Sunday, January 07, 2007

Ek roj zindagi ke ru baru aa baithe

"Ek roj zindagi ke ru-baru aa baithe...
Zindagi ne poocha..dard kya hai..? Kyun hota hai..?
Kahan hota hai, yeh bhi toh pata nahi chalta....
Tanhai kya hai aakhir...?
Kitne log toh hain...fir tanha kyun ho...?
Mera chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha...
main tumhari judwa hun...mujhse naaraz na hua karo...!!
Film--Masoom.
Pic courtesy:Deviant art
Got a two line mail from a stranger today, a line in there goes something like "I dont know what the feeling is,but i really dont want to know it" It happens so many times isnt it,Not everything can be expressed in words,Not everything can have logics in life,no reasons needed,it just happens,and let it be what it is,a formless,wordless Expression,No nouns or verbs matter there,Language wouldn be a hinderance,feel it,its expressed,oh,very well expressed,but can you feel it? I can,I do,thats why Expressions of Silence do matter to me.

A smile at a stranger,a thankyou mumbled silently at a simple gesture which goes unheard, a silent prayer at the temple with no particular wish, a walk through the lanes where i grew up, an awkward hello to a neighbour whim i knew for more than 20yrs now,sitting in the kitchen varandah with the plate of Uttappam and coconut chutney early morning counting those red roses and coconuts in the garden,
mom fussing over me as if i have been away from her all my life,pampering which i never needed or was not given much when i was growing up here mostly because it was dicipline at that time,sitting in once up on my bedroom with mom,bro and my two fur brats and dozing off only to be awaken by the windchimes playing a soothing music,

talking about all the changes which took place in the house from last eight months,from the time i left this house to make my own sweet home,Whole day was spent in talking,i was giving her suggestions on how to maintain kitchen,yeah,I was telling her who managed everything single handedly all her life,New found independence of doing everything my way surely got on to my head i guess,but she was not annoyed,she was smiling and she said she will tryout,sarees,gold to promotions and new recipies,gossip and music,everything was to be shared,and there was so little time,Mom missed her afternoon nap.

I know she is trying to make most of the time i am giving her,i felt guilt building up in my heart,She who gave us all her life today craves for our time,did i get so busy with my life that now i count time in hours and min when i am with her?

And when the time came to leave she was still searching for and packing things she was storing for me all these days 'that small flower basket which she wanted to give me,those sweets she made,that shawl she brought from Mussorie,"but mom,i dont like sweets, i wont use this shawl" I cut the words before they came out.

I will taste those sweets which she packed in a small steel tiffin box,i will use that shawl which has embroidary on it,i will use the basket on my dining table,and i will use all her love as my strength and start a new life at a new place soon,I know she will be happy when she knows i am happy in my little world.

But in all this i wanted to say something to her,i wanted to hug her,but both of us are not used to expressing our affection on face,i wish i could,Everyone says i am good with words,but today when i had to say it to her i was silent,I just waved at her and smiled,she was standing there till she could catch a glimpse of me while i travelled back to my own life,But mom i still want to say "I love you the most"

16 comments:

starry nights said...

Beautiful post.Reminded me of my time with my mother.I also did not hug her and say I love you.I should have.sometimes it is hard to say and do things.I wish I could turn back the clock and have that time with her again.You are a nice daughter and I am sure your mom will treasure the moments you spent with her.

d4u said...

As time moves on, we tend to become less expressive.

@$#!$# said...

:-)

Tulan said...

I guess everyone loves their parents but they cant show it for some reason. nice to read your post again. Hope u get a chance to use all the things she gave you with so much love

Coffee said...

Thats a beautiful post :)

Stone said...

Read this twice, pehli baar got lost after reading 'Uttapam n coconut chutney' :-(
Seems that its been ages since I had some!
****

Ur blog is a reminder, and more or less a very timely reminder!!

Take good care!!

Keshi said...

I always hug my mum...all the time. She gets annoyed too LOL! But I do it anyways. I miss my dad so much...altho I hugged him alot when he was alive, I was too little to say all the things I wanted to say...and I regret that. So now I say I LOVE U to my mum whenever I feel it. I know she knows that too :)

Lovely post Alapana!

Keshi.

Eroteme said...

Zee problem with me ees zaat I don't let moi mom out of sight long enough to mees her. Maybe I should try eet sometime soon...

Very touching post though. Go spend a few weeks with her, girl.

Anonymous said...

Hi Alpana,
I'm just a passerby;still felt like posting- even if you are not used to it do tell your mother that you love and miss her;even if you feel awkward at first(there are always firsts for everything). See,time and tide wait for none .......

Alapana said...

Lalitha,thanku,I want to be her strength,as i always have been and i hope to do so,always,no matter where i am,somehow these days i am missing her too much,maybe that i am going to go to a new city soon and wont be able to reach her in an hour as i do now.

d4u,sad but true,how i wish i was what i was as a kid,things were so easy then,expressing was never a problem then.

Alapana said...

Tulan,i am already using all the things she gives me,just that i feel iam unable to give lot of time to her and she when i see her hiding her disappointment then i feel really bad and guilty,i hope things change soon,for that i need to change first:)

coffee,thanku.

Alapana said...

Stoneji,aise hi hota hain na humesha,hum jab dhoor hote hain zindagi ki choti si khushiyon se thab humne yaad unki bahuth bechain kardethi hain. :)

Keshi,thats lovely my dear girl,expressing love is a beautiful way of letting our loved ones know that we care and we love them.

Alapana said...

eroteme,unfortunately my husband was not ready to be a ghar jamai and neither did my mom wanted a ghar jamai and even more unfortunate in this country is that a girl needs to move out of her own house when she gets married,so even i so wish not to be away from my mom i have to:)

Anon,thanku,i will try:)

Alapana said...

Ashish :)

mommyof2 said...

nice post:-) Im the same way too.. actually at emotional times I try to put hard shell around me.. But people you love know what your real feelings are even without the hugs. so don't worry, your mom knows you love her so much:-)

Anonymous said...

Nice thought
"Not everything can be expressed in words,Not everything can have logics in life,no reasons needed,it just happens"

It happens with everybody. We humans behave differently to same situations. Even a single person behaves/think differently to an event (say giving money to a bagger). , but that’s why we are humans not machines

 

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