Life

Beautiful skyline, i always like this picture, from the terrace of my house, early morning, the mango groove, coconut leaves and wild jasmine in the back drop of the orange sky, just before the sunrise. Home, it just feels as if its been ages, but then life gives you very few choices, pick the one which suits you the best and then stop cribbing. I have been doing the same. And wish to continue.

Been busy? asked a friend, i had no reply, i will always be busy, that's how i want it to be but somewhere i just left behind a few things; my music, my blog, keeping in touch and generally left behind an important part of my living. Not deliberately, it was getting too difficult to handle everything and i left what i was comfortable with, because it won't hurt others, its ok if it hurts me. There was a scary C word in the family, there was work and then there was more work and with that came petty politics at work place and came the name and the fame and you just need to keep up with it all, cannot loose it can we? but then it hit hard one fine morning.
I guess there was a meeting and the chancellor was talking, i heard the line, " People won't remember that you were right 99 times, they will still talk about that one time when you were wrong"
Is it so? then what am i running for? Ppl will anyway talk, and i am not god:)

And i am back, to the world of music, back to blogging and to keep in touch, i don't know if i will be able to keep up the decision but i will try, 2010 is ending and i hope atleast the new year will bring the cheer for the tired soul.

Rain and the chilled air, the silence in the house as usual, it looks so peaceful, i am listening to Surili akhiyon wale, suna hai teri akhiyon se ,Behti hai neendein aurr neendon mein sapne,Kabhi to kinare pe, utar mere sapno se,Aaja zameen pe aurr mil ja kahin pe" Beautiful song. I wish life was simple, but then its in my hands, as always i mess it up and then i solve the puzzle myself.

A friend sent a quote in the morning " Patience and silence are powerful energies... Patience makes u mentally strong, silence makes you emotionally strong" by Abdul kalam.

"chand taare"

6am, Alarm rang and i wistfully opened my eyes, what if i don't go to office today? The world will not come to an end, Nah, that was not me, but husband who was getting ready to the office, but what if i don't inform anyone? No answer. errrr, he left, his cab is waiting. Hmmm, no coin to toss and make a decision, i am not going, i told myself and back into the warmth of the blanket and entered the land of dreams.
I din't bother to inform that i am on leave today, switched off my alarm, i slept and told myself the world is not going to end if i don't work for a day. Its ok to break the rules at times, its ok to not follow the instructions, its ok to not feel guilty and i slept.

Then, i woke up, just like that, 8am,without any alarm or without anyone waking me up and the silence was deafening, I know the guilt factor creeping. 8am, the time when the regular auto driver must be waiting down past ten min, attender at college must be wondering not to see me reading the morning newspaper which i carry myself from the reception and how he everyday cribs that i come first and he should be the one who must be early, I could feel his happy smile:)

Switched on the phone and the first msg reads from my best friend and colleague, "Don't bring the breakfast,i will get your fav dish" Damn, now i better act, called her up, informed her the reason, called the college, the attender was in a happy mood:))))) Msgs passed on and i went back to sleep.This time i know i wont wake up till someone bangs the door and till i feel hungry:)

Amma is the one who made me like this, Perfection is her pet word and rules are her passion and i am scared i will become like her,i want to break rules, for once, i never did that in school or neither in college:( I wish i could do it now, i know this is my last chance. When i have my kids, it would be my turn to preach them:)

The day is good, bright sunlight creeping through the orange curtains and loud music, loads of flowers in the balcony, the sparrows on the balcony grills and i am listening to "Chand taare ,thod laaon" from Yes boss. Anybody remembers the movie and incidentally today is SRK's birthday. Hmmm, any connection?

Oh, and i forgot, i am also having a big bowl of Icecream, choco almond blah blah blah something. And i just now finished watching Wake up sid. Now rest of the time will be spent at Farmville on facebook. Wow, seriously one day if you don't go to work there is so much to do. hmmm, but then because i work these small moments of stolen freedom seems so special, if i had to do all this everyday it looses its charm, isn't it.
So many precious lessons in life are learns in simple ways, small experiences teach us alot, just that we need to be alert at such times to understand the true meaning, learn it, accept it and apply it to life. Last week i learn one such lesson, "You cannot get everything in life, its a matter of choices" and thank god i made a right choice and god did give me the right gift when i was confused myself.
I learnt prayers do help, trust me, when we simply fold our hands and leaving besides our ego and frustrations and helplessness pray to him, prayers do work. Miracles do happen, I know they would, We dint give up, and we are on the road to recovery, thank god for small mercies and thank god for someone above who listens to us, to the prayers and to the helplessness in one's own capacity.

I love my life:) Have a good week people.

"Din aaye,Din jaye...

"Aao huzoor tumko sitaaro.n pe lechalu.n.. Dil doob jaaye aise, bahaaro.n mein lechaloo..." special program on O.P Nayyar and someone in the building chose to make us all hear the song late in the night. Saturday night is relaxing, more so when you know Sunday is just next morning:) I am waiting...Summer is knocking the doors and i am preparing for the arrival. Sunday is a beautiful day, seriously, i love the kind of contended afternoon silence which fills the atmosphere in our building.

The afternoon sun tries to filter through the curtains and i like the play of the gentle breeze and the sun on my bright orange curtains. Orange every where, the hibiscus is saying hello, Letting me know the summer is almost here.

am looking forward for summer holidays, i know its a good two months before i can really enjoy them but then nothing wrong in waiting for them, and while i do so Mohit chauhan is enjoying "Masakkali..." from Delhi 6, the guy is not just singling it but enjoying it too, Nothing like having a song re vibrate through the silence of the silent afternoon.

Newspapers on the bed, lazy breakfast sessions and laughter flowing with the cups of coffee enjoyed with friends makes it all satisfying.

Husband looks out of the newspaper and makes a statement.." Recession everywhere.. what if?"Hmmm, big question, what if? I am not god but i won't let the negative pessimism creep into me, Recession might take away my bank balances or the house or the job, but it wont take away myhappiness. Easy isn't it.. I asked him.we cannot be scared, we are not made to be scared, both of us saw bitterness early in life, the highs and lows, nothing new, Ek aur sahi, kyun?

The smile is back on his face..." hmmm, if not here we will go back to our village" Laughter boomed the room, yeah, village, which he went when he was a kid, some 25yrs back, where they grow paddy, wheat, chilli, sweet lemons, sugarcane, which we get loads into our tiny flat whenever someone comes from village to this concrete jungle.We will go, i assure him, will we be able to adjust there? Now i know the questions won't stop. God gave us imagination and we use it wildly.

"You pray every day? don't you" I ask him. I do.. then from tomorrow tell him to give you strength to adjust anywhere, in whatever circumstances, with anyone, any kind of life but let there be smile and happiness.

"Does he listen?" Well, he does, doesn't he? If not then every morning we wouldn smile silly for simple reasons. hmmm, you are right" Well, i am.

Because that's what helps me to go ahead in life, whenever there are tears i wait for my turn to smile, when there is a battle lost i try to make it up with a win the next time, when there are clouds of sadness, i search for a silverline which makes it worth living, When there is pain i wait for it to go. and then the smiles will be back, in one or the other way, The doors are closed but the lights of happiness will still creep in, in one or the other way, i am biggest example, trust me, Don't give up:)

I went back to my sunday silence, i want to soak up in the silence, in the warmth of the sun, let the floor tiles glow in the sunlight and the evening takes over before i switch on the lights, light up the lamp, Close the windows and doors, draw the curtains close, turn on the mosquito mats, prepare for the dinner, mentally getting ready for the crazy monday and the week ahead.
Life is so busy:( but well, who said we cannot make the most of it, I can, I do and I will, that's what keeps me going, enjoying the moment, making it look big, making it special, making it wonderful, the dull silent sober Sunday afternoon looks to me exotic, wonderful, filled with happiness:) Well, its all in the way we think and feel. I feel beautiful, So do you:) Don't you? Have a happy week........ Keep singing "Sawan ki ghata chhayi, yeh dekh ke dil jhooma.. lee pyar ne angdayi , deewaana hua badal" (Mohd. Rafi}

Yes, O.P.Nayyar is one of the best music directors Indian cinema can remember forever.

"Bekaar ki baatein"

Why do you have to be upset? Why do you need that mask to cover your feelings anytime? Why are you scared of showing that soft side of your emotions to people? Why do you have to talk to your blog and not to real people? Why are you so rigid? What makes you lock yourself in? Why don't you let anyone know your inner self?

How many questions, how many times i just avoid it, it hurts, its irritating and at times its comforting that you are trying to know me... But i never give you an answer, do i? Well, i just ended up giving the answer here, i still have no strength to answer the questions, its been more than three years but the wounds are still raw, It terribly hurts even today....... I wish i can speak about it.. but i won't.

I don't let anyone know about me, i never trust anyone and neither do i smile at anyone, never the first one to make a conversation, not a friendly person or not easy going......... I know all the terms by heart now but this is so much better than..........." Being walked all over by people just because you trust them, you smiled, you shared laughter, and they left the pain forever, you just wipe someone's tears and they take away your smile forever. The pain of being left alone, the pain of being laughed at, being mocked at just because you trusted..... dammit, the tears still flow, but dint i get over them? "The words still ring in my ears " I now Don't need you"

Now you know why i lock myself in? so that i am safe. Thank you for asking.

Pal

The first rose in our small balcony,A friend said she is glad i am continuing the tradition of having plants where ever i go, I don't know if i will do it so efficiently as mom does, but then for 20years i lived with almost a 100 plants, trees and flowers, throughout the year there were some or the other flowers for puja and some or the other fruit in the house, but now this is all i can do, have a few plants and creepers in my small balcony,
whenever i look at the small area i miss home,but then i remind myself that this is my house, and i cheer up and make more plans, i am going to Hyderabad, to bring ( the special andhra mango pickle} ,coconuts from the garden, guavas ,spices, sweets and then bring a Tulasi, my neighbor offered one but i want to bring it from there, a few memories of how 15yrs back we brought a small tulasi for daily puja and now its a big bush and amma always gives it people who buy a new house and i want to take from her now, for me, with all good wishes.

Yesterday a blog mate suggested we go to Mangalore for a trip as i like temples...I wondered if it is so.How did he conclude i like temples, How much do people know about me just by reading this blog, I like the morning silence,i like the sunrise while entering into the temple,i like to watch people who come there, looking around the peaceful atmosphere makes me calm and soothes me of all the pain, the incence sticks,the dhoopam, the lights and the fresh flowers, Morning glory at its best, what else can i ask god for, so i just fold my hands and stare at him, Nothing more.

Wishes will always be there, but if everything is fulfilled then life gets boring. So my wish is not fulfilled and the wait continues..

Sunday mornings are always beautiful, I mean there are always other holidays, there is a Saturday also but nothing like a Sunday, and we just sit here and read newspapers, sip the coffee and catch up with family and friends and then just staring into the sky from there and talk, simple but my way of unwinding, just staying at home is the best wish i can ask for.

Back to work in a few days again, I don't want to go back and i am surprised, i don't want to work, i want to stay at home, well, certain wishes will remain as wishes forever...or for a long time, Don't they?

Ushaji completed 500 posts and what a journey it has been,I don't remember from when i am reading her blog but she is one blogger who is been a kind of role model,i want to be like her when i reach her age, have a kind of thinking she has,And be gentle as she is and its only she who could have created such an ageless bonding in this virtual world,
Its great to know you here ushaji, keep blogging and keep rocking. And a simple thank you for being what and how you are,And this picture of my favorite kid in this world is for you, and if you see it clearly you can find one more kid of mine too hiding at the back, hope this brings a smile to your face and you are my "Happy Blogger" Yes, that's the title for you,whatever you write, there is a sense of happiness in your words:) Congratulations on 500, waiting for the 1000th post .

Yes,i am back, Officially, in the new house, my house, sitting in the balcony and watching the little rain drops forming beautiful tiny droplets and listening to "sili hawaa choogayi.."
God, i have a wish, and i am hoping that i will soon get it,Will you grant my wish?

Sweet Home

Edited to Add:) I will be back in another week,i am able to read all the blog from my phone but not able to comment and i will get back my connection in another weeks time..so stay tuned. and thank you for the mails, i will be back soon.

It just came out while talking to a friend "You are talking about getting attached to a person, someone who can think, feel and reciprocate, I realized yesterday that i am attached to this house which cannot express anything also" and now when i think of it i know how it feels, Just 14 months back i walked into this house, empty, as if waiting for us to complete it, i started my journey of knowing a city, knowing a new person, a new job, new lifestyle and new everything from this house, The walls saw us laughing, fighting, saw the silence, the tears and the growing attachment and then we are leaving,
I don't know why i am feeling so empty, i just don't know why i am feeling so sad leaving this house, i always kept cribbing that there is no balcony, that there are no neighbors to talk to, that there is no enough light and that i cannot look at the sky and now we are moving into our House.

home sweet home, which we bought with our own money, for which we saved,we planned,we compromised and then the day the priest said its auspicious time and that we can enter into the house we felt nervous,so many people around and so many rituals and we both were standing there, held our hands and walked in,into every room, soaking in the feeling,as if we were asking the walls to recognize us,as if we were making acquaintances,we are excited,of shifting there now, where i don't need to worry if a lock is not working or if the paint is coming off or if the shower broke,i am not answerable to the owner,i don't need to be cautious and most of all,its my house,the one which i always dreamed of.

But then i don't know why i am feeling sad about leaving, it just doesn't go away,the feeling of emptiness, i feel as if i am loosing a part of me, why so much attachment to a house? to a rented house? to something which i don't own?
Strange, when people are redefining or finding the reasons or logics and answers to the relations with parents, love and friends in this world i am worried about leaving a rent house, but then thats how i am, and i am just fine as i am.
Tomorrow by this time i will be sorting things in our house, i will be away from blog world for sometime,till i get a net connection there. Will miss this place,well,not many come here now, but those who do, i will be back soon.

..........Yeh Mulaaqat..........

"kasak uthi mere mann mein piya, mujhe gale lagaale ,gale lagaalein, jiya dhadkaalein, sapno ke apne sajaale,piya piya o re piya, jiya o re jiya ,tu meri jindagi jahaan tu mera mann wahaan,duniya se kya waasta, tu hi mera saara jahaan tu" What a beautiful rendering and what surprises me is the voice is of Anand Raj Anand.Been listening to the same song past two days. Yup its been two days since the famous and exciting and ever waiting summer vacation started and at last i have a real break after one year. And what a way to start the vacation,on the last day i wished all my colleagues a happy vacation and got into auto and happily singing away and with the widest and brightest of smile headed home,Auto driver had different ideas for me,he just broke a traffic signal and in a hurry to cross over banged into a Maruti car,wow,superb way to start the vacation.
No,i dint break any hand or leg or even my head but I almost broke my back,so three days all i did was to get different X rays and taking different sized and shaped pills to kill the pain and to the rub the salt on the wound an unsuspecting and innocent soul sent me an sms at 10pm saying Hi,i know you must be having a rocking time" Well.....indeed rocking:((
Last year I wrote a post and he added his version. But this year i myself have no interest to write or to celebrate{too busy with the new house} but then its one occasion which sure changed my life,forever. Its been two years, two years since i got married and well we both are still sane and together, May 7th,7am,2006. :) Ye mulaaqat ek bahaana hain,pyar ka silsila purana hain...main hoon apni sanam ki bahoon mein,mere kadmon thale zamaana hain" Happy wedding anniversary Husband:)
I did not update the blog for various reasons past one month, like having a House warming ceremony and the house being filled with relatives of all sorts and being under the same roof with MIL and Mom for a week, and the biggest news is that there was nothing to write,i just dint feel like writing anything,I still read all the blogs,daily,but then writing a post was difficult and i just let it be.At least this is the only place where i can follow my heart and be myself,so i will write when the thoughts flow and the words form into a shape.
100th post, When i wrote at Akruti there were 267 posts by the time i closed it in about two and half years.When i started writing again i dint even know if i would continue but i did,and its been two and half years and a 100 posts today. And i know i won't stop writing ,Lots to say,lots to share and the blog will stay. People come and people go,but those few who still come here,read through,smile,feel,comment and sometimes silent,known or unknown,thanks to all of you,Alapana is here to stay.

Jai Mangala Murti

Certain feelings,some days,a few moments can never be portrayed in words,I wish i can capture the fragrance which is still lingering around the house and keep it with me forever,the smell of chandan,flowers,fresh fruits,sweets,coconuts,mango leaves,haldi,kumkum and the lamps glowing forcing the darkness to give way to the light in the heart,forcing away all fears and being a part of the moment,praying silently knowing that i am not alone who is feeling it all,knowing that you are with me makes it all so fulfilling.Thank you god,for everything i got in life and thank you for something which i lost,i am a better person today.

Ashayein-4

Birthday came and went,Old by another one Year which is just fine:) A few remembered,Called up, wished and lot many forgot,the people whom i worked with for 8years forgot and the people whom i called friends and gave space in my life and in this blog too forgot and a few whom i thought will sure forget remembered:) and they surprised,with wishes and calls and i ended up with smiles,.New city and nil friends,new work place and the thought that first time mom won't be there to wish me first in the morning {yeah,we are not so big about 12am wishes}..coupled with severe cold and too much of work i wasn't keen about birthday:) Went to work as usual and had a good time,Not bad to celebrate birthday with new colleagues,they were sweet enough to indulge me with lot of words and wishes:) Reached home,still something missing, knocked the door and when someone opened it i was screaming at top of my lungs and sure someone with a faint heart would have lost it.I still have no idea if i was laughing or crying but hubby says i did both.Yes,My mom was here,it was supposed to be a surprise,husband and brother and planned it.,I would never again say i hate surprises. Just her presence made so much difference and i am not angry with people who forgot,the people who just left it behind,or maybe nothing to do with her presence,Its time i realized too that priorities change,people change and so did I and we all moved on with our life's and all are happy in their own way,

changing some things, moving ahead of some friendships and leaving behind a unwanted relationship did good to me,and i just thank god for what has been given and no regrets for what i have lost,it was meant to be and i accept it:) I am happy in my small world with a few complaints and tears but it all vanishes with the love and the smiles and joy which spreads along.

It was truly a Happy Birthday and if i missed the rush,fun,hoards of friends,100's of sms and calls and loads of gifts and how 24hrs were never enough to meet them all I was also happy being content and calm,spending leisurely time with the two people whom i love and need the most, When i remembered that more or less past 15yrs she just waited for me to reach home,from friends,parties,college,she was the first person and last one too to wish me on this day,but rest i never spent time with her,i was busy and this time i made no mistakes, letting her oil my hair,talking about my wedding last year,gossiping about the relatives and yes,after one year of the wedding we both finally found time to talk about the food served and the silk sarees and gold worn by many and about the new designs and what not. First time again had home cooked food on my birthday,so long its been since i did that,
everything was different but every moment was precious,Every moment was filled with content,smiles and the feel that a new beginning has been made,I now know that the pace has slowed down but the moment has been just right and i am Happy,That matters,Isn't it?

i remembered this song.."aao tumhe chand pe lejaaye,pyar bhare sapne sajaaye,chota sa bangla banaaye,ek nayi duniya basaaye,aao tumhe chand pe lejaaye..."

Change

Picture : The view from our third floor.

Read it somewhere...........

“As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.”

I had a doubt,are there people who still read this blog???? Hope so,Strange,how at one time i had all the time to spend it in front of this blog and now i have all the reasons for not being here,Did i change or it happens with everyone??? Is change really constant? I want to be regular here,i wish and hope to be back:)

With Love-From Hyderabad:)

Welcome,our gates are always open for you
and we wait with flowers any time:)

Knock knock,Anybody home;p

This is my favorite spot any day,
love sitting here and watching all those birds in the garden.

My favorite{70yrs} araam chair which has my
grandfather's name scribbled on to it.

Wow,wow and big woooooooooooooooow;p

We occupy the roadside also and plant trees,
wish i can see the road but nope:)

Mummy,Yummieee coconuts, nariyal pani in hot
summer afternoons is free in this house:)

Whats up buddy,you came for a day and all
i see is that you are damn busy with that camera.

Ok Lady,Lets get over with this and then i want
to come inside the house,No matter what!!!

Oh God,Will you stop clicking now,
we are kind of tired of giving those poses;p

If you are stubborn so am I,
Let me take a nap in your favorite almost 90yr
old chair your nani gifted to you,now stop frowning,
you know i love this chair,
be good and let me own it as always:)

god,you are impossible,forget it lady,i have all
my eyes on that butterfly over there,
how dare she is entering my territory;p

If god ever asked me if i wanted any changes in my little world i would say NO:) Life is beautiful with love,music and memories " hasthe hathe,katjaaye rasthe,zindagi yunhi chalthi rahe,kushi mile ya ghum,badlenge na hum,zindagi chahe badalthi rahe"

And then one day....

Its so strange how the simple experiences of life teach you the most invaluable lessons of life,thank god for them:) I am at home all the day,i have always said from the time i came to this city that i will go back if i don't find a job,luckily i am on vacation,i am still holding on to my job in Hyd,Did i try?No,maybe because i never trusted enough about myself,i trusted others and after working for 7yrs at one place i guess i lost that spirit of searching,trying or getting something with a vengeance,i was too much of myself in a comfort zone,with out even trying i said I lost, depressed and was almost in tears.
Someone knocked the door ,windows clad with curtains,doors closed and me busy with my laptop,TV,music as always went to open the door,and surprised to see hubby completely drenched and then i realized it was raining,I was angry,frustrated,
How could i not know it was raining?How could i not know,Me,who loves the rain like mad,i was cursing and murmuring to myself,cursing that this city of walls is no fun,that there is no open sky to watch over,that there is no open space,I just was going on"how could i not know????" and i hear this one line from him "Because you chose not to hear or know anything about it,You closed yourself and you chose to lock yourself here my dear,try going out,you will feel fine,give it a try " I dont know if it were only for the rain or for my attitude of not trying but it did hit at the right spot।
With in two hours i was seen busy posting my cv and getting an interview call and the next day saw me travelling alone,rejecting a recommendation from a well wisher,and by afternoon i gave a call to my mom and then to my hubby "I GOT THE JOB,Yes,the first one i applied for and the first interview i attended and the first demo i have given got me a job,Yes,this is my first sincere attempt with out taking any suggestions or with out trusting any false promises and i got it on my own,Yes,again as a teacher in one of the very good colleges in this city, and i loved every moment of the experience,
and then while i was waiting there came hubby,I am proud of you was the only line i heard from him and it reminded me of mom, thank god for these two people in my life,they are always there to make me walk straight when i am loosing my path.
And yes, it did rain again that day,and i got drenched totally and all my certificates got wet,and i almost lost my wrist watch,something which i am wearing past 13years,yes,13yrs but it is still working after all that soaking wet in rain:) and poor hubby was trying so hard to save his laptop from rain,and while coming back i was still humming the same song which i started in the morning "aashaayein khile dil ki,ummeedein hase dil ki,ab mushkil nahi kutch bhi,nahi kutch bhi kutch aaisa karke dikha,khud khush ho jaaye khuda,aashaayen khile dil ki"


चीनी कम हैं,चीनी कम हैं,थोड़ी थोड़ी तुझमें हैं क़ुम, सुनले कभी कहती हैं क्या,दिल कि सदा, दर्द जाता हैं मुस्कुराके, देखले देखले आज्माके ...

The Tumka & The Tumki

His Version

Exactly an year back i lost all my independence and thats when i realised that i am now happy married,i am a married man:( She wont let me forget that even in my sleep. I am feeling so sleepy but still wanted to say this,Now that we both completed one year i am going to give a name to ourself, yes,a new name,when she can rip me away with all her jokes on me at this blog let me also take this opportunity and share this name with you all. Ladies and gentleman,presenting to you the Tumka {thats me} and the Tumki {thats her}
Why why why? she keeps asking me, Hmmm,i will tell you all even before you start,now the tumka and the tumki are two lazy people who stay at home most of the time when they are not in the office and just keep talking {she talks and i listen} and they never bother to go out,socialize,meet friends or explore the new city,they have no interest in the latest fashion statements,they both love watching comedy movies and can laugh aloud while sharing an orange or a banana or some groundnuts {how boring na,they are too lazy to get popcorn also} They prefer simple music and love reading their newspaper on every sunday morning sharing it and tumki cooks well and she did start a new blog also for that:))) so no chance of going out to the only restaurant which they used to visit often{even the waiters there are bored of them now:(
and they can think of food whenever they feel bored,yes,they can always think of food,they both are like small size errrrrrrr or,large size {hmmm,lets settle for medium} size round pumpkins,golgappas, potatos or whatever comes to ur mind, they love to climb on to their bechara kinetic Activa and go to reliance fresh or foodworld which is just half a km from their house and have fun in the name of shopping {oh,never mind even if it is called grocery shopping} they hardly go out on a vacation,past one yr all they did was to plan and while the word execution come they excuse themselves and postpone the plans
All they have in their life right now is few friends {whom we blatantly ignore and do not meet but they still love us} and a street dog which she adopted and feeds promptly even before she realises that there is a husband who is hungry:(((( Sigh!!!!! that dog dosn't even give bhaav to me:( Now you know why i say the Tumka and the Tumki,it suits, isn't it:D
Now i hope all your doubts are cleared and i am sure now no one will ask us "what are your plans for today {huh,even that doctor whom we met today had the same question,huh:(

By the way i am supposed to say "Happy wedding anniversary wife" {Oh,i don't want to say first,because it reminds me that i just completed only one year of my life long imprisonment} And now i am rushing off from here before those chappal and jaadoo and paperweight lands on me,runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn:)


My version of shaadi ki saalgirah
A year back exactly on this day i was awake at this hour,the house was filled with people, flowers and lights and bangles ,puja,mehandi, silk sarees, glittering gold,sweets and laughter around, but still there was a strange silence in my room,i was still wondering if it were all true? Was i really getting married? but why and how? i mean why would someone want to stay with me forever? why would someone share his life with me? The answers which were not known and in midst of all the confusion at 7am, we both got married, not once did you look at me and all the time i was looking at you "Why is he taking all this trouble to marry me?? Me out of all the people?? huh,strange man and i smiled to myself.

Dear hubby,exactly one year and on this day of our first wedding anniversary i am sitting by the window and typing away while you are happily dreaming away in the wonderland of sleep,Its so peaceful and silent,i cannot sleep but today i have no questions or confusions,i dont need any answers,All i know is that we were destined to be with each other and both of us are trying our best to feel it all for life,i know we will be happy, Happy first wedding anniversary dear husband,you mean a world to me today and forever:)

"Ye dil aur unki nigahon ke saaye

"Ye mulaaqat ek bahaana hain,pyar ka silsila purana hain...main hoon apni sanam ki bahoon mein,mere kadmon thale zamaana hain.."listening to this song at 7am makes me feel great.

Lost in the world of thoughts i just kept scribbling in the silence of the morning,not many sounds except for the songs..
"ishaaro ishaaro mein dil lene waale bataa ye hunar tune sikhaa kahaa se,nigaaho nigaaho mein jaadoo chalanaa,meree jaan sikhaa hain tum ne jahaa se"
all the wonderful songs early in the morning,i love early mornings because of music and....... And? there came a smile,was it not long long back when it was only music and the diary,Diary????

oh,the one which i always kept writing early in the mornings or late in the nights,i love both,watching the sun rays entering my room,the roses in the garden,the freshly drenched earth in the dew and the late nights when all i had was music and the wind chimes and the breeze touching my cheeks while i just kept writing,whatever,i felt, anger, frustration, smiles, pain or just a line portraying my love.
It was a small world,friends,family,studies and dreams,of a better tomorrow,thats it,I have come a long way,haven't we all?
Today when i look back i just smile at that innocent little girl full of dreams,where did she go? today after heart breaks and frustrations,failures and success and cut throat competition and jealousy and winning a lot and loosing a few am i better than that innocent girl? Sometimes i feel i am not,i wish to go back,but then life is always about walking into a tomorrow,isn't it:)Not that i don't love my today but then i miss my yesterday.

"Almost an year" Reminded the date on the calender and he says "Already? was it not only a few months back?" Yes dear,it was few=11months back and in a months time we will be celebrating the First wedding anniversary"
Life has been good,well,sort of Khatta meeta {was watching this extremely wonderful and lovely movie by Basu chatterji} and the song "thoda hain,thode ki zarrorat hain,zindagi fir bhi yehan khoobsoorat hain"
Dates form an important reminder of those wonderful time gone by,and Dairies also are a part of that to me,was searching for a particular entry and found this diary of 2006,the year when life took a U turn and changed everything,brought so many changes and the scribbles there made me nostalgic.

March19th when i met you for the first time,March26th when the wedding was confirmed,April 12th when we got engaged:) dates they are all now,but with a thin thread of memories which hang around my world forever.they are not only dates now,they are the links to my yesterday,to such memories which will remind me to smile and be thankful to god for what is given to me,to us.

How do you feel?are you happy? why can't i see it?

"Not all happiness need to be shown,or reacted up on,this is beyond a humanly reaction for me,a feeling of complete bliss,it can just be felt but maynot be expressed" True,no amount of words can ever say what this one year was like,how it was to be with you,Sometimes silence says it all

"aao huzoor tumko sitaaron mein le chalun, dil jhoom jaaye aisi bahaaron mein le chalun,aao huzoor aao"

And then goes the other favourite of mine"ye dil aur unki,nigahon ke saaye,ye dil aur unki nigahon ke saaye,mujhe gher lethi ye baahon ke saaye........."

The world of music and memories and those unspoken words of promise of a better tomorrow,Life is beautiful:)

Say no to Helplessness,Fight back.

I spoke about it last year too and i am ready to do it again,i am Talking about Blank Noise Project,How did you retaliate? being helpless wont help you,and as i always said,dont be a victim,no one has a right to do anything to you,fight back and in whatever way you can,protest and it sure helps.

January 2007,i was walking back from the college where i had gone for a guest lecture,Auto strike and my house was two km away,a narrow lane in Mehadipatnam,Hyderabad and being new to those lanes i asked help from a stranger who was fiddling with his phone standing with his bike at the pavement.
all i wanted to know was if that particular lane leads to VijayNagar colony and he said yes and even while i thanked him and started walking away he offered me a lift which i rejected only to realize that he is following me and kept pestering and the lane was all quite in the mid afternoon and there was a huge MCH park to one side and a building at construction to other side,and when i yelled at him and tried walking away he just cut my path with his bike and held my hand and in a few sec my mobile fell down and so did my handbag,and i just punched on his face,
Yes,i did and even when he lost his balance and fell down along with the bike i just walked around and hit him hard on his face and he did try hurting me and by then a few people passing through the lane stopped and tried beating him up and the Bastard had the guts to say that he was innocent and was only trying to help me,by then someone called the police and half an hour later i walked back home all the way.
Called hubby who was in some other city and he was shell shocked and took the next flight to be home in three hours only to see me sleeping sound.
Why was i not scared? asked him.Was i not? ofcourse i was,but then i know not to be a victim,i learnt it as a kid and i follow it till i live,for him it was a first instance where a women had to handle such a situation,his family is protective about daughters and mostly women are escorted when going out and many of them stay home {what a luxury} but for me this is how i survived my childhood or college days.

I had no choice,my mom couldn accompany me for my morning 5am classes or night 10pm home coming in a bus,i had to walk back a km daily to reach home,and being a single parent is not an easy job,and she did her best,she gave me one line which i follow till date "fight but never giveup without trying,you can always help yourself,just try" and i do.I do wish i had my father to drop me at college,bring me back from classes,escort me to picnics and movies,but i learnt living on my own and fighting back eve teasing or those good for nothing idiots on roads which think women are a commodity.
Hubby said "i am proud of you" oh,thankyou,so am I. and amma said "Thank god it was you at that moment,what would happen if it were someone who dint know how to fight back?" I hope not,yes,even i think i thanked god for a moment that it happened to me instead of someone who could have been helpless,but i wish and hope there were no helpless victims.
I tell my students also,tears will never solve any problem in this world and there is no problem without a solution either,dont stop yourself from doing things just because you are worried about the big bad world outside,being secure is good,enjoy it while it lasts,but when it comes to surviving on your own be ready to do so,Help yourself and the world will salute you,more than anything you will understand your own worth"
Happy women's day world,I am proud to be a woman and when i have a daughter i will tell her how precious it is to be a woman.

zindagi haseen hain

I want to be there,where dreams turn to reality,where the sea and sky embrace and whisper their love for eachother,at that moment i want to stand on the shores,holding your hand and let the silence speak,Life is tough,but with you around,solutions always come to me easily,Thankyou for being there.

This is one of my very favourite album and the combination of Gulzar and RD makes it even more special,and feels great to start your day with the song.........

"katraa katraa milthi hai, katraa katraa jeene do, zindagii hai, bahne do~~~~~
pyaasi hoon main pyasi rehne do,rehne do naaaaa,
tumne to aakash bichhaya,mere nange pairo main zameen hai,
dekhe to tumhaari aarzoo hai,,shayad aisi zindagi haseen hai,
aarzoo main bahne do,pyaasi hoon main pyaasi rehne do

halke halke kohre ke dhue mein,shayad aasman tak aagayi hoon,
teri do nigaho ke sahaare dekho tho kahaatha aagayi hoon,
kohre mein behne do,pyasi hoon mein pyasi rehne do

Me:What gift did you get me from there" {all excited and searching his airbag}

Hubby: Hmmm,errrrr,hmmm

Me:What??? you forgot,isn't it,so mean of you" {all th while ignoring a small box without any giftwrap in one corner of the bag.I walk off:( }

After 5 min he called me into the hall where he is all beaming and i notice a small porcelain gift,a girl and guy in a dancing pose and then i looked at him blank,he smiled and he connected a plug into the socket and turned on the switch and there started a small water fountain in there,oh,i understood,the girl was standing in a lotus,he was looking at me and i was looking at the "Eight wonder of the world"

Hubby:Did you like it" Me:Errr,hmmm, what made you bring me this?

Hubby:You like water,dont u?

Me:water!!!!!!!! oh,that {i told him i love sea,rivers and ponds and beaches but fountains?????" and that too as a gift????
And it reminds me of a gift i would give to a ten year old girl and i am not one.

Hubby: Oh,i though your are one,atleast you remind me one:)
What???? Huh,men !@#$%$#@!

Well,not bad that way,atleast he rememberd i like WATER:( in past eight months i got two stuffed dogs,{ He remembered i love pets} one parker pen,{i collect pens}a laptop{wanted me to finish my phd},a pendrive{so that i dont waste his cd's and dvd's} and now this.
Will i ever get something feminine? and he asked "Why do YOU need a feminine gift,thats for someone ....." Sigh,hope next week when he comes he wont bring something which reminds me of a 5yr kid:(indai

But dear hubby,if you are reading this,you know it very well that i love the way you are,dont change:D

Pic courtesy:Deviant art.
Album :Gulzar remembers Pancham.

Bas Yun Hi

Hectic week well spent with people whom i care for and who love me the most and i am back with more news:) Sankranti was spent with family and loads of food and lot of travelling and there were a few moments which i want to erase from my memory and try not to repeat it ever again and i hope to follow a few rules made by me and i want to control my anger and frustration,why can't i just hold on for a few more minutes? why do i have to raise my voice or get it out of the system what ever the reaction is? Well,thats how i am,no acting or no diplomacy,no nonsense and i end up in trouble most of the times:)
There would be new collegues in the dept from tomorrow onwards,i wouldn say i am looking forward to the changes but hope things would be as fine as they are now.
Too many questions in my head and i have no answers to any of them;p

I want to learn French,and i am still not able to figure out WHY?

I am watching the baap of all the serials "BIGBOSS" on Sony entertainment and am thoroughly entertained every day 10pm to 11pm.No answers to "HOW"

I know i am soon leaving this city but the question is "WHEN" and i have no idea.

And i want to run away,elope now with dear hubby,kidnap him away from his workholic schedule,now the point is to "WHERE"

Do you want to watch Mithun chakravarthy the performer,Not Abhishek but Gurukanth Desai and excellent cinematography by Rajeev menon,and above all a good movie by Maniratnam,go watch GURU people,excellent movie and i thoroughly enjoyed it first day last show;p though i am not much convinced about the ending of the movie its a great entertainer with a message,Dare to dream,dare to make them real and also it was one of the most enjoyed evening of my 8 months married life,a movie with hubby and two of my best friends K & S and long drive home at mid night bugging hubby till he got me the long due icecream,while he was busy driving i was busy eating:)

Me :Why dont you drive faaaaaaaaaaaaast,overtake that vehicle in front"
Hubby: Well,with you behind the bike wont go beyond this speed"

Me: You mean i am plump? you are talking about my weight,mean fellow,i hate you"
Hubby: Errrr,i am only saying its not safe driving so fast with you behind"
Yeah right@#$%@#@$%@ huh,men! ! ! !

Was listening to this song today,missing you dear hubby,wish i can join you in the new place at this moment,but well,just a matter of two months:) till then enjoy your independence;p

Na jaane kyon, hota hai yeh zindagi ke saath
achanak ye man
kisi ke jaane ke baad, kare phir usiki yaad
chhoti chhoti si baat, na jaane kyon
vo anjaan pal,Dhal gaye kal, aaj vo
rang badal badal, man ko machal machal rahen,
na chal na jaane kyon, vo anjaan pal
tere bina mere nainon me
Toote re haay re sapanon ke mahal
na jaane kyon, hota hai yeh zindagi ke saath ..

VariousMoods

Do you want to watch Mithun chakravarthy the performer,Not Abhishek but Gurukanth Desai and excellent cinematography by Rajeev menon,and above all a good movie by Maniratnam,go watch GURU people,excellent movie and i thoroughly enjoyed it first day last show;p though i am not much convinced about the ending of the movie its a great entertainer with a message,Dare to dream,dare to make them real and also it was one of the most enjoyed evening of my 8 months married life,a movie with hubby and two of my best friends K & S and long drive home at mid night bugging hubby till he got me the long due icecream,while he was busy driving i was busy eating:)

Me :Why dont you drive faaaaaaaaaaaaast,overtake that vehicle in front"

Hubby: Well,with you behind the bike wont go beyond this speed"

Me: You mean i am plump? you are talking about my weight,mean fellow,i hate you"

Hubby: Errrr,i am only saying its not safe driving so fast with you behind"
huh,men! ! ! !

These two are the most important members of our family,Sometimes i wonder how it would have been had they used words to express their thoughts,what do they think of us? what do they feel about me?Their eyes say it all,and they fondly lick my face while i am sleeping,if i am crying they come and touch my hand,the moment i enter the house they bark and bark till i give them a big hug,they mob me and they keep searching my bag to see what i got them to eat.
Raja likes samosas and mirchibajji and all that we humans shall eat,he states it clearly through his actions that he is also a human,he hates fellow dogs,and he would sleep only on the bed,on the chair he sits and he relaxes on the diwan,He makes sure we know clearly about his rights and keeps reminding about our dutues towards him:)

and Sandy is the mild one,well,one look at his eyes and whole world will curse our family that we might be torturing him,dont give him food and that he is facing it all humiliation with silence,well,his eyes are always sad but he is the most pampered and the kid of the house,He needs mom all the time, he follows her religiously where ever she goes, today when i look back past few years of this house i know we laughed more and smiled more because of them,we bonded more as a family because of them,we forgot egos because of them,we felt more secure because of them, this is for you both my dear kiddos,you make our existence complete:) keep rocking.

Ek roj zindagi ke ru baru aa baithe

"Ek roj zindagi ke ru-baru aa baithe...
Zindagi ne poocha..dard kya hai..? Kyun hota hai..?
Kahan hota hai, yeh bhi toh pata nahi chalta....
Tanhai kya hai aakhir...?
Kitne log toh hain...fir tanha kyun ho...?
Mera chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha...
main tumhari judwa hun...mujhse naaraz na hua karo...!!
Film--Masoom.
Pic courtesy:Deviant art

Got a two line mail from a stranger today, a line in there goes something like "I dont know what the feeling is,but i really dont want to know it" It happens so many times isnt it,Not everything can be expressed in words,Not everything can have logics in life,no reasons needed,it just happens,and let it be what it is,a formless,wordless Expression,No nouns or verbs matter there,Language wouldn be a hinderance,feel it,its expressed,oh,very well expressed,but can you feel it? I can,I do,thats why Expressions of Silence do matter to me.

A smile at a stranger,a thankyou mumbled silently at a simple gesture which goes unheard, a silent prayer at the temple with no particular wish, a walk through the lanes where i grew up, an awkward hello to a neighbour whim i knew for more than 20yrs now,sitting in the kitchen varandah with the plate of Uttappam and coconut chutney early morning counting those red roses and coconuts in the garden,
mom fussing over me as if i have been away from her all my life,pampering which i never needed or was not given much when i was growing up here mostly because it was dicipline at that time,sitting in once up on my bedroom with mom,bro and my two fur brats and dozing off only to be awaken by the windchimes playing a soothing music,
talking about all the changes which took place in the house from last eight months,from the time i left this house to make my own sweet home,Whole day was spent in talking,i was giving her suggestions on how to maintain kitchen,yeah,I was telling her who managed everything single handedly all her life,New found independence of doing everything my way surely got on to my head i guess,but she was not annoyed,she was smiling and she said she will tryout,sarees,gold to promotions and new recipies,gossip and music,everything was to be shared,and there was so little time,Mom missed her afternoon nap.

I know she is trying to make most of the time i am giving her,i felt guilt building up in my heart,She who gave us all her life today craves for our time,did i get so busy with my life that now i count time in hours and min when i am with her?

And when the time came to leave she was still searching for and packing things she was storing for me all these days 'that small flower basket which she wanted to give me,those sweets she made,that shawl she brought from Mussorie,"but mom,i dont like sweets, i wont use this shawl" I cut the words before they came out.

I will taste those sweets which she packed in a small steel tiffin box,i will use that shawl which has embroidary on it,i will use the basket on my dining table,and i will use all her love as my strength and start a new life at a new place soon,I know she will be happy when she knows i am happy in my little world.

But in all this i wanted to say something to her,i wanted to hug her,but both of us are not used to expressing our affection on face,i wish i could,Everyone says i am good with words,but today when i had to say it to her i was silent,I just waved at her and smiled,she was standing there till she could catch a glimpse of me while i travelled back to my own life,But mom i still want to say "I love you the most"