You're Missed! ! !

Its been a long time when i got free by 6pm,and its been long since i was not in front of the pc at that time,But today i dint want to be here,online,so i chose to sort out some of my files and while doing so i found this,stuck in between some cards,faded and looking lost,I remember the person who gave it to me long long back,10years back a dear friend gave it to me,today he is far off in USA making his life,busy with family.

but the thought of him makes me smile,the occassional phonecalls, mails and visits makes my memories more brighter and cheerful. What would be life without these people whom i call friends? Tough i would say.
But today i am almost silent,everyone being busy with their own life i hardly get to talk to anyone,my inbox has no new mails mostly,my mobile doesnt ring as often as it used to do,and my sms count came down to a single digit no. from a thousand. They all care,i care for them all too,but we dont have time,and how much ever i try to convince myself with that theory at times,times like today,It hurts,feels lonely, Miss you all,those who are silent,those who are away,those who are busy,Those who care,and those who dont,I miss you all.

Its surprising how often I think of you,
turn to speak to you,
and realize you're not right there
as i expect you to be.
i guess i hold you so close in thought
that its hard to understand sometimes,
that you aren't close in person.
Bit i wanted to let you know
I'm thinking of you,
and wishing we could talk,
and just be together
awhile
You are really missed

My World

Glimpses from my world,Small,Peaceful,Silent mostly,smiles and pain go together here,But end of the day this place makes me belong to it all,i am a part of this world,Filled with my family,friends and nature. My house,the garden,my college where i work and my friends who form a part of my life.

Welcome to My Newly Painted house

My college

Today My dear friend Left this city and i am going to miss her alot,We three and had a wonderful time,pushing back the tears,remembering the good times,laughing and playing around,driving and sharing happy moments,we took a round of the places with which we were associated past so many years:) And in a few hours from now she will be travelling to the other part of the world,and I will miss you my dear.

Your vastness amazes me,it shows the zest for life,and the clouds on a clear day tell me that the pain and tears and fears and insecurities one day will float away,All that remains at the end of it is the vast BLUE SKY.I want to reach you,touch you and say that i have scaled such heights,I feel like rushing to that end of the world where the you touch the Earth,But they say its my Illusion,Is it?
I remember all those days when i just sat there on the terrace and spoke to you at length,shared my thoughts,my ideas and my silence with you,I remember how i rushed to a corner of the house to hide my tears and while i did you were my companion,i couldn hide from you.You always knew me:).
I remember how i slept off on the terrace in the summer nights counting the stars,how the sunrays woke me up to face the mysteries of the day.You have been a part of my life,and you will be forever,I wanted to share a secret with you, you know what ?My name Resembles yours .Yes,My name means "blue sky" Will you be my friend then forever?

"aasaman ke paar shaayad aur koi aasaman hogaa,

baadalo.n ke parbaton par koi baarish kaa makan hogaa
main hawaa ke paron pe kahaan jaa rahaa huun kahaan

kabhii udataa huaa ,kabhii mudataa huaa
meraa raastaa chalaa,o ho ho ho

mai.n hawaa ke paro.n pe kahaa.N jaa rahaa huun kahaan

mere paanv ke tale kii ye zamiin chal rahii hai
kahiin dhuup ThaNDii Thandi,kahin chaanv jal rahii hai
is zamin kaa aur koii aasamaan hogaa
hogaa aasamaan,ho aasamaan hogaa

main hawaa ke paron pe kahaan jaa rahaa huun kahaan

in lambe raaston par sab tez chalate honge
kaai Bheege pannon jaise yahaan din palatate honge
shaam ko bhii subah jaisaa kyaa samaan hogaa
hogaa kyaa samaan,kyaa samaan hogaa

main hawaa ke paron pe kahaan jaa rahaa huun kahaan
aasamaanN ke paar shaayad aur koii aasamaan hogaa

baadalon ke parbaton par koii baarish kaa makaan hoga

ho main hawaa ke paron pe kahaan jaa rahaa huun kahaan

kabhii udataa huaa ,kabhii mudataa huaa
meraa raastaa chalaa

main hawaa ke paron pe kahaaN jaa rahaa huun kahaan

"Kisi mausam ka jhaunka tha
jo is deewar par latki hui tasveer tirchhi kar gaya hai
gaye sawaan mein ye deewarein yoon seeli nahin thi
na jaane is dafa kyun inmein seelan aa gayi hai
darare pad gaye hai aur seelan is tarha baithti hai
jaise khushk rukhsaroon pe geele aansu chalte hain"

Its always a play of so many emotions,its always a play of smiles and tears,its always a play of joy and pain.I keep wondering at the pace of these emotions,i keep wondering the way the expressions change,of words,emotions and at times of Silence,Life,You amaze me always.
My today says the same,if i met you my friend to wish you on the special day i was msiling and you were beaming with Joy,but both of us knew in our hearts that somewhere we are hiding tears,knowing that we are going far from eachother,I know distances dont matter with friends,But still i am going to miss you loads,Today and everyday spent with you last few years were so very wonderful,your words and your hugs when we both couldn say it out but still could feel. I wish you loads of happiness and smiles always:) .Dear Pratima,My best wishes are with you:).

Thankyou to someone who made me smile alot today,thankyou to someone whom i dint see but who made me happy today,To you my friend,I owe my gratitude,to you,i owe my smiles at this hour:)

"ek sapna hain,ek baat hain,Jo kehni thi tumse,par gujar gaya waqt,lamhe jeeliye humne,par lamho ke saat pigalgaya sapna,Sapne tho khogaye gujare lamho ke saat, par zindagi ke rang kabhi kabhi uthar aate hain kore kagaz par,ye jagah,aur uski rangeeniyat aapke naam".

sunate hain ki mil jaatii hai har chiiz duaa se
ek roz tumhe.n maa.Ng ke dekhenge Khudaa se

duniyaa bhii milii hai Gam-e-duniyaa bhii milaa hai
vo kyuu.N nahii.n milataa jise maa.Ngaa thaa Khudaa se

aaiine me.n vo apanii adaa dekh rahe hain
mar jaaye ki jii jaaye koii unakii balaa se

It feels as if if it were yesterday when someone asked "Will you be my Valentine?"

Was it the beautiful night of 14th feb or was it the beautiful sunshine of the same day when i dreamed of a tomorrow with you?

But i have a question,How does it feel to act complete strangers with a person who till yesterday was so important for you? How does it feel to walk off from someone whom you promise whole sky where as all she wanted was a piece of land to stand on and dream?
"Itni badi sheher mein aise tho nahi ki koi mera intezar mein khada ho,aise tho nahi ki koi mere aane ki raah dekhraha ho? {its not like someone is waiting for me in the city filled with lakhs of people,not that someone hopes to meet me"

How would i know that you will be right here,in front of me,In midst of all the noise and in midst of those thousands of people in the railway station when i was walking all alone and how come i just came in face to face with you,Why dint you walk off then? And my legs were refusing to move either,did i hear any sounds then?
No,i guess the place was filled with silence,or was it my heart which got so silent? Did you ask me something? Oh ya "how am i doing" did i answer that? i guess so,Because i did remember some words,how strong was i to keep smiling intact,talking to you without walking off? How was it for you?i know you were not fine being there at that moment,facing me,Strange that i could still feel your reaction,your jaw tightening as when you are in tension,restless but no one can find it.
"Congratulations,when is the engagement?" and i realised my voice was even and not shivering and there was not much to feel, {Is this what is called moving on?}
5min of silence prompted me to say goodbye,There is nothing more to say or hear,isnt it?
Couldn refuse the hand extended in farewell, the warmth and the hold said "Takecare" and mine reciprocated with care and wishes for a wonderful new begining,Maybe not me but with someone whom you will be with.....Forever.
I walked into the railway station and you to the opposite direction,We were always opposite,in everything we did,isnt it.
Each step took forward at that moment was taking me awayfrom you and maybe Towards an unknown destination,Where future begins and Past ends.....Forever,But yes,sometimes whatever we do,certain incidents,certain days and certain people will always be etched in our memories,Isnt it?

ab Khushii hai na ko_ii Gam rulaane vaalaa
hamane apanaa liyaa har rang zamaane vaalaa

us ko ruKhsat to kiyaa thaa mujhe maaluum na thaa
saaraa ghar le gayaa, ghar chhod ke jaane vaalaa

You will be there,forever,A memory which is beautiful like the first ray of the sunshine on the waves of water flowing,trying to touch my feet,going back and leaving me alone,But i keep standing at the shore,waiting for the waves to strike again,Hoping........ Lifes waves hit me again,in the form of smiles and in the form of tears,and i accept it all.
Was it yesterday when someone whispered "Will you be my valentine?"

ai muhabbat tere anjaam pe ronaa aayaa
jaane kyon aaj tere naam pe ronaa aayaa

yuu.N to har shaam ummiidon mein guzar jaatii thii
aaj kuchh baat hai jo shaam pe ronaa aayaa

kabhii taqadiir kaa maatam kabhii duniyaaa kaa gilaa
manzil-e-ishq mein har gaam pe ronaa aayaa

jab huaa zikr zamaane me.n mohabbat kaa 'Shakeel'
mujh ko apane dil-e-naakaam pe ronaa aayaa

WELCOME

After a week of hectic schedule and after working non stop for 19hrs straight today i am free,Oh,atleast i am still trying.Convincing a friend that attending a wedding reception is not so imp as sleeping,it wont be any better than sitting in my room with a book and music:).
Nothing like a sunday filled with colours,of plants,of flowers and of LIFE:)
Stop working somuch,start living" said someone,and made me think,made me write,at times i wonder what makes these words comeout in a few sec,where i dont need to think,all i do is to keep forming my thoughts,shaping them,and when i put a fullstop to the words,there it is,my thoughts shaped into words .........

i am the king,i am the queen,where i keep weaving the clouds of dreams,What to do,what to say to U,i have thousand words for you,just like the stars in the sky,each bright in its own,shining and twinkling,"Dream on" whispers someone,I turnaround to find none,But then where is the breeze coming from? touching me from all sides,making be believe that you are around somewhere,i closed the way to my heart,but how did you come inthen?

Pic courtesy: ME In my Garden

i can feel the freshness of life,i can feel the brightness of the sun,Is it you who broke the walls to my heart? but i built them high and strong,how did you peep in then? "Thats Love my dear" whispered someone again,this time i close my eyes,I dont want to search for you this time,I know you are with in me,i just feel it,with a smile on my lips,with my closed eyes i can feel you around,i can hear the sounds in the silence,sometimes Expressions of silence convey it all which words fail to say.......isnt it? I have no greeting for you,no garlands and high receptions,all i have is a line,which i say it with a smile and with a hope........ "WELCOME BACK LIFE,i have been waiting for you"

itanii muddat baad mile ho
kin soch.n mein gum rahate ho

tez havaa ne mujh se puuchha
ret pe kyaa likhte rahate ho

kaun sii baat hai tum me.n aisii
itane achchhe kyo.n lagate ho

ham se na puuchho hijr ke qisse
apanii kaho ab tum kaise ho

REPLY

"When you smile and ready to share happiness you will find lots of people around you,but when you want to share your pain you will find none,and if you have anyone who can listen to you when you are down then remember you have the best of the friends and you still have a hope to live" I kept reading those lines again and again,Her words always mean somuch,I miss her here with me,She is far off making her life,but she is still the same.
Too many mails but i still am not ready to answer most of them,I know the question there "Why" and here goes my reply.........
"Because that place is overpowering my Identity as an individual,Because i want to get away from people who came into my life,who talked to me,who used the word TRUST and then Vanished,From ME- the individual.
Some who used the word FRIENDS,came into my life,shared all their pain and tears,Used me as a shoulder and one fine morning vanished,
No,not from others,but from ME,WHY? why do they feel guilty? dint they use the word FRIENDS? when they did then why do they have to mvoe away and live with smiles and treat me as a stranger? But they still come back to that place,read what all is written and go back silently.
There was an option for me as suggested by someone "Dont write about yourself" and i had to admit "For me my blog is my mirror,of emotions,of those feelings which i dont show in the real world,for me its a place where i talk to myself,Yes,i let others read it too,You know why? Because i know many,i came across many who felt the same wave of emotions,who tried to express their silence but failed,For their own reasons,and for all those people this place was special,they came,they read,they smiled at times,they cried at times reading the sadness filled in there,a few wrote back and lot of them left silently,
Do i today change the identity of this palce entirely,write something which is not what i AM? write about social issues and my view about the politics? I dont want to,Because for one simple reason,A few causes dont need any writtting,they nead ACTION,and i know what all i do within my short and available time and resources.Actions speak there for sure."
Then what was the option left? Do i keep writing and hurt myself in the process knowing that people whom i ran away,whom i am scared of,who dont mean anything but still can bring a sour taste to my life? who make me silent still know about me through a place where i put in my thoughts? i tried,Trust me,i Did,but i couldn handle it for long and then i decided to QUIT.No,certainly not from writing,But from that place,Maybe its time to start afresh.
Someone asked me and i repeated to myself "how does it feel to start at 0 after a 100" well,i have no idea,right now i am blank.
the only Request is not to use my real NAME anywhere while you are all commenting,This blog is open to all,this blog is open to those people who sent me 100s of mails who dont even own a blog,who donot even know anything about commenting but still keep reading mine.You can add it to your favourites the day you feel its worth,But the identity would always be AALAPANA or EXPRESSIONS OF SILENCE.
This song is for someone who did everything to make me write again,who tried somuch that i had to switch off my mobile for a while to think,ignore the mails and keep myself sane.Hindi songs being his favourite all the time and this song is for you.....its one of my fav and which i put up in my mobile and keep lsitening to all the time,Infact from yesterday i heard it around 40times:) I am back and i know you are the one who is really happy.thanku.

kyaa jaanuu saajan hotii hai kyaa Gam kii shaam
jal uthe sau diye jab liyaa teraa naam
kyaa jaanuu.n saajan

kaa.nto.n mein main khadii
nainon ke dvaar pe
nis din bahaar ke dekhun sapne
chehare kii dhuul kyaa
chandaa ki chaandni
utarii to rah gaii mukh pe apane
kyaa jaanuun saajan....

jabase milii nazar
maathe pe ban gaye
bi.ndiyaa nayan tere dekho sajanaa
dhar lii jo pyaar se
merii kalayiyaan
piyaa terii ungaliyan ho gaii kanganaa
kyaa jaanuu.N saajan....

Aalapana,the sounds of music,which is a part of my life,aalapana which changes according to the raga being sung,similar to my words,which change according to my emotions.