Thursday, June 04, 2009

blah blah

Unofficially i will be back in college from tomorrow, Vacation over:( I don't want to go. I am surprised that i am quite sad and silent about going back to work,I want to stay at home, take care of my plants, my house, listen to music, watch movies or in short i just want to do what i want to do.
But not possible, i know, not always we get the luxury of living life the way we want to. We need to make compromises, no controversies, let me rephrase, I need to make compromises, So does the Husband. There are times when he just cannot get up at 5am to get ready by 6am and wait for the cab, i see him mumbling something about taking a leave but in last 6 months he hardly took any leave.
He pushes himself, i guess he remembers the market conditions, the job threats and the EMI we pay for the flat and other random stuff.
I on other hand don't remember any such things, every morning when i get up at 7am to be in the office by 8am i look at the other side of the bed and remember the man who is working hard to make it easy in future and i just start getting ready.

Its mutual, the fear of loosing out, the fear of not being able to have a comfortable living for which we struggled hard and the looming past which always reminds of the darkness and helplessness we felt at times as children, When he lost his mom and when my dad walked off.
We both know what pain is, we both know about not having enough, we both know about struggle, we both know about being left alone, about being deprived, About broken families and tears.

But all this made us strong, made us understand life.
There are times when we get suggestions about having kids, about making more money and about changing jobs and shifting to another country. Times when we just listen, smile and move on with our life. Not that it dosn't hurt, it does. Specially when someone talks about kids, Isn't it supposed to be a very personal and private matter for me and him? For me staying away of about 600km from my family is nothing less than being in another country, and same goes for him, how he gets worried about his dad and feels guilty about being away from him.
The jobs we have are our choice, someone recently suggested we takeup the building association secretary post because our timings are perfect and are back home by 4pm and i am still fuming, we start to office when all others are still tucked warm in their beds, evenings are the only time when we get time to talk,to share or make calls to family, talk about bills and shopping, plan and dream, which we do alot, cook and share a meal together. The ME time and the WE time is in the evenings and we need to balance and we do that. TOUCHWOOD.

Is it so hard to respect someone for what they are? Do you need to voice your opinion about others life so easily? No idea.
I started this post to say something to the husband, just to tell him that "Yes, i dont like to work anymore, yes, i feel irritated to go back to work, but still every morning when i wake up i tell myself that this wont last long. Not everything is as per our wishes, not everyone is what we want them to be, We accept life and people for what they are, we make changes when it becomes impossible to take another step, till then we are like this only, Happy, content, laughing silly, dreaming and at intervals we have bouts of complaints, cribbing, screaming, tears and sadness. Sri, just to tell you that we have a perfect life. A mixture of all emotions, that makes us complete"

So, wish me for tomorrow, wish me that i have a good time at work, wish me that there will be less controversies, wish me that i smile a lot and wish me that i have a good health and wish me to be what i am, wish me that i don't change:)

For today i am enjoying the breeze and the clouds and listening to this song here Let me know if you like the song.


JzOzzi said...

I always wish that I was born rich and then I wouldn't have to work so hard etc etc. :[ but sadly, still not rich yet. Lotterys are hard to win ;p but it's okay, as long as you keep working towards what you want, you'll get it eventually. I am an avid believer.

Taggy said...

The incompleteness in my life, the imperfectness in my personality is what makes my life worth it.Imaging we had nothing to accomlish nothing to desire.That wouldnt be a life anymore

diya said...

alapana, your life your choices are your own, stand by them and let others' words go in from one ear and out the other. Do you know, I am a stay at home mom now for over a year, I have had enough of domestication and am looking forward to working in a year or two.So when you have a chance to stay at home you might yearn for a career! Such are the ironies of life.
I send a lot of best wishes your way...may you find peace, may there be much more laughter and much less tears. Enjoy are young and just embarking upon a lifetime of love and sharing...may your relationship flower and blossom..have fun!

Stone said...

Sometimes I wonder… People work hard to get roof over their head….and when they get it, they stay away for long hours from it ….to maintain it :-)

Ahh…such is life!!

Beautiful song and beautiful post as usual.

And, yes Have GREAT time at work tomorrow and always!

Anonymous said...

blah blah:p
in the middle of the post, i thought not a typical alapana post....but in the end i felt its a typical alapana post:)...

Arunima said...

may you feel elated when you go back to work and wish to go back to it eagerly everyday!

I feel like that every monday. yet, as you said, all these emotions, the ups and downs make life complete.

Prati said...

I could relate to every word and in the end I just went into silence!
Wish you all the best in every walk of your life :-)

P.S. Still awaiting the picture you promised to send me :-)

jupallis said...

I just wish that you had great fun last week at your work.

Alapana said...

JzOzzi, I always dreamed that when i opened the door in the morning i find a bag full of currency and my life is made:)))) and i plan how i would use the money also. Dreams are so good to feel but reality is always better:)

Taggy, well said, the imperfectness makes it worth living:)

Alapana said...

Diya, we always crave for what we don't have in our life, that's the irony:) Thank you for the wishes, it means a lot and i stayed at home for 3 months and the arguments at home increased,i felt empty, useless and whatnot,i thought i am not capable of doing anything, scared,that's when i realised i have to work. And now i crave for that what i don't have, leisure:)))

Alapana said...

Stoneji, sure i had a good time but then...:)
Kya baat kehdiya aapne, bilkul sahi,no time to enjoy and feel the moment, always busy,but i make sure to steal away a few moments from the busy schedule and its worth it.

athmakatha:) typical always might be boring:)

Alapana said...

Arunima, thank you lady:) and yes, i know those monday's and how i hate them:)

Prati, i know you would understand, we sailed in the same boat at times:)

jupallis,yes i had a good time and now back to the best times, vacation for one whole week again:))))

Anonymous said...

this is a beautiful post... the emotions each one of us go through but only you could express them so well :)
- anumita


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