"Bekaar ki baatein"

Why do you have to be upset? Why do you need that mask to cover your feelings anytime? Why are you scared of showing that soft side of your emotions to people? Why do you have to talk to your blog and not to real people? Why are you so rigid? What makes you lock yourself in? Why don't you let anyone know your inner self?

How many questions, how many times i just avoid it, it hurts, its irritating and at times its comforting that you are trying to know me... But i never give you an answer, do i? Well, i just ended up giving the answer here, i still have no strength to answer the questions, its been more than three years but the wounds are still raw, It terribly hurts even today....... I wish i can speak about it.. but i won't.

I don't let anyone know about me, i never trust anyone and neither do i smile at anyone, never the first one to make a conversation, not a friendly person or not easy going......... I know all the terms by heart now but this is so much better than..........." Being walked all over by people just because you trust them, you smiled, you shared laughter, and they left the pain forever, you just wipe someone's tears and they take away your smile forever. The pain of being left alone, the pain of being laughed at, being mocked at just because you trusted..... dammit, the tears still flow, but dint i get over them? "The words still ring in my ears " I now Don't need you"

Now you know why i lock myself in? so that i am safe. Thank you for asking.

tumhaari meri baatein

Yesterday evening, The twilight was beautiful, the setting sun, the home bound birds and cold breeze and as always the silence, The coconut palms were swaying to the musical breeze, the picture is from our balcony, There is not much noise in the apartments, i felt little sad, three families in the floor are out of town, and the rest stay indoors mostly, i don't know who is in the next floor, the basement is almost empty with no cars, the watchman is sitting silently near the gate watching outside road, The dog from the next building is busy silently sitting and watching the empty surroundings and no kids outside in the basement, the cycles not honking and no screaming or loud cheers from them, most of them have gone home for vacation, But what do we do who made this place a home, Nothing much i thought:)

Watered the plants, watched them glowing in the evening glory, the little water drops look like fresh pearls, Suddenly the sadness gave way to a smile, A smile filled with content, the empty apartment floor or the basement now doesn't seem so lonely, Free and silent it is but these are the good times, before we hit the word busy again, the holiday time and what more can i ask for, i am in my home, sweet home, Friends may join us on 31st, the phone rang...

the neighbors who now double up as good friends called from Ooty, they are starting from there on 30th, her words are still ringing in my head "Neelu, we will celebrate new year together" The family whom i know for less than six months are coming back without having more fun with their family because they didn't like the fact that we are alone here.... Such is life, simple pleasures, simple happiness and simple reasons to smile. I remember what Amma says always "You will get back what you give to others",

smiles, fun, sharing, care, affection, celebrations, Live, Let live, Joy, tears, Pain, sharing, wiping them away, filling life with new colors, Its beautiful to be living, awesome to be blessed with happiness, Enjoy till it lasts, Rest we will see....

I suddenly wanted the silence to go, and the music filled the air, the recent favourite from Rock on filled the air...... Beautiful song and beautiful lyrics........ See you all in the new year, Happy new year guys, have a wonderful time, play safe and make merry:)

"yeh tumhaari meri baatein hamesha yu hi chalati rahein
yeh hamaari mulaakaatein hamesha yu hi chalati rahein
beetein yu hi apne saare din raat
baaton se nikalati rahein nayi baat
phir wahi baatein leke geet koyi hum likhein
jo dil ko, ha sabke dil ko chhu le
baatein suron mein yu hi pighalati rahein
baatein geeton mein yu hi dhalati rahein"

Lage phool hasne...

The bird did come back, with a real companion and they both had the grains and sat on the grills for sometime and flew away. As if to tell me that its fine:)
Back to work tomorrow, almost a month of vacation and a neighbor wondered if i was bored. Alone most of the time, and i don't step out of the house until is needed, what did i do all the day at home? was her question.
Yes, i am that boring person who still listens to radio and songs in the cassette player, enjoys at home, watches silly comedy movies and happy with the two odd friends in life. The vacation was well spent, I beamed. What did you do? she wondered. I painted my house with colors:))) Yeah, i did that, want to see, Here we go..... But she was not amused. What is the big deal? You just buy the flower pots from the nursery and the servant will water them,huh.

I felt angry, I felt irritated and i felt hurt, Is it so simple? To nurture a dream? No, not at all, I live in an apartment, in a busy area where noise pollution and tall buildings take away my smile, I wanted a house, with colors, with peace and silence, and i cannot get one ready made , it had to be nurtured, when i wake up early in the morning i am greeted by these colors which do not appear from the sky magically, i work to make them bloom and its not an easy job of buying a pot and getting it watered daily, Not at all.
I go to Lalbagh where i can save on money, i select the flower pots, i select the colors, i go to their office, pester them with questions about manure, medicines, buy sprinklers, tools and manure mix and carry them all in auto at times, carry them one by one to my first floor apartment, cover the balcony with sheets, tie my hair and get started with planting these, sometimes it takes the whole day to set them all and at times i hire a help so that i can take a few pictures:)))))
Well, not only for pictures, but it is not an easy job. And the end result will be this which i absolutely love and show the husband proudly
( By the way, through all this ordeal husband will be busy having his cuppa with news watching series marathon, and its OK, That is his way of time well spent)

I remember what Amma always said when we used to shout at her for spending all her weekends with plants.. "They are like taking care of the kids, both need lot of care, attention and interest" Well, that is so true, taking care of the weeds, ants, water logging, insects and any disease is a must and i do all that. Every 5 days i check for any unwanted objects of attention and satisfy myself that all is well in the paradise:)


And yes, before i forget , Its not all about money Honey, I don't do all this with just money, with recession, House loan, taxes, other material possessions i hardly have enough bank balance to just spend it all. But i still do it, and for that i again plan, for months together , i forgo certain luxuries, i save like a maniac and sometimes i do this and i am serious.
I save coins, you know, those 50 paise, 1 and 2 and 5 Rs coins and for months together i become a predator waiting for husband to leave the change somewhere and i pounce on it. I put it all in a box, and occasionally i segregate it, count them all, make a note of it in my precious book ( will talk about it some other time) and keep waiting for it to become a decent amount. And this time it was 1349Rs 50P and i spent it all in making a small color riot in my house.

And the palms in the hall are looking really good, and when i sit there early in the morning i feel proud of myself, I did it all by myself, I had a dream, i made it into reality, I live in a house which i turned into a dream house. Yes, i reiterate, I am a boring person by your standards, but i live my own way, End of the day what matters to me is if i am happy by being what i am and the answer is a loud and clear YES.
I am listening to this old song which for me is a beautiful way of telling how every day is such a wonderful experience and it all is in our hearts to feel it...Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii...."