Life

Beautiful skyline, i always like this picture, from the terrace of my house, early morning, the mango groove, coconut leaves and wild jasmine in the back drop of the orange sky, just before the sunrise. Home, it just feels as if its been ages, but then life gives you very few choices, pick the one which suits you the best and then stop cribbing. I have been doing the same. And wish to continue.

Been busy? asked a friend, i had no reply, i will always be busy, that's how i want it to be but somewhere i just left behind a few things; my music, my blog, keeping in touch and generally left behind an important part of my living. Not deliberately, it was getting too difficult to handle everything and i left what i was comfortable with, because it won't hurt others, its ok if it hurts me. There was a scary C word in the family, there was work and then there was more work and with that came petty politics at work place and came the name and the fame and you just need to keep up with it all, cannot loose it can we? but then it hit hard one fine morning.
I guess there was a meeting and the chancellor was talking, i heard the line, " People won't remember that you were right 99 times, they will still talk about that one time when you were wrong"
Is it so? then what am i running for? Ppl will anyway talk, and i am not god:)

And i am back, to the world of music, back to blogging and to keep in touch, i don't know if i will be able to keep up the decision but i will try, 2010 is ending and i hope atleast the new year will bring the cheer for the tired soul.

Rain and the chilled air, the silence in the house as usual, it looks so peaceful, i am listening to Surili akhiyon wale, suna hai teri akhiyon se ,Behti hai neendein aurr neendon mein sapne,Kabhi to kinare pe, utar mere sapno se,Aaja zameen pe aurr mil ja kahin pe" Beautiful song. I wish life was simple, but then its in my hands, as always i mess it up and then i solve the puzzle myself.

A friend sent a quote in the morning " Patience and silence are powerful energies... Patience makes u mentally strong, silence makes you emotionally strong" by Abdul kalam.

yaadein

There is no end to memories, A smile always comes back when we turn around to look at the days gone by and the days filled with laughter and fun come back in a moment. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then i started typing this post, with those immediate few images from the days gone by which brought a smile and these little precious gems are what makes life worth.

The image of three girls walking down the huge empty roads in the defence quarters and sharing one cup of ice cream. Limited pocket money or the joy of sharing, don't remember what prompted that1:3 ratio:)))))

Amma always bought identical water-bottles, lunch boxes, pencils and pens for both kids, The sixth class studying sis lost her water-bottle cap and silently replaced it with 4th class studying bro's water bottle cap. Thank god the little secret is still a secret:)))))

Talking about the sibling it is not clear how a 1/2 km stretch from school which takes about 15 min to walk back home would take him more than two hrs and one such occasion amma back from office and went in search of him towards the school, only to find him slowly walking with a tiny plant in both the hands and also talking to the plant:( He was just being careful about bringing the plant alive but then amma gives a lecture that i need to be careful and come along with him)))))

The first movie i went to watch with a gang of girls from school, we finished our board exams and we felt so proud of ourselves. It was a comedy movie and my best friend found it hilarious, so much so that she literally started kicking the front seat with her leg while laughing, the one in that seat did not find it amusing at all(((((

Aunty's shop-next to college, she had the best of samosas and we would wait for 9am, that's when the fresh stock came and the co ed college had a ladies room:))) we being the first batch to be admitted into a all boys college and the royal treatment we got every where and i remember naming a senior "Golgappa" I never knew he was a senior:((((( and the whole gang made me repeat "I am a complan girl"20 times for no reason:))))))

A group of college friends, 23 of them, went to watch a movie and16 turned up, we sold the remaining 7 tickets for triple the price we bought them for and partied with the money:))))

I thought PG would be serious stuff and in my first weak to the college, i bunked, in fact everyday i ran away from the economics class, as soon the the professor entered from the front door i used to run from the back door:))))))

The 50 acre campus filled with only women was fun, i tasted canteen food first time in my PG. I imitated Laluprasad yadav on the freshers day and they presented me with a wall painting which is still with me:)))

I know you are going to smile when you read this Pratima:) The first all girls nightouts started not in my PG but when i started working, one bio tech teacher, one food & nutrition teacher and Me, the commerce one:) the long drives and giggling whole night and one particular such time when i guess the downstairs ppl complained about too much noise and sounds, well, we were dancing you see:)
The fried rice you made and the comments which i had, the walk back home late night and early morning walking and whole night singing and giggling is still fresh in memories, and yes, we changed, everything changed but then such is life:) isn't it.

My two best friends are guys, those with whom i can share any news, those who understand my silence and every bit of me, those whom my husband would trust my safety with, amma did the same, its been more than 14yrs and there is no end to it..... they are the strength, they are the weakness, they are the lifeline...

Thank you dear god, for all the good times
And as he posted in his blog
"haan.... waqt yeh bhi guzar jaayega"

???

I am trying to fight, fight everything which isn't easy, everything which makes me weak, which makes me give up but yet, there are times when i just want to give up. Am i wrong? I am holding on to a thin hope that one day things will be fine, but that's just too thin and the hope is giving away to despair, the smiles are fading away and the darkness sets in and its scary. I wish i can say more, i wish i can talk, i wish i can talk to friends but i am too proud to admit that i am loosing a battle, too proud to admit that i feel depressed. Ya,. depressed.Miss everything of the past, family, friends, life in Hyd, my way of living, my way of thinking, my way of fun, i miss it all. When did i change so much? when did i become so practical? when i did i become such a big loner? why did i push away everyone who cares? I wish i had answers. Just to remember that they do care, even today. I am holding on to a thin line of hope. One day, maybe one day i can share it all here. I am holding on.....

Ye mera ghar...

I heard a neighbor commenting that there is lot of pending work in our flat, lot more to do, she was surprised, work in progress sorts of... She said.

We never hired a interior designer when we bought this flat.we just had the work done with the help of the carpenters. Basics enough to live in comfort.

And one of my neighbor keeps claiming that all the 16 flat owners( 17th being me and 18th is she) in the building visited her flat to look at the architectural and designer wonder:))))) for which they spent more than 8lacs and she feels so sad for me that i have had no idea of lot of those costly designer wine glasses and bar counter and breakfast counters and those 14 different designer lamps which she has in the living area:))

But then i simply look at my Philips tube light and energy saving Philips lamp again in my hall and say sorry to them:( because i don't need to use any light in the mornings:) I am greeted with this sight:) Open the balcony door and the sunlight enters my home royally:) My whole house is filled with natural light, my bedrooms need thick curtains to curtail light when i don't need it at all. I never told her this but when i sat on my huge bean bag which was gifted recently by dear hubby to use it to contemplate over life i thought i need to write a post:)

We bought this flat in our second year of our marriage, With our savings and home loan, gold loan and just with what we earned in two years. We dint depend on our parents and we are quite proud of the achievement.
For me home is where there is loads of love, where there is peace and where i just can smile and be content. We ran around in search of it all and when we found one we were clear about one thing, we wanted a flat with lots and lots of sunlight, with lots of natural light and where i don't need to depend on the fans and AC for breathing fresh air. As i am typing this the cool breeze is making my bedroom curtains dance and the fans are as usual switched off. More than the designer kitchen i was clear about the space in the kitchen, about the light part there too:)

The day we registered the house we achieved our dream of owning a house and i didn't want expensive designers simply because it was too much of a cost and it was better to build our savings which were nil then and we just did that.

Right decision, in a few months recession started and we survived without much tension. Pay cuts didn't take away the smile and content. And i have no regrets about the simple house part. It is almost 1yr 8months since we entered in to this house and every day i changed something and i keep doing so. I am always in some corner of this house admiring something made by me, planned by me, potted by me and painted by me. It can be just a cushion cover or a tomato plant, or the rangoli or the flower arrangement, the table mats or the bedsheets, nothing expensive, but everything has a story to tell and it makes it special.

The small place made for puja is simple too, but it is a place filled with lot of positivity, the place which gives me strength to smile in pain, to move on with life and face the challenges of daily life. Its the place where husband folds his hands for a few min and closes his eyes.
This house and this place made him believe in god, the first time when he folded his hands and agreed to pray, to come to a temple and to sit in a puja.Every morning the chanting of om re vibrates in this corner of the house. Before leaving the house i just fold my hands, tell him to keep me safe and walk out with a smile and with out any fear.


And then there is this green cover in my house, the plants in all corners, not leaving any place where there is even a hint of sun light and every morning i am greeted by different colors, of nature, of hibiscus, roses, tomatoes, brinjal, methi, coriander, green chillies, Bitter gourd and lot more. I greet them every morning, smile at them, i have tears when i see a plant withering away, I water them myself, i keep changing the places, make sure there is enough sunlight and in the evening while the sun sets, i am sitting in my small balcony, listening to the music, husband sipping his ginger tea and i look at the orange gray sky just to remember that life is all about Work In Progress. The day it is done,completed, everything achieved, we no longer live to enjoy the small beautiful moments. Yes, my house will always be WIP and i am glad the way it is:) And as i publish this i am listening to.."Aaa chal ke tujhe main leke chaloo.n, ek aise gagan ke thale, jahan ghum bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho, jahaan pyar hi pyaar pale...." Makes sense, isn't it:)

Bade acche lagthe hain...

I worked today, I mean i was in college today, on a sunday:) If i was given a choice i would have been at home but then i work for a college and i don't own one:)))) We were given a holiday on Friday (solar eclipse) and then were asked to compensate on a Sunday. Well, life is like that. The choice was upto me, either i go or take a CL. Hmmm, but then this time it was a little different. I am on a NO leave mode.Yes, past two months i din't apply for even one CL, and am making sure to handle it this way for an other one month ( touch wood, touch wood).
But on a Sunday? College, hmmm, that's when it stuck, a simple point, "When you know you need to do it, when you know there is no choice, why not do it with a smile?" and trust me, it works. So yesterday night unlike any other Saturday i slept on time, before that i did check the ink in my pen which i do for all 6 days except for the Saturday, and then i sat and changed my play list in my phone. Added a few songs which i dint listen from a long time and then selected my favorite maroon color saree and even decided on a matching hair clip (which is so rare)., changed into another hand bag:).
Got up at 7am and hubby decided to make it a bit easier and bit nice, he got me breakfast from my favorite darshini, 7.30am the regular auto driver was waiting down and i got into it with a smile. and then i started listening to the very recent, "dil toh baccha hain ji" from Ishqiya. Beautiful song, amazing voice and went on to this one old song from the movie Anurodh... "Aap ke anurodh pe mein ye geet sunaatha hoon.." Rajesh khanna? I like the song.
By the time i got down at the college i was listening to a song by kishore and aarthi mukharji.." do panchi, do tinke, kaho leke chale hain kahaan.." old movie again, donno the movie but a sweet song.
My day was good, all around there were some people irritated, some grumpy, some cribbing, some angry and others indifferent. But there were those who took it in their stride, cheerful, laughing and sharing a joke. And then there were students, for a change i went into the class with a smile, did let them take a break and chitchat, and from being a strict ma'am i became a nice ma'am who let the students in when they came late, gave them attendance even when they missed it, stopped teaching a little early and let them talk and we even discussed about 3 idiots. I heard a back bencher even commenting that all my classes need to be on Sunday ( nah,tough luck dude, this is just a one time show, if i need to do so every Sunday then it looses its charm and its just another day)

Hubby came to pick me up, i saw a group of students trying not to look into the car but still wanted a glimpse of the husband:) To know a little more about the teacher, I remembered my college days, i did the same many a times:) We always used to try and find out if a teacher was married, if she had kids and where does she/he live..... Its fun:)

When i came back home i knew i was smiling, happy and content. My day was good, i don't need to crib and i have no complaints about working on a Sunday, because i chose not to crib or feel bad about it. Its in my hands, most of the times? it is, i chose to be happy and i am happy, for a change no outing this Sunday evening, He is out with his friends, and i chose to stay at home with my music and my blog. In the silence of the night there are a few sounds which keep me company. the occassional honking on the road, the cooker vigil in the next house, The lift opening and closing near by, someone is talking on phone and i can hear them laughing, guess on the terrace somewhere, and then i am listening to the song from "Balika vadhu" Amit kumar singing.." Bade acche lagthe hain, ye darthi, ye ambar....."

Life is simple and i wish it remains the same, and the day it won't, i will try and make it simple. Today is one day where i learnt with exp, "Its my choice to smile and be happy" I wish the wish comes true.
Have a wonderful week ahead people:)

"Dil ki Kalam se"

I guess she still hopes to see Raja again, Never been alone from the day we brought her home, Raja was her hero, her partner and the one whom she followed everywhere and now she is all over the house searching for him. But i guess in last two months she got used to his absence but then at times there is that look on her face which shows the loneliness. I wish death never happens but i know its a bitter truth and we all have to live with it. I only hope to be a little more stronger and accept this truth. Cannot let it break me down so badly.

15yrs of friendship and a small argument and i heard a line from a dear friend saying "we are not asking you people to leave, we want a separate state, you can live here if you want" and it made me speechless. Stung like a bee, who am i? Coming from one of the most fertile region is my mom and dad from one of the most backward region and i am born and brought up in Hyderabad.Settled in Bangalore, so where do i belong to? Regionalism took way the faith in a 15yr old relationship. Hurt and angry, i don't want to take calls from him. Don't know if i am wrong but for now, i feel much better to be away from arguments about division of states:)

Hubby is in Hyd, been home alone past three days, it feels so good and i also realized something, When he is away i miss him and when he is at home i always crib and argue with him (well, not always) When at home he doesn't talk much but when he is out of town he will sure call every few hrs to know if i am OK and if i had my food.Brings a smile, strange relation this one, says nothing but makes you feel so special yet.

He is bringing this plant(Radha manoharam) from amma's garden, holding it in a box and keeping it on the berth in the train, because i love the feel of having a plant from home,to make me feel a part of the place i grew up in.

I am happy, i know its not easy for him to do all this, the one who travels only with his laptop and minimum luggage and prefers a flight most of the time, not easy to bring plants, fruits and veggies and home made sweets and my sarees and random list of purchases which i demand from amma and MIL. He will crib but he will bring them all, in a train, missing his precious sleep and when i am opening all those packets he sits there silently, listening to me, not understanding half of the importance of each little thing there but still trying to understand the emotions. Thanku Sri:)

New year, new hopes and i wish half of them to turn to reality. Winter is fading away slowly, The morning sun brings nice warm feeling and my garden is in bloom.Roses and hibiscus which i use for the morning puja and the sunlight early in the morning covering my kitchen utility and the the smell of incense sticks and the smell of strong coffee, the vibrant colors of nature all around and silence in the house,
I thank god for the peace and for the hope. I don't believe in resolutions but i promise myself about a few things. One, i will continue blogging, it helps and second, I won't let the weaker me take over my strength, i wont let myself hurt so much that ----------, i wont let anybody play with my emotions, Simply stating, i won't let anyone make me cry easily and i wont loose my patience. And yes, one last but most imp for me, I will accept life as it comes to me:)
Cheers, have a wonderful Monday morning all of you. Thank you for all the comments in the last post, means alot to me. Makes me happy, makes me smile and makes me write:)

I am listening to "Phoolon Ke Rang Se Dil Ki Kalam Se Tujhko Likhi Roz Paati, Kaise Bataaoon Kis Kis Tarah Se Pal Pal Mujhe Tu Sataati, Tere Hi Sapne Lekar Ke Soya Teri Hi Yaadon Mein Jaaga,Tere Khayaalon Mein Uljha Raha Yoon Jaise Ki Maala Mein Dhaaga" from Prem pujari. Heard it before? if not go and listen to it. One of the most beautiful songs:)