???

I am trying to fight, fight everything which isn't easy, everything which makes me weak, which makes me give up but yet, there are times when i just want to give up. Am i wrong? I am holding on to a thin hope that one day things will be fine, but that's just too thin and the hope is giving away to despair, the smiles are fading away and the darkness sets in and its scary. I wish i can say more, i wish i can talk, i wish i can talk to friends but i am too proud to admit that i am loosing a battle, too proud to admit that i feel depressed. Ya,. depressed.Miss everything of the past, family, friends, life in Hyd, my way of living, my way of thinking, my way of fun, i miss it all. When did i change so much? when did i become so practical? when i did i become such a big loner? why did i push away everyone who cares? I wish i had answers. Just to remember that they do care, even today. I am holding on to a thin line of hope. One day, maybe one day i can share it all here. I am holding on.....

Ye mera ghar...

I heard a neighbor commenting that there is lot of pending work in our flat, lot more to do, she was surprised, work in progress sorts of... She said.

We never hired a interior designer when we bought this flat.we just had the work done with the help of the carpenters. Basics enough to live in comfort.

And one of my neighbor keeps claiming that all the 16 flat owners( 17th being me and 18th is she) in the building visited her flat to look at the architectural and designer wonder:))))) for which they spent more than 8lacs and she feels so sad for me that i have had no idea of lot of those costly designer wine glasses and bar counter and breakfast counters and those 14 different designer lamps which she has in the living area:))

But then i simply look at my Philips tube light and energy saving Philips lamp again in my hall and say sorry to them:( because i don't need to use any light in the mornings:) I am greeted with this sight:) Open the balcony door and the sunlight enters my home royally:) My whole house is filled with natural light, my bedrooms need thick curtains to curtail light when i don't need it at all. I never told her this but when i sat on my huge bean bag which was gifted recently by dear hubby to use it to contemplate over life i thought i need to write a post:)

We bought this flat in our second year of our marriage, With our savings and home loan, gold loan and just with what we earned in two years. We dint depend on our parents and we are quite proud of the achievement.
For me home is where there is loads of love, where there is peace and where i just can smile and be content. We ran around in search of it all and when we found one we were clear about one thing, we wanted a flat with lots and lots of sunlight, with lots of natural light and where i don't need to depend on the fans and AC for breathing fresh air. As i am typing this the cool breeze is making my bedroom curtains dance and the fans are as usual switched off. More than the designer kitchen i was clear about the space in the kitchen, about the light part there too:)

The day we registered the house we achieved our dream of owning a house and i didn't want expensive designers simply because it was too much of a cost and it was better to build our savings which were nil then and we just did that.

Right decision, in a few months recession started and we survived without much tension. Pay cuts didn't take away the smile and content. And i have no regrets about the simple house part. It is almost 1yr 8months since we entered in to this house and every day i changed something and i keep doing so. I am always in some corner of this house admiring something made by me, planned by me, potted by me and painted by me. It can be just a cushion cover or a tomato plant, or the rangoli or the flower arrangement, the table mats or the bedsheets, nothing expensive, but everything has a story to tell and it makes it special.

The small place made for puja is simple too, but it is a place filled with lot of positivity, the place which gives me strength to smile in pain, to move on with life and face the challenges of daily life. Its the place where husband folds his hands for a few min and closes his eyes.
This house and this place made him believe in god, the first time when he folded his hands and agreed to pray, to come to a temple and to sit in a puja.Every morning the chanting of om re vibrates in this corner of the house. Before leaving the house i just fold my hands, tell him to keep me safe and walk out with a smile and with out any fear.


And then there is this green cover in my house, the plants in all corners, not leaving any place where there is even a hint of sun light and every morning i am greeted by different colors, of nature, of hibiscus, roses, tomatoes, brinjal, methi, coriander, green chillies, Bitter gourd and lot more. I greet them every morning, smile at them, i have tears when i see a plant withering away, I water them myself, i keep changing the places, make sure there is enough sunlight and in the evening while the sun sets, i am sitting in my small balcony, listening to the music, husband sipping his ginger tea and i look at the orange gray sky just to remember that life is all about Work In Progress. The day it is done,completed, everything achieved, we no longer live to enjoy the small beautiful moments. Yes, my house will always be WIP and i am glad the way it is:) And as i publish this i am listening to.."Aaa chal ke tujhe main leke chaloo.n, ek aise gagan ke thale, jahan ghum bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho, jahaan pyar hi pyaar pale...." Makes sense, isn't it:)

Bade acche lagthe hain...

I worked today, I mean i was in college today, on a sunday:) If i was given a choice i would have been at home but then i work for a college and i don't own one:)))) We were given a holiday on Friday (solar eclipse) and then were asked to compensate on a Sunday. Well, life is like that. The choice was upto me, either i go or take a CL. Hmmm, but then this time it was a little different. I am on a NO leave mode.Yes, past two months i din't apply for even one CL, and am making sure to handle it this way for an other one month ( touch wood, touch wood).
But on a Sunday? College, hmmm, that's when it stuck, a simple point, "When you know you need to do it, when you know there is no choice, why not do it with a smile?" and trust me, it works. So yesterday night unlike any other Saturday i slept on time, before that i did check the ink in my pen which i do for all 6 days except for the Saturday, and then i sat and changed my play list in my phone. Added a few songs which i dint listen from a long time and then selected my favorite maroon color saree and even decided on a matching hair clip (which is so rare)., changed into another hand bag:).
Got up at 7am and hubby decided to make it a bit easier and bit nice, he got me breakfast from my favorite darshini, 7.30am the regular auto driver was waiting down and i got into it with a smile. and then i started listening to the very recent, "dil toh baccha hain ji" from Ishqiya. Beautiful song, amazing voice and went on to this one old song from the movie Anurodh... "Aap ke anurodh pe mein ye geet sunaatha hoon.." Rajesh khanna? I like the song.
By the time i got down at the college i was listening to a song by kishore and aarthi mukharji.." do panchi, do tinke, kaho leke chale hain kahaan.." old movie again, donno the movie but a sweet song.
My day was good, all around there were some people irritated, some grumpy, some cribbing, some angry and others indifferent. But there were those who took it in their stride, cheerful, laughing and sharing a joke. And then there were students, for a change i went into the class with a smile, did let them take a break and chitchat, and from being a strict ma'am i became a nice ma'am who let the students in when they came late, gave them attendance even when they missed it, stopped teaching a little early and let them talk and we even discussed about 3 idiots. I heard a back bencher even commenting that all my classes need to be on Sunday ( nah,tough luck dude, this is just a one time show, if i need to do so every Sunday then it looses its charm and its just another day)

Hubby came to pick me up, i saw a group of students trying not to look into the car but still wanted a glimpse of the husband:) To know a little more about the teacher, I remembered my college days, i did the same many a times:) We always used to try and find out if a teacher was married, if she had kids and where does she/he live..... Its fun:)

When i came back home i knew i was smiling, happy and content. My day was good, i don't need to crib and i have no complaints about working on a Sunday, because i chose not to crib or feel bad about it. Its in my hands, most of the times? it is, i chose to be happy and i am happy, for a change no outing this Sunday evening, He is out with his friends, and i chose to stay at home with my music and my blog. In the silence of the night there are a few sounds which keep me company. the occassional honking on the road, the cooker vigil in the next house, The lift opening and closing near by, someone is talking on phone and i can hear them laughing, guess on the terrace somewhere, and then i am listening to the song from "Balika vadhu" Amit kumar singing.." Bade acche lagthe hain, ye darthi, ye ambar....."

Life is simple and i wish it remains the same, and the day it won't, i will try and make it simple. Today is one day where i learnt with exp, "Its my choice to smile and be happy" I wish the wish comes true.
Have a wonderful week ahead people:)