Sweet Home

Edited to Add:) I will be back in another week,i am able to read all the blog from my phone but not able to comment and i will get back my connection in another weeks time..so stay tuned. and thank you for the mails, i will be back soon.

It just came out while talking to a friend "You are talking about getting attached to a person, someone who can think, feel and reciprocate, I realized yesterday that i am attached to this house which cannot express anything also" and now when i think of it i know how it feels, Just 14 months back i walked into this house, empty, as if waiting for us to complete it, i started my journey of knowing a city, knowing a new person, a new job, new lifestyle and new everything from this house, The walls saw us laughing, fighting, saw the silence, the tears and the growing attachment and then we are leaving,
I don't know why i am feeling so empty, i just don't know why i am feeling so sad leaving this house, i always kept cribbing that there is no balcony, that there are no neighbors to talk to, that there is no enough light and that i cannot look at the sky and now we are moving into our House.

home sweet home, which we bought with our own money, for which we saved,we planned,we compromised and then the day the priest said its auspicious time and that we can enter into the house we felt nervous,so many people around and so many rituals and we both were standing there, held our hands and walked in,into every room, soaking in the feeling,as if we were asking the walls to recognize us,as if we were making acquaintances,we are excited,of shifting there now, where i don't need to worry if a lock is not working or if the paint is coming off or if the shower broke,i am not answerable to the owner,i don't need to be cautious and most of all,its my house,the one which i always dreamed of.

But then i don't know why i am feeling sad about leaving, it just doesn't go away,the feeling of emptiness, i feel as if i am loosing a part of me, why so much attachment to a house? to a rented house? to something which i don't own?
Strange, when people are redefining or finding the reasons or logics and answers to the relations with parents, love and friends in this world i am worried about leaving a rent house, but then thats how i am, and i am just fine as i am.
Tomorrow by this time i will be sorting things in our house, i will be away from blog world for sometime,till i get a net connection there. Will miss this place,well,not many come here now, but those who do, i will be back soon.

"ye din jo aaye"

Its silent and it usually is,the apartments,the corridors and the surroundings are always silent here,all i can hear at times is doors being opened or closed, And today a friend asked how i am spending my vacation and i said "Eating,sleeping, movies and blogging" and she said "wow,sounds good" I just asked myself, does it really sound good?
Is this how vacation is spent,was it not different when i was a kid. When i dint have a mobile or internet or dvd player? It used to be fun when we finished the last day of exam and knowing how every friend is going to some place, nana nani or mausi's house.And i went to my village, that small village and there i had a smile, or laughter.when was the last time we all laughed out loud, screemed and ran, yes,when was the last time we ran and played without the fear of getting hurt and were covered in dust and sand and sweat but had no fear of hygiene?

When was the last time i woke up the sound of temple bells in the vishnu alayam and shivalayam in that small village,and then there were other sounds, the servants taking the tractors and bullock carts to the fields and someone sweeping the huge aangan and another putting rangoli and where we all cousins just there in the bed looking around,pulling and pushing each other, and then brushing our teeth with a neem stem, we ran to play, yeah,at six am we played, at the banks of the river flowing slowly,not much water there and we just jumped into it from the tree branches near by.No fear or no one to scold and someone walking on the bridge would recognize us "ha haa, Came from Hyderabad isn't it,how is your mom and which class are you in and my cousins would proudly announce it all"

Playing to the hearts content we went home, only when we realized we were hungry, took bath near the coconut tree where a huge tub made of cement had cold water in it and the hibiscus flowers falling from the near by branches,we would scream, fight and finish the bath and then sat in the kitchen, down,on the floor with peddamma serving idlis and loads of ghee and we gleefully tell her stories, she always thought we were thin and held mom responsible for it and we,we just glowed in her love and affection.

Play time again, paaleru or the servants are back from fields to take food for others and we follow them,two km,we just walk to the fields and there it was time for fun again, sitting on the buffaloes {yes,i did} and running in the sugarcane fields we drank coconut water and ate mangoes. scotching heat but it just dosn't make us feel bad,we are having fun and we did it wholeheartedly. came home for lunch and then the discipline starts, peddamma never allowed to play after lunch,she scolded always to sleep and we did sleep,under the huge banyan tree, with those folded beds and played,yes,we sang and we played with five stones or ashta chemma, pacchis and other games, me and my brother were the king and queen whom other children would treat as,we came from Hyderabad you see:)

and the evening arrives with such beauty, "godhulivela" A beautiful word in Telugu which means that time of the evening when all the cows are returning from the fields with bells ringing which are tied to their necks,and the dust raised from the walk tries to match with the red orange sunset over the water,the dust from that red and black clay mud, And there was a mile stone in front of the river and i stand there,kids jumping into the water from that bridge built over the river,it joins two sides of a village, the other side which i can see from this end,but to reach i need to either swim or walk on that bridge,the one which was built 70yrs back.
Time for dinner,Dinner,i smile,the image of very hot rice and mango pickle,ghee, sambhar and vadiyalu or papad as we call and then curd with rock salt and lemon pickle makes me so hungry.the lanterns are lit in all the rooms,the beds are being made outside the side varandah,white bedsheets and pillows and hand fan if it gets too hot,but its never hot in summer also.

jasmines and roses and hibiscus blooming allover and there are not many sounds now,the river looks serene,i keep watching the ripples and the moonlight falling on it and slowly fall asleep,i was not busy but still tired,i dint work much but still very hungry,i dint have a blog or TV but i still feel satisfied,i dint call anyone from my mobile,but i feel as if i chatted the whole day,I have had such a wonderful day,that day,sometime back,or was it long back when i was there?

"Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii.."

"..Pooche jo koi.."

There are times when you just don't feel like doing anything,well at 2am in the night there are very few choices you have but still, Thats the time when i just kept staring at the darkness with a song playing in the background. A song which never got a mention here at this blog.
But its been with me past two years, it was a ring tone and a caller tune on my phone and i had friends who kept calling on my phone just to listen to the song. I wanted to hate the song,I wanted to forget it, maybe because it brought back memories, of someone, of a time when everything looked so perfect and so beautiful, of those nights when I could hear a laughter, where there were promises,there were dreams and this song always played in the background,most of the times there was silence between two people but the song always played.

And one day everything ended, Anger took over, pain became a soul mate, hurt and left alone just wanted to erase memories, of the beauty, of the promises, of the laughter and i started deleting songs, tearing off the cards, throwing off the gifts, burning those pages from the diary, did everything,or did I? I deleted the song as my caller tune, as my ring tone, forgot the song or so i thought. But well, I tried erasing something which was etched in my heart forever, we can move on but forget anything, Still, I kept trying..
Memories come back to you in a flash of the moment, just like that,Isn't it? And tonight it just came back to me just like that,the song, the lyrics and made me wonder, do I hate the song? hate the memories? and somewhere the answer i knew came up to me, NO, i no longer hate anything, the song or the memories....they are a part of my living. Got back to the song, downloaded it but i am still trying to put it back as my caller tune, hope i can do so..
Sometimes simple things bring back such peace in life, maybe its time i made peace with a past which i left far away...... For now i am lost in the music, in the darkness of the night i just close my eyes and move into the distant land of dreams, drift away into the beauty....."Pooche jo koi,meri nishani,rang hina likhnaa,gore badan pe ungli se mera naam adaa likhna......."

..Maine Dil Se Kaha....

3PM,Its raining and the wind and rain are playing their game and and both are not ready to give up,the windows are still open and the rain drops are hitting me fast but the gush of happiness which comes along with it is priceless. "na hai yeh pana, na khona hi hai,tera na hona jane, kyun hona hi hai,tum se hi din hota hai, surmaiye shaam aati, tumse hi, tumse hi,har ghadi saans aati hai, zindagi kehlati hai..." Another beautiful song from Jab we met" Some days it just feels so perfect. you wakeup to the sounds of tinkering bells and silence all around and reminding you that there are no deadlines to follow,you need not rush to work by 8am, Nothing,no planner for the day and no lunch pack or water bottles and purse to search and rush before you get late.No need to smile if you don't want to and no need to answer if you choose not to.

No cooking, doesn't mind, the bread and butter seriously sounds delicious when you are lazy to fix yourself the usual breakfast. Just lying in that huge bed you can read the newspaper,send the sms to as many people you want and make all those calls to friends which get postponed most of the days. And in no time your best friend,your laptop finds a place in your bed to the added list of a mobile,the headphones, a water bottle,a Ulta Perk and a diary and a pen and the newspaper along with you. Complete bliss, everyone around must have gone to offices but you,you have all the free time in the world.

You make a few friends jealous by telling them about your summer vacation and wonder louds how people work without any holidays:) and then you find a fellow blogger and seriously discuss music, and the beautiful." ore piya....." sung by Rahat fateh Ali khan comes to mind. The songs continue and so does the time,but i am not worried about the day coming to an end,it just started,there is whole night, like good old days when i just stayed awake,reading,writing,listening to music,watching the sky, and it feels so right, For one whole month i just have so many things to do and the required time also...Life is good:)
Do you remember the song "Nai lagtha tere bina dil mera,sajnaa abhi ja" from the movie waise bhi hota hain, sometimes random choice of songs in real player throws in a surprise to my delight. Let me soak myself in the colors of music and the rain,the house is still silent and the good times continue.

If anyone finds it difficult to read the blog do let me know:) and lot of changes to be made to the blogroll too...

..........Yeh Mulaaqat..........

"kasak uthi mere mann mein piya, mujhe gale lagaale ,gale lagaalein, jiya dhadkaalein, sapno ke apne sajaale,piya piya o re piya, jiya o re jiya ,tu meri jindagi jahaan tu mera mann wahaan,duniya se kya waasta, tu hi mera saara jahaan tu" What a beautiful rendering and what surprises me is the voice is of Anand Raj Anand.Been listening to the same song past two days. Yup its been two days since the famous and exciting and ever waiting summer vacation started and at last i have a real break after one year. And what a way to start the vacation,on the last day i wished all my colleagues a happy vacation and got into auto and happily singing away and with the widest and brightest of smile headed home,Auto driver had different ideas for me,he just broke a traffic signal and in a hurry to cross over banged into a Maruti car,wow,superb way to start the vacation.
No,i dint break any hand or leg or even my head but I almost broke my back,so three days all i did was to get different X rays and taking different sized and shaped pills to kill the pain and to the rub the salt on the wound an unsuspecting and innocent soul sent me an sms at 10pm saying Hi,i know you must be having a rocking time" Well.....indeed rocking:((
Last year I wrote a post and he added his version. But this year i myself have no interest to write or to celebrate{too busy with the new house} but then its one occasion which sure changed my life,forever. Its been two years, two years since i got married and well we both are still sane and together, May 7th,7am,2006. :) Ye mulaaqat ek bahaana hain,pyar ka silsila purana hain...main hoon apni sanam ki bahoon mein,mere kadmon thale zamaana hain" Happy wedding anniversary Husband:)
I did not update the blog for various reasons past one month, like having a House warming ceremony and the house being filled with relatives of all sorts and being under the same roof with MIL and Mom for a week, and the biggest news is that there was nothing to write,i just dint feel like writing anything,I still read all the blogs,daily,but then writing a post was difficult and i just let it be.At least this is the only place where i can follow my heart and be myself,so i will write when the thoughts flow and the words form into a shape.
100th post, When i wrote at Akruti there were 267 posts by the time i closed it in about two and half years.When i started writing again i dint even know if i would continue but i did,and its been two and half years and a 100 posts today. And i know i won't stop writing ,Lots to say,lots to share and the blog will stay. People come and people go,but those few who still come here,read through,smile,feel,comment and sometimes silent,known or unknown,thanks to all of you,Alapana is here to stay.