Tuesday, March 28, 2006

When words fail silence takesover,I have so much to say but then i have no idea how to express it.Happiness is knocking the door and i invited it in with open arms,but then this moment,this very second i suddenly feel so empty,I keep staring at the darkness outside.
Memories try to takeover my thoughts and i am tensed,i dont want to go through it all again,But i felt helpless at that moment,how do i comeout of it,tried to wade through the darkness,the sky is empty and far off i see a lone twinkling star,
and i hear a sound,of the lucky bells hanging there,making their presence felt,Sounds suddenly fill in the place,
My phone starts ringing,the special tune "pal bhar mein ye kya hogay,woh main gayi woh mann gaya......." and I knew it was you,only you,and i reachout eagerly,and the smiles are back,the light seems to fill in the place and memories fade away into the darkness outside and my heart is again filled with the glow of happiness and i drift off into dreams again....With you.......of tomorrow,i know you will be with me:)

A song which i am listening to past two days and which is one of my favourite from the loooooooong list of songs which i remember:)

kaa karoon sajanii, aaye na balam
khoj rahii hai.n piyaa paradesii a.nkhiyaan aaye na baalam
jab bhii koii, aahat hoe,
manavaa moraa bhaage
dekho kahiin,
TooTe nahin, prem ke ye dhaage

ye matavaarii preet hamarii
chupe na chupaae
saavan ho tum main hun tori badariyaa aaye na baalam,
kaa karoon
bhor bhai aur, saanjh Dhalii re,
samay ne lii angadaii
ye jag saaraa,
neend se haaraa,
mohe neend na aaii
main ghabaraauun,
Dar Dar jaaun
aye vo na aae
raadha bulaae kahaa.N khoe ho kanhaiyyaa
aae na baalam, kaa karuu.N

Happy UGADI,The new year for south Indians, UGADI SHUBHAKANKSHALU. Let the new year be filled with wonderful days ahead,let the days be lighted with a mix of emotions and let smiles prevail and pain fade away. Happiness to one and all.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


The wait continues,I know the result can be anything,
but for now i am enjoying the light of HOPE,
which shows me a new path,
filled with lot of happiness and smiles,The journey is unknown,
but when there is someone to hold my hand and take me down the road,
into an Unknown future,I am ready to walk with you,
Will you be mine forever?

teri woh raftaar ho,roke se bhi tu na ruke
haasil kar aaisa shikhar,parbat ki bhi nazrein uthe

udd jaaye leke khushi,apne sang tujhko waha
jannat se mulaqaat ho,puri ho teri har dua
aashaayein khile dil ki,ummeedein hase dil ki
ab mushkil nahi kutch bhi,nahi kutch bhi
kutch aaisa karke dikha,khud khush ho jaaye khuda
aashaayen khile dil ki
ummeedein hase dil ki
ab mushkil nahi kutch bhi
nahi kutch bhi

From the movie Iqbal

It bends,it twists,it sometime hides,but rarely does it break,It sustains us when nothing else can.

Friday, March 17, 2006


New hopes,New found smiles,sounds covering up the long drawn silence,the first ray of light peeping in from the closed windows,the long dark night giving away to a new day,And a New life filled with dreams,will it all be mine? Someone knocking at the doors of lonliness, i know i am waiting for it from long,for the sounds,for the bright sunshine,for a new lease of life,for a smile to brighten up my heart,will it be mine?.
Uncertainities again,Clouds looming over the bright sunshine,i am scared,i am not sure if i am excited,but some corner i know i waited for long........will it be mine,the beautiful life? Wish all the questions had answers:)

I remember a few words written long back,i copy them here again.maybe because i relate to them alot,and i want to make them a part of alapana.

"I Keep staring into the silence of the night,I keep listening to the sounds of the silence,I try to play with words but end up in silence,I try to hold a moment in my hands,but it just slips away...The sands of time goes far far away from me,I have no choice but to walk along,Smiling at the waves of emotions shattering to 100 peices on the rocks,I smile because the waves keep coming back,Just like HOPE,and i go on..Flow with the wind,Sing with the birds around,Across the boarders,forgetting the boundaries,Catch me if you can,Before you try i slip off to the far off land. I have to catch that first drop of rain,I haveto touch the first Ray of sun,I have to feel the smell of the freshly drenched Earth,i need to feel the softness of the first petal of the rose,I have to move on,I keep walking off to the far far away grounds,And today i know someone is waiting for me there.....

Sunday, March 12, 2006


I thought about for a week almost and today decided that i would put it up here,at my blog,i wont let it be there in the dark as most of us women are taught in this country.No,i was not taught so,thanks ma. Being a single parent she always made sure to give the best to me,i remember how frustrated i was on the first day of my early morning class where i had to walk a km to get into a bus,where as lot of girls whom i knew came with their fathers.
I still remember the night when i went to her in tears saying that "someone was teasing me in the bus" and i asked her to come with me the next day and she said "I will sure come with you tomorrow,then day after,but one day i might not,then what will you do? Its easy to be like a creeper,always needing support to stand high and tall,Do you want to be one like that? the choice is absolutely yours"
5yrs of my college life,and now in my career,i dont remember a day when i got scared of walking through dark lanes or facing guys who had fun at the cost of a girls modesty,i never got scared to handle someone when they crossed the limits.But still most of the times i just felt helpless at the first instance of facing it,and so sure it happened last week.
When i wrote the last lines of this post people thought i am just talking about the darkness in life,No, THAT NIGHT sure was terrifying.
University campus is all busy in the morning but by evening you are always greeted with silence mostly with the depts closed and buses occassionally stopping at nearly empty stages of Ladies hostel,Arts college,VC's offce and so on.....

Working till 9.30pm was not new,that too valauation of exam papers goes on till late in the night,and when i got out of the branch i was greeted with a darklane minus street lights,and the nearest auto stand was almost 10min walk,and it was drizzling,The darkness never frightens me,but i did a mistake,of putting on my earphones and was busy listening to songs on my mobile,it never occured that i was stopping myself from being alert to any sounds,
i dint care,i could see the lights far off on the main road.Kept walking humming to myself,sometimes Gutfeelings help,and with me,it always does,Dont know what made me turn back at the right instance and even before i turned completley i could feel two hands holding me and i just couldn see anything for a few seconds maybe in the shock.
struggling to breath i tried to push the person away from a tight grip, I couldn think,but i have to,if i have to survive i need to,one side of the road is all covered with large trees and if he gets successful dragging me then even i cannot help myself,And i could feel his hands trying to cover my mouth,But i was not screaming,maybe it never occured to me that i can scream,all i concentrated was in my hands and with one last effort i punched on his face,
and he just moved a few inches away from me,and i dont know if i was angry,helpless or frustrated,but next came my leg hitting him hard to the ground,i dont know how many times i kicked him,but my neck was hurting with his grip and i knew he was bleeding,and then i heard the whistle from a guard running towards me,all i remember is suddenly i was free and someone running away fast with the guard asking me if i was fine.
My ear ring was missing,my gold chain was safe,so was my mobile,and i was alive,with a few bruises on my neck,and i was not in a shock but i was desperate for a glass of water.I dint want to talk,i just got into the auto and gave him the address,for next 30 min i was helping myself to calm down.
Got inside and greeted my mom with a smile,No,i dint tell her about it,Why? because i know tomorrow she wont be able to escort me through another darklane,i have to face it again and again and i know i can.But when i got into my room,closed the door,there came the tears,of anger,frustration,helplessness.Will it ever stop? What level of awareness will help those thousands of victims that being silent wont help?
Yes,i have been a victim before also,it wont help keeping silent,fight back,and all you need is the willpower to live and live with Dignity.
I walked on the same lane the other day,and with an effort and complaints to the higherups now there are a few more guards and i saw the electric lights glowing in the night.
I was smiling,Because i know now someone else who tries the same lane to walk past the darkness wont be scared,they are safe,but i hope they are careful and I hope they Fight back if a need arises. No one will help you unless you do it yourself,Try,Its not easy,but its not impossible.

If you are sure you might leave me in the middle of the journey called life,if you are sure you dont mean what you say,if you use word friends just for the heck of it,if you cannot feel the pain i go through,if you cannot understand the reason for my tears,If you promise but never fulfill them,
if you need me only to talk about your life,you need me only to solve your problems,If you need me because you are interested in a casual relationship,if you talk to me to know how i look ,If you have an idea of beauty associated only with physical structure,if you have an idea of backing off anytime from the words you use,If for you the word FRIEND is just a 6letter word which you use for fun,then Backoff,You have no place in my life.

I am tired of people,i am tired of those who just vanish whenever they feel like,and i am left hurt and bitter.Now,I dont need people in my life,i need myself,and i have a small world filled with very few people who make me believe that Life is beautiful,I want to live there without looking back at the ugly side which i experienced past few years.
Thankyou to people who showed me such side and made me realise that World is sure a circus filled with lot of jokers,its upto you to laugh at them or ignore them,I choose to ignore.
Alapana is faceless,so anyone in future would want to contact her there would be no physical appearence of the person associated,She just writes here,you can admire her words,beyond that donot pry into my life,dont get disappointed and hurt me in the process. Thankyou to someone who made me learn this valuable lesson in the recent past. Now JUST...........


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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

That Night

Silence,I like this word a lot,maybe i am mostly silent in my own world,busy or free,with people around or with myself,I am mostly silent and i enjoy doing so.I love that confusion on others faces when they see me smiling to myself,or humming to myself.maybe i am more comfortable talking to myself most of the time. I keep rephrasing words,thoughts and at times silence . All in all i love my solitude.

Busy asusual,and in the evening the University campus gets very beautiful,and specially when it starts raining,acres of land filled with trees and as the sun goes down the silence starts filling the place,standing there i keep watching nature making its way into my busy life.Working there late in the night made me realise that i feel so good because i love the surroundings,I like the place for its trees,for its silence mostly,for people who talk in hushed tones while valuating the papers, occassionally nodding at a few seniors,waving a hand to a few colleuges i go on working there till 9pm daily.

Tiny drops of water fall on my feet and i keep playing with them,try to wipe them off but they keep coming again and again,its cold and wet ground and water all around and a bird is soaking itself in the rain,sitting on the top branch,i can hear the sounds.the pitterpatter of raindrops on the wet ground,occassional sounds from the bird flapping its wet wings.sat there for a long time.sometimes silence says somuch. well,it does,when u know that u r talking to u r self....isnt it?
walking backinside i noticed the mist formed on the glasspanes and i wrote my name on it....some things never change....i know that for sure.Recollected a few words..........

just want to let go for onceJust for a minute, I want to be weakJust now, I wish I wasn't me in this life in this worldJust this time, I want so much to shatter into a tho'usand splintersJust for once, I wish there was no strength or compassion or realism or pride in meBut just tears....only tears..... And its raining now…The sky cries for me…assuring me, silently, embracing me in its steady rhythm. Somewhere, somehow, something makes sense.

Its dark and its time to go home,close the windows to the world which i live and put on mask of smiles and walk into the world filled with people,it feels good to be here,i wish i could say the same with your world dear god,I feel suffocating,maybe i am not still used to masks covered on their faces,they scare me,but i still walk towards the light,because i always learnt to fight back,I did,Yesterday night,while walking past a darklane,i wish i could talk about it to someone,but thats when i realised.........Not many who would listen to,not many who are around,not many who are not busy,and then i remembered you my dear blog,so i put it here,to remember to come back and read this entry when darkness scares me again,that night.......which scared me,to remember that i survived.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Music as always is a part of me,Myself,My blog:)

karoge yaad to, har baat yaad aayegee,
gujarate wakt kee,

har mauj thhahar jaayegee
galee ke mod pe, sunaa saa koee darawaajaa,
tarasatee aankho se,

rastaa kisee kaa dekhegaa
nigaah door talak, jaa ke laut aayegee

fir chhidee raat baat fulon kee,
raat hain yaa baaraat fulon kee

ful ke haar, ful ke gajare,shaam fulon kee,
raat fulon kee

e mahakatee huyee gajal makhadum,
jaise seharaa me, raat fulon kee


Dikhayi Diye Yoon Ke Bekhudh Kiya
Humein Aapse Bhi Judaa Kar Chale
Jabhi Sajda Karte Hi Sarse Gayi
Haq-E-Bandigi Hum Ada Kar Chale
Parastish Kiya Tak Ke Aye But Tujhe
Nazar Mein Saboki Khuda Kar Gaye

Raat Dhalne Lagi Bujh Gaye Hain Diye
Raah Takte Hain Hum Jaane Kiske Liye

Koi Aahat Nahin Raahen Sunsaan Hain
Arzoo Ke Nagar Saare Veeraan Hain
Kya Karen Hum Sochke Hum Bhi Hairaan Hain
Is Tarah Kitne Din Kis Tarah Hum Jiyen
Raah Takte Hain Hum Jaane Kiske Liye...

Aate Jaate Khubsurat Awara Sadkon Pe
Kabhi Kabhie Ittefaq Se
Kitne Anjaan Log Mil Jaatein Hain
Unn Mein Se Kuch Log Bhool Jaatein Hain
Kuch Yaad Reh Jaate Hain
Unn Mein Se Kuch Log Bhool Jaatein Hain
Kuch Yaad Reh Jaate Hain

abhee alawidaa mat kaho dosaton,
jaane kahaa fir mulaakaat ho
beete huye lamahon kee kasak saath to hogee,
khwaabon hee mein ho chaahe, mulaakaat to hogee
ye saath gujaare huye,
lamahaata kee daulat jajabaat kee daulat
ye khayaalaat kee daulat

kuchh paas naa ho paas ye saugaat to hogee
singer :Mahendra Kapoor,Movie..Nikaah

"too is tarah se meree jindagee mein shaamil hain,
jahaan bhee jaaoo ye lagataa hain teree mahafil hain,
ye aasamaan ye baadal ye raasate ye hawaa
har yek cheej hain apanee jagah thhikaane se,
kaee dinon se shikaayat naheen jamaane se,
ye jindagee hain safar, too safar kee manjil hain

liye sapane nigAhon mein, chalA hun teri rAhon mein,
zindagI aa rahA hUN main ,
kaI yaadon ke chehare hain,

kaI kisse purAne hain
terI sau dAstAnen hain, tere kitane fasAne hain ,
magar ek vo kahAnI hai, jo ab mujhako sunAnI hai,
zindagI aa raha hun main "

"pal bhar me.n ye kyaa ho gayaa ,
vo main gaI vo mann gayaa ,

chunarii kahe sun rii pavan ,
saavan aayaa ab ke saajan ,

din bhar, mujhe yuu.n, sataae
tum bin ab to rahaa nahii.n jaae "

ye kyaa jagah hai dosto ye kaun saa dayaar hai
had e nigaah tak jahaan Gubaar hii Gubaar hai
ye kis mukaam par hayaat mujh ko leke aa gaii
na bas Khushii pe hai jahaan na Gam pe iKhtiyaar hai

tamaam umr kaa hisaab maangthii hai zindagi
ye meraa dil kahe to kyaa ye Khud se sharmsaar hai
bulaa rahaa kyaa koi chilamanon ke us taraf
mere liye bhii kyaa koi udaas beqaraar hai

kahiin duur jab din Dhal jaae
saanjh kii dulhan badan churaae
chupake se aae
mere Kayaalon ke aangan mein
koii sapanon ke deep jalaae, deep jalaae
kahiin duur....


jab dard nahiin thaa siine mein,
kyaa Kaak mazaa thaa jiine mein
ab ke shaayad ham bhii royen saavan ke mahiine mein
jab dard nahiin thaa....
yaaro kaa Gam kyaa hotaa hai,
maaluum na thaa anjaanon ko
saahil pe kha.De hokar aksar ,
dekhaa hamane tuufaanon ko
ab ke shaayad dil bhii Duube,maujon ke safiine mein
jab dard nahiin thaa .....

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