Sweet Home

Edited to Add:) I will be back in another week,i am able to read all the blog from my phone but not able to comment and i will get back my connection in another weeks time..so stay tuned. and thank you for the mails, i will be back soon.

It just came out while talking to a friend "You are talking about getting attached to a person, someone who can think, feel and reciprocate, I realized yesterday that i am attached to this house which cannot express anything also" and now when i think of it i know how it feels, Just 14 months back i walked into this house, empty, as if waiting for us to complete it, i started my journey of knowing a city, knowing a new person, a new job, new lifestyle and new everything from this house, The walls saw us laughing, fighting, saw the silence, the tears and the growing attachment and then we are leaving,
I don't know why i am feeling so empty, i just don't know why i am feeling so sad leaving this house, i always kept cribbing that there is no balcony, that there are no neighbors to talk to, that there is no enough light and that i cannot look at the sky and now we are moving into our House.

home sweet home, which we bought with our own money, for which we saved,we planned,we compromised and then the day the priest said its auspicious time and that we can enter into the house we felt nervous,so many people around and so many rituals and we both were standing there, held our hands and walked in,into every room, soaking in the feeling,as if we were asking the walls to recognize us,as if we were making acquaintances,we are excited,of shifting there now, where i don't need to worry if a lock is not working or if the paint is coming off or if the shower broke,i am not answerable to the owner,i don't need to be cautious and most of all,its my house,the one which i always dreamed of.

But then i don't know why i am feeling sad about leaving, it just doesn't go away,the feeling of emptiness, i feel as if i am loosing a part of me, why so much attachment to a house? to a rented house? to something which i don't own?
Strange, when people are redefining or finding the reasons or logics and answers to the relations with parents, love and friends in this world i am worried about leaving a rent house, but then thats how i am, and i am just fine as i am.
Tomorrow by this time i will be sorting things in our house, i will be away from blog world for sometime,till i get a net connection there. Will miss this place,well,not many come here now, but those who do, i will be back soon.

"ye din jo aaye"

Its silent and it usually is,the apartments,the corridors and the surroundings are always silent here,all i can hear at times is doors being opened or closed, And today a friend asked how i am spending my vacation and i said "Eating,sleeping, movies and blogging" and she said "wow,sounds good" I just asked myself, does it really sound good?
Is this how vacation is spent,was it not different when i was a kid. When i dint have a mobile or internet or dvd player? It used to be fun when we finished the last day of exam and knowing how every friend is going to some place, nana nani or mausi's house.And i went to my village, that small village and there i had a smile, or laughter.when was the last time we all laughed out loud, screemed and ran, yes,when was the last time we ran and played without the fear of getting hurt and were covered in dust and sand and sweat but had no fear of hygiene?

When was the last time i woke up the sound of temple bells in the vishnu alayam and shivalayam in that small village,and then there were other sounds, the servants taking the tractors and bullock carts to the fields and someone sweeping the huge aangan and another putting rangoli and where we all cousins just there in the bed looking around,pulling and pushing each other, and then brushing our teeth with a neem stem, we ran to play, yeah,at six am we played, at the banks of the river flowing slowly,not much water there and we just jumped into it from the tree branches near by.No fear or no one to scold and someone walking on the bridge would recognize us "ha haa, Came from Hyderabad isn't it,how is your mom and which class are you in and my cousins would proudly announce it all"

Playing to the hearts content we went home, only when we realized we were hungry, took bath near the coconut tree where a huge tub made of cement had cold water in it and the hibiscus flowers falling from the near by branches,we would scream, fight and finish the bath and then sat in the kitchen, down,on the floor with peddamma serving idlis and loads of ghee and we gleefully tell her stories, she always thought we were thin and held mom responsible for it and we,we just glowed in her love and affection.

Play time again, paaleru or the servants are back from fields to take food for others and we follow them,two km,we just walk to the fields and there it was time for fun again, sitting on the buffaloes {yes,i did} and running in the sugarcane fields we drank coconut water and ate mangoes. scotching heat but it just dosn't make us feel bad,we are having fun and we did it wholeheartedly. came home for lunch and then the discipline starts, peddamma never allowed to play after lunch,she scolded always to sleep and we did sleep,under the huge banyan tree, with those folded beds and played,yes,we sang and we played with five stones or ashta chemma, pacchis and other games, me and my brother were the king and queen whom other children would treat as,we came from Hyderabad you see:)

and the evening arrives with such beauty, "godhulivela" A beautiful word in Telugu which means that time of the evening when all the cows are returning from the fields with bells ringing which are tied to their necks,and the dust raised from the walk tries to match with the red orange sunset over the water,the dust from that red and black clay mud, And there was a mile stone in front of the river and i stand there,kids jumping into the water from that bridge built over the river,it joins two sides of a village, the other side which i can see from this end,but to reach i need to either swim or walk on that bridge,the one which was built 70yrs back.
Time for dinner,Dinner,i smile,the image of very hot rice and mango pickle,ghee, sambhar and vadiyalu or papad as we call and then curd with rock salt and lemon pickle makes me so hungry.the lanterns are lit in all the rooms,the beds are being made outside the side varandah,white bedsheets and pillows and hand fan if it gets too hot,but its never hot in summer also.

jasmines and roses and hibiscus blooming allover and there are not many sounds now,the river looks serene,i keep watching the ripples and the moonlight falling on it and slowly fall asleep,i was not busy but still tired,i dint work much but still very hungry,i dint have a blog or TV but i still feel satisfied,i dint call anyone from my mobile,but i feel as if i chatted the whole day,I have had such a wonderful day,that day,sometime back,or was it long back when i was there?

"Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii.."

"..Pooche jo koi.."

There are times when you just don't feel like doing anything,well at 2am in the night there are very few choices you have but still, Thats the time when i just kept staring at the darkness with a song playing in the background. A song which never got a mention here at this blog.
But its been with me past two years, it was a ring tone and a caller tune on my phone and i had friends who kept calling on my phone just to listen to the song. I wanted to hate the song,I wanted to forget it, maybe because it brought back memories, of someone, of a time when everything looked so perfect and so beautiful, of those nights when I could hear a laughter, where there were promises,there were dreams and this song always played in the background,most of the times there was silence between two people but the song always played.

And one day everything ended, Anger took over, pain became a soul mate, hurt and left alone just wanted to erase memories, of the beauty, of the promises, of the laughter and i started deleting songs, tearing off the cards, throwing off the gifts, burning those pages from the diary, did everything,or did I? I deleted the song as my caller tune, as my ring tone, forgot the song or so i thought. But well, I tried erasing something which was etched in my heart forever, we can move on but forget anything, Still, I kept trying..
Memories come back to you in a flash of the moment, just like that,Isn't it? And tonight it just came back to me just like that,the song, the lyrics and made me wonder, do I hate the song? hate the memories? and somewhere the answer i knew came up to me, NO, i no longer hate anything, the song or the memories....they are a part of my living. Got back to the song, downloaded it but i am still trying to put it back as my caller tune, hope i can do so..
Sometimes simple things bring back such peace in life, maybe its time i made peace with a past which i left far away...... For now i am lost in the music, in the darkness of the night i just close my eyes and move into the distant land of dreams, drift away into the beauty....."Pooche jo koi,meri nishani,rang hina likhnaa,gore badan pe ungli se mera naam adaa likhna......."