An old diary

As i sat to write i remember nothing, think nothing and i just feel the silence of the night, It never scares me, the silence that is.. It always indulges my thoughts, it always purifies my soul, my tired little soul which is always trying to adjust to the wayward ways of life, battling the crowd and the noise. I feel lost in the crowd, Words feel like bullets and people make me feel alone.

 I have no answers for questions, i just move on with life, when someone asks me why i am the way i am, i just smile, Why? Does anyone find the answer for this? No. When the sun rises tomorrow i will wake up to the bright light falling into my lap, i get ready, I take a mask and wear it on my face, the mask of intelligence, the mask of confidence and the mask of smile and the cheerful me walks into the world, i blink for a moment at the brightness, and then i am a part of it all. 

But tonight, its just me and my thoughts, i am not lonely, i am just alone, no masks and no fear, no artificial smiles and i feel relieved, in the darkness the memories cover me up, and i just look into the sky, looking a the twinkling sky filled with stars a small smile comes on to my face, memories.....

Long back someone sent me a msg, i remember it tonight, in the silence of the night, i remember the person, i remember the words........." dooriyan jab humare rishte mein aaye, tho meri yaadein dil ka dard nahi, jeene ka sahara banao"

Old diaries, they have so much hidden in them, so many feelings and emotions just lying there, in the form of words, and some, in the form of blank pages'

I walk back into my room, closing the doors behind me, covering the drapes, i no longer can see the sky, neither can i feel the silence..... i close my old diary, its almost falling apart, i safely put it in back in to the shelf, hidden behind a pile of books, its just a memory. 

yaadein

There is no end to memories, A smile always comes back when we turn around to look at the days gone by and the days filled with laughter and fun come back in a moment. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then i started typing this post, with those immediate few images from the days gone by which brought a smile and these little precious gems are what makes life worth.

The image of three girls walking down the huge empty roads in the defence quarters and sharing one cup of ice cream. Limited pocket money or the joy of sharing, don't remember what prompted that1:3 ratio:)))))

Amma always bought identical water-bottles, lunch boxes, pencils and pens for both kids, The sixth class studying sis lost her water-bottle cap and silently replaced it with 4th class studying bro's water bottle cap. Thank god the little secret is still a secret:)))))

Talking about the sibling it is not clear how a 1/2 km stretch from school which takes about 15 min to walk back home would take him more than two hrs and one such occasion amma back from office and went in search of him towards the school, only to find him slowly walking with a tiny plant in both the hands and also talking to the plant:( He was just being careful about bringing the plant alive but then amma gives a lecture that i need to be careful and come along with him)))))

The first movie i went to watch with a gang of girls from school, we finished our board exams and we felt so proud of ourselves. It was a comedy movie and my best friend found it hilarious, so much so that she literally started kicking the front seat with her leg while laughing, the one in that seat did not find it amusing at all(((((

Aunty's shop-next to college, she had the best of samosas and we would wait for 9am, that's when the fresh stock came and the co ed college had a ladies room:))) we being the first batch to be admitted into a all boys college and the royal treatment we got every where and i remember naming a senior "Golgappa" I never knew he was a senior:((((( and the whole gang made me repeat "I am a complan girl"20 times for no reason:))))))

A group of college friends, 23 of them, went to watch a movie and16 turned up, we sold the remaining 7 tickets for triple the price we bought them for and partied with the money:))))

I thought PG would be serious stuff and in my first weak to the college, i bunked, in fact everyday i ran away from the economics class, as soon the the professor entered from the front door i used to run from the back door:))))))

The 50 acre campus filled with only women was fun, i tasted canteen food first time in my PG. I imitated Laluprasad yadav on the freshers day and they presented me with a wall painting which is still with me:)))

I know you are going to smile when you read this Pratima:) The first all girls nightouts started not in my PG but when i started working, one bio tech teacher, one food & nutrition teacher and Me, the commerce one:) the long drives and giggling whole night and one particular such time when i guess the downstairs ppl complained about too much noise and sounds, well, we were dancing you see:)
The fried rice you made and the comments which i had, the walk back home late night and early morning walking and whole night singing and giggling is still fresh in memories, and yes, we changed, everything changed but then such is life:) isn't it.

My two best friends are guys, those with whom i can share any news, those who understand my silence and every bit of me, those whom my husband would trust my safety with, amma did the same, its been more than 14yrs and there is no end to it..... they are the strength, they are the weakness, they are the lifeline...

Thank you dear god, for all the good times
And as he posted in his blog
"haan.... waqt yeh bhi guzar jaayega"

RIP

I thought i will have a thousand words to say but right now all i have is silence, the tears wont stop and the pain wont go away. You left us, silently, middle of the night, without a sound, just resting your head on the shoulder, you stopped breathing, we knew you will go but then no one is ever prepared, RAJA, we miss you, i don't want to go back to a house where you wont be there. 40 days with out eating food, you knew you have to go, we tried every damn medicine, every damn injection and glucose and whatnot, but as if you were telling us to let go. we stopped, after 30days, not before giving a last look at your frail body and the tiredness on your face when we took you to the doc one last time. We wanted you to leave in peace, not in pain, the last ten days you just were lying in the bed, and one night you left, just like that. Its been 11yrs when you first came into our life. I wish you could be with me forever, i dreamed of introducing you to our kids, to see how you will react but then you had to leave. I have nothing more to say, the tears wont stop. God bless you kid, be safe in the heaven.

Raja
RIP

1998-2009

Memories

Its a pleasant evening, well, No rain, not very hot, nice breeze and the dancing leafs in my tiny flower pots makes it feels good, i opened all the doors.

I was in the kitchen, making sambar and i suddenly wanted to write a post, Yes, i know i am weird, what to do, we are like this only. By the way,thanks mom for that recipe and thanks to SIL who gave me the gyan about curryleaves and the imp of them for enhancing the aroma,:)

It feels nice when i get to know about the little kitchen secrets from MIL, Mom or SIL. I am not a wonderful cook but i do my job pretty decently,hmmmm, maybe because its more than job for me:) The stories attached to a particular dish, the memories of it, Yes, i mean it. The memories attached, I said i rushed to write a post, because the sambhar brought back memories of childhood days, of peddamma or my mom's elder sister, my cousins and the village.

The humid and hot summer evenings when we used to come back lazily from the fields, we went along with the servants and along with my uncle, played in the hot sun, ate sugarcanes, mangoes & thati munjelu or Toddy palm seeds as they are called, jumped into the river canal, I climbed trees, those big banayan trees and from the edge of a stem used to jump into the river, i did it, used to bribe the servants and my cousin so that they let us do all that the village kids did.

Came back home at sunset, and peddamma sure never knew what we were up to, sometimes all the 4 km from the fields would be walk or at times in a bullock cart or a tractor and when we enter the house the smells of sambhar welcomed us, she made it most of the evenings, with small sambhar onions and simple tadka, slowly simmering in an earthen pot on a kumpati ( a stove made of mud and uses charcoal or timber) My cousin always cribbed that she never makes anything special but for us it was special.

No coming inside the house unless you take bath, she would order and when we did she used to give permission to light the lanthern. Four or five of them, for each room, neatly cleaned and oiled and lighted, we used to keep it in rooms, and then the beds would be put in the varandah, nulaka mancham they were called and we all start talking, it would all be about us, me and my brother, the special guests, and there were no boundary walls, the neighbours sometimes joined in.

Night silent with occassional bells ringing tied in the cows neck and 8pm, we all used to sit down for dinner, outside, in the open yard, near the kitchen and she used to serve hot rice and little bit of new mango pickle, i used to insist for more but she refused always, and dollops of ghee, avakkaya annam:) and then second round would be the sambhar, shifted to a small bowl, it used to go round and everyone used to complain it is hot but not stop eating, accompanied by vadiyalu ( or papad) the taste was awesome. And comes the third round, yes, the one where we were not supposed to complete the meal without having curds, but we are full" we always complained, but she never would agree.

Satisfied and sweating because of the hot food, we then used to jump into the beds with the visanakarra ( or handheld fans) and start talking again, till late into the night, there is river krishna flowing right in front of the house and the coconut plams, the hibiscus near the cow shed, the jasmine near the kitchen and the big mile stone just in front of the house whre i used to sit in the evenings and watch the boat ( or ballakattu) sail by.

There is much to write but somehow i feel sad and silent, the words don't form sentences, there is a lump in the throat, i miss that place, the people, peddamma lost 25yr old son, my cousin, i still feel its not true and then her daughter, my elder sister had a marital problem and they lost most of the property and left the place.

Its been long back, And i never went back to that place, my brother did, he met the kids with whom we played, but i never went, i have happy memories of the place, now its abondened and no one lives there, the bushes and trees make it look like a jungle, the boat is broken and not many come to this side of the river, the milestone, the river, the big banayan tree are still the same, but everything else changed, I don't want to go back. I have memories, they make me smile, pushing back the tears i gave a stern warning to the husband that he dare not getup from his dinner before having curds. So our dinner was avakkaya annam, sambhar, vadiyalu, perugu. Memories- they make life so beautiful and worth living.

Hope

Pic courtesy : An evening from our Terrace

Its surprising how often I think of you,
turn to speak to you,
and realize you're not right there

i guess i hold you so close in thought
that its hard to understand sometimes,
that you aren't close in person.

"Kisi mausam ka jhaunka tha
jo is deewar par latki hui tasveer tirchhi kar gaya hai
gaye sawaan mein ye deewarein yoon seeli nahin thi
na jaane is dafa kyun inmein seelan aa gayi hai
darare pad gaye hai aur seelan is tarha baithti hai
jaise khushk rukhsaroon pe geele aansu chalte hain"

Its been more than three years, and there are still such memories, such moments which come back, remind me of the time gone by, of the people who walked away, of the tears and pain and the emptiness which filled up, the darkness and silence which just took over and it hurt so badly that there were moments when i thought it was the End. That there is nothing more, I cried, day and night, hoped and wished that you will be back, i wished it were just a dream but then reality dawned and how i wished it never did. Days went by and i just moved on, took lot of time to smile again and to push back the tears it took lot of strength, i took time but i did so.

The words are just a reminder for me that nothing stops, you wont stop living and End is not when you want it to be, it would come, but till then just live, the Hope of a tomorrow will bring a new light. The darkness has to go and it did. Today every smile is so precious and every joy so memorable because i know the worth of it and Thanks to the one who left... If not for you i never knew i had strength, to fight back and to live, I now know about HOPE, thanks to you. Life goes on and i await Another New Day.

And then there is SRK always with his line "Picture abhi baaki hain dost"

Ye Lamha

I laughed at her when i looked at it, made fun of her idea of locking up a 2Rs cookery set,a teddy bear which she got me some 20yrs back,a small hand fan which she bought for me at uttaranchal,a flute which is the only memory left of dad,
those plastic flowers bought at a roadside vendor after 10 min of bargaining, the dancing doll which i got for her, the coconut idol i got for my brother, and so many others in the showcase in the hall, and when she dint let me touch even the glass pane i was angry but then i realized, she is not gathering clutter.

she is locking away the memories, the way she looks at them all once in a day when she is alone reminds her of our childhood, of our past and the days of struggle and the times of happiness, every toy, doll, flowers and items there have a story to say, every thing there reminds me of a past, of togetherness and of love and affection,of never ending friendships .

Time won't come back but these will remind us all of what it was like before and how we always will cherish it all. I moved away from house two years back and he is always busy with his work and she is alone most of the time after coming from office, i know she keeps talking about us all to the servant,
shares the stories with those who care to listen to and every Sunday she will open the glass doors carefully, dust them all and fondly touch them, relive those memories and then lock the glass doors and hang the key near the fridge, she does it always, every Sunday, without fail, Sorry mom, i wont ever laugh at this ritual of yours, you gather these memories and i will relive them all one day,Love you ma.

There is chill in the air, my balcony,the roses and the the plants are all rain soaked, when i woke up and opened the balcony i was greeted with these two lovely roses, with little drops of water and moving their heads as if they are telling how happy they are, and i wanted to tell them that i am happy too, i am soaking in the simple pleasures of life, Isn't it easy?
I let the thought be left alone and covered up in a shawl and got busy with my morning newspaper and remembered one of my fav..."Aye zindagi,ye lamha jeelenede"

Waqt

Started adapting to Bangalore, slowly finding my way, getting familiar and enjoying it too. But the idea of going to Hyderabad still makes me all emotional.I know in this age where people travel from north pole to south pole i am stuck between two neighboring cities and still feel all emotional:) but don't we all come in different shapes and sizes.

If School gave a sense of security and familiarity college life gave wings to fly.School was about innocence and college taught me to be smart.If i discovered a world in school i learnt how to live in that world through the college life, all of it happened in the city i love the most, If the defence school was fun and discipline so were the friends.
My first college was in Nampally and it was the first time i got to travel in bus daily, new dresses were made,new hand bag and sandal from liberty where bought and that's when i realized that i no longer will wear a school uniform and white shoes and red ribbons every day:) and i was handed over to a girl who studied Degree in same college and there started a journey of discovering the city, scared, shy to talk to strangers and silent most of the times i slowly learnt to be independent through this journey,i remember the first day of college where my classes got over by 12pm but waited for the other girl till 4 because i dint know where the bus stop is and was scared to ask a stranger. learnt to get into buses at signals, push and rush into the bus and get hold of a seat for me and for friends too.
Friends, classes, movies, panipuri and flirting, all happened in high doses during this phase of inter to under graduate. Swati tiffin center was our adda and i always ordered chole batura there, and near by sultan bazaar made me always dream of a future when i will have loads of money and buy every dress hanging there in shops:)
If graduation is fun then post grad is responsibility, its about time to learn to be professional and being a management student i did everything to prove myself, campus life is altogether a beautiful exp, getting photocopies, those library hours and then rushing to libraries for reference and sharing lunch boxes with friends and sitting in the garden till 6 in the evening and then rushing for the classes for another course and ultimately reaching home at 10pm in the last bus, amma waits in the bus stand, we walked back through the dark deserted lanes in rainy season while i used to tell her about my daily adventures.

My most fun and beautiful phase is 6yrs of teaching in a college with a 50acre campus and there we were,three in one friends:) we traveled triples from Koti to Tarnaka in rain, ate panipuri as if there is no tomorrow at shivam, went to Lorven to buy loads of gifts, Did crazy things like sitting on the pavement at the ever busy tarnaka flyover to just laugh at a guy who was staring at us, stayed at each others house and all night dancing and singing and our mutual love for Veg fried rice and paneer saw us finding some good and lot of weird places to gorge up on chinese food and we seriously saw some wierd movies together which were senti and emotional and we three laughed it all for 3hrs and one such evening,we hunted down a cake shop at 10pm when he almost was closing it and bought a cake, traveled triples at 11pm,reached home,went for a walk with two dogs in toe and cut a cake at 1am to celebrate Christmas and sang carols and at 4am again went for a walk,sang all sorts of songs and slept at 6am.
Life was good with all of them, friends, family and the job, don't forget my two Dogs, and then....And then marriage happened. One by one and we all parted ways, in the way we lived to the style to the smiles and to the fun, everything changed.......This is another phase.albeit a new city but then such is life, Yet another place and phase and personality to discover.

Gulzar says Here, "kuchh nahin Taharta na Pancham! Kabhee bhi kahi bhi. na tum Thahare, na main hi rukunga. main kya bataaun ki jab aa raha tha to jaa raha tha.
ye gHalat hai ki waqt guzar jaata hai. waqt, time eternal hai, permanent hai. aur kabhee nahin guzarta. Jo guzar jaata hai, wo ham aur tum hain"

"ye din jo aaye"

Its silent and it usually is,the apartments,the corridors and the surroundings are always silent here,all i can hear at times is doors being opened or closed, And today a friend asked how i am spending my vacation and i said "Eating,sleeping, movies and blogging" and she said "wow,sounds good" I just asked myself, does it really sound good?
Is this how vacation is spent,was it not different when i was a kid. When i dint have a mobile or internet or dvd player? It used to be fun when we finished the last day of exam and knowing how every friend is going to some place, nana nani or mausi's house.And i went to my village, that small village and there i had a smile, or laughter.when was the last time we all laughed out loud, screemed and ran, yes,when was the last time we ran and played without the fear of getting hurt and were covered in dust and sand and sweat but had no fear of hygiene?

When was the last time i woke up the sound of temple bells in the vishnu alayam and shivalayam in that small village,and then there were other sounds, the servants taking the tractors and bullock carts to the fields and someone sweeping the huge aangan and another putting rangoli and where we all cousins just there in the bed looking around,pulling and pushing each other, and then brushing our teeth with a neem stem, we ran to play, yeah,at six am we played, at the banks of the river flowing slowly,not much water there and we just jumped into it from the tree branches near by.No fear or no one to scold and someone walking on the bridge would recognize us "ha haa, Came from Hyderabad isn't it,how is your mom and which class are you in and my cousins would proudly announce it all"

Playing to the hearts content we went home, only when we realized we were hungry, took bath near the coconut tree where a huge tub made of cement had cold water in it and the hibiscus flowers falling from the near by branches,we would scream, fight and finish the bath and then sat in the kitchen, down,on the floor with peddamma serving idlis and loads of ghee and we gleefully tell her stories, she always thought we were thin and held mom responsible for it and we,we just glowed in her love and affection.

Play time again, paaleru or the servants are back from fields to take food for others and we follow them,two km,we just walk to the fields and there it was time for fun again, sitting on the buffaloes {yes,i did} and running in the sugarcane fields we drank coconut water and ate mangoes. scotching heat but it just dosn't make us feel bad,we are having fun and we did it wholeheartedly. came home for lunch and then the discipline starts, peddamma never allowed to play after lunch,she scolded always to sleep and we did sleep,under the huge banyan tree, with those folded beds and played,yes,we sang and we played with five stones or ashta chemma, pacchis and other games, me and my brother were the king and queen whom other children would treat as,we came from Hyderabad you see:)

and the evening arrives with such beauty, "godhulivela" A beautiful word in Telugu which means that time of the evening when all the cows are returning from the fields with bells ringing which are tied to their necks,and the dust raised from the walk tries to match with the red orange sunset over the water,the dust from that red and black clay mud, And there was a mile stone in front of the river and i stand there,kids jumping into the water from that bridge built over the river,it joins two sides of a village, the other side which i can see from this end,but to reach i need to either swim or walk on that bridge,the one which was built 70yrs back.
Time for dinner,Dinner,i smile,the image of very hot rice and mango pickle,ghee, sambhar and vadiyalu or papad as we call and then curd with rock salt and lemon pickle makes me so hungry.the lanterns are lit in all the rooms,the beds are being made outside the side varandah,white bedsheets and pillows and hand fan if it gets too hot,but its never hot in summer also.

jasmines and roses and hibiscus blooming allover and there are not many sounds now,the river looks serene,i keep watching the ripples and the moonlight falling on it and slowly fall asleep,i was not busy but still tired,i dint work much but still very hungry,i dint have a blog or TV but i still feel satisfied,i dint call anyone from my mobile,but i feel as if i chatted the whole day,I have had such a wonderful day,that day,sometime back,or was it long back when i was there?

"Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii.."

"..Pooche jo koi.."

There are times when you just don't feel like doing anything,well at 2am in the night there are very few choices you have but still, Thats the time when i just kept staring at the darkness with a song playing in the background. A song which never got a mention here at this blog.
But its been with me past two years, it was a ring tone and a caller tune on my phone and i had friends who kept calling on my phone just to listen to the song. I wanted to hate the song,I wanted to forget it, maybe because it brought back memories, of someone, of a time when everything looked so perfect and so beautiful, of those nights when I could hear a laughter, where there were promises,there were dreams and this song always played in the background,most of the times there was silence between two people but the song always played.

And one day everything ended, Anger took over, pain became a soul mate, hurt and left alone just wanted to erase memories, of the beauty, of the promises, of the laughter and i started deleting songs, tearing off the cards, throwing off the gifts, burning those pages from the diary, did everything,or did I? I deleted the song as my caller tune, as my ring tone, forgot the song or so i thought. But well, I tried erasing something which was etched in my heart forever, we can move on but forget anything, Still, I kept trying..
Memories come back to you in a flash of the moment, just like that,Isn't it? And tonight it just came back to me just like that,the song, the lyrics and made me wonder, do I hate the song? hate the memories? and somewhere the answer i knew came up to me, NO, i no longer hate anything, the song or the memories....they are a part of my living. Got back to the song, downloaded it but i am still trying to put it back as my caller tune, hope i can do so..
Sometimes simple things bring back such peace in life, maybe its time i made peace with a past which i left far away...... For now i am lost in the music, in the darkness of the night i just close my eyes and move into the distant land of dreams, drift away into the beauty....."Pooche jo koi,meri nishani,rang hina likhnaa,gore badan pe ungli se mera naam adaa likhna......."

Ye Hain Pyar ke Pal

Jasmines,i can smell them, the season is here, i remember home, mom must be going to the terrace every evening to pluck a big basket of these flowers, and then she will make a big gajra and next morning cut them into equal portions and take them to office to give them to her friends, and then watermelons, i can see them all the places and i remember some adv about a refrigerator which has such a nice big portion of melon when opened,i don't know why but i always remember the ad:)

Sugarcane juice and reminds me of my college in Hyd, my colleague always sent the attender to bring ganne ka ras for everyone all summer, the staff room was stuffy,small and only one fan but every afternoon after classes we used to close the windows and switch off the lights,draw the curtains and make the room semi dark and talk,talk and talk.And one such afternoons we would just hop on to the two bikes,two on each and go eat hot mirchi bajjis and samosa ragda and cool off with dahi wada, in 100rs finish stuffing ourselves and come back to talk more.

And on the last day of college while breaking for holidays used to go to each dept and wish them happy holidays, walking under the trees covering our heads with dupattas or an occassional colorful umbrellas we just forgot it was hot,or we enjoyed the hot summer in our own way may be.
At home amma used to water the plants in the evening,she says it would give some cool breeze,and till 11am we just keep the doors open, and go on to the terrace to pour water to cool it a bit and then put the mattress and lie down to count the stars, we always did it,till the coconut trees would add up to the idle chatter with their gentle ruffling of the leaves, and then some time in the night we drifted off to sleep. And when there were power cuts,i used to sing,yeah,show all my knowledge to my brother, who when in good mood would tolerate my extremely bad rendering of "Utte sabke kada,dekho rampam pum, aji aise geet gaya karo" or "Lakdi ki kaati,kaati pe godha.."
Summer starts with Ugadi" the telugu new year and mom would pluck the new green mango from the garden, the mango leaves tied to the entrance,the banana leaves used to have lunch on the festivities are from our own garden and amma always watered the plants saying its too hot and she would n let them wither away.The garden is always green,any season,with some flower or fruit,someone knocking the gate for either mangoes or coconuts or banana leafs on festivities or functions, someone or the other early morning plucking the flowers near the gate to take them to the temple, mom would be putting rangoli at that time the chatter would start instantly only applyig breaks when both the parties remember that they need to cook and rush to office.. I used to carry a water bottle and an umbrella with me all the time:) fun it was,to have a umbrella and it was always same bus with same couple of friends from same colony and at times same seat also,and those unlucky souls who never got a seat to sit would handover their bags or stuff to us, and we used to gladly accept such from strangers also..it was all so simple,life...
The world which i left behind is still same, mom still does all of it, the ex colleagues still have all the fun, but now i just get an sms as i got one today "We missed you" Well, i miss it all too but then when i mentioned it to mom she just smiled. According to her i still will get the mangoes delivered here,i still get to have the jasmines when i go home later this month, i can still meet the old colleagues when i am there,i can still sleep on the terrace and count the stars and can have my lunch in the banana leaf when i go home,What matters is i need to appreciate such simple pleasures and i can have fun forever... Well,mom thats what i will do for my life, never forget good times so when i meet such times again i always will be able to just start off where i left and can enjoy it all, isn't it? Life is truly simple and beautiful,It takes us a while to understand and appreciate it all.

Mere ghar aana zindagi..

"Aalapana,the sounds of music,which is a part of my life,aalapana which changes according to the raga being sung,similar to my words,which change according to my emotions"
The first post written that evening,Two years back when the journey started again.

Two years already,Two years since one evening when i just closed my diary and walked to the computer to restart blogging, two years already since i closed Akruti? Two years since life started all over again,Two years of no contacts with the people who left,who walked away and two years since i turned back to look at people whom i left behind,emotions which i ran away from,tears which now don't roll out so easily and the innocence which i left far behind,Life changed so much and new experiences and new people walked in, happiness and smiles frequented often and tears and loneliness became rare, Happy Two years of existence Aalapana.Thank you for all the new beginnings and thank you for Another New Day.

There are people who come here regularly,some come here,read and go back, silently,I wish you come out and say it once that you do read the blog:) I would have another reason to smile, another reason to write,to keep writing,De lurk people, make me smile:)

"There were tears,when i was listening to this song, to be true to myself there are tears most of the mornings when i am driving on those empty roads, early in the morning when the morning chilled air strikes me fast and furious, i just keep staring at the trees and those flowers fallen on the road,when the music is playing in my ears and there i feel it, a darkness which i keep pushing away but it still is lingering around somewhere deep in the heart,My eyes keep searching for that one similar face in the crowd at the traffic signal, There are no questions to ask or no answers to seek but still the eyes keep looking out and in a few seconds i snap out of the feeling and push away the impending tears and get busy with Life.
The song is an oldie again, 1979, Uttam kimar and sharmila in the movie Dooriyan and sung by Bhupinder and Anuradha Paudwal. I wish i had enough words to describe it.....

Zindagi Zindagi Mere Ghar Aana Aana Zindagi
Zindagi Mere Ghar Aana Aana Zindagi
Mere Ghar Ka Seedha Sa Itna Pataa Hai
Ye Ghar Jo Hai Chaaron Taraf Se Khula Hai
Na Dastak Zaruri, Na Aavaz Dena
Mere Ghar Ka Darvaaza Koi Nahin Hai
Hain Deevaren Gum Aur Chahat Bhi Nahin Hai
.......................
Mere Ghar Ka Seedha Sa Itna Pataa Hai
Mere Ghar Ke Aage Mohabbat Likha Hai
Na Dastak Zaruri, Na Aawaz Dena
Main Saanson Ki Raftaar Se Jaan Lungi
Havaaon Ki Khushboo Se Pehchaan Lungi

Gharonda

If nights are a beautiful visual treat then i am supposed to enjoy it and not sleep all through, Sometimes my own sentences don't make sense to me,and well,thats what i always say,what i feel need not be logical always,and what i say need not mean what i actually feel,confusing,it is,words always confuse me and silence always brings me solutions, i am in a profession where i use words all day,to make others listen to me,to convince others, to make them silent,to make them smile and at times to make them bored too, and its all a play of words and people decide if they like me or not based on a bunch of words, but what makes me smile is when i stand there,on the dais,silent, just watching the surroundings,looking at them and not using a single word and there comes the silence, pin drop silence,all of them looking at me,waiting for me to say something and all i give them is a smile,which just pops up with out my knowledge and they all start smiling too,giggling and then burst into a laughter....Its been 8 yrs into the profession and i am still not bored,i want to be a teacher, and nothing else,and yes,the one who says i am stupid to waste my time,energy,career, i just have a smile for you too:)

Past two days i must have re winded the song " do diwane shehar mein, raat mein yaa dopahar mein,aabudhanaa dhoondhate hai,ek aashiyanaa dhoondhate hain,in bhoolabhoolaiyyaa galiyon mein..." in my mind atleast 20 times, after traveling for more than 200km all around the city past two days and after checking out about 20 apartments we have not yet given up, we will have that ek aashiyana very soon, touch wood:) and by the way the song has the line which goes like..... "apanaa bhee koee yek ghar hogaa,ambar pe khulegii khidkii, ,yaa khidkii pe khula ambar hogaa,asamaani rang ke ankho.n mein, Asmaani yeah aasmani???"
What a beautiful song.....and only gulzar could have said this.......... "jab taare jameen par chalthe hain, aakaash jameen ho jaataa hain,woh raat nahiin fir ghar jaataa,woh chaand yahiin so jaataa hain" Gharonda, the movie was made in 1977 and i enjoy the music till date and so is the film,some things get better with time, Music is one and i say so does your memories:) There was a time when i thought and said Its all over,and today i know i have a long way to go,Not long ago i was walking alone the same lanes and today the hand is held firm and we just walk dreaming about a future, not long ago the tears never stopped and now when i remember i just smile and thank god,for the experience and for the memories, Life gets better each day.

At 1.30am i am listening to the beautiful and one of my favourite from Jhankar Beats which sums it up,...........Tu Hai Aasmaan Main ,Teri Yeh Zameen Hai

Tu Jo Hai To Sab Kuch Hai Na Koi Kami Hai,Tu Hai Aasmaan Main Teri Yeh Zameen Hai
Tu Jo Hai To Sab Kuch Hai Na Koi Kami Hai,Tu Hi Dil Hai Tu Hi Jaan Bhi Hai
Tu Khushi Hai Aasra Bhi Hai,Teri Chaahat Zindagi Hai .."

Ek Lamha

I was in school when the movie was released and i watched it when i was in my graduation i guess but after that i must have watched 10 times when cable TV was not the in thing and we could see regional movies on Sunday afternoon and one lucky day i watched it in Telugu also, one of the best movies of Indian film industry and with Maniratnam and Illayaraja nothing can ever go wrong.

There was no sign of sun rays yet, its cold but i enjoy the fog and i just kept walking, First time, yeah, its been a year since we shifted to Bangalore,Yes,exactly a year and first time of this one year i ventured out alone to walk to the temple,Something i just have forgotten to do after coming here,
but today i wanted to,i felt like running away from the confines of the flat,which for most of the day is locked or closed and curtains drawn and in silence.I wanted the fresh air,i wanted to hear the voices,And i set off,to the temple,it was too early for the ultra modern Bangalorean to wake up and venture out on a cold winter day and the sounds of chirping birds and barking dogs greeted me and i smelled coffee, heavenly coffee being brewed, Wonder why i never tasted it till date but it felt good and then the song came to me, of the movie i mentioned, MOUNA RAGAM, the tamil version, i don't understand the lyrics and for the first time,its dint matter, i heard the song coming out from some where, someone who is listening to Illayaraja at 6am on the first of January,wish i knew who it was.......but rest of the walk,i was humming,...."nilaavae vaa sellaadhae vaa, ennaalum un ponvaanam naan,enai needhaan pirindhaalum ninaivaalae anaiththaenae,nilaavae vaa....."

And i put on the ear phones,i love my new phone,and everytime i remember i stored 150 of my fav songs and the truth that i can hear them anytime widens my smile.. " Tumne to aakash bichhaya,mere nange pairo main zameen hai,dekhe to tumhaari aarzoo hai,shayad aisi zindagi haseen hai,aarzoo main behne do,pyaasi hoon main pyasi rahne do,katra katra milti hai,katra katra jeenedo,zindagi hai, behne do.."

The greenery around,empty roads,the pink flowers covering the sky and there was still no sign of the sun rays, the chill was making me numb but the feel of it all made me walk further more,"lisening to"Ae zindagi yeh lamha jee lene de,Oh, pehle se likha kuch bhi nahin,Roz naya kuch likhti hai tu,Jo bhi likha hai, dil se jiya hai,Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de"

Fresh flowers, chandan, coconuts,the omkaram, archana, kumkum, haldi, the incense sticks smelling heavenly, bare feet on the cold floor and the deity all decorated beautifully, a sense of calm when i sat there silently, "bas ek chup sii lagi hai nahii.n udaas nahii.n,kahiin pe saans rukii hai nahiin udaas nahiin,bas ek chup sii lagii hai"

she came and sat next to me,just for two minutes, must be of 5 yrs, absorbing the silence maybe, she was wearing her silk blouse and skirt and with chandan on her forhead and a rose in her hair,she looked so beautiful,maybe the innocence and a simple smile can make anyone look beautiful, she just sat there while her mother and father did the parikrama, then slowly she went to the near by plant and touched the flowers,slowly, she was touching the dew drops,and then she smiled,first slowly and then she ran,laughing,and i heard her telling her dad about her discovery, "Did it rain" her question.. and he was explaining.."No,but..."
i just walked off, Leaving her with her dad, with just one question still at some dark corner of my world which is lingering around for past 17yrs.. Does he miss us? how is it to be with both dad and mom.Strange,certain questions never leave you. do they???
"Ek roj zindagi ke ru-baru aa baithe..., zindagi ne poocha..dard kya hai..? Kyun hota hai..?
Kahan hota hai, yeh bhi toh pata nahi chalta....,Tanhai kya hai aakhir...?Kitne log toh hain...fir tanha kyun ho...?,Mera chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha...,main tumhari judwa hun...mujhse naaraz na hua karo...!!"

And there it was,the first rays of sun gracing the world gently and the numbness in my limbs is off,rubbing my hands together i rushed back home,to the silence,to the closed indoors,to the confines of my flat,to get ready,to face the world in a few minutes,when i come out at 8am to leave for work,i can never hear that song from mounaragam, no birds chirping around,the dew and fog vanish and so does the silence and freshness but then there is always Another New Day..Isn't it:)

"abhee alawidaa mat kaho dosaton,jaane kahaa fir mulaakaat ho,beete huye lamahon kee kasak saath to hogee,,khwaabon hee mein ho chaahe, mulaakaat to hogee,ye saath gujaare huye,lamahaata kee daulat jajabaat kee daulat,ye khayaalaat kee daulat,kuchh paas naa ho paas ye saugaat to hogee"

Before i forget, A Happy New Year To All Of You Out There,yes,to you too,the one reading the post now:)

Aanewala pal Jaanewala Hain

"Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii..." the one song which reminds me the beauty of the lyrics and the composition,and Mukesh's voice has a resounding effect on on the senses,"choti si baat" is one of my favorite films,but so is the music,i always mention the evergreen "na jaane kyon.." but the one sung by Mukesh is very close to my heart,it always would be for those who love music in its true sense.

One sentence used by most of my friends which always amuses me is "why do you hear music which makes you cry," Music will always make one emotional,it need not be painful situation but a song which is rendered beautifully,which has amazing lyrics makes me emotional.

one such song which i am listening to at 2am while typing away this post is "ek akelee chatri mein jab aadhe aadhe bheeg rahe the,aadhe sukhe aadhe geele, sukhaa to main le aaee thee,geelaa mann shaayad, bistar ke paas padaa ho,wo bhijawaa do, meraa wo saamaan lautaa do...Mera kuch saamaan tumhare paas pada hain.."from the movie Ijaazat.

For me the movie is about memories,the movie is a painting which i wouldn want to remove my eyes from,a silence which i wouldn want to break away from...ever,The performances,the music and dialogues and lyrics,One line which always brings tears to my eyes "ek ijaazat de do bas, jab isko dafnaauungi,main bhi vahii so jauungi .. main bhii vahii so jauungii.." Hmmm,and how foolish was i? trying to wade through a tide of memories,hoping that one day i will cross it over and then all will be fine,The line reminds me that they would end,but with Death,accept them,walk along with them,People are left behind but it is the memories which live till i am alive.....


I heard this song first time when i was in my graduation i guess,and i noted down the lyrics in a small notebook where i used to note down my favorite songs,and i used to tell everyone "One day i will have a collection of all these songs,at that time i just had dreams,we never had a cable connection or internet or CD's for that matter,an old taperecorder and it was a big thing to buy a cassette spending 60rs as a student,the black diary helped me to pack my dreams and fondly reminds me about a past which was so simple yet so beautiful,so tough yet so easy and so painful yet the smiles dominated....

Masoom..The only movie which i always had a special place for,and the music which i need not even talk about but one song which i remember for the voice quality and for the lyrics..."Do naina,ek kahaani,thoda sa badal,thoda sa pani,auuur ek kahaani...choti si do jeelo mein woh behathi rehthi hain...Koi sune,ya na sune,kehthi rehthi hain..kuch likhke,kuch jubaan se....thoda sa baadal..

"Kitne saahil dhoonde, koi na saamne aaya ,Jab majdhaar mein doobe, saahil thaamne aaya,Tumne saahil, oh, pehle bichhaaya hota,Khaamosh sa afsaana paani se likha hota,Na tumne kaha hota, na humne suna hota..." For a long time i dint know about the movie the song is from and to know that this movie was banned by censor board made me thank god that they dint ban the music atleast.

I tried my best to keep away from this song,i already mentioned this song in so many posts but still,i cannot complete this post without the song...After RD's demise HMV came up with a tribute for him with Gulzar rendering his voice talking about the moments and memories and the lines which i remember when it rains are..."Yaad hai baarishoN ke din thay woh, Pancham! Aur pahadee ke neeche waadi mein dhuNdh se jhaaNk kar nikalthi hue rail ke patariyaan gujarthi thi. Aur dhuNdh meiN aise lag rahe thay hum, jaise do paudhe paas baithe ho.n.....

Tumne to aakash bichhaya,mere nange pairo main zameen hai,dekhe to tumhaari aarzoo hai,shayad aisi zindagi haseen hai,aarzoo main behne do,pyaasi hoon main pyasi rahne do,katra katra milti hai,katra katra jeenedo,zindagi hai, bahne do...again from the movie "Ijaazat" I remember the train passing through the greenery,through the hills,the dew giving way to it and then the ever beautiful Asha bhosle's voice.....

Closing the books,switching off the music i invited the pitch darkness and the silence to be a partner through the remaining night,as i went to close the window i could hear from the flat next,I wish i could see the person,But maybe not,i am happy with the choice of the music,i dont want to close the windows,let the breeze float in the musical notes of..." Aanewaala pal jaanewala hain,hosake tho isme,zindagi bithado,pal jo ye jaanewala hain...."

Note:( why are comments shown as "0" when the post has comments:(:(:(

Pic courtesy:Deviant Art

Ek roj Zindagi...

"But sir,you always scold only me,Because i am short,and because i sit in front bench you always point out at me,you don't say anything to the other girls"

11am to 11.40am the staff room becomes a fish market,utterchaos, confusion and the Students
surround the teachers for everything and anything during the break time and the attender does a rope walk serving Coffee and the quota of two biscuits per teacher,
Thankfully i don't need to wait for him,i have no regards for the coffee or the Britannia Marie biscuits,so i seriously concentrate on TOI which is scattered by pages on each table,i was on the collection spree,collecting page 14 from the colleague who rarely smiles and asking for the Bangalore times from the one who annoyingly plays high music on his mobile phone,Yeah,he carries his phone in the shirt pocket with the loud speaker on and Tamil music playing,
and in midst of all this i heard a those words,coming back to my seat i tried looking at the direction where it came from.She is short,cute with her spectacles,controlling her frustration and trying hard to talk to the teacher with out letting her tears roll out of her eyes, One of her friend was trying to pacify and take her away but she was adament,she insists that he always scolds her and that today she was not making any noise but he still scolded her. "Because i am short you always notice me and make fun of me" she repeated.

I dont know what went on for the next 5 min but i just kept staring at her,i am not looking at her,her height or her tears, i am looking at the resolve of a girl who walks into the staff room to say that she is right and that she trusts herself while saying so.

I so wanted to talk to her,but i know it is wrong to involve when i am no where concerned,i just wished the teacher would clarify that the height was not an issue at all and that it dosnt matter,but No,he was busy clarifying other things.Do i involve or not? i knew i couldn and my dear collegue and friend who sits next to me and we both share a good friendship stopped me saying it wont be good if i spoke then.

She was going off,along with her friend,i just stood up and walked out of the room,she was there,in front of me,walking fast and furious still,i dont know her name,nothing,not even the class she is from,I need to tell her something,she was waiting near the lift,i just smiled and she looked at me,smiled back after a few seconds.
Hesitantly a few words came out from me "Girl,never let others takeover your confidence,Does it matter that you are short or someone else is fat or lean? if they think so let them be,Be proud of who you are and you know what,you have a wonderful confidence which will help you turn your dreams to reality,By the way you are the one who won the first prize in Debate,Isn't it" Bright eyes,filled with laughter,smiling,enjoying all the credit which is due she replied "Yes ma'am,and ma'am i know you"
"Do you?" Yes ma'am,you won the Anthyakshari competition conducted for the faculty,i remember the last song which you sang,its my dad's favorite song,You teach Consumer Behaviour,My cousin is in your class........"

After spending ten min talking,laughing,smiling it was time for good bye,she was going up to the canteen,"we are celebrating,she says with pride,i won so i am giving a treat,ma'am,join us"
No dear,you have fun, i have a class now.

Yes,i have a class now,but before that i have a word to talk to,to myself,to remind myself how it always affected me as a kid that i was fat,that i was tall and that i was always made to sit in the last bench,how i was laughed at,and how i had those tears welling up in my heart,but i did fight back, with my insecurities,stood up when i was right,fought back when i was humiliated,and i won,won over my insecurities ,it hurts to remember but i don't want to forget,i have more battles and it gives me strength to remember.

and while i was walking back to the staff room,i am greeted by my students,most of them with a smile,a few stopping to share a news,one stopping me to say that she had a fight with her best friend,a group rushing to me saying that they won the cricket match and one boy waiting for me to clear his doubts in Leverage Analysis and i have a class waiting for me to deal with Ethics in Subliminal Advertising and i recollect that song which i sang at the anthakshari....

"Tere girne mein bhi theri haar nahi,ki thu admi hain hain avtaar nahi.....zindagi hasne gaane keliye hain pal,do pal,isse khona nahi,khoke rona nahi......." Isn't it true "Life is to share the laughter and music,don't loose it all and cry for what you have lost.........Don't worry about failures,you are afterall human,Not god..."

Pic courtesy :Deviant Art.

Aaj mera jee karda.....

There is silence all around and i just drift of in to those memories,the days where life was simple,dreams were beautiful,people were a part of everything and you had a goal,a challenge,

all that laughter with a group of friends sitting in one corner in the Gokul chat bhandar or that icecream corner at Abids or that Johns bakery for sandwiches and that swati tiffin center at kachiguda where i always ordered chole bhatura no matter what,and that shop near to the college where hot samosas were delivered every morning at 9am and we used to line up for them,and then that drive over the tankbund or a walk with corn or bhel when it rained,

the waiting in the bus stops and trying to balance the books while standing and chatting with friends in the bus,handling those romeos whose just stared and stared, sitting in PR Sir's accounts class and playing anthyakshari with pen and paper,Sitting in the library for most part of the day right under the display board of "SILENCE PLEASE" and talking away to glory,bunking classes for the first show in maheshwari parameshwari theater.

sharing lunch boxes and gossips,those fights which happened in the seminar hall for planning the freshers and farewell,counting all those certificates and medals on the D day and waiting to reach home to mom and at times waiting at the public booth for making that one call to mom's office,waiting to here her voice and then excitedly telling her the result,and to hurry or the limited one re coins to be used will be over {I dont even remember when was the last time i used the land line or a public booth to make call},

Buying a Reynolds pen and a super delux long note book, carrying steel lunch box and a milton water bottle,that just time pass shopping at sultan bazaar and the ganne ka ras {sugar cane juice} at the entrance of the college,panipuri at the badichoudi where the moment he saw us he used to smile, the shanti selections showroom where we took 3hrs to select two chudidaars and then rejected them at the bill counter when and walked off while the salesman was still cursing us all:)

While Professor V walked into the classroom from the front door to teach economics we all used to rush out of the class from the back door,simple life,simple pleasures,that 100rs of pocket money was precious enough,Those simple dresses amma bought for festivites or birthday were worth all the smiles,there were no cards or bouquets of flowers,no sms but the wishes poured in from the loved ones,the early morning temple visits were refreshing,never celebrated mothers day but made sure to save money to buy a cheap nicknacks for amma or bro,that 10rs pen which he gave or that chocolate we shared tasted sweeter,daal chawal in the tiffin box was relished totally,
singing away the whole day i crossed one obstacle from another and one fine morning i found myself BUSY,with life and with the world,i was trying to create a future,i was on my way to becoming successful and i did,and when i looked around i found a decent bankbalance, this two bed room flat,the closed doors,the security lock,all the gadgets like the laptop,that dvd player,the music system,my two mobiles,and lot more,these which makes life Easy,entertaining,but i am busy,as always,rush through life,i have a mobile always with me but i have no time to call friends or amma,i keep it short always,i have N number of cd's with my favorite music but i have no time to listen to,I am Busy.How many times do we use this word in a day?

Stopped typing and looked out,these days i keep the windows open,i don't want to miss out on that cold breeze or that first drop of rain or that squirrel who occasionally gives me the company and then i heard a cuckoo singing one day,And it started raining,am i loosing my life to being busy? I felt depressed,scared,and it started raining,heavy rain and somewhere from some flat i heard a song in between the lashing rain,the song which is beautiful,amazing in its meaning and which says it all...i am smiling again,the high volume in which the song is played was a blessing,i could hear it all the way through the pouring rain,maybe there is a music lover in some room over there,who loves the life and knows how to make the most of it......

Aji mera jee karda ....
Rabba Rabba Mee Barsa, Saddi koti daaney paa .... (4)
kaava kaava kaava....
aaji mera ji karda ...

kaava kaava kaava
aaj mera ji karda, mei ut jaa naale haava vava
ki meri kismat ne (2) karditiya tandiya chaava ....
ke aaj mera (2) jee karda, mei lut jaava
lut jaa naale haava vava, aaj mera ji karda,

kaava kaava kaava ... aaj mera jee karda
lut jaavaa naal havaa vaaa .... ohh ...

Rabba Rabba Mee Barsa, Saddi koti daaney paa

sada neer achanchal paraiyan ki
khushiyan nachdiyan nachdiyan paraiyan ki
kaliyan rathan lagan paraiyan ki
gaavo toliyan gaavo toliyan gaavo toliyan
nijaa boliyan

Rabba Rabba Mee Barsa, Saddi koti daaney paa ....

I cannot translate the whole meaning but i am just trying to copy what i know of it.

"Hey bhagwaan,kaale badal barsao,
aaj mera dil kartha hain ki main jee bhar ke naachoo,
mere dil mein aaj tamannayein bhari hain,
kaash mein panchi ki tarah ud paatha,
kismath jagaai hain,barish ki boondein khushiya lekar aayi hain
,kaash mein us paatha,kaash panchi udaan lepatha......"

Live,and live with a smile,live and live with people around,
Live,and live to share with others,Live,and live to wipe a tear,
Live and live to tell a tale of the days gone by,but do so with a smile,
live,live to look forward for a tomorrow,for a better tomorrow,
Live,and live it to the fullest.
Have a wonderful day ahead all of you.

"Ye dil aur unki nigahon ke saaye

"Ye mulaaqat ek bahaana hain,pyar ka silsila purana hain...main hoon apni sanam ki bahoon mein,mere kadmon thale zamaana hain.."listening to this song at 7am makes me feel great.

Lost in the world of thoughts i just kept scribbling in the silence of the morning,not many sounds except for the songs..
"ishaaro ishaaro mein dil lene waale bataa ye hunar tune sikhaa kahaa se,nigaaho nigaaho mein jaadoo chalanaa,meree jaan sikhaa hain tum ne jahaa se"
all the wonderful songs early in the morning,i love early mornings because of music and....... And? there came a smile,was it not long long back when it was only music and the diary,Diary????

oh,the one which i always kept writing early in the mornings or late in the nights,i love both,watching the sun rays entering my room,the roses in the garden,the freshly drenched earth in the dew and the late nights when all i had was music and the wind chimes and the breeze touching my cheeks while i just kept writing,whatever,i felt, anger, frustration, smiles, pain or just a line portraying my love.
It was a small world,friends,family,studies and dreams,of a better tomorrow,thats it,I have come a long way,haven't we all?
Today when i look back i just smile at that innocent little girl full of dreams,where did she go? today after heart breaks and frustrations,failures and success and cut throat competition and jealousy and winning a lot and loosing a few am i better than that innocent girl? Sometimes i feel i am not,i wish to go back,but then life is always about walking into a tomorrow,isn't it:)Not that i don't love my today but then i miss my yesterday.

"Almost an year" Reminded the date on the calender and he says "Already? was it not only a few months back?" Yes dear,it was few=11months back and in a months time we will be celebrating the First wedding anniversary"
Life has been good,well,sort of Khatta meeta {was watching this extremely wonderful and lovely movie by Basu chatterji} and the song "thoda hain,thode ki zarrorat hain,zindagi fir bhi yehan khoobsoorat hain"
Dates form an important reminder of those wonderful time gone by,and Dairies also are a part of that to me,was searching for a particular entry and found this diary of 2006,the year when life took a U turn and changed everything,brought so many changes and the scribbles there made me nostalgic.

March19th when i met you for the first time,March26th when the wedding was confirmed,April 12th when we got engaged:) dates they are all now,but with a thin thread of memories which hang around my world forever.they are not only dates now,they are the links to my yesterday,to such memories which will remind me to smile and be thankful to god for what is given to me,to us.

How do you feel?are you happy? why can't i see it?

"Not all happiness need to be shown,or reacted up on,this is beyond a humanly reaction for me,a feeling of complete bliss,it can just be felt but maynot be expressed" True,no amount of words can ever say what this one year was like,how it was to be with you,Sometimes silence says it all

"aao huzoor tumko sitaaron mein le chalun, dil jhoom jaaye aisi bahaaron mein le chalun,aao huzoor aao"

And then goes the other favourite of mine"ye dil aur unki,nigahon ke saaye,ye dil aur unki nigahon ke saaye,mujhe gher lethi ye baahon ke saaye........."

The world of music and memories and those unspoken words of promise of a better tomorrow,Life is beautiful:)

Wishes Of More Smiles,Joy,Happiness.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and A Happy and wonderful new year ahead,have fun,party hard and laugh aloud,share a smile and wipe a tear,let the pain vanish and smiles bloom around,Its after all

Another New Day,Filled With Dew Drop Dreams.

Life is full of surprises,as always,walking away from the place where you were born and brought up,the city of fond memories,the job which is more than work ,the place where you made friends and the place which made you what you are today,the dreams and the happiness,the pain and tears,all were born here and one fine morning you pack your bags and leave in search of a new destination,a new dream and a new world,and it all starts again,the life which is left behind turns into fond memories,and the world which you enter forms the core of your dreams,the one which you struggle to make it all into a reality.Life goes on and every day brings in a new experience.

I remember this song today which is one of my childhood favourties,from the film Baaton Baaton mein, i always used to sing it along with my father
"utte sabke khadam,dekho rum pum pum,aji aise geet gaya karo, kabhi kushi kabhi ghum,taara ram pum pum,haso.n aur hasaaya karo,woh pyare din aur woh pyari raatein,yaad humein hain woh mulaqaatein,nahi koi ghum,nahi koi gila,zindagi ke raah mein mile hain humtum,......"

This place is like a mirror of my emotions,where i talk to self,and now i am going away in search of a new path,new destination,will be back the day i feel i can spare time for myself,for glancing at life from this angle,till then take care and have fun all of you.

Life Is Beautiful

Was cleaing my reading table drawers, i was supposed to do this work as soon as we shifted to this flat,that is 5months back,well,it came filled with memories,i brought lot of my things from my house,left behind a few and now i make them a part of this flat,lot of things,which i placed them whereever i wanted them to be,but the drawers never got opened till now.

Found lot of things there,100's of photographs and autograph books and pens and my first palmtop,organiser and greeting cards and then i found

My walkman,my first walkman,My mom got me this when i cleared ICWA foundation when i was in Graduation first yr.
It must have costed her a few hundred,i know how difficult was at that time for my family to spend such amount on fun,or a hobby.but she did so,we never had a cable connecion untill both me and my brother finished our post graduation,the small black and white Videocon tv was limited for viewing sunday evening movie on doordarshan.
I remember the feeling when i got this gift,she just handed it to me,nofancy wraper or words,a simple smile was all i could share with her,but it meant a world to me,to her and to my brother.I used it for a few years,and then it went into the drawer,we have everything today.All the so called luxuries,but today when i go back to those days i remember them with a fond smile,
I miss those days, we were an average middle class struggling family,but we were together,those simple pleasures of life,sitting in the kitchen with mom,enjoying simple daal chawal,occassional new dresses and rare outings but still we enjoyed eachday.

Our first holiday was a surprise gift for mom,we both saved for a trip to Badri and kedarnath and then to Delhi,we watched snowfall for the first time and the day when bro bought his bike and took mom to the temple and when he got her a simple mobile and the day we had the house warming ceremony for our house which atlast was completed,and then came so many things,they all changed our lifestyle,
but did it change our way of living?No,it dint,i am happy that we still live the same way,happy with our simple pleasures,i still see ma going to the temple,praying everyday,helping people in whatever ways she can,bro still gets to be pampered like a small kid, we still sit in the kitchen on sundays and excitedly tell her our experiences cherishing daal chawal and playing with the two fur brats.We sure are all busy now but we still find ways to be happy,thankyou mom,its because of what you taught me that i am happy today.

Got the best compliment from hubby {its rare that he uses words to express his feelings}when i heard "thankgod you know how to be simple and make it all beautiful" wow,i am honoured,i am happy and i know Life sure is what we want it to be,it might take time,it might test us,it did that to me too,there is lot more to come,but i know i can live through it all,there is always light at the end of the tunnel,i saw it when the time came,and one day you might see it aswell. Another day and another reason to smile and say that "Life is Beautiful"

Am listening to this song from Lage Raho Munnabhai and it sure is topping my list of favourites this year....... "pal pal pal pal har pal har pal,kaise katega pal har pal har pal,dil dil dil dil mein machi hain machi,machi hain hulchul hulchul hulchul...............tu jo hai saath mere toh dagar ,lage ke jaise khubsurat ghar,tu jo hai saath toh yeh ambar,lage ke jaise saaya ho sar par,tere kaandhe par rakhkar sar,yun hi katt jaaye saari umar,pal pal pal pal har pal" har pal.........