire a help so that i can take a few pictures:)))))
Well, not only for pictures, but it is not an easy job. And the end result will be this which i absolutely love and show the husband proudly
( By the way, through all this ordeal husband will be busy having his cuppa with news watching series marathon, and its OK, That is his way of time well spent)

I remember what Amma always said when we used to shout at her for spending all her weekends with plants.. "They are like taking care of the kids, both need lot of care, attention and interest" Well, that is so true, taking care of the weeds, ants, water logging, insects and any disease is a must and i do all that. Every 5 days i check for any unwanted objects of attention and satisfy myself that all is well in the paradise:)

And yes, before i forget , Its not all about money Honey, I don't do all this with just money, with recession, House loan, taxes, other material possessions i hardly have enough bank balance to just spend it all. But i still do it, and for that i again plan, for months together , i forgo certain luxuries, i save like a maniac and sometimes i do this and i am serious.
I save coins, you know, those 50 paise, 1 and 2 and 5 Rs coins and for months together i become a predator waiting for husband to leave the change somewhere and i pounce on it. I put it all in a box, and occasionally i segregate it, count them all, make a note of it in my precious book ( will talk about it some other time) and keep waiting for it to become a decent amount. And this time it was 1349Rs 50P and i spent it all in making a small color riot in my house.

And the palms in the hall are looking really good, and when i sit there early in the morning i feel proud of myself, I did it all by myself, I had a dream, i made it into reality, I live in a house which i turned into a dream house. Yes, i reiterate, I am a boring person by your standards, but i live my own way, End of the day what matters to me is if i am happy by being what i am and the answer is a loud and clear YES.
I am listening to this old song which for me is a beautiful way of telling how every day is such a wonderful experience and it all is in our hearts to feel it...Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii...."

Anandam

2008-12-09T18:37:00.008+05:30

Another day filled with silence and i just let it be, waking up late i tried listening to faint sounds of the familiar chirping. They come everyday, the sparrows, One in particular is like a good student, at 7am it comes, eats the grains i keep for it, drink the water and the perches up on to the mirror near the washbasin. And stays there till 6pm, Why the fascination for mirror?Maybe the image makes it feel there is another bird, Illusion perhaps.. But i let it be. He seems to be happy and content, He is been coming past 20 days or more, But then i got worried, It isn't doing anything, but just keeps looking into the mirror, all the time, i had to do something, i covered the mirror with a cloth and it came, confused, sat on the grill for sometime and then it left in the afternoon, and today i tried to hear his chirping, But it was all silent, I checked, it isn't there ,Maybe he will come later, but no, Its almost 4pm, there is no sign of the bird, the water and the grains are still there.

I guess it found a real companion, the one which can fly with him, chirp along and search for food... Maybe tomorrow they both will come back here in search of the grains... For today it left.....I made a bird house, left it near the grill, when they come in search of a home this might help them...

Strangely the whole episode sounded familiar, long back i lived in an illusion too, Most of us who thought we knew the definition of love, life lived like that, In an illusion, but one day it helped to fly, when i was hurt, i was denied that illusion ruthlessly, i thought i will die, i wouldn survive, but i did, i lived to tell a tale of a bird today, Nothing will make me give up in life, that one episode of fighting for survival, fighting the shackles of unknown illusion gave the strength, to get a new positive colorful vibrant life and today i hope the bird finds its true companion, i hope a friend who is hurt and down today and feels betrayed finds that true self soon.

The gardener said i cannot grow a Jasmine plant in a pot, he said i need lot of place, that i wouldn't be able to grow it in my apartment , But i know i would, all i needed was a little care, little more caution a bit of risk, and i was ready to take all the three, care, caution and risk, and today it is proudly sitting in my balcony, when i look at it i know i did the right thing, lot of life's decisions when i take i will do the same, take a cautious risk and be careful too. Life is simple, it just needs to be nurtured in style:)

Long time back a friend was down and dejected with life and i gave him a music cassette, i told him to listen to the songs whenever he is alone, whenever he is depressed, and after 6 yrs he came to Bangalore to be with me for two days and i put the same songs and we both had a knowing smile, which said we can go on, nothing should stop us from smiling and living again and again, no matter what, we wouldn't give up and i am proud of him, he dint give up, And we three friends stayed up late in the night and were listening to the songs, singing and talking and rewinding last 12 yrs, and the three days just went off in a jiffy. You can listen to the song from Anandam(meaning Happiness) here..

One person whom i owe my happiness to, one person who brings a smile so effortlessly in my life, He who does n,t remember his birthday, who cannot react when given gifts, who has a shy smile when given a card and never expresses in words, Wouldn care if it were a black forest cake or a vanilla, but needs to dig into it asap, who would never understand whats the big deal in wishing at 12am, and the one who turns older by one more year, Happy birthday Husband,keep rocking:)

Ajnabi zindagi

2008-11-10T20:29:00.004+05:30

There is absolutely no reason, Not any which i can think of, Not for the long silence. I was silent, just like that, absorbing the sights and surroundings of this city, i have been singing..."ajnabi shehar hai,ajnabi shaam hai,zindagi ajnabi kya tera naam hai,ajeeb hai ye zindagi ye zindagi ajeeb hai,ye milti hai bichadthi hai bichadke phir se milti hai,Ajnabi shehar hai" So true and such beautiful lyrics.

Diwali was lonely, most of the so called friends went home and the neighbours smiled and got busy. After lighting the lamps and done with puja we had time, and that brough back memories and memories bring back tears, of happiness, of pain... of lonliness, of missing laughter and the beauty of innocence... all lost, i am an empty man today... long back someone sent it as an sms i guess...
All said and done, this city is my own now, i live here, i now have a subjiwala, a milk man who recognizes me, istriwala, the lady who sells flowers gives me a knowing smile, the waiter smiles at me when i walk into MTR, the salesmen recognize me at SKC and i know in which lanes of chikpet i will get beautiful sarees and where i can find the best handbags and i love the V V Puram lanes where aromas of benne dosas mesmerizes everyone in the evenings, i argue with autofellows,i say "Beda" to the vendors at the traffic signals.

"Namaskaara sir" i greet the old attender near the lift in the college daily. He smiles fondly, I now know that i get wonderful varities of plants at Lalbaagh and i am happy that i find Khadims, Ohris, Sheerkhorma , hindi, panipuri, Masala bhel,pavement shopping, bargaining, jasmines in the evening, dosas and idlis and freshly made coffee smell.....Everything i am used to in the hometown is here too. I have a home here, home, sweet home, which we struggled for, planned for, which we fought over,where to keep the diwan, which side of the bed to be owned, which would be my study table, where will i keep the plants and what music will be played... everything we own... But what i miss the most is the familiarity... the family, friends and the life once which belonged to me...the one i left behind for a new life. A trade off... made after lot of thinking and deliberation but then.."life is not all about using your logic, its about the heart which is filled with emotions..."

I miss what is left behind, i walk down the memory lane with a smile, there is so much to remember, to feel and to relive again, hand in hand we both walk together, over those wet lanes of memory recollecting the shells of happiness and sharing it with eachother... the tradeoff is worth it, Diwali was lonely but i was not alone..........

Birthday:)

2008-09-07T23:42:00.003+05:30

Thank you Hip grandma and Sree for the award. I feel great and honored.

I wanted to say a lot, to write again, but words fail me and emotions choke me up, I miss everything gone by and i thank god for what i have today. Thank you for the mails, messages, cards and gifts, and thank you for remembering.

Hope

2008-08-10T19:32:00.003+05:30

Pic courtesy : An evening from our Terrace

Its surprising how often I think of you,
turn to speak to you,
and realize you're not right there

i guess i hold you so close in thought
that its hard to understand sometimes,
that you aren't close in person.

"Kisi mausam ka jhaunka tha
jo is deewar par latki hui tasveer tirchhi kar gaya hai
gaye sawaan mein ye deewarein yoon seeli nahin thi
na jaane is dafa kyun inmein seelan aa gayi hai
darare pad gaye hai aur seelan is tarha baithti hai
jaise khushk rukhsaroon pe geele aansu chalte hain"

Its been more than three years, and there are still such memories, such moments which come back, remind me of the time gone by, of the people who walked away, of the tears and pain and the emptiness which filled up, the darkness and silence which just took over and it hurt so badly that there were moments when i thought it was the End. That there is nothing more, I cried, day and night, hoped and wished that you will be back, i wished it were just a dream but then reality dawned and how i wished it never did. Days went by and i just moved on, took lot of time to smile again and to push back the tears it took lot of strength, i took time but i did so.

The words are just a reminder for me that nothing stops, you wont stop living and End is not when you want it to be, it would come, but till then just live, the Hope of a tomorrow will bring a new light. The darkness has to go and it did. Today every smile is so precious and every joy so memorable because i know the worth of it and Thanks to the one who left... If not for you i never knew i had strength, to fight back and to live, I now know about HOPE, thanks to you. Life goes on and i await Another New Day.

And then there is SRK always with his line "Picture abhi baaki hain dost"

Ye Lamha

2008-08-04T19:36:00.008+05:30

I laughed at her when i looked at it, made fun of her idea of locking up a 2Rs cookery set,a teddy bear which she got me some 20yrs back,a small hand fan which she bought for me at uttaranchal,a flute which is the only memory left of dad,
those plastic flowers bought at a roadside vendor after 10 min of bargaining, the dancing doll which i got for her, the coconut idol i got for my brother, and so many others in the showcase in the hall, and when she dint let me touch even the glass pane i was angry but then i realized, she is not gathering clutter.

she is locking away the memories, the way she looks at them all once in a day when she is alone reminds her of our childhood, of our past and the days of struggle and the times of happiness, every toy, doll, flowers and items there have a story to say, every thing there reminds me of a past, of togetherness and of love and affection,of never ending friendships .

Time won't come back but these will remind us all of what it was like before and how we always will cherish it all. I moved away from house two years back and he is always busy with his work and she is alone most of the time after coming from office, i know she keeps talking about us all to the servant,
shares the stories with those who care to listen to and every Sunday she will open the glass doors carefully, dust them all and fondly touch them, relive those memories and then lock the glass doors and hang the key near the fridge, she does it always, every Sunday, without fail, Sorry mom, i wont ever laugh at this ritual of yours, you gather these memories and i will relive them all one day,Love you ma.

There is chill in the air, my balcony,the roses and the the plants are all rain soaked, when i woke up and opened the balcony i was greeted with these two lovely roses, with little drops of water and moving their heads as if they are telling how happy they are, and i wanted to tell them that i am happy too, i am soaking in the simple pleasures of life, Isn't it easy?
I let the thought be left alone and covered up in a shawl and got busy with my morning newspaper and remembered one of my fav..."Aye zindagi,ye lamha jeelenede"

Another Day

2008-07-22T18:45:00.003+05:30

Nothing happened but still i felt sad, for no reason,i just sat there silently, I stared at people and gave a lost look and they let me be,Thank god for that. And same me was laughing and was seen having fun with a set of students and the people stared at me, and they let me be:)

Yesterday i thought i won't be writing my blog anymore, i was sure!! at that moment, Today i am just typing away:)

Day before i had a dream that i died,i woke up and could n sleep, Husband assured that i won't let him live in peace so easily,so asked me to forget the dream. I am planning to write a will and leave everything to my Dogs:)

I suddenly remembered a moment of my childhood,in flashes, just like that, of a night when we slept on the terrace, counting the stars, there was a power cut and my brother let me sing, and he made me repeatedly sing " lakdi ki kaati, kaati pe ghoda.." Dad sang "Ek akela is shehar mein..." his favorite song, and later it was never sung in this house, never.

That makes me remember, that song, bittergourd, paintings, good hand writings and poetry and music..... Never discussed in my house without remembering dad {with bitterness probably}

I promised myself that i won't take a leave or go late to college and neither will i request for a permission to leave early....Its fairly easy to follow i realised and i wonder why din't i get the idea last year itself:)

I asked him a choice about dinner.."Do you want to have kichdi or Aloo puri or curd rice " and he said "your wish" I made all the three. Don't make faces over the choice, He had to eat everything and say it all tasted great:)

Met someone in the train recently, all four of us hit of so easily and went on talking the whole night, while leaving we all took eachothers mail ids and promised to write a mail soon!!!
I never got one and i never wrote one either, a few journeys, people and dreams are like that,You meet, share a smile, talk,remember for a while and walk off and forget..

I am listening to "Ek hi kwaab kahiin baar dekha maine.." I don't know, it took me three hours to complete the post, i started with a smile,in these three hours i spoke on phone, i met people who knocked the door, terribly disappointed with the workmanship of the carpenter, almost in a rage for the loss and had tears for the designs which i wanted and the reality which it all ended up into. Sometimes, dreams-reality don't coincide or is it always like this only and its only now that i realised?

Well,end of the day,its just time to wind up and go sleep,drift away into the dreamland and it just came to me in flashes again, but crystal clear........

......Another day......Another way
Life is still Beautiful

:)

2008-07-09T08:22:00.005+05:30

"TAG" I don't like the word frankly:) Nope, not on this blog, in four years of blogging i did just two tags, and i am tagged yet another time and i dint frown for this one. When i read a post about this at Asuph's blog i mentally started making a list, i felt bad that he dint tag anyone and that no one will even notice it but someone else had ideas and here i am, making a list of atleast five things which changed because of "S" {Atul, my significant other is also S,And i completed this tag in a record breaking time of one day:)))))}

Forgiving people. Yes, now i go back and talk to people who hurt me if they realize what they did, I learnt from S that life is too short to have a grudge forever, But yes, there are limitations here too, he is no saint to forgive everyone, but he is the one who taught me to just forget and move on or forgive and smile again at people who hurt.

Now i know the meaning of "Waiting for the right moment" I now wait, i don't blabber away right away but wait for the right time and an appropriate situation to make my point clear.

Patience- I now have 50% more of it now that i stay with a man who can drive me nuts at times with his ways of living and ideas but i learnt to live with it all, Well, he did the same, so we both benefited.

Colors, I started using colors which i never looked at before, I now have shades of green, brown, black and blue in my wardrobe.

I started appreciating Telugu movies and watch more comedy movies and laugh at some silly jokes without becoming the moral police all the time:)

I eat loads of fruits, thanks to him, my hemoglobin is a record high of 11% after almost 10 years.

I learnt to appreciate life as it is, not to worry about tomorrow and ruin my today. Most of all,i started living all again.

One important aspect i learnt is that everyone in this world is special and great in their own way, They all have their own talents and specialties and its up to us to look around and know about it,So now i don't just ignore this aspect.

I wont say i stopped it all but i judge people a little less:)

And now i know that its all not white and black to what you see in life, there are Grey shades too.And that it wont help to walk straight always, you need to take a different path when needed:)

Well,that's about it, {In fact S would have done a better job i guess,hahaha) and now its time to tag people,bhuhahahaha, I love this part. My list...

According to Atul...."here are the tag rules: Write about the changes that have happened in your life, at least five, because of your significant other. Then Tag five others. If they don’t have a significant other, then any one person, who has caused the change. Please don’t leave the tag alone in the wild.

Stone

Simply Sree

~nm~

Pallavi

Eroteme

Hirdu

Waqt

2008-07-01T08:16:00.005+05:30

Started adapting to Bangalore, slowly finding my way, getting familiar and enjoying it too. But the idea of going to Hyderabad still makes me all emotional.I know in this age where people travel from north pole to south pole i am stuck between two neighboring cities and still feel all emotional:) but don't we all come in different shapes and sizes.

If School gave a sense of security and familiarity college life gave wings to fly.School was about innocence and college taught me to be smart.If i discovered a world in school i learnt how to live in that world through the college life, all of it happened in the city i love the most, If the defence school was fun and discipline so were the friends.
My first college was in Nampally and it was the first time i got to travel in bus daily, new dresses were made,new hand bag and sandal from liberty where bought and that's when i realized that i no longer will wear a school uniform and white shoes and red ribbons every day:) and i was handed over to a girl who studied Degree in same college and there started a journey of discovering the city, scared, shy to talk to strangers and silent most of the times i slowly learnt to be independent through this journey,i remember the first day of college where my classes got over by 12pm but waited for the other girl till 4 because i dint know where the bus stop is and was scared to ask a stranger. learnt to get into buses at signals, push and rush into the bus and get hold of a seat for me and for friends too.
Friends, classes, movies, panipuri and flirting, all happened in high doses during this phase of inter to under graduate. Swati tiffin center was our adda and i always ordered chole batura there, and near by sultan bazaar made me always dream of a future when i will have loads of money and buy every dress hanging there in shops:)
If graduation is fun then post grad is responsibility, its about time to learn to be professional and being a management student i did everything to prove myself, campus life is altogether a beautiful exp, getting photocopies, those library hours and then rushing to libraries for reference and sharing lunch boxes with friends and sitting in the garden till 6 in the evening and then rushing for the classes for another course and ultimately reaching home at 10pm in the last bus, amma waits in the bus stand, we walked back through the dark deserted lanes in rainy season while i used to tell her about my daily adventures.

My most fun and beautiful phase is 6yrs of teaching in a college with a 50acre campus and there we were,three in one friends:) we traveled triples from Koti to Tarnaka in rain, ate panipuri as if there is no tomorrow at shivam, went to Lorven to buy loads of gifts, Did crazy things like sitting on the pavement at the ever busy tarnaka flyover to just laugh at a guy who was staring at us, stayed at each others house and all night dancing and singing and our mutual love for Veg fried rice and paneer saw us finding some good and lot of weird places to gorge up on chinese food and we seriously saw some wierd movies together which were senti and emotional and we three laughed it all for 3hrs and one such evening,we hunted down a cake shop at 10pm when he almost was closing it and bought a cake, traveled triples at 11pm,reached home,went for a walk with two dogs in toe and cut a cake at 1am to celebrate Christmas and sang carols and at 4am again went for a walk,sang all sorts of songs and slept at 6am.
Life was good with all of them, friends, family and the job, don't forget my two Dogs, and then....And then marriage happened. One by one and we all parted ways, in the way we lived to the style to the smiles and to the fun, everything changed.......This is another phase.albeit a new city but then such is life, Yet another place and phase and personality to discover.

Gulzar says Here, "kuchh nahin Taharta na Pancham! Kabhee bhi kahi bhi. na tum Thahare, na main hi rukunga. main kya bataaun ki jab aa raha tha to jaa raha tha.
ye gHalat hai ki waqt guzar jaata hai. waqt, time eternal hai, permanent hai. aur kabhee nahin guzarta. Jo guzar jaata hai, wo ham aur tum hain"

Pal

2008-06-25T09:18:00.007+05:30

The first rose in our small balcony,A friend said she is glad i am continuing the tradition of having plants where ever i go, I don't know if i will do it so efficiently as mom does, but then for 20years i lived with almost a 100 plants, trees and flowers, throughout the year there were some or the other flowers for puja and some or the other fruit in the house, but now this is all i can do, have a few plants and creepers in my small balcony,
whenever i look at the small area i miss home,but then i remind myself that this is my house, and i cheer up and make more plans, i am going to Hyderabad, to bring ( the special andhra mango pickle} ,coconuts from the garden, guavas ,spices, sweets and then bring a Tulasi, my neighbor offered one but i want to bring it from there, a few memories of how 15yrs back we brought a small tulasi for daily puja and now its a big bush and amma always gives it people who buy a new house and i want to take from her now, for me, with all good wishes.

Yesterday a blog mate suggested we go to Mangalore for a trip as i like temples...I wondered if it is so.How did he conclude i like temples, How much do people know about me just by reading this blog, I like the morning silence,i like the sunrise while entering into the temple,i like to watch people who come there, looking around the peaceful atmosphere makes me calm and soothes me of all the pain, the incence sticks,the dhoopam, the lights and the fresh flowers, Morning glory at its best, what else can i ask god for, so i just fold my hands and stare at him, Nothing more.

Wishes will always be there, but if everything is fulfilled then life gets boring. So my wish is not fulfilled and the wait continues..

Sunday mornings are always beautiful, I mean there are always other holidays, there is a Saturday also but nothing like a Sunday, and we just sit here and read newspapers, sip the coffee and catch up with family and friends and then just staring into the sky from there and talk, simple but my way of unwinding, just staying at home is the best wish i can ask for.

Back to work in a few days again, I don't want to go back and i am surprised, i don't want to work, i want to stay at home, well, certain wishes will remain as wishes forever...or for a long time, Don't they?

Ushaji completed 500 posts and what a journey it has been,I don't remember from when i am reading her blog but she is one blogger who is been a kind of role model,i want to be like her when i reach her age, have a kind of thinking she has,And be gentle as she is and its only she who could have created such an ageless bonding in this virtual world,
Its great to know you here ushaji, keep blogging and keep rocking. And a simple thank you for being what and how you are,And this picture of my favorite kid in this world is for you, and if you see it clearly you can find one more kid of mine too hiding at the back, hope this brings a smile to your face and you are my "Happy Blogger" Yes, that's the title for you,whatever you write, there is a sense of happiness in your words:) Congratulations on 500, waiting for the 1000th post .

2008-06-13T15:04:00.002+05:30

Yes,i am back, Officially, in the new house, my house, sitting in the balcony and watching the little rain drops forming beautiful tiny droplets and listening to "sili hawaa choogayi.."
God, i have a wish, and i am hoping that i will soon get it,Will you grant my wish?

Sweet Home

2008-05-22T22:20:00.004+05:30

Edited to Add:) I will be back in another week,i am able to read all the blog from my phone but not able to comment and i will get back my connection in another weeks time..so stay tuned. and thank you for the mails, i will be back soon.

It just came out while talking to a friend "You are talking about getting attached to a person, someone who can think, feel and reciprocate, I realized yesterday that i am attached to this house which cannot express anything also" and now when i think of it i know how it feels, Just 14 months back i walked into this house, empty, as if waiting for us to complete it, i started my journey of knowing a city, knowing a new person, a new job, new lifestyle and new everything from this house, The walls saw us laughing, fighting, saw the silence, the tears and the growing attachment and then we are leaving,
I don't know why i am feeling so empty, i just don't know why i am feeling so sad leaving this house, i always kept cribbing that there is no balcony, that there are no neighbors to talk to, that there is no enough light and that i cannot look at the sky and now we are moving into our House.

home sweet home, which we bought with our own money, for which we saved,we planned,we compromised and then the day the priest said its auspicious time and that we can enter into the house we felt nervous,so many people around and so many rituals and we both were standing there, held our hands and walked in,into every room, soaking in the feeling,as if we were asking the walls to recognize us,as if we were making acquaintances,we are excited,of shifting there now, where i don't need to worry if a lock is not working or if the paint is coming off or if the shower broke,i am not answerable to the owner,i don't need to be cautious and most of all,its my house,the one which i always dreamed of.

But then i don't know why i am feeling sad about leaving, it just doesn't go away,the feeling of emptiness, i feel as if i am loosing a part of me, why so much attachment to a house? to a rented house? to something which i don't own?
Strange, when people are redefining or finding the reasons or logics and answers to the relations with parents, love and friends in this world i am worried about leaving a rent house, but then thats how i am, and i am just fine as i am.
Tomorrow by this time i will be sorting things in our house, i will be away from blog world for sometime,till i get a net connection there. Will miss this place,well,not many come here now, but those who do, i will be back soon.

"ye din jo aaye"

2008-05-19T13:11:00.006+05:30

Its silent and it usually is,the apartments,the corridors and the surroundings are always silent here,all i can hear at times is doors being opened or closed, And today a friend asked how i am spending my vacation and i said "Eating,sleeping, movies and blogging" and she said "wow,sounds good" I just asked myself, does it really sound good?
Is this how vacation is spent,was it not different when i was a kid. When i dint have a mobile or internet or dvd player? It used to be fun when we finished the last day of exam and knowing how every friend is going to some place, nana nani or mausi's house.And i went to my village, that small village and there i had a smile, or laughter.when was the last time we all laughed out loud, screemed and ran, yes,when was the last time we ran and played without the fear of getting hurt and were covered in dust and sand and sweat but had no fear of hygiene?

When was the last time i woke up the sound of temple bells in the vishnu alayam and shivalayam in that small village,and then there were other sounds, the servants taking the tractors and bullock carts to the fields and someone sweeping the huge aangan and another putting rangoli and where we all cousins just there in the bed looking around,pulling and pushing each other, and then brushing our teeth with a neem stem, we ran to play, yeah,at six am we played, at the banks of the river flowing slowly,not much water there and we just jumped into it from the tree branches near by.No fear or no one to scold and someone walking on the bridge would recognize us "ha haa, Came from Hyderabad isn't it,how is your mom and which class are you in and my cousins would proudly announce it all"

Playing to the hearts content we went home, only when we realized we were hungry, took bath near the coconut tree where a huge tub made of cement had cold water in it and the hibiscus flowers falling from the near by branches,we would scream, fight and finish the bath and then sat in the kitchen, down,on the floor with peddamma serving idlis and loads of ghee and we gleefully tell her stories, she always thought we were thin and held mom responsible for it and we,we just glowed in her love and affection.

Play time again, paaleru or the servants are back from fields to take food for others and we follow them,two km,we just walk to the fields and there it was time for fun again, sitting on the buffaloes {yes,i did} and running in the sugarcane fields we drank coconut water and ate mangoes. scotching heat but it just dosn't make us feel bad,we are having fun and we did it wholeheartedly. came home for lunch and then the discipline starts, peddamma never allowed to play after lunch,she scolded always to sleep and we did sleep,under the huge banyan tree, with those folded beds and played,yes,we sang and we played with five stones or ashta chemma, pacchis and other games, me and my brother were the king and queen whom other children would treat as,we came from Hyderabad you see:)

and the evening arrives with such beauty, "godhulivela" A beautiful word in Telugu which means that time of the evening when all the cows are returning from the fields with bells ringing which are tied to their necks,and the dust raised from the walk tries to match with the red orange sunset over the water,the dust from that red and black clay mud, And there was a mile stone in front of the river and i stand there,kids jumping into the water from that bridge built over the river,it joins two sides of a village, the other side which i can see from this end,but to reach i need to either swim or walk on that bridge,the one which was built 70yrs back.
Time for dinner,Dinner,i smile,the image of very hot rice and mango pickle,ghee, sambhar and vadiyalu or papad as we call and then curd with rock salt and lemon pickle makes me so hungry.the lanterns are lit in all the rooms,the beds are being made outside the side varandah,white bedsheets and pillows and hand fan if it gets too hot,but its never hot in summer also.

jasmines and roses and hibiscus blooming allover and there are not many sounds now,the river looks serene,i keep watching the ripples and the moonlight falling on it and slowly fall asleep,i was not busy but still tired,i dint work much but still very hungry,i dint have a blog or TV but i still feel satisfied,i dint call anyone from my mobile,but i feel as if i chatted the whole day,I have had such a wonderful day,that day,sometime back,or was it long back when i was there?

"Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii.."

"..Pooche jo koi.."

2008-05-15T13:18:00.004+05:30

There are times when you just don't feel like doing anything,well at 2am in the night there are very few choices you have but still, Thats the time when i just kept staring at the darkness with a song playing in the background. A song which never got a mention here at this blog.
But its been with me past two years, it was a ring tone and a caller tune on my phone and i had friends who kept calling on my phone just to listen to the song. I wanted to hate the song,I wanted to forget it, maybe because it brought back memories, of someone, of a time when everything looked so perfect and so beautiful, of those nights when I could hear a laughter, where there were promises,there were dreams and this song always played in the background,most of the times there was silence between two people but the song always played.

And one day everything ended, Anger took over, pain became a soul mate, hurt and left alone just wanted to erase memories, of the beauty, of the promises, of the laughter and i started deleting songs, tearing off the cards, throwing off the gifts, burning those pages from the diary, did everything,or did I? I deleted the song as my caller tune, as my ring tone, forgot the song or so i thought. But well, I tried erasing something which was etched in my heart forever, we can move on but forget anything, Still, I kept trying..
Memories come back to you in a flash of the moment, just like that,Isn't it? And tonight it just came back to me just like that,the song, the lyrics and made me wonder, do I hate the song? hate the memories? and somewhere the answer i knew came up to me, NO, i no longer hate anything, the song or the memories....they are a part of my living. Got back to the song, downloaded it but i am still trying to put it back as my caller tune, hope i can do so..
Sometimes simple things bring back such peace in life, maybe its time i made peace with a past which i left far away...... For now i am lost in the music, in the darkness of the night i just close my eyes and move into the distant land of dreams, drift away into the beauty....."Pooche jo koi,meri nishani,rang hina likhnaa,gore badan pe ungli se mera naam adaa likhna......."

..Maine Dil Se Kaha....

2008-05-08T15:38:00.004+05:30

3PM,Its raining and the wind and rain are playing their game and and both are not ready to give up,the windows are still open and the rain drops are hitting me fast but the gush of happiness which comes along with it is priceless. "na hai yeh pana, na khona hi hai,tera na hona jane, kyun hona hi hai,tum se hi din hota hai, surmaiye shaam aati, tumse hi, tumse hi,har ghadi saans aati hai, zindagi kehlati hai..." Another beautiful song from Jab we met" Some days it just feels so perfect. you wakeup to the sounds of tinkering bells and silence all around and reminding you that there are no deadlines to follow,you need not rush to work by 8am, Nothing,no planner for the day and no lunch pack or water bottles and purse to search and rush before you get late.No need to smile if you don't want to and no need to answer if you choose not to.

No cooking, doesn't mind, the bread and butter seriously sounds delicious when you are lazy to fix yourself the usual breakfast. Just lying in that huge bed you can read the newspaper,send the sms to as many people you want and make all those calls to friends which get postponed most of the days. And in no time your best friend,your laptop finds a place in your bed to the added list of a mobile,the headphones, a water bottle,a Ulta Perk and a diary and a pen and the newspaper along with you. Complete bliss, everyone around must have gone to offices but you,you have all the free time in the world.

You make a few friends jealous by telling them about your summer vacation and wonder louds how people work without any holidays:) and then you find a fellow blogger and seriously discuss music, and the beautiful." ore piya....." sung by Rahat fateh Ali khan comes to mind. The songs continue and so does the time,but i am not worried about the day coming to an end,it just started,there is whole night, like good old days when i just stayed awake,reading,writing,listening to music,watching the sky, and it feels so right, For one whole month i just have so many things to do and the required time also...Life is good:)
Do you remember the song "Nai lagtha tere bina dil mera,sajnaa abhi ja" from the movie waise bhi hota hain, sometimes random choice of songs in real player throws in a surprise to my delight. Let me soak myself in the colors of music and the rain,the house is still silent and the good times continue.

If anyone finds it difficult to read the blog do let me know:) and lot of changes to be made to the blogroll too...

..........Yeh Mulaaqat..........

2008-05-05T12:59:00.008+05:30

"kasak uthi mere mann mein piya, mujhe gale lagaale ,gale lagaalein, jiya dhadkaalein, sapno ke apne sajaale,piya piya o re piya, jiya o re jiya ,tu meri jindagi jahaan tu mera mann wahaan,duniya se kya waasta, tu hi mera saara jahaan tu" What a beautiful rendering and what surprises me is the voice is of Anand Raj Anand.Been listening to the same song past two days. Yup its been two days since the famous and exciting and ever waiting summer vacation started and at last i have a real break after one year. And what a way to start the vacation,on the last day i wished all my colleagues a happy vacation and got into auto and happily singing away and with the widest and brightest of smile headed home,Auto driver had different ideas for me,he just broke a traffic signal and in a hurry to cross over banged into a Maruti car,wow,superb way to start the vacation.
No,i dint break any hand or leg or even my head but I almost broke my back,so three days all i did was to get different X rays and taking different sized and shaped pills to kill the pain and to the rub the salt on the wound an unsuspecting and innocent soul sent me an sms at 10pm saying Hi,i know you must be having a rocking time" Well.....indeed rocking:((
Last year I wrote a post and he added his version. But this year i myself have no interest to write or to celebrate{too busy with the new house} but then its one occasion which sure changed my life,forever. Its been two years, two years since i got married and well we both are still sane and together, May 7th,7am,2006. :) Ye mulaaqat ek bahaana hain,pyar ka silsila purana hain...main hoon apni sanam ki bahoon mein,mere kadmon thale zamaana hain" Happy wedding anniversary Husband:)
I did not update the blog for various reasons past one month, like having a House warming ceremony and the house being filled with relatives of all sorts and being under the same roof with MIL and Mom for a week, and the biggest news is that there was nothing to write,i just dint feel like writing anything,I still read all the blogs,daily,but then writing a post was difficult and i just let it be.At least this is the only place where i can follow my heart and be myself,so i will write when the thoughts flow and the words form into a shape.
100th post, When i wrote at Akruti there were 267 posts by the time i closed it in about two and half years.When i started writing again i dint even know if i would continue but i did,and its been two and half years and a 100 posts today. And i know i won't stop writing ,Lots to say,lots to share and the blog will stay. People come and people go,but those few who still come here,read through,smile,feel,comment and sometimes silent,known or unknown,thanks to all of you,Alapana is here to stay.

Ye Hain Pyar ke Pal

2008-03-04T19:14:00.008+05:30

Jasmines,i can smell them, the season is here, i remember home, mom must be going to the terrace every evening to pluck a big basket of these flowers, and then she will make a big gajra and next morning cut them into equal portions and take them to office to give them to her friends, and then watermelons, i can see them all the places and i remember some adv about a refrigerator which has such a nice big portion of melon when opened,i don't know why but i always remember the ad:)

Sugarcane juice and reminds me of my college in Hyd, my colleague always sent the attender to bring ganne ka ras for everyone all summer, the staff room was stuffy,small and only one fan but every afternoon after classes we used to close the windows and switch off the lights,draw the curtains and make the room semi dark and talk,talk and talk.And one such afternoons we would just hop on to the two bikes,two on each and go eat hot mirchi bajjis and samosa ragda and cool off with dahi wada, in 100rs finish stuffing ourselves and come back to talk more.

And on the last day of college while breaking for holidays used to go to each dept and wish them happy holidays, walking under the trees covering our heads with dupattas or an occassional colorful umbrellas we just forgot it was hot,or we enjoyed the hot summer in our own way may be.
At home amma used to water the plants in the evening,she says it would give some cool breeze,and till 11am we just keep the doors open, and go on to the terrace to pour water to cool it a bit and then put the mattress and lie down to count the stars, we always did it,till the coconut trees would add up to the idle chatter with their gentle ruffling of the leaves, and then some time in the night we drifted off to sleep. And when there were power cuts,i used to sing,yeah,show all my knowledge to my brother, who when in good mood would tolerate my extremely bad rendering of "Utte sabke kada,dekho rampam pum, aji aise geet gaya karo" or "Lakdi ki kaati,kaati pe godha.."
Summer starts with Ugadi" the telugu new year and mom would pluck the new green mango from the garden, the mango leaves tied to the entrance,the banana leaves used to have lunch on the festivities are from our own garden and amma always watered the plants saying its too hot and she would n let them wither away.The garden is always green,any season,with some flower or fruit,someone knocking the gate for either mangoes or coconuts or banana leafs on festivities or functions, someone or the other early morning plucking the flowers near the gate to take them to the temple, mom would be putting rangoli at that time the chatter would start instantly only applyig breaks when both the parties remember that they need to cook and rush to office.. I used to carry a water bottle and an umbrella with me all the time:) fun it was,to have a umbrella and it was always same bus with same couple of friends from same colony and at times same seat also,and those unlucky souls who never got a seat to sit would handover their bags or stuff to us, and we used to gladly accept such from strangers also..it was all so simple,life...
The world which i left behind is still same, mom still does all of it, the ex colleagues still have all the fun, but now i just get an sms as i got one today "We missed you" Well, i miss it all too but then when i mentioned it to mom she just smiled. According to her i still will get the mangoes delivered here,i still get to have the jasmines when i go home later this month, i can still meet the old colleagues when i am there,i can still sleep on the terrace and count the stars and can have my lunch in the banana leaf when i go home,What matters is i need to appreciate such simple pleasures and i can have fun forever... Well,mom thats what i will do for my life, never forget good times so when i meet such times again i always will be able to just start off where i left and can enjoy it all, isn't it? Life is truly simple and beautiful,It takes us a while to understand and appreciate it all.

Mere ghar aana zindagi..

2008-02-10T22:38:00.002+05:30

"Aalapana,the sounds of music,which is a part of my life,aalapana which changes according to the raga being sung,similar to my words,which change according to my emotions"
The first post written that evening,Two years back when the journey started again.

Two years already,Two years since one evening when i just closed my diary and walked to the computer to restart blogging, two years already since i closed Akruti? Two years since life started all over again,Two years of no contacts with the people who left,who walked away and two years since i turned back to look at people whom i left behind,emotions which i ran away from,tears which now don't roll out so easily and the innocence which i left far behind,Life changed so much and new experiences and new people walked in, happiness and smiles frequented often and tears and loneliness became rare, Happy Two years of existence Aalapana.Thank you for all the new beginnings and thank you for Another New Day.

There are people who come here regularly,some come here,read and go back, silently,I wish you come out and say it once that you do read the blog:) I would have another reason to smile, another reason to write,to keep writing,De lurk people, make me smile:)

"There were tears,when i was listening to this song, to be true to myself there are tears most of the mornings when i am driving on those empty roads, early in the morning when the morning chilled air strikes me fast and furious, i just keep staring at the trees and those flowers fallen on the road,when the music is playing in my ears and there i feel it, a darkness which i keep pushing away but it still is lingering around somewhere deep in the heart,My eyes keep searching for that one similar face in the crowd at the traffic signal, There are no questions to ask or no answers to seek but still the eyes keep looking out and in a few seconds i snap out of the feeling and push away the impending tears and get busy with Life.
The song is an oldie again, 1979, Uttam kimar and sharmila in the movie Dooriyan and sung by Bhupinder and Anuradha Paudwal. I wish i had enough words to describe it.....

Zindagi Zindagi Mere Ghar Aana Aana Zindagi
Zindagi Mere Ghar Aana Aana Zindagi
Mere Ghar Ka Seedha Sa Itna Pataa Hai
Ye Ghar Jo Hai Chaaron Taraf Se Khula Hai
Na Dastak Zaruri, Na Aavaz Dena
Mere Ghar Ka Darvaaza Koi Nahin Hai
Hain Deevaren Gum Aur Chahat Bhi Nahin Hai
.......................
Mere Ghar Ka Seedha Sa Itna Pataa Hai
Mere Ghar Ke Aage Mohabbat Likha Hai
Na Dastak Zaruri, Na Aawaz Dena
Main Saanson Ki Raftaar Se Jaan Lungi
Havaaon Ki Khushboo Se Pehchaan Lungi

Gharonda

2008-01-21T00:49:00.002+05:30

If nights are a beautiful visual treat then i am supposed to enjoy it and not sleep all through, Sometimes my own sentences don't make sense to me,and well,thats what i always say,what i feel need not be logical always,and what i say need not mean what i actually feel,confusing,it is,words always confuse me and silence always brings me solutions, i am in a profession where i use words all day,to make others listen to me,to convince others, to make them silent,to make them smile and at times to make them bored too, and its all a play of words and people decide if they like me or not based on a bunch of words, but what makes me smile is when i stand there,on the dais,silent, just watching the surroundings,looking at them and not using a single word and there comes the silence, pin drop silence,all of them looking at me,waiting for me to say something and all i give them is a smile,which just pops up with out my knowledge and they all start smiling too,giggling and then burst into a laughter....Its been 8 yrs into the profession and i am still not bored,i want to be a teacher, and nothing else,and yes,the one who says i am stupid to waste my time,energy,career, i just have a smile for you too:)

Past two days i must have re winded the song " do diwane shehar mein, raat mein yaa dopahar mein,aabudhanaa dhoondhate hai,ek aashiyanaa dhoondhate hain,in bhoolabhoolaiyyaa galiyon mein..." in my mind atleast 20 times, after traveling for more than 200km all around the city past two days and after checking out about 20 apartments we have not yet given up, we will have that ek aashiyana very soon, touch wood:) and by the way the song has the line which goes like..... "apanaa bhee koee yek ghar hogaa,ambar pe khulegii khidkii, ,yaa khidkii pe khula ambar hogaa,asamaani rang ke ankho.n mein, Asmaani yeah aasmani???"
What a beautiful song.....and only gulzar could have said this.......... "jab taare jameen par chalthe hain, aakaash jameen ho jaataa hain,woh raat nahiin fir ghar jaataa,woh chaand yahiin so jaataa hain" Gharonda, the movie was made in 1977 and i enjoy the music till date and so is the film,some things get better with time, Music is one and i say so does your memories:) There was a time when i thought and said Its all over,and today i know i have a long way to go,Not long ago i was walking alone the same lanes and today the hand is held firm and we just walk dreaming about a future, not long ago the tears never stopped and now when i remember i just smile and thank god,for the experience and for the memories, Life gets better each day.

At 1.30am i am listening to the beautiful and one of my favourite from Jhankar Beats which sums it up,...........Tu Hai Aasmaan Main ,Teri Yeh Zameen Hai

Tu Jo Hai To Sab Kuch Hai Na Koi Kami Hai,Tu Hai Aasmaan Main Teri Yeh Zameen Hai
Tu Jo Hai To Sab Kuch Hai Na Koi Kami Hai,Tu Hi Dil Hai Tu Hi Jaan Bhi Hai
Tu Khushi Hai Aasra Bhi Hai,Teri Chaahat Zindagi Hai .."

Ek Lamha

2008-01-01T22:41:00.000+05:30

I was in school when the movie was released and i watched it when i was in my graduation i guess but after that i must have watched 10 times when cable TV was not the in thing and we could see regional movies on Sunday afternoon and one lucky day i watched it in Telugu also, one of the best movies of Indian film industry and with Maniratnam and Illayaraja nothing can ever go wrong.

There was no sign of sun rays yet, its cold but i enjoy the fog and i just kept walking, First time, yeah, its been a year since we shifted to Bangalore,Yes,exactly a year and first time of this one year i ventured out alone to walk to the temple,Something i just have forgotten to do after coming here,
but today i wanted to,i felt like running away from the confines of the flat,which for most of the day is locked or closed and curtains drawn and in silence.I wanted the fresh air,i wanted to hear the voices,And i set off,to the temple,it was too early for the ultra modern Bangalorean to wake up and venture out on a cold winter day and the sounds of chirping birds and barking dogs greeted me and i smelled coffee, heavenly coffee being brewed, Wonder why i never tasted it till date but it felt good and then the song came to me, of the movie i mentioned, MOUNA RAGAM, the tamil version, i don't understand the lyrics and for the first time,its dint matter, i heard the song coming out from some where, someone who is listening to Illayaraja at 6am on the first of January,wish i knew who it was.......but rest of the walk,i was humming,...."nilaavae vaa sellaadhae vaa, ennaalum un ponvaanam naan,enai needhaan pirindhaalum ninaivaalae anaiththaenae,nilaavae vaa....."

And i put on the ear phones,i love my new phone,and everytime i remember i stored 150 of my fav songs and the truth that i can hear them anytime widens my smile.. " Tumne to aakash bichhaya,mere nange pairo main zameen hai,dekhe to tumhaari aarzoo hai,shayad aisi zindagi haseen hai,aarzoo main behne do,pyaasi hoon main pyasi rahne do,katra katra milti hai,katra katra jeenedo,zindagi hai, behne do.."

The greenery around,empty roads,the pink flowers covering the sky and there was still no sign of the sun rays, the chill was making me numb but the feel of it all made me walk further more,"lisening to"Ae zindagi yeh lamha jee lene de,Oh, pehle se likha kuch bhi nahin,Roz naya kuch likhti hai tu,Jo bhi likha hai, dil se jiya hai,Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de"

Fresh flowers, chandan, coconuts,the omkaram, archana, kumkum, haldi, the incense sticks smelling heavenly, bare feet on the cold floor and the deity all decorated beautifully, a sense of calm when i sat there silently, "bas ek chup sii lagi hai nahii.n udaas nahii.n,kahiin pe saans rukii hai nahiin udaas nahiin,bas ek chup sii lagii hai"

she came and sat next to me,just for two minutes, must be of 5 yrs, absorbing the silence maybe, she was wearing her silk blouse and skirt and with chandan on her forhead and a rose in her hair,she looked so beautiful,maybe the innocence and a simple smile can make anyone look beautiful, she just sat there while her mother and father did the parikrama, then slowly she went to the near by plant and touched the flowers,slowly, she was touching the dew drops,and then she smiled,first slowly and then she ran,laughing,and i heard her telling her dad about her discovery, "Did it rain" her question.. and he was explaining.."No,but..."
i just walked off, Leaving her with her dad, with just one question still at some dark corner of my world which is lingering around for past 17yrs.. Does he miss us? how is it to be with both dad and mom.Strange,certain questions never leave you. do they???
"Ek roj zindagi ke ru-baru aa baithe..., zindagi ne poocha..dard kya hai..? Kyun hota hai..?
Kahan hota hai, yeh bhi toh pata nahi chalta....,Tanhai kya hai aakhir...?Kitne log toh hain...fir tanha kyun ho...?,Mera chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha...,main tumhari judwa hun...mujhse naaraz na hua karo...!!"

And there it was,the first rays of sun gracing the world gently and the numbness in my limbs is off,rubbing my hands together i rushed back home,to the silence,to the closed indoors,to the confines of my flat,to get ready,to face the world in a few minutes,when i come out at 8am to leave for work,i can never hear that song from mounaragam, no birds chirping around,the dew and fog vanish and so does the silence and freshness but then there is always Another New Day..Isn't it:)

"abhee alawidaa mat kaho dosaton,jaane kahaa fir mulaakaat ho,beete huye lamahon kee kasak saath to hogee,,khwaabon hee mein ho chaahe, mulaakaat to hogee,ye saath gujaare huye,lamahaata kee daulat jajabaat kee daulat,ye khayaalaat kee daulat,kuchh paas naa ho paas ye saugaat to hogee"

Before i forget, A Happy New Year To All Of You Out There,yes,to you too,the one reading the post now:)

Dear HusbanD

2007-12-09T22:04:00.002+05:30

Well,i know the cake was yummy and exactly what you wanted,but the expression is still the same and i still have the same to you which i said last year .

Happy Birthday Dear Husband, Please do remember that just because the cake is for you that doesn't mean that you can eat every bit of it,Do keep me a share till i come back home,And no,i have not yet forgiven for eating 100gm of special Ooty chocolates in one sitting just because you were hungry and no,i have not yet come to terms with your concern that Onions have become costlier and your surprise that vegetables are costlier than what they were when you were 10 year old {Note to self:Never send him again to buy vegetables} and no, we cannot have Bhindi every day,no matter what,so please stop saying bhindi every time i ask you what to make for dinner or lunch or Breakfast.

And when i ask you how i am looking in a particular dress or a saree you are supposed to say Good or Very good or the best but not to stare Blankly and not ask WHY? or you look the same everyday!@#@$@!#!@#!@ .

For god sake,when you took me to the car dealer for the first time after negotiating with him for 3 times and say "Now i will see how you wont agree,deal with her for half an hour and you will come down on the price all by yourself,good luck,Life is not easy boss" No,you are not supposed to say that and yes,i do admit that the man did come down with the price,but you still@$#@$@$.

We are on the bike and when i comment "are we traveling on a bullock cart,why are you going so slow" you cannot answer "No,this is not bullock cart but when two buffaloes are sitting on the activa it works at the speed of a bullock cart" No dammit, you are not supposed to talk about my weight,how dare you do so.

Well,one last thing, when you said " You are a headstrong, rude, hot tempered and arrogant person but you are a sweet heart" It brought a smile, i know that you know me:) and do take it from me "you are a hot tempered,rude, arrogant person too but still you are the best suited for me;p Happy Birthday Husband:)

No,you cannot count the 28 days of last one month when you gave a treat to me for that new shirt,the new mouse for your system,for being bored and for the having a new hair cut, No matter what,i want a treat on this occasion,for your Birthday:)

"Tum Bhi chalo hum bhi chale ,chalti rahe zindagi,Na Zameen manzil na aasman ,zindagi hai zindagi,Peechhen dekhe na kabhi mudke raahon mein,Jhoome mera dil tumhe leke baahon mein,Dhadkon ki jubaan nith kahe daastan,Pyar ki jhilmil chhaon mein, Palti rahe zindagi"

Yes,the same song:)

Musafir

2007-11-25T21:47:00.002+05:30

All through the train i was singing and don't ask me which song,the list is big but thanks for the music and the camera the journey was good,and Mr.Husband (Tumka,tumka) was silent,Or shall i say as usual Silent,and answers in monologues like Hmmm, Ok,Yeah, fine,Huh:( How does this man survive without talking?? Anyways, He had is usual means of entertainment,Yeah,the same old laptop and newspapers and Outlook Money,Huh.Now a few of the words presented in the form of Pictures:) what to do,Better than talking in monologues:(

From the train,was greeting with such beautiful colors at 6am.

At home,On Diwali evening,i love lamps,of all forms:)

At Hyderabad,just outside my bedroom window i have a neighbor,
nice house mate:)

From the terrace,welcoming the winter sun:)

Ok,may be come inside and taste those mirchi bajji and chikki
and all you are eating lady,You come all the way from bangalore only to eat ,huh!!!

Sunset,on the way to Shirdi from Pune,How do i know its sunset?
Because i took the picture:D

Mr.Husband,i do like Lotus but don't you think there are so many varieties
of flowers and you can give a rose at least once?? out of two times you
gave flowers it was only Lotus:( No, No complaints:D

And for a few more pictures or to know what was Tumka's gift for Tumki head here:) to my kitchen

I.........I.........i.........i..........I

2007-11-18T23:20:00.000+05:30

This blog wont die a slow death,

This blog won't have once in a blue moon posts anymore,

I will blog more often,

I will comment on most or all of those 50 to 60 blogs which i read silently every day

I will reply to all my mails on time

I will reply to my Orkut scraps on time and search for more school friends

I will seriously through a sheep!!!! at my friends on my Face book

I will religiously check my mails daily

I will log in to my Yahoo messenger and YES,will reply there to the msgs i get.

I will return all the calls and sms i get from friends {Note:Please donot reply to telemarketers and airtel customer care.

I will add all those blogs i read to my blogroll without any delay.

I will sort out my bookmarks in Mozilla and try to reduce the huuuuuuuuuge list there.

I will try and add new gadgets which most of them are using and start bugging my techie friend to re do my blog design;p

Ok, at 12am in the night and after a 16hour long train journey and with a travel tour of about 3000km in 12days and two flight,three trains, and god knows how many taxi's and autos here i come up with my WISH LIST and a sleepy promise to keep up with the promises i made here i am off to the dream land to think of more promises, you be good,Yes,the one who is reading this now, have a good week guys:)

Phirse Aayi O...

2007-10-31T23:07:00.001+05:30

Winter is settling in its wings finally,I realized the feel of it when i saw the evening light gracefully entering through the open windows .There is chillness in the air,I am still not able to decide if i like winter mornings or evenings more, Both of them have an air of majesty in them,if the mornings wake me to the chirping birds the dew,fog and a kind of silence which sets in the house maybe because i am not much in a hurry, Yes,winter always starts with a vacation,that can be the reason why i love the days even more!!! Maybe:) The college is closed for 20days, and the mornings are usually a lazy affair, When i hear the click of the door being closed and a message waiting 'Have a good time' i know i am alone but not lonely, People still get surprised that i don't enjoy my mornings with a cup of coffee or tea and newspaper,No,i Don't, i have a different kind of addiction, I enjoy my lazy winter mornings with music,The house is so silent and i fill every nook and corner with music....Be it a "Bheega bheega mausam,beeni beeni khushboo,jaaga,jaaga jadoo or the ever beautiful "phir se aayi O badraa bidesiii,tere pankhon pe moti jadoongi....Tujhe mere kaale kamli vaale ki sau" but always they make sense,the quietness being slowly covered by the sense of belongingness,with nature or with oneself.

Whereas mornings are fast,giving away to the stubborn sun and by the mid morning the heat gets on to the nerves the evenings set in slowly as if lulling you into a deep sleep with warmth and affection.
Lazy afternoons and busy evenings,the kitchen fire glowing and showing the cullinary skills, what would be a winter evening without hot pakodas or pepper rasam,rice with papad ,No,there is still no Tea or Coffee to the list and while i wait i soak myself with music again,there i go with.."Roz sham aathi thi,magar aisii na thii,ye aaj mere zindagi mein kaun aagaya....' slow but soulful.
The woolens taken out,the Diwali coming up next week and the list is still being made,about flowers,sweets,lights,new... and occasional mosquito bites reminding that they too are invited by the winter.
The wait continues, the watch clicking every minute and the evening sun giving away to darkness,the sky going deep orange and the chillness in the breeze increasing th temptation to close the windows but i am adamant,i still want to be a host to the last few streaks of the fading light,Such a beauty and in a few minutes all will be dark and the sounds start,
Of switching the lights on ,the sounds of TV from next apt, someone playing loud music in the ground floor,the guys next door banging the door close and gates opening and closing and the kids from next building excitingly shouting out their greetings to someone,the dogs out side adding their part too,footsteps outside the main door,The wait continues....and with me is the music while the clock ticking away.......'Beeti na bitaaye raina,birhaa ki ye rainaa,Bheegi hue akhiyon ne...'

Passing Clouds....

2007-10-14T14:31:00.001+05:30

It is one of those days,when everything seems perfect but still something is not right,there are people around but you still feel alone, there is music going on but you still crave for words,and when words begin you wish silence dawns, i know its just a passing moment lingering a bit longer but then it suffocates, tears cloud the vision and when someone asks why? what? I have no reasons, does it happen?

When a student whom i was talking to said she just feels like crying and there is no reason and that all is fine and she still wants to cry her friends scolded her,were not ready to believe her,They said she doesn't trust them enough to tell them the reason,they said she is being mean by not sharing the pain, and as a last resort they brought her to their Marketing ma'am whom they come anytime for any reason,Thats me, i didn't know what to say to her friends,how to convince them that its ok to cry with out a reason,to be gloomy with out reasoning it out,

They are kids, 19yrs old but for me they are kids,they will grow up the day they step into this real world filled with opportunities, competition, and where they have no idea who is a friend and a foe and that day they grow up to the worldly manners and then they loose their innocence, They stop asking questions and find answers themselves as per their experiences but for now they are a gang of ever giggling smart innocent kids living amidst protective family, teachers, friends, college life.....
But i could say something to the girl, held her hand and said It happens and that it happens to me also,and that its perfectly normal to cry with out a reason, she did not trust me,there were questions in her eyes,tears filling up and all i could do was give her a hug and holding the hand and assure that she will be fine no sooner.She went home then, gloomy, uncertain and confused, her friends quite and they left,not as usual to the canteen but to home , And in the night i got an sms,from the girl "Ma'am ,i am fine, i dint cry after that,i just went home and slept,i am fine ma'am,i am so sorry for bothering ,Silly me, simply crying with out a reason"

Next day while coming back from a class i saw my good old bunch of marketing students again, heading towards the canteen, laughing and singing,pulling each others leg, there she was, cute sweet girl, laughing and jumping and being herself , they waved at me "Ma'am come with us for a movie today" Hahahaha, i knew they are back to normal, maybe some other time i will join them for a movie or maybe not, For now we ended up with smiles.

And today i just remembered her line again "Silly me,crying without a reason" Yeah,silly me:) maybe i should just go and sleep and when i wake up all will be fine, happens,all the time,atleast with me,... Does it happen to you all?

Yesterday a blog friend said "I miss the good old days of blogging, so many people who are missing in action" and it set me thinking, three full years, so many people came and left,some still writing but the connection is lost somewhere, the blog roll is still the same but the link is missing, there used to be a bonding, there used to be favorites and there used to be mails and replies and calls and worrying if we don't find a post, " all gone,I am an empty man today" remember the line....
Good old days,how we crave for something long gone.....i was saying the same yesterday to an ex colleague. I miss Anumita, Khandu, Suhail, Gayatri, Surinder, Arathi, Ashish, Anand, Manishji, Pallavi, Ardra, saurabh, ishani................. {Some are still writing but then..............the charm of blogging is lost somewhere}

Will i also stop writing one day? Don't know,for now i know i come to write whenever i feel like but how many days do we all come back to an empty house?

Am listening to this beautiful song from Sawariya "Jab se tere nainaa,mere naino.n se laage re, tabse dewaana hua,sabse begaana hua, rab bhi dewana laage re......" Shan's voice has some magic and i am hooked the song:)

Ajnabi

2007-10-02T21:10:00.001+05:30

Every day while i travel in this city one thought comes into my head silently,makes me wonder for a moment and then vanishes,i tell myself that with time it wont be long when i will just forget even you are/were a part of this city even before i stepped into this place,but then its been 7months here but each living day i have this feeling,Of knowing/not knowing someone in this crowd, zipping away fast and furious bikes and cars,buses and other vehicles,those hundreds of pedestrians walking fast to their destinations remind me that one in them might be known to me,the one who is not known anymore,
the one who is lost,but always there in thought,the same lanes where while walking you shared dreams with me,those which made me smile,and a few which made me Dream-of life,of love and one day it all ended in tears,Now,after such a long time while i silently walk down those lanes i am satisfied and in peace with myself,Everything ends one day and gives way to new hopes,new life and new dreams,i am content, now i don't fight the feeling that you are somewhere near, now i know that it ended for you too,Hoping and wishing that you too are walking in the lanes of memory with a content and peace of knowing that all ends and gives way to a new Beginning, I wish that smile stays forever,I wish that for you my dear stranger....Do you feel the same???

Aanewala pal Jaanewala Hain

2007-09-23T02:47:00.003+05:30

"Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii..." the one song which reminds me the beauty of the lyrics and the composition,and Mukesh's voice has a resounding effect on on the senses,"choti si baat" is one of my favorite films,but so is the music,i always mention the evergreen "na jaane kyon.." but the one sung by Mukesh is very close to my heart,it always would be for those who love music in its true sense.

One sentence used by most of my friends which always amuses me is "why do you hear music which makes you cry," Music will always make one emotional,it need not be painful situation but a song which is rendered beautifully,which has amazing lyrics makes me emotional.

one such song which i am listening to at 2am while typing away this post is "ek akelee chatri mein jab aadhe aadhe bheeg rahe the,aadhe sukhe aadhe geele, sukhaa to main le aaee thee,geelaa mann shaayad, bistar ke paas padaa ho,wo bhijawaa do, meraa wo saamaan lautaa do...Mera kuch saamaan tumhare paas pada hain.."from the movie Ijaazat.

For me the movie is about memories,the movie is a painting which i wouldn want to remove my eyes from,a silence which i wouldn want to break away from...ever,The performances,the music and dialogues and lyrics,One line which always brings tears to my eyes "ek ijaazat de do bas, jab isko dafnaauungi,main bhi vahii so jauungi .. main bhii vahii so jauungii.." Hmmm,and how foolish was i? trying to wade through a tide of memories,hoping that one day i will cross it over and then all will be fine,The line reminds me that they would end,but with Death,accept them,walk along with them,People are left behind but it is the memories which live till i am alive.....

I heard this song first time when i was in my graduation i guess,and i noted down the lyrics in a small notebook where i used to note down my favorite songs,and i used to tell everyone "One day i will have a collection of all these songs,at that time i just had dreams,we never had a cable connection or internet or CD's for that matter,an old taperecorder and it was a big thing to buy a cassette spending 60rs as a student,the black diary helped me to pack my dreams and fondly reminds me about a past which was so simple yet so beautiful,so tough yet so easy and so painful yet the smiles dominated....

Masoom..The only movie which i always had a special place for,and the music which i need not even talk about but one song which i remember for the voice quality and for the lyrics..."Do naina,ek kahaani,thoda sa badal,thoda sa pani,auuur ek kahaani...choti si do jeelo mein woh behathi rehthi hain...Koi sune,ya na sune,kehthi rehthi hain..kuch likhke,kuch jubaan se....thoda sa baadal..

"Kitne saahil dhoonde, koi na saamne aaya ,Jab majdhaar mein doobe, saahil thaamne aaya,Tumne saahil, oh, pehle bichhaaya hota,Khaamosh sa afsaana paani se likha hota,Na tumne kaha hota, na humne suna hota..." For a long time i dint know about the movie the song is from and to know that this movie was banned by censor board made me thank god that they dint ban the music atleast.

I tried my best to keep away from this song,i already mentioned this song in so many posts but still,i cannot complete this post without the song...After RD's demise HMV came up with a tribute for him with Gulzar rendering his voice talking about the moments and memories and the lines which i remember when it rains are..."Yaad hai baarishoN ke din thay woh, Pancham! Aur pahadee ke neeche waadi mein dhuNdh se jhaaNk kar nikalthi hue rail ke patariyaan gujarthi thi. Aur dhuNdh meiN aise lag rahe thay hum, jaise do paudhe paas baithe ho.n.....

Tumne to aakash bichhaya,mere nange pairo main zameen hai,dekhe to tumhaari aarzoo hai,shayad aisi zindagi haseen hai,aarzoo main behne do,pyaasi hoon main pyasi rahne do,katra katra milti hai,katra katra jeenedo,zindagi hai, bahne do...again from the movie "Ijaazat" I remember the train passing through the greenery,through the hills,the dew giving way to it and then the ever beautiful Asha bhosle's voice.....

Closing the books,switching off the music i invited the pitch darkness and the silence to be a partner through the remaining night,as i went to close the window i could hear from the flat next,I wish i could see the person,But maybe not,i am happy with the choice of the music,i dont want to close the windows,let the breeze float in the musical notes of..." Aanewaala pal jaanewala hain,hosake tho isme,zindagi bithado,pal jo ye jaanewala hain...."

Note:( why are comments shown as "0" when the post has comments:(:(:(

Pic courtesy:Deviant Art

Jai Mangala Murti

2007-09-15T13:51:00.002+05:30

Certain feelings,some days,a few moments can never be portrayed in words,I wish i can capture the fragrance which is still lingering around the house and keep it with me forever,the smell of chandan,flowers,fresh fruits,sweets,coconuts,mango leaves,haldi,kumkum and the lamps glowing forcing the darkness to give way to the light in the heart,forcing away all fears and being a part of the moment,praying silently knowing that i am not alone who is feeling it all,knowing that you are with me makes it all so fulfilling.Thank you god,for everything i got in life and thank you for something which i lost,i am a better person today.

Ashayein-4

2007-09-10T07:15:00.003+05:30

Birthday came and went,Old by another one Year which is just fine:) A few remembered,Called up, wished and lot many forgot,the people whom i worked with for 8years forgot and the people whom i called friends and gave space in my life and in this blog too forgot and a few whom i thought will sure forget remembered:) and they surprised,with wishes and calls and i ended up with smiles,.New city and nil friends,new work place and the thought that first time mom won't be there to wish me first in the morning {yeah,we are not so big about 12am wishes}..coupled with severe cold and too much of work i wasn't keen about birthday:) Went to work as usual and had a good time,Not bad to celebrate birthday with new colleagues,they were sweet enough to indulge me with lot of words and wishes:) Reached home,still something missing, knocked the door and when someone opened it i was screaming at top of my lungs and sure someone with a faint heart would have lost it.I still have no idea if i was laughing or crying but hubby says i did both.Yes,My mom was here,it was supposed to be a surprise,husband and brother and planned it.,I would never again say i hate surprises. Just her presence made so much difference and i am not angry with people who forgot,the people who just left it behind,or maybe nothing to do with her presence,Its time i realized too that priorities change,people change and so did I and we all moved on with our life's and all are happy in their own way,

changing some things, moving ahead of some friendships and leaving behind a unwanted relationship did good to me,and i just thank god for what has been given and no regrets for what i have lost,it was meant to be and i accept it:) I am happy in my small world with a few complaints and tears but it all vanishes with the love and the smiles and joy which spreads along.

It was truly a Happy Birthday and if i missed the rush,fun,hoards of friends,100's of sms and calls and loads of gifts and how 24hrs were never enough to meet them all I was also happy being content and calm,spending leisurely time with the two people whom i love and need the most, When i remembered that more or less past 15yrs she just waited for me to reach home,from friends,parties,college,she was the first person and last one too to wish me on this day,but rest i never spent time with her,i was busy and this time i made no mistakes, letting her oil my hair,talking about my wedding last year,gossiping about the relatives and yes,after one year of the wedding we both finally found time to talk about the food served and the silk sarees and gold worn by many and about the new designs and what not. First time again had home cooked food on my birthday,so long its been since i did that,
everything was different but every moment was precious,Every moment was filled with content,smiles and the feel that a new beginning has been made,I now know that the pace has slowed down but the moment has been just right and i am Happy,That matters,Isn't it?

i remembered this song.."aao tumhe chand pe lejaaye,pyar bhare sapne sajaaye,chota sa bangla banaaye,ek nayi duniya basaaye,aao tumhe chand pe lejaaye..."

Ek Kahani

2007-09-02T22:53:00.001+05:30

I was trying to recollect what all i have done past one month,Yeah,just last thirty days and i realized that i did too many things,and all made me smile,most of them,I have been busy,stocking away memories:)

When they announced the flight was going to land in Hyderabad in 10 min i knew i was almost screaming with delight,It dint occur to me that it might be silly,For me it was a big deal to be away from my family for three months and even though i talk to them daily i missed every bit of my life which l left behind,so two days i had and i have to head back to my world,
I made the most of it, In a matter of two days i met with an accident,almost broke my leg,got an X ray,stuck in traffic in both the cities for more than 2 hours,screamed in a hiiiiii at 12 in the night when i reached home and the neighbors came out thinking there was some problem,hugged both my dogs and touched each flower and leaf in the house,
Went to the place i worked,strange it felt,the warmth was there but i am now an outsider and it felt sad that way:)had such variety of food and i had 14 luggage packs to bring back to Bangalore and missed being a part of the blasts by about two hours,Yes,i was right there at the Chat bhandar which is just opposite to the place i worked and i was there having chat and after two hours i came to know that there were blasts,I am alive and the feeling is great,and thanku so much all you people out there who enquired.

Three weeks before when i stepped out of chennai airport all i could think was to ask myself if i would survive the heat and the tension that i was going to SIL's place for the first time after marriage,it was fun,And i built a house,using the play blocks and i did it first time in my life:) and all the people living in chennai, hatsoff to you,humidity has a new meaning in that city:(

So now you know the word busy when i say Busy,isn't it;p From building blocks to recollecting songs while invigilation duty to traveling to two cities and from an accident to a near death exp i had it all in the month of August:)

Now i know what that Monthly fortune given in that magazine means "Adventure and uncertainty rock your world" Yeah right!!!!

Shravana Masam,Friday,Vara lakshmi vratham,t went on so well,Husband sat down for one hour in the puja and most of the time he was looking at the Pulihara,payasam,gaarelu,He was more interested in completing the puja so that he can EAT!!!!!

They asked me to invigilate,i did but i also wrote a test while doing so,30min and i wanted to see how many songs i might recollect,did very well i must say,32 songs in 30min,not bad huh!! and no,none of the students were copying while i was busy doing my test,Thankyou for asking;p

I never played with them as a child,but never too late:)Me and my SIL's 5yr old twins got busy and i ended up with the house,one day i will own a house of my own,a Real one:)

I let mom have her say and said Yes to the Mehandi and while it pourd heavily outside and i was busy taking pictures with one hand:)

I counted,there are eight diffrent varities of plants,creepers and trees entangled here in the front yard,There is a coconut branch, malathi,Parijaatham,two creepers which bear orange and blue flowers, two huge crotons, white hibiscus,Mom says there are a few more ,oh yeah,i remember there is a Paper Rose also somewhere there:)

It rains,It always does and it makes me wonder if i will ever get over the awe for those tiny little droplets falling over me, I know i wont,certain feelings remain forever, I have mine with me:)

And then i am back to my world,to the silence of my home,To my work and to my life.

Whenever i feel sad that all the fun and happiness of being where i want to be is not permanent i remind myself,Thats why it is more precious,to go there,to be with them,to have fun,i relive the moments in my mind whenever i want to,and then i have a smile,There is always a tomorrow which will bring many more such moments of joy,happiness and For that Another New Day I Wait.

Ek roj Zindagi...

2007-08-19T15:48:00.000+05:30

"But sir,you always scold only me,Because i am short,and because i sit in front bench you always point out at me,you don't say anything to the other girls"

11am to 11.40am the staff room becomes a fish market,utterchaos, confusion and the Students
surround the teachers for everything and anything during the break time and the attender does a rope walk serving Coffee and the quota of two biscuits per teacher,
Thankfully i don't need to wait for him,i have no regards for the coffee or the Britannia Marie biscuits,so i seriously concentrate on TOI which is scattered by pages on each table,i was on the collection spree,collecting page 14 from the colleague who rarely smiles and asking for the Bangalore times from the one who annoyingly plays high music on his mobile phone,Yeah,he carries his phone in the shirt pocket with the loud speaker on and Tamil music playing,
and in midst of all this i heard a those words,coming back to my seat i tried looking at the direction where it came from.She is short,cute with her spectacles,controlling her frustration and trying hard to talk to the teacher with out letting her tears roll out of her eyes, One of her friend was trying to pacify and take her away but she was adament,she insists that he always scolds her and that today she was not making any noise but he still scolded her. "Because i am short you always notice me and make fun of me" she repeated.

I dont know what went on for the next 5 min but i just kept staring at her,i am not looking at her,her height or her tears, i am looking at the resolve of a girl who walks into the staff room to say that she is right and that she trusts herself while saying so.

I so wanted to talk to her,but i know it is wrong to involve when i am no where concerned,i just wished the teacher would clarify that the height was not an issue at all and that it dosnt matter,but No,he was busy clarifying other things.Do i involve or not? i knew i couldn and my dear collegue and friend who sits next to me and we both share a good friendship stopped me saying it wont be good if i spoke then.

She was going off,along with her friend,i just stood up and walked out of the room,she was there,in front of me,walking fast and furious still,i dont know her name,nothing,not even the class she is from,I need to tell her something,she was waiting near the lift,i just smiled and she looked at me,smiled back after a few seconds.
Hesitantly a few words came out from me "Girl,never let others takeover your confidence,Does it matter that you are short or someone else is fat or lean? if they think so let them be,Be proud of who you are and you know what,you have a wonderful confidence which will help you turn your dreams to reality,By the way you are the one who won the first prize in Debate,Isn't it" Bright eyes,filled with laughter,smiling,enjoying all the credit which is due she replied "Yes ma'am,and ma'am i know you"
"Do you?" Yes ma'am,you won the Anthyakshari competition conducted for the faculty,i remember the last song which you sang,its my dad's favorite song,You teach Consumer Behaviour,My cousin is in your class........"

After spending ten min talking,laughing,smiling it was time for good bye,she was going up to the canteen,"we are celebrating,she says with pride,i won so i am giving a treat,ma'am,join us"
No dear,you have fun, i have a class now.

Yes,i have a class now,but before that i have a word to talk to,to myself,to remind myself how it always affected me as a kid that i was fat,that i was tall and that i was always made to sit in the last bench,how i was laughed at,and how i had those tears welling up in my heart,but i did fight back, with my insecurities,stood up when i was right,fought back when i was humiliated,and i won,won over my insecurities ,it hurts to remember but i don't want to forget,i have more battles and it gives me strength to remember.

and while i was walking back to the staff room,i am greeted by my students,most of them with a smile,a few stopping to share a news,one stopping me to say that she had a fight with her best friend,a group rushing to me saying that they won the cricket match and one boy waiting for me to clear his doubts in Leverage Analysis and i have a class waiting for me to deal with Ethics in Subliminal Advertising and i recollect that song which i sang at the anthakshari....

"Tere girne mein bhi theri haar nahi,ki thu admi hain hain avtaar nahi.....zindagi hasne gaane keliye hain pal,do pal,isse khona nahi,khoke rona nahi......." Isn't it true "Life is to share the laughter and music,don't loose it all and cry for what you have lost.........Don't worry about failures,you are afterall human,Not god..."

Pic courtesy :Deviant Art.

Ek Sham...

2007-08-12T22:19:00.000+05:30

I have done very few tags in three years of blogging,Yes,been three years already,SO many things changed,but then Things change,so do people and here i am,Writing 7 Random things about myself:) I was tagged by two Food bloggers,Yup the current craze is food blogging and i do have one for myself .

Jyothi and Bharathi,Here are seven random things about me, and i don't want to tag anyone but yes,i want to hear it from Stone,(Atleast that way you will write something more than cricket:D) Pallavi,Its been long since you have done Tags lady) Gayatri{And its been long since we both had a nice emailing session gaya,i will resume it soon)

I am a difficult person to deal with,I am a cleanliness freak,i am an order freak and i am crazy about being in control in whatever situation,Very few people who are close to me know me and how emotional i can be at times,if not for them the general impression about me is that i am Arrogant and that's a nice label which i wear proudly on my sleeve:),No harm,as long as i don't hurt anyone doesn't matter what you perceive about me,There are people who know me the other way and thank god for that;p

I am obsessive about music,When i hear a song i need to get it no matter what.There are times when i walked up to the reception of hotels to find what song they are playing and where can i get it and there was one time when the guy at the billing counter informed me that he got it all recorded personally and i cannot find such a combination in any music center, we convinced him to give us the CD for ten minutes,rushed to buy a new CD,went to a Net center,got it written and then went back to the restaurant to get back my friend whom we kept there in lue of the CD,yes,i did that:)

I started cooking exactly an year back,i started cooking after my marriage,before that i have never been into the kitchen to cook,No matter What.But to tell you the truth i hate cooking,i do it because i need to,and every cooking session for me is not an art but a science project which has to be completed with precision if you want correct results,thats how i cook,Precision,timed,Perfect combinations and using my head and not my heart,thats why i say i am not a good cook,I cook because i have no other choice:(

I don't forgive people easily,Well,thats what is said at least,I guess it depends,most of the times if i am hurt by the one who is close to me i don't forgive easily,if it is someone whom i don't know or who has no idea about me i take it much more easily,I am like that:)

If someone asks me what or whom i miss most about staying away from my family i would say My dogs,Yes, I mean it. They both are the two kiddos who love me to bits without any expectations and i miss the way they jump on to me and their innocent faces make me all happy and forget any pain in this world.

Each day i hum one song till the people around me get bugged,husband putting cotton in his ears,mom screaming in frustration and i do it silently even when i am in an important meeting or attending seminars. Sometimes even while sleeping i suddenly remember songs and it goes on in my head till i drift off into deep slumber.Today it was "Roz sham aathi thi,magar aisi na thi,roz roz ghata chaathi thi,magar aisi na thiye aaj mere zindagi mein....."

When i am stressed or restless or angry i start cleaning the house,or start scrubbing the tiles or s floor or even better,I start eating and if all these are not working then I sleep,and i am fine when i wake up:)
Ok,one more...

I love rain,i just cannot resist drenching myself when the clouds are pouring,The best time was to stand in the beach and watch the waves meeting the rain drops,I did,I was there,there was water every where, my feet getting wet with the waves splashing the shore and the rain drops hitting my face,and i always remember it when i am watching rain.

Music,rain and silence,My favorite combination to be in love with myself,the Magic is woven at such moments:) The magic of falling in love with oneself,the magic of loving life,The magic of being alive and being able to feel it all.....Isn't life all about that unknown magic which weaves such moments which help us keep going on with life,Knowing there are uncertainties but we still look forward to such tomorrow, Hoping that there is a magic there too,waiting for us:)
"Choti si kahaani se,baarisho.n ke pani se saari waadi bhargayi,naajaane kyon,dil bhargaya,njaane kyon Aankh bhargayi"

Pic courtesy :Google

Change

2007-08-05T20:48:00.001+05:30

Picture : The view from our third floor.

Read it somewhere...........

“As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.”

I had a doubt,are there people who still read this blog???? Hope so,Strange,how at one time i had all the time to spend it in front of this blog and now i have all the reasons for not being here,Did i change or it happens with everyone??? Is change really constant? I want to be regular here,i wish and hope to be back:)

Musical Magic

2007-07-17T17:27:00.001+05:30

Ok,Now hoping that this blog is visible to everyone i am back,I still miss my white and red template:( but never mind,this one looks awesome:)

Sometimes one song of a film is such a hit that we forget or ignore to listen to the rest of the songs, Happened with me lot of times,Last saturday i was watching my favorite music program on Saregamapa on Zee TV {No Indian Idol {And yes,Amit sang beautifully last week)or Voice Of India can ever match up with this show and yeah,AnuMalik is stupid Judge on Indian Idol and so is Adesh Srivatsava on Voice Of India for god sake }
and saw this guy Raja Hasan{ excellent singer,awesome voice and very cute looking guy} started this song from Omkara {And he you can watch the video here}and by the time he finished it i knew i had tears in my eyes,how did i miss this gem of a song,i know i heard it but i was lost in "Beedi ..." and "Ooo saathi re,din doobe na" from this movie {both are excellent,specially the seond one} that i lost the track of this most wonderful song from the same movie. and the lyrics are just so beautiful....

nainon ki mat maaniyo re,nainon ki mat suniyo,
nainon ki mat suniyo re,naina thag lenge - 2
thag lenge naina thag lenge

jagte jaadu phukenge re jagte jagte jaadu
jagte jaadu phukenge re neenden banjar kar denge
naina thag lenge - 2 ,thag lenge naina thag lenge

bhala manda dekhe na paraya na saga re
nainon ko toh dasne ka chaska laga re

nainon ka zehar nasheela re - 4
baadalon mein satrangiyan bonve bhor talak barsaave

thag lenge naina thag lenge
naina thag lenge thag lenge naina thag lenge -2

naina raat ko chalte chalte swargan mein le jaave
megh malhaar ke sapne dije hariyali dikhlave
naina raat ko chalte chalte swargan mein le jaave
megh malhaar ke sapne dije hariyali dikhlave
nainon ki zubaan pe bharosa nahi aata likhat padhat na rasid na khaata
nainon ki zubaan pe bharosa nahi aata
likhat padhat na rasid na khaata,saari baat hawaayi - 2
bin baadal barsaaye saawan ,saawan bin barsaata
bin baadal barsaaye saawan ,naina baanwara kar denge
naina thag lenge - 2 ,thag lenge naina thag lenge
nainon ki mat maaniyo re,nainon ki mat suniyo..

And Tomorrow there is a Anthakshari competition conducted for the faculty at the college and yes,i am participating and yes,i am enjoying my work now,any change is bound to bring lot of new experiences and this has been a scary exp at the beginning but now i am adapting to the system, lot of issues which i don't believe in but then not everything is what i want/wanted in life,so I just go on with the change of the winds:) to far off lands,chasing my dreams and reaching them one day,we all do that,Don't we?

Dear Atticus

2007-07-12T22:24:00.000+05:30

The first time i read his blog was one evening of september 2004,I remember his first post "Walking into the sunset" I just started blogging then and i told myself that one day i would write like him,write to make others feel,experience each word there, let others into those memories which they have long forgotten or busy to recollect,i knew one day i would want to write so effortlessly making the reader a part of every word there,It would be no more a blog post,no more just a story,no more just another experience of his,it would be something more, because after reading in some or the other way the reader would be a part of it,part of those emotions and those smiles and joy and pain as well.
I was in an awe for his words and kept going back to his blog again and again, From his days in a B school to his Journey to a far of land in search of himself,in search of a dream he came a long way and i still go to his blog and its 2007 already, I remember the post "Time Stops"
he wrote it sitting in a small village.
And the post about his niece Dhanya which i remembered for a long long time,i dont know how many times i read it. Each post has an emotion,a feeling,an experience worth all your time,and now the latest one which made me cry,those tears which come rarely these days and Dear Atticus, just to tell you that its been three years of knowing an Unknown you,Whose name i never knew for a long time,whose face i have no idea about,whose voice i have never heard of,but whose emotions,whose life has been a part of my virtual world,where i made some wonderful friends,Where we all have been a part of each others life in some or the other way,Today i just wanted to say Be Happy and keep writing:)

You talks of sunsets,the ones which are beautiful,the ones which give a hope,Yes,for me they give a hope,the Sun going down gives me a HOPE of A Tomorrow to come,a new one, with lot more dreams,with lot more happiness,it would bring you someone who is special and who would be with you,forever,The goodbyes are only for now,The flight which left you alone will be back sooner with that special someone who would be with you forever.

HELP:((((

2007-07-10T20:12:00.000+05:30

If you are a reader of this blog please do let me know if now you can see the blog,i mean is it visible now,past 20days people kept sending mails that they are unable to see the blog in IE whereas i can read it in on my desktop and the laptop in both IE and Firefox,and when a friend said it might be the the blog template i deleted my favorite blog template and switched to this hoping that the problem would be rectified,but heard last that its still not visible,what to do:( i feel so frustrated. Why is my blog not visible dear god and dear IE what did i do:((((
Help ,help,help

UPDATE1
I reverted to the blogger template and now everyone is able to see the blog but i am so depressed with the look of it that i quit,i wont write anything till i know what was wrong with a nice good looking template which i choose for my blog and why IE had to be so cruel,i wont write till the look is what i wanted it to be:(

Update2: I have no idea what is it with blogger,but i couldn see my blog in those blogger templates:( and shifted to this which was long long back was custom designed for my blog by a very good friend:) I am not going to write for a few more days,Lot of work and lack of discipline is taking a toll on my personal as well the professional life,Let me handle that first,as of now this blog looks good to me,but if anyone is still not able to see it then i have absolutely no idea what and how to handle it:(
takecare all of you.

Aaj mera jee karda.....

2007-06-24T15:55:00.001+05:30

There is silence all around and i just drift of in to those memories,the days where life was simple,dreams were beautiful,people were a part of everything and you had a goal,a challenge,

all that laughter with a group of friends sitting in one corner in the Gokul chat bhandar or that icecream corner at Abids or that Johns bakery for sandwiches and that swati tiffin center at kachiguda where i always ordered chole bhatura no matter what,and that shop near to the college where hot samosas were delivered every morning at 9am and we used to line up for them,and then that drive over the tankbund or a walk with corn or bhel when it rained,

the waiting in the bus stops and trying to balance the books while standing and chatting with friends in the bus,handling those romeos whose just stared and stared, sitting in PR Sir's accounts class and playing anthyakshari with pen and paper,Sitting in the library for most part of the day right under the display board of "SILENCE PLEASE" and talking away to glory,bunking classes for the first show in maheshwari parameshwari theater.

sharing lunch boxes and gossips,those fights which happened in the seminar hall for planning the freshers and farewell,counting all those certificates and medals on the D day and waiting to reach home to mom and at times waiting at the public booth for making that one call to mom's office,waiting to here her voice and then excitedly telling her the result,and to hurry or the limited one re coins to be used will be over {I dont even remember when was the last time i used the land line or a public booth to make call},

Buying a Reynolds pen and a super delux long note book, carrying steel lunch box and a milton water bottle,that just time pass shopping at sultan bazaar and the ganne ka ras {sugar cane juice} at the entrance of the college,panipuri at the badichoudi where the moment he saw us he used to smile, the shanti selections showroom where we took 3hrs to select two chudidaars and then rejected them at the bill counter when and walked off while the salesman was still cursing us all:)

While Professor V walked into the classroom from the front door to teach economics we all used to rush out of the class from the back door,simple life,simple pleasures,that 100rs of pocket money was precious enough,Those simple dresses amma bought for festivites or birthday were worth all the smiles,there were no cards or bouquets of flowers,no sms but the wishes poured in from the loved ones,the early morning temple visits were refreshing,never celebrated mothers day but made sure to save money to buy a cheap nicknacks for amma or bro,that 10rs pen which he gave or that chocolate we shared tasted sweeter,daal chawal in the tiffin box was relished totally,
singing away the whole day i crossed one obstacle from another and one fine morning i found myself BUSY,with life and with the world,i was trying to create a future,i was on my way to becoming successful and i did,and when i looked around i found a decent bankbalance, this two bed room flat,the closed doors,the security lock,all the gadgets like the laptop,that dvd player,the music system,my two mobiles,and lot more,these which makes life Easy,entertaining,but i am busy,as always,rush through life,i have a mobile always with me but i have no time to call friends or amma,i keep it short always,i have N number of cd's with my favorite music but i have no time to listen to,I am Busy.How many times do we use this word in a day?

Stopped typing and looked out,these days i keep the windows open,i don't want to miss out on that cold breeze or that first drop of rain or that squirrel who occasionally gives me the company and then i heard a cuckoo singing one day,And it started raining,am i loosing my life to being busy? I felt depressed,scared,and it started raining,heavy rain and somewhere from some flat i heard a song in between the lashing rain,the song which is beautiful,amazing in its meaning and which says it all...i am smiling again,the high volume in which the song is played was a blessing,i could hear it all the way through the pouring rain,maybe there is a music lover in some room over there,who loves the life and knows how to make the most of it......

Aji mera jee karda ....
Rabba Rabba Mee Barsa, Saddi koti daaney paa .... (4)
kaava kaava kaava....
aaji mera ji karda ...

kaava kaava kaava
aaj mera ji karda, mei ut jaa naale haava vava
ki meri kismat ne (2) karditiya tandiya chaava ....
ke aaj mera (2) jee karda, mei lut jaava
lut jaa naale haava vava, aaj mera ji karda,

kaava kaava kaava ... aaj mera jee karda
lut jaavaa naal havaa vaaa .... ohh ...

Rabba Rabba Mee Barsa, Saddi koti daaney paa

sada neer achanchal paraiyan ki
khushiyan nachdiyan nachdiyan paraiyan ki
kaliyan rathan lagan paraiyan ki
gaavo toliyan gaavo toliyan gaavo toliyan
nijaa boliyan

Rabba Rabba Mee Barsa, Saddi koti daaney paa ....

I cannot translate the whole meaning but i am just trying to copy what i know of it.

"Hey bhagwaan,kaale badal barsao,
aaj mera dil kartha hain ki main jee bhar ke naachoo,
mere dil mein aaj tamannayein bhari hain,
kaash mein panchi ki tarah ud paatha,
kismath jagaai hain,barish ki boondein khushiya lekar aayi hain
,kaash mein us paatha,kaash panchi udaan lepatha......"

Live,and live with a smile,live and live with people around,
Live,and live to share with others,Live,and live to wipe a tear,
Live and live to tell a tale of the days gone by,but do so with a smile,
live,live to look forward for a tomorrow,for a better tomorrow,
Live,and live it to the fullest.
Have a wonderful day ahead all of you.

With Love-From Hyderabad:)

2007-06-03T22:21:00.000+05:30

Welcome,our gates are always open for you
and we wait with flowers any time:)

Knock knock,Anybody home;p

This is my favorite spot any day,
love sitting here and watching all those birds in the garden.

My favorite{70yrs} araam chair which has my
grandfather's name scribbled on to it.

Wow,wow and big woooooooooooooooow;p

We occupy the roadside also and plant trees,
wish i can see the road but nope:)

Mummy,Yummieee coconuts, nariyal pani in hot
summer afternoons is free in this house:)

Whats up buddy,you came for a day and all
i see is that you are damn busy with that camera.

Ok Lady,Lets get over with this and then i want
to come inside the house,No matter what!!!

Oh God,Will you stop clicking now,
we are kind of tired of giving those poses;p

If you are stubborn so am I,
Let me take a nap in your favorite almost 90yr
old chair your nani gifted to you,now stop frowning,
you know i love this chair,
be good and let me own it as always:)

god,you are impossible,forget it lady,i have all
my eyes on that butterfly over there,
how dare she is entering my territory;p

If god ever asked me if i wanted any changes in my little world i would say NO:) Life is beautiful with love,music and memories " hasthe hathe,katjaaye rasthe,zindagi yunhi chalthi rahe,kushi mile ya ghum,badlenge na hum,zindagi chahe badalthi rahe"

And then one day....

2007-05-27T23:33:00.000+05:30

Its so strange how the simple experiences of life teach you the most invaluable lessons of life,thank god for them:) I am at home all the day,i have always said from the time i came to this city that i will go back if i don't find a job,luckily i am on vacation,i am still holding on to my job in Hyd,Did i try?No,maybe because i never trusted enough about myself,i trusted others and after working for 7yrs at one place i guess i lost that spirit of searching,trying or getting something with a vengeance,i was too much of myself in a comfort zone,with out even trying i said I lost, depressed and was almost in tears.
Someone knocked the door ,windows clad with curtains,doors closed and me busy with my laptop,TV,music as always went to open the door,and surprised to see hubby completely drenched and then i realized it was raining,I was angry,frustrated,
How could i not know it was raining?How could i not know,Me,who loves the rain like mad,i was cursing and murmuring to myself,cursing that this city of walls is no fun,that there is no open sky to watch over,that there is no open space,I just was going on"how could i not know????" and i hear this one line from him "Because you chose not to hear or know anything about it,You closed yourself and you chose to lock yourself here my dear,try going out,you will feel fine,give it a try " I dont know if it were only for the rain or for my attitude of not trying but it did hit at the right spot।
With in two hours i was seen busy posting my cv and getting an interview call and the next day saw me travelling alone,rejecting a recommendation from a well wisher,and by afternoon i gave a call to my mom and then to my hubby "I GOT THE JOB,Yes,the first one i applied for and the first interview i attended and the first demo i have given got me a job,Yes,this is my first sincere attempt with out taking any suggestions or with out trusting any false promises and i got it on my own,Yes,again as a teacher in one of the very good colleges in this city, and i loved every moment of the experience,
and then while i was waiting there came hubby,I am proud of you was the only line i heard from him and it reminded me of mom, thank god for these two people in my life,they are always there to make me walk straight when i am loosing my path.
And yes, it did rain again that day,and i got drenched totally and all my certificates got wet,and i almost lost my wrist watch,something which i am wearing past 13years,yes,13yrs but it is still working after all that soaking wet in rain:) and poor hubby was trying so hard to save his laptop from rain,and while coming back i was still humming the same song which i started in the morning "aashaayein khile dil ki,ummeedein hase dil ki,ab mushkil nahi kutch bhi,nahi kutch bhi kutch aaisa karke dikha,khud khush ho jaaye khuda,aashaayen khile dil ki"

चीनी कम हैं,चीनी कम हैं,थोड़ी थोड़ी तुझमें हैं क़ुम, सुनले कभी कहती हैं क्या,दिल कि सदा, दर्द जाता हैं मुस्कुराके, देखले देखले आज्माके ...

Just Like That

2007-05-17T17:23:00.000+05:30

Yes,I get Tread mill as a gift from Husband and i am yet to recover from the shock;p, Seriously both of us should be given an award sort of thing for finding the most unusual! ! ! ! sort of things for each other,But whats so unusual about this he asks innocently, Sigh!@$#$!# This man never gave me a flower or a card till now but he gives me a Tread Mill,A digi cam,A Laptop, etc etc and he still dosnt understand the importance of flowers in a womens life,neither the imp of cards, Sigh! ! ! He is still sulking that i was not excited or dancing around after seeing the gift,Now he seriously expects that!@#$%^^#W!@$

I should have known that marrying a geek who can discuss routers, I P Numbers and net working when he meets his would be wife for the first time can go to any extent when needed, He did. Whenever we have a fight i make sure to show my displeasure or anger by not giving him the news paper,by putting more salt in the curries or adding salt to his coffee but what does he do?? He Blocks my IP Address while i am browsing and i keep wondering why i am unable to connect to net while he is happily plying with his laptop,I keep checking the wireless broad band router,calling up the service provider,sigh, This man is impossible:(

I met the Principal of a very reputed college today and am yet to come out of the shock of knowing that people can be so rude, they don't have the basic courtesy of offering a chair or responding to the wishes,not a smile all the while,pompous, and can just throw a card on the table and show off the books written by him {Only to know that he is not even eligible to write those subjects}
and that the credentials given in his card are far more less and meaning less when compared to mine and i taught double the subjects than he did and i am more experienced than he is and that he is given that position because he belongs to such and such community left me sad and depressed,i so want to go back to my work place,i wish i can, and as for the offer from that college,i will starve to death but would never go back to that place and work with such people.
So my first attempt at starting my professional life here goes for a toss,and i am busy munching chips and peanuts and having rasgullas and gulabjamoon and looking at that TREAD MILL:)

Happy weekend all of you:)

Jab koi baat bigad jaaye,jab koi mushkil padjaaye,
tum dena saath mera woh hum nawaaz,na koi hain,
na koi tha,zindagi mein tumhare siva,
tum dena saath mera,woh humnawaaj

Aashayein

2007-05-14T16:16:00.001+05:30

One song which always makes me smile,which always helps me to remember that there is a better Tomorrow,the word HOPE sounds so good hearing this song,one of my favorite movie,one of my favorite songs and one which i needed the most today,sometimes no amount of words from friends, wellwishers or your loved ones help and then i turn to music,which has always been by my side when needed,I feel much better listening to this and hope this sure helps me to go get something which is important,for my existence,to prove to myself that i can still fight and win,i will try.

i am enjoying the light of HOPE,
which shows me a new path,
filled with lot of happiness and smiles,The journey is unknown,
but when there is someone to hold my hand and take me down the road,
into an Unknown future,I am ready to walk with you,
Will you be mine forever?

teri woh raftaar ho,roke se bhi tu na ruke
haasil kar aaisa shikhar,parbat ki bhi nazrein uthe

udd jaaye leke khushi,apne sang tujhko waha
jannat se mulaqaat ho,puri ho teri har dua
aashaayein khile dil ki,ummeedein hase dil ki
ab mushkil nahi kutch bhi,nahi kutch bhi
kutch aaisa karke dikha,khud khush ho jaaye khuda
aashaayen khile dil ki
ummeedein hase dil ki
ab mushkil nahi kutch bhi
nahi kutch bhi

From the movie Iqbal

It bends,it twists,it sometime hides,but rarely does it break,It sustains us when nothing else can.
HOPE:)

There is no Tomorrow here.

2007-05-13T22:08:00.000+05:30

Death takes away every hope,It takes away A Tomorrow,It takes away a smile,forever,I have no idea why it had to happen,but it did happen,the sms in my phone still says the same,i keep reading it again and again,hoping that maybe i missed a word,but no,it says "N,Professor R is no more,we lost him to a heart attach an hour back"
On my first wedding anniversary i lost my Mentor,my guide,whom i knew past ten years,whom i went to with every problem,he had every solution and he always said i am his elder daughter and that he would want me to be happy and when i was coming to Bangalore his words were the same "You did enough for everyone,now its time to sit back and enjoy life,get a job there and be with your husband,i will come and meet you in June,i don't want you to come back here to work,your priority is your family"

I just wanted to say this "Sir,i never had my father when ever i needed anything in my life,but past ten years you have been one person whom i turned to with all the problems,I don't know if i will ever meet my dad or know even if he leaves this world,but your loss will be one vacume which no one can fill,thankyou for being there"
I still wish the sms was just a mistake,I still wish it were a bad dream and when i enter the college campus in June i hear his booming voice checking out things,I know we have lost him for ever.
With him my association with my eight year career in my college ends,i don't know if i will find a job in Bangalore but i am sure i will never go back to the campus again and work there,its over and wish it was not this way.
Death takes away all the hope.It does.

The Tumka & The Tumki

2007-05-07T02:06:00.000+05:30

His Version

Exactly an year back i lost all my independence and thats when i realised that i am now happy married,i am a married man:( She wont let me forget that even in my sleep. I am feeling so sleepy but still wanted to say this,Now that we both completed one year i am going to give a name to ourself, yes,a new name,when she can rip me away with all her jokes on me at this blog let me also take this opportunity and share this name with you all. Ladies and gentleman,presenting to you the Tumka {thats me} and the Tumki {thats her}
Why why why? she keeps asking me, Hmmm,i will tell you all even before you start,now the tumka and the tumki are two lazy people who stay at home most of the time when they are not in the office and just keep talking {she talks and i listen} and they never bother to go out,socialize,meet friends or explore the new city,they have no interest in the latest fashion statements,they both love watching comedy movies and can laugh aloud while sharing an orange or a banana or some groundnuts {how boring na,they are too lazy to get popcorn also} They prefer simple music and love reading their newspaper on every sunday morning sharing it and tumki cooks well and she did start a new blog also for that:))) so no chance of going out to the only restaurant which they used to visit often{even the waiters there are bored of them now:(
and they can think of food whenever they feel bored,yes,they can always think of food,they both are like small size errrrrrrr or,large size {hmmm,lets settle for medium} size round pumpkins,golgappas, potatos or whatever comes to ur mind, they love to climb on to their bechara kinetic Activa and go to reliance fresh or foodworld which is just half a km from their house and have fun in the name of shopping {oh,never mind even if it is called grocery shopping} they hardly go out on a vacation,past one yr all they did was to plan and while the word execution come they excuse themselves and postpone the plans
All they have in their life right now is few friends {whom we blatantly ignore and do not meet but they still love us} and a street dog which she adopted and feeds promptly even before she realises that there is a husband who is hungry:(((( Sigh!!!!! that dog dosn't even give bhaav to me:( Now you know why i say the Tumka and the Tumki,it suits, isn't it:D
Now i hope all your doubts are cleared and i am sure now no one will ask us "what are your plans for today {huh,even that doctor whom we met today had the same question,huh:(

By the way i am supposed to say "Happy wedding anniversary wife" {Oh,i don't want to say first,because it reminds me that i just completed only one year of my life long imprisonment} And now i am rushing off from here before those chappal and jaadoo and paperweight lands on me,runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn:)

My version of shaadi ki saalgirah
A year back exactly on this day i was awake at this hour,the house was filled with people, flowers and lights and bangles ,puja,mehandi, silk sarees, glittering gold,sweets and laughter around, but still there was a strange silence in my room,i was still wondering if it were all true? Was i really getting married? but why and how? i mean why would someone want to stay with me forever? why would someone share his life with me? The answers which were not known and in midst of all the confusion at 7am, we both got married, not once did you look at me and all the time i was looking at you "Why is he taking all this trouble to marry me?? Me out of all the people?? huh,strange man and i smiled to myself.

Dear hubby,exactly one year and on this day of our first wedding anniversary i am sitting by the window and typing away while you are happily dreaming away in the wonderland of sleep,Its so peaceful and silent,i cannot sleep but today i have no questions or confusions,i dont need any answers,All i know is that we were destined to be with each other and both of us are trying our best to feel it all for life,i know we will be happy, Happy first wedding anniversary dear husband,you mean a world to me today and forever:)

Khwaab chunrahi hain raat....

2007-05-03T00:47:00.000+05:30

Fell In love and this time its with this city,Those of you read this blog know that i hated coming here,and i have been constantly cribbing about Bangalore and how i felt like an alien,well, today i fell in love,when? hmmmm,no idea,maybe the moment when.....

we both were driving past Madivala and i bargained with a roadside vendor and got a cane stool for almost 50% of what he quoted.

Maybe when i realised that we were driving without being stuck at any trafficjams or red signals for more than 20min i felt Yupppppppppppppiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee:)

Or maybe when we stopped at Adiyar AnandBhavan for buying Kalajamun, chumchum, Kalakhand, Badam mysorepak and gulkhand peda and ohhhhh,boy,was i not giving best of my smiles looking at all those sweets:)i have been terribly missing those innumerable sweet shops {most of them started with the name balaji ratanlal} and then....

when we were coming out it started raining ,Yesssssssssss,maybe this was the moment, and the scene changed,everyone were rushing for the shade to save themselves from getting wet,It all changed in a few moments, people of all kinds,weather it were the posh fashion statement cutie standing next to me or a traditional chudidaar clad girl trying to save her blooks from getting wet or the guy busy discussing about recent developments in technology with a friend over a cup of coffee or the old man who was with his grandson telling him some story, the middle age couple there trying to help eachother,hubby putting his helmet on her head while she trying to make him wear it himself or those two love birds sharing chaat and smiling oblivious of the world, we were all one there,forgetting the shells which we live in all were enjoying the moment of life,forgetting the mad rush,the busy schedules and complex developments and just being there at that moment.

Or was it when sitting on the bike and humming "pia tose naina laage re,naina laage,jaane kya ho ab aage re"" while hubby was cursing the rain and how i was getting wet without caring about health:) Huh,how do i explain him that this moment makes me even more stronger and healthy and i kept humming to myself " aye zindagi gale lagaale,humne bhi tere har ek ghum ko gale se lagaaya hain? hain na"
And when i heard a guy singing to himself on the bike in the rain at a traffic signal "hasthoo hardam,khushiya ya ghum,kisi se darna nahi,dar dar ke jeena nahi......." wow, there are lot of people who remember old songs,isn't it.

Or was it when i realised there is no power and inverter was out of charge and lit a candle,opened the windows, had daal chawal under candle light,went to bed with my SonyICD-U50 listening to "chup chaap karthi hain baatein teri ye khaamoshiyaan, Chup Chaap Sunte Hai Dil Ki Halki Halki Sargoshiyan " and kept the windows open and i can hear the pitterpatter of the rain,the day came to an end but then a new day awaits,and i know i am in love and waiting for the new day to welcome it with a smile,the music continues and now its " tummm pukaar lo,tumhara intezaar hain,tum pukaar lo,kwaab chunrahi hain raat,bekaraar hain,tumhara intezaar hain,tumm pukaar lo"

Rain rain come again:)

2007-04-30T11:17:00.001+05:30

One summer evening when it started raining i just walked out of my room to look at the world outside and was greeted with silence {or i thought so} which at times scares me,makes me feel alone but when i heard carefully i could hear the sounds,of all sorts,the cycle bells of a commuter rushing home to avoid drenching,the pitterpatter of rain falling everywhere,the trees moving their heads happily welcoming the cool wind and the rain after a bloody summer afternoon and the birds flying back to their nests in a hurry,i could hear the buzzing wind and i smiled,sounds which i loved at that moment.
i remembered this song from Libaas which is very close to my heart,specially the last few lines........

Khaamosh sa afsaana paani se likha hota
Na tumne kaha hota, na humne suna hota
Khamosh sa afsana

Dil ki baat na poochho, dil to aata rahega
Dil behakata raha hai, dil behakata rahega
Dil ko tumne, oh, kuch samjhaaya hota

Sehme se rehte hai jab yeh din dhalte hai
Ek diya bujhta hai, ek diya jalta hai
Tumne koi, deep jalaaya hota
Khaamosh sa afsaana paani se likha hota

Kitne saahil dhoonde, koi na saamne aaya -
Jab majdhaar mein doobe, saahil thaamne aaya
Tumne saahil, oh, pehle bichhaaya hota
Khamosh sa afsaana paani se likha hota

My first video at Youtube,and the first video of my life,with my new Cannon A-530 digicam hubby gifted me,and thats my house,the one i grew up in,the one which saw dreams,failures and smiles and joy,pain and love,the one which will always be a part of my life,no matter where i am,no matter i am not living there now but then it is always my home,the one which gave me smiles to live with:)

Been busy {well,such is life} and will reply to all the comments soon and there has been people who link this blog and i have been lazy to link back,i am updating my blogroll,so all those good people out there,do let me know if you link this blog,i would love to link back and check your blog as often as i can:)

"aanewala pal jaanewala hain,hosake tho isme zindagi bithaale,pal jo ye jaanewala hain........."

"Ye dil aur unki nigahon ke saaye

2007-04-06T23:41:00.000+05:30

"Ye mulaaqat ek bahaana hain,pyar ka silsila purana hain...main hoon apni sanam ki bahoon mein,mere kadmon thale zamaana hain.."listening to this song at 7am makes me feel great.

Lost in the world of thoughts i just kept scribbling in the silence of the morning,not many sounds except for the songs..
"ishaaro ishaaro mein dil lene waale bataa ye hunar tune sikhaa kahaa se,nigaaho nigaaho mein jaadoo chalanaa,meree jaan sikhaa hain tum ne jahaa se"
all the wonderful songs early in the morning,i love early mornings because of music and....... And? there came a smile,was it not long long back when it was only music and the diary,Diary????

oh,the one which i always kept writing early in the mornings or late in the nights,i love both,watching the sun rays entering my room,the roses in the garden,the freshly drenched earth in the dew and the late nights when all i had was music and the wind chimes and the breeze touching my cheeks while i just kept writing,whatever,i felt, anger, frustration, smiles, pain or just a line portraying my love.
It was a small world,friends,family,studies and dreams,of a better tomorrow,thats it,I have come a long way,haven't we all?
Today when i look back i just smile at that innocent little girl full of dreams,where did she go? today after heart breaks and frustrations,failures and success and cut throat competition and jealousy and winning a lot and loosing a few am i better than that innocent girl? Sometimes i feel i am not,i wish to go back,but then life is always about walking into a tomorrow,isn't it:)Not that i don't love my today but then i miss my yesterday.

"Almost an year" Reminded the date on the calender and he says "Already? was it not only a few months back?" Yes dear,it was few=11months back and in a months time we will be celebrating the First wedding anniversary"
Life has been good,well,sort of Khatta meeta {was watching this extremely wonderful and lovely movie by Basu chatterji} and the song "thoda hain,thode ki zarrorat hain,zindagi fir bhi yehan khoobsoorat hain"
Dates form an important reminder of those wonderful time gone by,and Dairies also are a part of that to me,was searching for a particular entry and found this diary of 2006,the year when life took a U turn and changed everything,brought so many changes and the scribbles there made me nostalgic.

March19th when i met you for the first time,March26th when the wedding was confirmed,April 12th when we got engaged:) dates they are all now,but with a thin thread of memories which hang around my world forever.they are not only dates now,they are the links to my yesterday,to such memories which will remind me to smile and be thankful to god for what is given to me,to us.

How do you feel?are you happy? why can't i see it?

"Not all happiness need to be shown,or reacted up on,this is beyond a humanly reaction for me,a feeling of complete bliss,it can just be felt but maynot be expressed" True,no amount of words can ever say what this one year was like,how it was to be with you,Sometimes silence says it all

"aao huzoor tumko sitaaron mein le chalun, dil jhoom jaaye aisi bahaaron mein le chalun,aao huzoor aao"

And then goes the other favourite of mine"ye dil aur unki,nigahon ke saaye,ye dil aur unki nigahon ke saaye,mujhe gher lethi ye baahon ke saaye........."

The world of music and memories and those unspoken words of promise of a better tomorrow,Life is beautiful:)

Welcome

2007-03-12T13:59:00.000+05:30

Ok,all cribbing and no stuff in the post,so those who are busy can come back later for a decent post and others can go and read:))))

And this is to inform that i reached the city a week back and No,i have not been anywhere out,all i did was setting up the house and making my own comfort zone and staying in there,I am not happy being here and even though i have a lot of friends i dont feel like going out or meeting anyone,
All i did was to watch TV,Movies,cook and cook and cook more for hubby and his friends and sleep whenever i have nothing else to do,I have never been so free in my life and its already getting on to my nerves and i screamed at hubby twice in a day and told him that i hate him {well,not really}
but then i am just not ready to adjust to this new city and i miss my good old leisurely and quiet middle class neighborhood in hyderabad,I miss the autowalas,the sabziwali,the servant and dammit,i dont find proper milk also here {i hate packet or bottled milk}
And in this three story flats i am yet to see any of my neighbors,infact i have not seen anyone next doors opening their doors even once but i am assured by the owner that the flat is indeed let out to a couple,Huh!!!!!!!!!
I got invited by friends to meet up at Forum,Central,Pizzahut and Barista and i declined not so politely,No i am not interested in watching all those crowds and traffic and no parking boards, and i am yet to venture out to make peace with this city,i found a park near by and maybe i will go there today but then its a maybe,because i hate changes and this is the biggest change after my wedding and i DONT LIKE IT AT ALL.
and for a millionth time i got an sms again from a friend "Welcome to Bangalore" Huh!!!!!!!!,the tears start flowing and hubby is rushing to book a flight ticket for hyderabad,but then i know i need to spend my time here for atleast a year or maybe another 5 or 10yrs,oh god,help me making peace with this crazy city:(

Ok,cribbing ends,i feel much better now.

Say no to Helplessness,Fight back.

2007-03-08T01:44:00.001+05:30

I spoke about it last year too and i am ready to do it again,i am Talking about Blank Noise Project,How did you retaliate? being helpless wont help you,and as i always said,dont be a victim,no one has a right to do anything to you,fight back and in whatever way you can,protest and it sure helps.

January 2007,i was walking back from the college where i had gone for a guest lecture,Auto strike and my house was two km away,a narrow lane in Mehadipatnam,Hyderabad and being new to those lanes i asked help from a stranger who was fiddling with his phone standing with his bike at the pavement.
all i wanted to know was if that particular lane leads to VijayNagar colony and he said yes and even while i thanked him and started walking away he offered me a lift which i rejected only to realize that he is following me and kept pestering and the lane was all quite in the mid afternoon and there was a huge MCH park to one side and a building at construction to other side,and when i yelled at him and tried walking away he just cut my path with his bike and held my hand and in a few sec my mobile fell down and so did my handbag,and i just punched on his face,
Yes,i did and even when he lost his balance and fell down along with the bike i just walked around and hit him hard on his face and he did try hurting me and by then a few people passing through the lane stopped and tried beating him up and the Bastard had the guts to say that he was innocent and was only trying to help me,by then someone called the police and half an hour later i walked back home all the way.
Called hubby who was in some other city and he was shell shocked and took the next flight to be home in three hours only to see me sleeping sound.
Why was i not scared? asked him.Was i not? ofcourse i was,but then i know not to be a victim,i learnt it as a kid and i follow it till i live,for him it was a first instance where a women had to handle such a situation,his family is protective about daughters and mostly women are escorted when going out and many of them stay home {what a luxury} but for me this is how i survived my childhood or college days.

I had no choice,my mom couldn accompany me for my morning 5am classes or night 10pm home coming in a bus,i had to walk back a km daily to reach home,and being a single parent is not an easy job,and she did her best,she gave me one line which i follow till date "fight but never giveup without trying,you can always help yourself,just try" and i do.I do wish i had my father to drop me at college,bring me back from classes,escort me to picnics and movies,but i learnt living on my own and fighting back eve teasing or those good for nothing idiots on roads which think women are a commodity.
Hubby said "i am proud of you" oh,thankyou,so am I. and amma said "Thank god it was you at that moment,what would happen if it were someone who dint know how to fight back?" I hope not,yes,even i think i thanked god for a moment that it happened to me instead of someone who could have been helpless,but i wish and hope there were no helpless victims.
I tell my students also,tears will never solve any problem in this world and there is no problem without a solution either,dont stop yourself from doing things just because you are worried about the big bad world outside,being secure is good,enjoy it while it lasts,but when it comes to surviving on your own be ready to do so,Help yourself and the world will salute you,more than anything you will understand your own worth"
Happy women's day world,I am proud to be a woman and when i have a daughter i will tell her how precious it is to be a woman.

Chalthe chalthe

2007-02-22T23:04:00.001+05:30

Time:3.30pm, Place :LOwer tankbund road near to the temple,i was travelling back from the university and at a traffic signal saw a Pomeranian trying to cross the road and he was badly limping,and before i can think the lights turned green we almost moved 50mtrs and my heart screamed "Why dint you stop you Idiot" and before i could think i asked the Autodriver to take a U turn and i rushed to the spot,but he was no where to be seen.bought a bottle of water and kept walking only to find him at the temple premises where he found a cool shade and he looked so tired and hungry,tried touching him,he was harmless but scared and he refused the water too and then i decided he needs help,a shelter which i am not in a position to give him,i can take him in for a day but then when i go back to work? mom already has two and she will scream at me {but then i know she wouldn say no,but the one's which are there already will not take it positively} and he needs a doctor and maybe he lost his home,or maybe someone left him on roads {How insensitive} and i called Blue Cross only to know that the van is already out in the city and they have no one atleast for an hr and then i just put him in the auto only to be surrounded to be by two persons who were silently watching me till then,they were busy playing cards there,and they demanded money for taking the dog away claiming the dog to be theirs,after arguments and threats and a few phone calls i just rushed him to JubliHills Road No 35 where Blue cross takes in so many stray dogs and other animals,provides them care and medical aid.
On the way he tried moving away but i just help him close,how i wished i could keep him with me but then i know the constraints myself,so i just had to take him there.
He was so tired of all the tiredness that he just put his head in my lap and slept off,and i just had tears in my eyes,how simple these creatures are,all they need is love and affection and we humans are such complex people with so many unwanted emotions in life.

We reached the place and he was checked by a doctor,he broke his leg and he needs complete rest for a while before he can walk properly and play around,he was unable to put down his leg,and he was made to drink milk and then put in a seperate enclosure,he will be given a bath and then he can have vaccinations i am told,he looks so beautiful while Krishna the helper there held him for a check up and he is not at all harmful,
and he was so scared of all about it,he must have felt so helpless all these days,and he couldn even explain it in words,i just brushed his hair and gave him a hug and walked out of the place,felt a bit empty,sad that i had to leave him behind,but then.....
why are we in so much rush always that we cannot understand others pain? weather it is animals or fellow human beings? what is the rush for? what is that we are going to take away from here? World will be a better place to live in if we just try,simple gestures sure make a lot of difference to this world,and i hope we all think of it,and i am sure we can spare some time,little money to help them who need us,think again,I don't know if God exists,for me this is worshiping, If someone finds it funny that i spent 375rs for auto and traveled all the way with a street dog and if i am labeled as being crazy then thats your problem {Yeah,you,my good friend!!!!!! who made fun of it all},I am what i am,and my loved ones like me for this craziness:)
If any one of you staying in Hyderabad feels you can make a donation {cash,kind,they need newspapers and cotton also at times} do get in touch with them,after all it takes small steps to start towards our goal always,and if you have kids then do make them understand the value of humanlifes,when i have my kids i will sure teach them how to love others,and how much they can help others,and yes,thats a promise,thats why i put it here in my blog,so that i dont forget it in myfast paced journey of life where we all in a hurry to reach somewhere,but Where to???

BLUECROSS SOCIETY OF HYDERABAD.
Contact No. 04032989858.

Zindagi ki yehi reet hain

2007-02-19T01:08:00.001+05:30

I wish things fall back to their respective corners of life soon,wish there was no uncertainty about anything,Those dark clouds of sadness looming over the life again,will it rain?As i see the reflection in the mirror, all my questions keep staring back at me,will there ever be any answers? what is satisfaction? happiness? where can i buy it in loads and fill my accounts with it and what do i do to make sure it is safe in there always? where can i lock away these tears to?how do i discard the pain life render from time to time? why do i have to inherit the big chunk of it always? And why does questions have no answers when i need them the most? And when all i can feel is silence in the darkness of the night i stop staring into the blankness and close the windows and get to sleep,Hoping that tomorrow is going to be a bright morning and with the sun rays creeping in i will wake up to read all the answers to my questions ,Hopefully,nothing wrong in Dreaming and Hoping,Is it not? and the wait continues.........

Zindagi ki yehi reet hai,Haar ke baad hi jeet hai
Thode aansu hai, thodi hasi,Aaj gham hai to kal hai khushi

Thode aansu hai, thodi hasi,Aaj gham hai to kal hai khushi
Zindagi ki yehi reet hai,Haar ke baad hi jeet hai
Zindagi raat bhi hai, savera bhi hai zindagi
Zindagi hai safar aur basera bhi hai zindagi

Ek pal dard ka daanv hai,Doosra sukh bhari chhaaon hai
Har naye pal naya geet hai,Zindagi ki yehi reet hai
Gham ka baadal jo chhaaye to hum muskuraate rahe
Apni aankhon mein aashaaon ke deep jalaate rahe
Aaj bigde to kal phir bane,Aaj roothe to kal phir mane
Waqt bhi jaise ek meet hai
Zindagi ki yehi reet hai ,Haar ke baad hi jeet hai
Thode aansu hai, thodi hasi,Aaj gham hai to kal hai khusi

Ae zindagi gale laga le

2007-02-04T02:14:00.000+05:30

"how does it feel to start at 0 after a 100? asked a friend when i started writing here last year Feb 3rd,Yes,its been already one year,the first birthday of Aalapana and a big thankyou to all of you who read,commented, silent at times but still been a part of the smiles,pain,joy,tears and anger and frustration which poured through the words here,

It feels great,to be the same,to not twist words,to not hide the real self,it feels good,but to tell you the truth i still miss the place which has been associated with an important phase of my life,but then here or in life its good to move on and what a journey it has been,past one year,Thankyou god,for everything and for everyone who stood by me and thank god for the people who left without a trace,i am better off without them and i have no regrets of leaving behind anything or anyone.

"Friends" what would be life without them? had a fantastic time with S and Y and we did nothing out of the world but i think i would feel the same even if we three meet at home for just 10min, because there are no pretensions,no artificial emotions,and what makes this friendship so unique is the fact that we act normal and we argue and in a min forget it and call up each other and talk about something else.
and more than anything what i love is the fact that hubby liked them instantly when he met them before wedding and today he says "if i ever have a complaint against you,i wont go to your mom,i will go to S and K" and that makes the huge difference,12yrs of friendship and today i felt a bit sad that i would be moving to another city soon,whom will i call up at all odd hrs and bug about the days events?
who will willingly work on my all time unfair demands with a smile,one who acts as a driver who takes me to any place in Hyd whenever i have to travel and one who is ever ready for giving advices whenever i rush to him with strange problems:)

and who will alter all their schedules just because i suddenly feel that we need to go for a movie or a book fair or go buy a dress,who will bear my most boring shopping sessions where all they do is carry my bags and i will be walking around buying things,how much ever i fight,how much ever i say i wont talk to them they still wait,maybe because they know that i will comeback to them,i do and they do the same,more than anything who will know the real me the way these two people know? None i would say,maybe one day hubby will succeed but for now no one else know the real ME except for them,i will sure miss them,well,but then do distances matter when we are bonded for life? maybe not,thank god,i count my blessings today and smile.

I am listening to the song "ae zindagi gale lagaale,humne bhi tere har ek ghum ko gale se lagaaya hain,hain na.... humne bhaane se,chupke zamaane se,palko ke pardein mein ghar bharliya hain ...tera sahaara milgaya hain zindagi" from Sadma,enjoy life as it comes,keep that smile intact:)

Pati,Patni Aur Woh.

2007-01-29T00:18:00.001+05:30

Dear R,Stop scaring people,specially kids,stop feeling that you are a human,and stop barking at all fellow dogs,you wont find a girlfriend if you do so,you are not supposed to eat icecreams, samosas and mirchibajji and sweets.And now,off with your arrogant look on that cute face of yours,just because you were named the KING doesn't mean you act like one,by the way that chair on which you regally spend more than half of your day is inherited by me from my granny three years back,and its 75yrs old,so can i sit in it once without you barking and shooing me away,
And that bed is mine too and i still cant believe that you thought i am going to harm mom when all i was trying was to lift her up in the air and you chased me for good ten min and calmed down only when mom assured you of her safety,thankyou mom,i owe you my life. but did i tell you that i love you the most:) yes,i do.

Dear S,now please stop staring at me with those "woh dear,plz someone feed me,i am starving,these ppl dont give me food" kind of look,will ya,and sure someone is going to call some dog protection cell and throw us in jail for torturing you poor soul,You have always been moms favorite,isn't it,and you always get away from any punishment because she never believes that you can do anything wrong,now how do i explain to her that looks can be deceptive.I know that secret extra cups of milk you get from mom when you ceremoniously follow her to kitchen at 4am, huh,you are her tail surely, "wherever you go,our network follows" has become your motto in life.
You cannot fool me,bhuhahahah {bloody hell,but you always fool me:(,dont you,and i end up sharing my already small with my height and size bed and lurk away to one corner waking up with stiff neck,back and whatnot.And will you please bring that new sandal of mine which you put away under the bed just because i scolded you.mom till date is not ready to believe that it was you and not R,Stop looking like that,i know you,and yes,I love you:)

Me:Dont they look cute and adorable,look at the way they are playing"

Hubby: Yeah,thankgod!!!!!!

Me:Now why that thankgod????

Hubby:They are not married,so they are having all the fun,i am so happy for them,what a dogs life it is ,sigh!!!!!
{whose????,no reply @#$%^@$%

zindagi haseen hain

2007-01-24T09:03:00.002+05:30

I want to be there,where dreams turn to reality,where the sea and sky embrace and whisper their love for eachother,at that moment i want to stand on the shores,holding your hand and let the silence speak,Life is tough,but with you around,solutions always come to me easily,Thankyou for being there.

This is one of my very favourite album and the combination of Gulzar and RD makes it even more special,and feels great to start your day with the song.........

"katraa katraa milthi hai, katraa katraa jeene do, zindagii hai, bahne do~~~~~
pyaasi hoon main pyasi rehne do,rehne do naaaaa,
tumne to aakash bichhaya,mere nange pairo main zameen hai,
dekhe to tumhaari aarzoo hai,,shayad aisi zindagi haseen hai,
aarzoo main bahne do,pyaasi hoon main pyaasi rehne do

halke halke kohre ke dhue mein,shayad aasman tak aagayi hoon,
teri do nigaho ke sahaare dekho tho kahaatha aagayi hoon,
kohre mein behne do,pyasi hoon mein pyasi rehne do

Me:What gift did you get me from there" {all excited and searching his airbag}

Hubby: Hmmm,errrrr,hmmm

Me:What??? you forgot,isn't it,so mean of you" {all th while ignoring a small box without any giftwrap in one corner of the bag.I walk off:( }

After 5 min he called me into the hall where he is all beaming and i notice a small porcelain gift,a girl and guy in a dancing pose and then i looked at him blank,he smiled and he connected a plug into the socket and turned on the switch and there started a small water fountain in there,oh,i understood,the girl was standing in a lotus,he was looking at me and i was looking at the "Eight wonder of the world"

Hubby:Did you like it" Me:Errr,hmmm, what made you bring me this?

Hubby:You like water,dont u?

Me:water!!!!!!!! oh,that {i told him i love sea,rivers and ponds and beaches but fountains?????" and that too as a gift????
And it reminds me of a gift i would give to a ten year old girl and i am not one.

Hubby: Oh,i though your are one,atleast you remind me one:)
What???? Huh,men !@#$%$#@!

Well,not bad that way,atleast he rememberd i like WATER:( in past eight months i got two stuffed dogs,{ He remembered i love pets} one parker pen,{i collect pens}a laptop{wanted me to finish my phd},a pendrive{so that i dont waste his cd's and dvd's} and now this.
Will i ever get something feminine? and he asked "Why do YOU need a feminine gift,thats for someone ....." Sigh,hope next week when he comes he wont bring something which reminds me of a 5yr kid:(indai

But dear hubby,if you are reading this,you know it very well that i love the way you are,dont change:D

Pic courtesy:Deviant art.
Album :Gulzar remembers Pancham.

Bas Yun Hi

2007-01-16T00:53:00.000+05:30

Hectic week well spent with people whom i care for and who love me the most and i am back with more news:) Sankranti was spent with family and loads of food and lot of travelling and there were a few moments which i want to erase from my memory and try not to repeat it ever again and i hope to follow a few rules made by me and i want to control my anger and frustration,why can't i just hold on for a few more minutes? why do i have to raise my voice or get it out of the system what ever the reaction is? Well,thats how i am,no acting or no diplomacy,no nonsense and i end up in trouble most of the times:)
There would be new collegues in the dept from tomorrow onwards,i wouldn say i am looking forward to the changes but hope things would be as fine as they are now.
Too many questions in my head and i have no answers to any of them;p

I want to learn French,and i am still not able to figure out WHY?

I am watching the baap of all the serials "BIGBOSS" on Sony entertainment and am thoroughly entertained every day 10pm to 11pm.No answers to "HOW"

I know i am soon leaving this city but the question is "WHEN" and i have no idea.

And i want to run away,elope now with dear hubby,kidnap him away from his workholic schedule,now the point is to "WHERE"

Do you want to watch Mithun chakravarthy the performer,Not Abhishek but Gurukanth Desai and excellent cinematography by Rajeev menon,and above all a good movie by Maniratnam,go watch GURU people,excellent movie and i thoroughly enjoyed it first day last show;p though i am not much convinced about the ending of the movie its a great entertainer with a message,Dare to dream,dare to make them real and also it was one of the most enjoyed evening of my 8 months married life,a movie with hubby and two of my best friends K & S and long drive home at mid night bugging hubby till he got me the long due icecream,while he was busy driving i was busy eating:)

Me :Why dont you drive faaaaaaaaaaaaast,overtake that vehicle in front"
Hubby: Well,with you behind the bike wont go beyond this speed"

Me: You mean i am plump? you are talking about my weight,mean fellow,i hate you"
Hubby: Errrr,i am only saying its not safe driving so fast with you behind"
Yeah right@#$%@#@$%@ huh,men! ! ! !

Was listening to this song today,missing you dear hubby,wish i can join you in the new place at this moment,but well,just a matter of two months:) till then enjoy your independence;p

Na jaane kyon, hota hai yeh zindagi ke saath
achanak ye man
kisi ke jaane ke baad, kare phir usiki yaad
chhoti chhoti si baat, na jaane kyon
vo anjaan pal,Dhal gaye kal, aaj vo
rang badal badal, man ko machal machal rahen,
na chal na jaane kyon, vo anjaan pal
tere bina mere nainon me
Toote re haay re sapanon ke mahal
na jaane kyon, hota hai yeh zindagi ke saath ..

VariousMoods

2007-01-15T13:29:00.001+05:30

Hubby: Errrr,i am only saying its not safe driving so fast with you behind"
huh,men! ! ! !

These two are the most important members of our family,Sometimes i wonder how it would have been had they used words to express their thoughts,what do they think of us? what do they feel about me?Their eyes say it all,and they fondly lick my face while i am sleeping,if i am crying they come and touch my hand,the moment i enter the house they bark and bark till i give them a big hug,they mob me and they keep searching my bag to see what i got them to eat.
Raja likes samosas and mirchibajji and all that we humans shall eat,he states it clearly through his actions that he is also a human,he hates fellow dogs,and he would sleep only on the bed,on the chair he sits and he relaxes on the diwan,He makes sure we know clearly about his rights and keeps reminding about our dutues towards him:)

and Sandy is the mild one,well,one look at his eyes and whole world will curse our family that we might be torturing him,dont give him food and that he is facing it all humiliation with silence,well,his eyes are always sad but he is the most pampered and the kid of the house,He needs mom all the time, he follows her religiously where ever she goes, today when i look back past few years of this house i know we laughed more and smiled more because of them,we bonded more as a family because of them,we forgot egos because of them,we felt more secure because of them, this is for you both my dear kiddos,you make our existence complete:) keep rocking.