zindagi

" aye zindagi gale lagaale, humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaaya hain, hai na."
Beautiful song and its been a peaceful and silent sunday. I wonder at times how two people in the same house can go silent for such long hours. But we do. He was busy, with work and i was busy, with diwali cleaning, with my plants and my blog. After four hours or so the first word was spoken, and we both said the same thing, it feels good to be silent at times.

It sure does, it makes your mind calm and it helps you to talk, just that you are talking to yourself. There are so many such times when i talk to self, i question and i come up with an answer too, so many decisions are taken that way, the clutter in the mind is emptied that way.
It helps me. And as i was working on my project forgetting everything, he is sitting next to me, lost in his own world, there is absolute silence, he is watching a movie and i suddenly hear his laughter, with his headphones and staring into his laptop screen he is laughing, oblivious of his surroundings, busy enjoying himself and strangely without knowing the reason i also smile and then i laughed, I had no reason but looking at him i also laughed. The smile stayed for a long time, i felt a part of his happiness, and i felt happy too.

The day was calm and silent,an occasional door bell, newspaper read leisurely , morning coffee, simple lunch and afternoon nap, hot shower and the evening puja, arathi and the chandan smell filling the house, a bowl of fruits with honey and the sunset ended the day.
Filling the ink in my pen and painting my nails and keeping my bag ready for tomorrow i just wished it to be a good week ahead, and sitting in the balcony and seriously polishing his shoes he must be thinking the same. Taking out the clothes for tomorrow, switching on the geyser and preparing for the breakfast i continued praying for a better week. Charging his mobile, setting the dinner on the table, locking the doors, switching off the lights in rooms and filling the water bottles he must be wishing for the same.

As i finish typing the post we are getting ready for sleep, hoping for good dreams and a wonderful tomorrow. Wishes come true, or do they? Well, time can only tell, With the sunrise it would be a new day and with the new challenges we can only pray, we can only hope and we can only wish. We did it all. Hell, no worries, after last few months we are ready for anything now:) Have a good week ahead all of you:)

"chota sa saaya tha, aankhon mein aaya tha, humne do boondo.n se..."

Gharonda

If nights are a beautiful visual treat then i am supposed to enjoy it and not sleep all through, Sometimes my own sentences don't make sense to me,and well,thats what i always say,what i feel need not be logical always,and what i say need not mean what i actually feel,confusing,it is,words always confuse me and silence always brings me solutions, i am in a profession where i use words all day,to make others listen to me,to convince others, to make them silent,to make them smile and at times to make them bored too, and its all a play of words and people decide if they like me or not based on a bunch of words, but what makes me smile is when i stand there,on the dais,silent, just watching the surroundings,looking at them and not using a single word and there comes the silence, pin drop silence,all of them looking at me,waiting for me to say something and all i give them is a smile,which just pops up with out my knowledge and they all start smiling too,giggling and then burst into a laughter....Its been 8 yrs into the profession and i am still not bored,i want to be a teacher, and nothing else,and yes,the one who says i am stupid to waste my time,energy,career, i just have a smile for you too:)

Past two days i must have re winded the song " do diwane shehar mein, raat mein yaa dopahar mein,aabudhanaa dhoondhate hai,ek aashiyanaa dhoondhate hain,in bhoolabhoolaiyyaa galiyon mein..." in my mind atleast 20 times, after traveling for more than 200km all around the city past two days and after checking out about 20 apartments we have not yet given up, we will have that ek aashiyana very soon, touch wood:) and by the way the song has the line which goes like..... "apanaa bhee koee yek ghar hogaa,ambar pe khulegii khidkii, ,yaa khidkii pe khula ambar hogaa,asamaani rang ke ankho.n mein, Asmaani yeah aasmani???"
What a beautiful song.....and only gulzar could have said this.......... "jab taare jameen par chalthe hain, aakaash jameen ho jaataa hain,woh raat nahiin fir ghar jaataa,woh chaand yahiin so jaataa hain" Gharonda, the movie was made in 1977 and i enjoy the music till date and so is the film,some things get better with time, Music is one and i say so does your memories:) There was a time when i thought and said Its all over,and today i know i have a long way to go,Not long ago i was walking alone the same lanes and today the hand is held firm and we just walk dreaming about a future, not long ago the tears never stopped and now when i remember i just smile and thank god,for the experience and for the memories, Life gets better each day.

At 1.30am i am listening to the beautiful and one of my favourite from Jhankar Beats which sums it up,...........Tu Hai Aasmaan Main ,Teri Yeh Zameen Hai

Tu Jo Hai To Sab Kuch Hai Na Koi Kami Hai,Tu Hai Aasmaan Main Teri Yeh Zameen Hai
Tu Jo Hai To Sab Kuch Hai Na Koi Kami Hai,Tu Hi Dil Hai Tu Hi Jaan Bhi Hai
Tu Khushi Hai Aasra Bhi Hai,Teri Chaahat Zindagi Hai .."

Ajnabi

Every day while i travel in this city one thought comes into my head silently,makes me wonder for a moment and then vanishes,i tell myself that with time it wont be long when i will just forget even you are/were a part of this city even before i stepped into this place,but then its been 7months here but each living day i have this feeling,Of knowing/not knowing someone in this crowd, zipping away fast and furious bikes and cars,buses and other vehicles,those hundreds of pedestrians walking fast to their destinations remind me that one in them might be known to me,the one who is not known anymore,
the one who is lost,but always there in thought,the same lanes where while walking you shared dreams with me,those which made me smile,and a few which made me Dream-of life,of love and one day it all ended in tears,Now,after such a long time while i silently walk down those lanes i am satisfied and in peace with myself,Everything ends one day and gives way to new hopes,new life and new dreams,i am content, now i don't fight the feeling that you are somewhere near, now i know that it ended for you too,Hoping and wishing that you too are walking in the lanes of memory with a content and peace of knowing that all ends and gives way to a new Beginning, I wish that smile stays forever,I wish that for you my dear stranger....Do you feel the same???

Ashayein-4

Birthday came and went,Old by another one Year which is just fine:) A few remembered,Called up, wished and lot many forgot,the people whom i worked with for 8years forgot and the people whom i called friends and gave space in my life and in this blog too forgot and a few whom i thought will sure forget remembered:) and they surprised,with wishes and calls and i ended up with smiles,.New city and nil friends,new work place and the thought that first time mom won't be there to wish me first in the morning {yeah,we are not so big about 12am wishes}..coupled with severe cold and too much of work i wasn't keen about birthday:) Went to work as usual and had a good time,Not bad to celebrate birthday with new colleagues,they were sweet enough to indulge me with lot of words and wishes:) Reached home,still something missing, knocked the door and when someone opened it i was screaming at top of my lungs and sure someone with a faint heart would have lost it.I still have no idea if i was laughing or crying but hubby says i did both.Yes,My mom was here,it was supposed to be a surprise,husband and brother and planned it.,I would never again say i hate surprises. Just her presence made so much difference and i am not angry with people who forgot,the people who just left it behind,or maybe nothing to do with her presence,Its time i realized too that priorities change,people change and so did I and we all moved on with our life's and all are happy in their own way,

changing some things, moving ahead of some friendships and leaving behind a unwanted relationship did good to me,and i just thank god for what has been given and no regrets for what i have lost,it was meant to be and i accept it:) I am happy in my small world with a few complaints and tears but it all vanishes with the love and the smiles and joy which spreads along.

It was truly a Happy Birthday and if i missed the rush,fun,hoards of friends,100's of sms and calls and loads of gifts and how 24hrs were never enough to meet them all I was also happy being content and calm,spending leisurely time with the two people whom i love and need the most, When i remembered that more or less past 15yrs she just waited for me to reach home,from friends,parties,college,she was the first person and last one too to wish me on this day,but rest i never spent time with her,i was busy and this time i made no mistakes, letting her oil my hair,talking about my wedding last year,gossiping about the relatives and yes,after one year of the wedding we both finally found time to talk about the food served and the silk sarees and gold worn by many and about the new designs and what not. First time again had home cooked food on my birthday,so long its been since i did that,
everything was different but every moment was precious,Every moment was filled with content,smiles and the feel that a new beginning has been made,I now know that the pace has slowed down but the moment has been just right and i am Happy,That matters,Isn't it?

i remembered this song.."aao tumhe chand pe lejaaye,pyar bhare sapne sajaaye,chota sa bangla banaaye,ek nayi duniya basaaye,aao tumhe chand pe lejaaye..."

Ek roj Zindagi...

"But sir,you always scold only me,Because i am short,and because i sit in front bench you always point out at me,you don't say anything to the other girls"

11am to 11.40am the staff room becomes a fish market,utterchaos, confusion and the Students
surround the teachers for everything and anything during the break time and the attender does a rope walk serving Coffee and the quota of two biscuits per teacher,
Thankfully i don't need to wait for him,i have no regards for the coffee or the Britannia Marie biscuits,so i seriously concentrate on TOI which is scattered by pages on each table,i was on the collection spree,collecting page 14 from the colleague who rarely smiles and asking for the Bangalore times from the one who annoyingly plays high music on his mobile phone,Yeah,he carries his phone in the shirt pocket with the loud speaker on and Tamil music playing,
and in midst of all this i heard a those words,coming back to my seat i tried looking at the direction where it came from.She is short,cute with her spectacles,controlling her frustration and trying hard to talk to the teacher with out letting her tears roll out of her eyes, One of her friend was trying to pacify and take her away but she was adament,she insists that he always scolds her and that today she was not making any noise but he still scolded her. "Because i am short you always notice me and make fun of me" she repeated.

I dont know what went on for the next 5 min but i just kept staring at her,i am not looking at her,her height or her tears, i am looking at the resolve of a girl who walks into the staff room to say that she is right and that she trusts herself while saying so.

I so wanted to talk to her,but i know it is wrong to involve when i am no where concerned,i just wished the teacher would clarify that the height was not an issue at all and that it dosnt matter,but No,he was busy clarifying other things.Do i involve or not? i knew i couldn and my dear collegue and friend who sits next to me and we both share a good friendship stopped me saying it wont be good if i spoke then.

She was going off,along with her friend,i just stood up and walked out of the room,she was there,in front of me,walking fast and furious still,i dont know her name,nothing,not even the class she is from,I need to tell her something,she was waiting near the lift,i just smiled and she looked at me,smiled back after a few seconds.
Hesitantly a few words came out from me "Girl,never let others takeover your confidence,Does it matter that you are short or someone else is fat or lean? if they think so let them be,Be proud of who you are and you know what,you have a wonderful confidence which will help you turn your dreams to reality,By the way you are the one who won the first prize in Debate,Isn't it" Bright eyes,filled with laughter,smiling,enjoying all the credit which is due she replied "Yes ma'am,and ma'am i know you"
"Do you?" Yes ma'am,you won the Anthyakshari competition conducted for the faculty,i remember the last song which you sang,its my dad's favorite song,You teach Consumer Behaviour,My cousin is in your class........"

After spending ten min talking,laughing,smiling it was time for good bye,she was going up to the canteen,"we are celebrating,she says with pride,i won so i am giving a treat,ma'am,join us"
No dear,you have fun, i have a class now.

Yes,i have a class now,but before that i have a word to talk to,to myself,to remind myself how it always affected me as a kid that i was fat,that i was tall and that i was always made to sit in the last bench,how i was laughed at,and how i had those tears welling up in my heart,but i did fight back, with my insecurities,stood up when i was right,fought back when i was humiliated,and i won,won over my insecurities ,it hurts to remember but i don't want to forget,i have more battles and it gives me strength to remember.

and while i was walking back to the staff room,i am greeted by my students,most of them with a smile,a few stopping to share a news,one stopping me to say that she had a fight with her best friend,a group rushing to me saying that they won the cricket match and one boy waiting for me to clear his doubts in Leverage Analysis and i have a class waiting for me to deal with Ethics in Subliminal Advertising and i recollect that song which i sang at the anthakshari....

"Tere girne mein bhi theri haar nahi,ki thu admi hain hain avtaar nahi.....zindagi hasne gaane keliye hain pal,do pal,isse khona nahi,khoke rona nahi......." Isn't it true "Life is to share the laughter and music,don't loose it all and cry for what you have lost.........Don't worry about failures,you are afterall human,Not god..."

Pic courtesy :Deviant Art.

Change

Picture : The view from our third floor.

Read it somewhere...........

“As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.”

I had a doubt,are there people who still read this blog???? Hope so,Strange,how at one time i had all the time to spend it in front of this blog and now i have all the reasons for not being here,Did i change or it happens with everyone??? Is change really constant? I want to be regular here,i wish and hope to be back:)

Dear Atticus

The first time i read his blog was one evening of september 2004,I remember his first post "Walking into the sunset" I just started blogging then and i told myself that one day i would write like him,write to make others feel,experience each word there, let others into those memories which they have long forgotten or busy to recollect,i knew one day i would want to write so effortlessly making the reader a part of every word there,It would be no more a blog post,no more just a story,no more just another experience of his,it would be something more, because after reading in some or the other way the reader would be a part of it,part of those emotions and those smiles and joy and pain as well.
I was in an awe for his words and kept going back to his blog again and again, From his days in a B school to his Journey to a far of land in search of himself,in search of a dream he came a long way and i still go to his blog and its 2007 already, I remember the post "Time Stops"
he wrote it sitting in a small village.
And the post about his niece Dhanya which i remembered for a long long time,i dont know how many times i read it. Each post has an emotion,a feeling,an experience worth all your time,and now the latest one which made me cry,those tears which come rarely these days and Dear Atticus, just to tell you that its been three years of knowing an Unknown you,Whose name i never knew for a long time,whose face i have no idea about,whose voice i have never heard of,but whose emotions,whose life has been a part of my virtual world,where i made some wonderful friends,Where we all have been a part of each others life in some or the other way,Today i just wanted to say Be Happy and keep writing:)

You talks of sunsets,the ones which are beautiful,the ones which give a hope,Yes,for me they give a hope,the Sun going down gives me a HOPE of A Tomorrow to come,a new one, with lot more dreams,with lot more happiness,it would bring you someone who is special and who would be with you,forever,The goodbyes are only for now,The flight which left you alone will be back sooner with that special someone who would be with you forever.

Aashayein

One song which always makes me smile,which always helps me to remember that there is a better Tomorrow,the word HOPE sounds so good hearing this song,one of my favorite movie,one of my favorite songs and one which i needed the most today,sometimes no amount of words from friends, wellwishers or your loved ones help and then i turn to music,which has always been by my side when needed,I feel much better listening to this and hope this sure helps me to go get something which is important,for my existence,to prove to myself that i can still fight and win,i will try.

i am enjoying the light of HOPE,
which shows me a new path,
filled with lot of happiness and smiles,The journey is unknown,
but when there is someone to hold my hand and take me down the road,
into an Unknown future,I am ready to walk with you,
Will you be mine forever?

teri woh raftaar ho,roke se bhi tu na ruke
haasil kar aaisa shikhar,parbat ki bhi nazrein uthe

udd jaaye leke khushi,apne sang tujhko waha
jannat se mulaqaat ho,puri ho teri har dua
aashaayein khile dil ki,ummeedein hase dil ki
ab mushkil nahi kutch bhi,nahi kutch bhi
kutch aaisa karke dikha,khud khush ho jaaye khuda
aashaayen khile dil ki
ummeedein hase dil ki
ab mushkil nahi kutch bhi
nahi kutch bhi

From the movie Iqbal

It bends,it twists,it sometime hides,but rarely does it break,It sustains us when nothing else can.
HOPE:)

Zindagi ki yehi reet hain

I wish things fall back to their respective corners of life soon,wish there was no uncertainty about anything,Those dark clouds of sadness looming over the life again,will it rain?As i see the reflection in the mirror, all my questions keep staring back at me,will there ever be any answers? what is satisfaction? happiness? where can i buy it in loads and fill my accounts with it and what do i do to make sure it is safe in there always? where can i lock away these tears to?how do i discard the pain life render from time to time? why do i have to inherit the big chunk of it always? And why does questions have no answers when i need them the most? And when all i can feel is silence in the darkness of the night i stop staring into the blankness and close the windows and get to sleep,Hoping that tomorrow is going to be a bright morning and with the sun rays creeping in i will wake up to read all the answers to my questions ,Hopefully,nothing wrong in Dreaming and Hoping,Is it not? and the wait continues.........

Zindagi ki yehi reet hai,Haar ke baad hi jeet hai
Thode aansu hai, thodi hasi,Aaj gham hai to kal hai khushi

Thode aansu hai, thodi hasi,Aaj gham hai to kal hai khushi
Zindagi ki yehi reet hai,Haar ke baad hi jeet hai
Zindagi raat bhi hai, savera bhi hai zindagi
Zindagi hai safar aur basera bhi hai zindagi

Ek pal dard ka daanv hai,Doosra sukh bhari chhaaon hai
Har naye pal naya geet hai,Zindagi ki yehi reet hai
Gham ka baadal jo chhaaye to hum muskuraate rahe
Apni aankhon mein aashaaon ke deep jalaate rahe
Aaj bigde to kal phir bane,Aaj roothe to kal phir mane
Waqt bhi jaise ek meet hai
Zindagi ki yehi reet hai ,Haar ke baad hi jeet hai
Thode aansu hai, thodi hasi,Aaj gham hai to kal hai khusi

Wishes Of More Smiles,Joy,Happiness.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and A Happy and wonderful new year ahead,have fun,party hard and laugh aloud,share a smile and wipe a tear,let the pain vanish and smiles bloom around,Its after all

Another New Day,Filled With Dew Drop Dreams.

Life is full of surprises,as always,walking away from the place where you were born and brought up,the city of fond memories,the job which is more than work ,the place where you made friends and the place which made you what you are today,the dreams and the happiness,the pain and tears,all were born here and one fine morning you pack your bags and leave in search of a new destination,a new dream and a new world,and it all starts again,the life which is left behind turns into fond memories,and the world which you enter forms the core of your dreams,the one which you struggle to make it all into a reality.Life goes on and every day brings in a new experience.

I remember this song today which is one of my childhood favourties,from the film Baaton Baaton mein, i always used to sing it along with my father
"utte sabke khadam,dekho rum pum pum,aji aise geet gaya karo, kabhi kushi kabhi ghum,taara ram pum pum,haso.n aur hasaaya karo,woh pyare din aur woh pyari raatein,yaad humein hain woh mulaqaatein,nahi koi ghum,nahi koi gila,zindagi ke raah mein mile hain humtum,......"

This place is like a mirror of my emotions,where i talk to self,and now i am going away in search of a new path,new destination,will be back the day i feel i can spare time for myself,for glancing at life from this angle,till then take care and have fun all of you.

Ashayein

Another sleepless night,just like that,i stand by the window and look at the darkness outside,i remember these lines,i repeat them here again,i did it before,i might do it again on some night when the darkness tries to swallow me,when the silence gets so loud that i feel scared of it.I wish i knew whats in store Tomorrow,but i know i cant,Thats the only mystery which we never can expolre,thats what makes life the way it is,Hope of a better tomorrow makes this night shorter,i can see the night fading away,there will be a ray of hope with the new day,with the first sunray,I will wait for it.......

"I Keep staring into the silence of the night,I keep listening to the sounds of the silence,I try to play with words but end up in silence,I try to hold a moment in my hands,but it just slips away...The sands of time goes far far away from me,I have no choice but to walk along,Smiling at the waves of emotions shattering to 100 peices on the rocks,I smile because the waves keep coming back,Just like HOPE,and i go on..Flow with the wind,Sing with the birds around,Across the boarders,forgetting the boundaries,Catch me if you can,Before you try i slip off to the far off land. I have to catch that first drop of rain,I haveto touch the first Ray of sun,I have to feel the smell of the freshly drenched Earth,i need to feel the softness of the first petal of the rose,I have to move on,I keep walking off to the far far away grounds.

Radiocity FM is playing this song now at this hour....

"Tumse milke,aisa lagaa tumse milke, armaan hue mere dil ke,aye mere jaanewafa,tere mere,mere teri ik jaan hain,saath tere rahenge sada,tumse na honge judaa,tumse milke....."