new year

Personally i wouldn want to look back at 2009 for any fond memories, it was filled with lot of negativity, personal loss, health scares and emotional differences, family feuds and whatnot. End of it all, hopefully, Every new day brings in a new hope, and every new hope brings in loads of dreams and i wish them to become real, i wish it for all, A happy and wonderful new year to all of you ( i.e, if anyone still comes to this place)

RIP

I thought i will have a thousand words to say but right now all i have is silence, the tears wont stop and the pain wont go away. You left us, silently, middle of the night, without a sound, just resting your head on the shoulder, you stopped breathing, we knew you will go but then no one is ever prepared, RAJA, we miss you, i don't want to go back to a house where you wont be there. 40 days with out eating food, you knew you have to go, we tried every damn medicine, every damn injection and glucose and whatnot, but as if you were telling us to let go. we stopped, after 30days, not before giving a last look at your frail body and the tiredness on your face when we took you to the doc one last time. We wanted you to leave in peace, not in pain, the last ten days you just were lying in the bed, and one night you left, just like that. Its been 11yrs when you first came into our life. I wish you could be with me forever, i dreamed of introducing you to our kids, to see how you will react but then you had to leave. I have nothing more to say, the tears wont stop. God bless you kid, be safe in the heaven.

Raja
RIP

1998-2009

"chand taare"

6am, Alarm rang and i wistfully opened my eyes, what if i don't go to office today? The world will not come to an end, Nah, that was not me, but husband who was getting ready to the office, but what if i don't inform anyone? No answer. errrr, he left, his cab is waiting. Hmmm, no coin to toss and make a decision, i am not going, i told myself and back into the warmth of the blanket and entered the land of dreams.
I din't bother to inform that i am on leave today, switched off my alarm, i slept and told myself the world is not going to end if i don't work for a day. Its ok to break the rules at times, its ok to not follow the instructions, its ok to not feel guilty and i slept.

Then, i woke up, just like that, 8am,without any alarm or without anyone waking me up and the silence was deafening, I know the guilt factor creeping. 8am, the time when the regular auto driver must be waiting down past ten min, attender at college must be wondering not to see me reading the morning newspaper which i carry myself from the reception and how he everyday cribs that i come first and he should be the one who must be early, I could feel his happy smile:)

Switched on the phone and the first msg reads from my best friend and colleague, "Don't bring the breakfast,i will get your fav dish" Damn, now i better act, called her up, informed her the reason, called the college, the attender was in a happy mood:))))) Msgs passed on and i went back to sleep.This time i know i wont wake up till someone bangs the door and till i feel hungry:)

Amma is the one who made me like this, Perfection is her pet word and rules are her passion and i am scared i will become like her,i want to break rules, for once, i never did that in school or neither in college:( I wish i could do it now, i know this is my last chance. When i have my kids, it would be my turn to preach them:)

The day is good, bright sunlight creeping through the orange curtains and loud music, loads of flowers in the balcony, the sparrows on the balcony grills and i am listening to "Chand taare ,thod laaon" from Yes boss. Anybody remembers the movie and incidentally today is SRK's birthday. Hmmm, any connection?

Oh, and i forgot, i am also having a big bowl of Icecream, choco almond blah blah blah something. And i just now finished watching Wake up sid. Now rest of the time will be spent at Farmville on facebook. Wow, seriously one day if you don't go to work there is so much to do. hmmm, but then because i work these small moments of stolen freedom seems so special, if i had to do all this everyday it looses its charm, isn't it.
So many precious lessons in life are learns in simple ways, small experiences teach us alot, just that we need to be alert at such times to understand the true meaning, learn it, accept it and apply it to life. Last week i learn one such lesson, "You cannot get everything in life, its a matter of choices" and thank god i made a right choice and god did give me the right gift when i was confused myself.
I learnt prayers do help, trust me, when we simply fold our hands and leaving besides our ego and frustrations and helplessness pray to him, prayers do work. Miracles do happen, I know they would, We dint give up, and we are on the road to recovery, thank god for small mercies and thank god for someone above who listens to us, to the prayers and to the helplessness in one's own capacity.

I love my life:) Have a good week people.

zindagi

" aye zindagi gale lagaale, humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaaya hain, hai na."
Beautiful song and its been a peaceful and silent sunday. I wonder at times how two people in the same house can go silent for such long hours. But we do. He was busy, with work and i was busy, with diwali cleaning, with my plants and my blog. After four hours or so the first word was spoken, and we both said the same thing, it feels good to be silent at times.

It sure does, it makes your mind calm and it helps you to talk, just that you are talking to yourself. There are so many such times when i talk to self, i question and i come up with an answer too, so many decisions are taken that way, the clutter in the mind is emptied that way.
It helps me. And as i was working on my project forgetting everything, he is sitting next to me, lost in his own world, there is absolute silence, he is watching a movie and i suddenly hear his laughter, with his headphones and staring into his laptop screen he is laughing, oblivious of his surroundings, busy enjoying himself and strangely without knowing the reason i also smile and then i laughed, I had no reason but looking at him i also laughed. The smile stayed for a long time, i felt a part of his happiness, and i felt happy too.

The day was calm and silent,an occasional door bell, newspaper read leisurely , morning coffee, simple lunch and afternoon nap, hot shower and the evening puja, arathi and the chandan smell filling the house, a bowl of fruits with honey and the sunset ended the day.
Filling the ink in my pen and painting my nails and keeping my bag ready for tomorrow i just wished it to be a good week ahead, and sitting in the balcony and seriously polishing his shoes he must be thinking the same. Taking out the clothes for tomorrow, switching on the geyser and preparing for the breakfast i continued praying for a better week. Charging his mobile, setting the dinner on the table, locking the doors, switching off the lights in rooms and filling the water bottles he must be wishing for the same.

As i finish typing the post we are getting ready for sleep, hoping for good dreams and a wonderful tomorrow. Wishes come true, or do they? Well, time can only tell, With the sunrise it would be a new day and with the new challenges we can only pray, we can only hope and we can only wish. We did it all. Hell, no worries, after last few months we are ready for anything now:) Have a good week ahead all of you:)

"chota sa saaya tha, aankhon mein aaya tha, humne do boondo.n se..."

:)

Little things which make us realize the importance of people in our lives and importance of those small and simple pleasures which we tend to forget. We are busy:) I am busy, or rather i was busy, No, i suddenly didn't get any gyanodaya and neither did anyone make me realize the importance of these things.

It just happened, it happened when i looked at my dying Hibiscus plant in the pot, it happened when i realized that its been ages since i thought of music, and its been a long time since i smiled effortlessly. It happened when i forgot my own birthday, Yeah, until husband wished me. Then i knew its time to wake up, Take it easy. So what did i do:) Worked on my dear hibiscus and prayed, it was almost dying and i lost hope,but still watered it daily and gave it the dose of vitamins and minerals,i saw the first leaf one day, and then it started recovering, today morning i woke up to see this.
The bright orange flower, the first after almost 4 months and i knew its time to understand the importance of those little moments.

I have a peculiar way of getting out of depression, I start cleaning,dusting and scrubbing ,its not that i am cleaning the house, i am cleaning my head, removing all those cobwebs and negative thoughts, the depressed feeling, Cleared everything.
At least tried and it started raining, heavily, and it helped, the silent house, the little drops of rain and the rain drenched leaves and flowers, the clothes drying on the hanger, the traffic outside, the sparrows on the grill and the silence in the head.


Lat two months saw me constantly travelling, a wedding at home and then the emotional challenges of handling people and their problems, caught between egos, confused because you cannot take sides and then end of the day you are blamed for not taking the sides. But how do i tell them i am not ready to loose anyone. Tired, confused,drained out of energy it took a toll on my health:)

A break, not only from work but from the emotional helplessness which i was facing, helped, the severe spondylities pain is now better, the black circles around the eyes vanishing, the ever tiring feeling gone and i am feeling fresh, and i am going to take things easy, Problems are a part of my life but not my life itself:) I am fine and i am much better, life is again back to normal, work, fun, smiles, silence and laughter,music, the greenery around, the smell of rain, the twinkling stars and the morning sun , driving late in the night where both of us have nothing to talk but so much to share, in a way, simple pleasures are all making it better. Life goes on and i am Back.

Thank you for all the mails and calls:)

Just like that

Now i am fine, after sleeping for three hours and getting up at 10pm ( yeah, right) and blogging about it all makes me feel better. Its happening past few days, There is this lady in our apartment whom i know.
There are times when she comes home, just like that, for an hour or so, talks about everyone in the building, asks all personal details and whom i smile at and keep answering in hmmm, haan..... Happening for more 6months, now the lady suddenly realized that i never visit her flat, well, to be frank, I don't go anywhere. I am averse to chitchatting, gossip, time pass and other such nice words. I cannot make small social talk, all you find me doing is giving a smile and at the association meetings i am busy sticking to the agenda and not sharing news, Thank you.

I am invited to her house, and i politely told her i would be busy and will visit as soon as i find time. And i couldn go, past one month or so, genuinely i wanted to go, But just couldn make it.
And last i met her is in the parking lot today evening and she invited again, I told her i will come the next Saturday and that it is not possible on a weekday and that evenings i am busy mostly and i am still not able to handle my anger at her words in reply, she says "What work do you have, a maid who does everything, just cooking for two ppl and you come home at 4pm and teaching profession is such easy profession, what makes you so busy, if you are so busy now how will you handle kids in future! ! ! and blah blah blah, you don't have your in laws also here, so no tensions at all, why crib??"

I am furious, i just walked off, came home, took bath and slept, yeah, my way of handling anger, and now i woke up when the whole world is going to sleep. A few points which i could have said to her but didn't.

My in laws or parents are in other state but i spend talking to them all at least two hours in the evening. They miss us and so do we.I Don't crib... by choice.

I am in teaching profession by choice, i love my work and before i forget, i teach, subjects like finance, consumer behavior, mngt concepts, wish i could teach something about behavior to you too.

Yes, right now we are only two and we really are happy with the choice and no, it is not easy just because we are only two, i still cook 3 dishes, pack lunch for my husband at 6am ( no, i don't want him to eat at the office canteen like your own hubby who goes to office at 9am) I leave for college at 7am, and i carry my lunch, and when i come back i have a list of things to delegate to the maid and list of things to give orders to the husband ( yeah i do that too) and he is happy being ordered. He is not the typical husband material!!!!!

Yes, i do have free time in the evenings and the pictures show it clearly that the greenery in my apartment is not god sent, and not the work of my maid and it doesn't come free, it takes time, every evening i water them on my own, checking for weeds, happy when i see the flowers blooming, taking pictures, trying to find new places for more pots and in general maintaining my little green patch which is a hard work of one year.

I would rather pick up my jasmines, roses, offering them to god and giving them to the kids playing, growing my own methi, coriander, Spinach, tomato and feel proud of it, I would rather spend my time converting my old plastic mugs and water jugs into small flowering pots and sowing seeds and be very proud of it when i get a pat from husband and let me tell you, my maid is also proud of me!@$%

All the pictures you see here are my own, i grow these plants, i talk to them, i don't go out of town until i find someone who can take care of them in my absence and apart from all this i watch movies, i listen to music, i blog and i read and keep my house clean and make sure that i am nice with people who are nice to me. So next time i don't smile at you please remember it was your fault and now nothing can be done.

Wish i could have said this all to her, all i could do was to stare at her, walk off, and i am feeling better now after blogging about it:))))
Now off to the world of dreams, remember, i got work to do, i am not as vela as she thinks i am!@$%@$#^#%.

Ssssssssshhhhh

• At 1am i am listening to this song here You don't need to know the language to like music.
• Today i changed my phone ring tone to this theme music.
• I sorted out 375 snaps into different folders today.
• Sorted out the downloaded music into various folders.
• Cleared lots of mail, replied, deleted and sorted out the contact lists.
• Downloaded 10 new songs from old movies:)
• Spoke on phone for 30min, changed the theme on my phone, set new images and ringtones for various groups.
• Sorted out loads of e-books and done with the backup of the important files.
• Charged the batteries for my cam, for the TV remote, set the channels in the set top box, marked the favorites and sorted out all the movie CD's.

Husband came home at 4.30pm, he wanted to know how i spent my holiday, what i did the whole day. I gave him the list.

• Gave the clothes for ironing, sorted out the laundry.
• Ordered vegetables, fruits, cleaned the fridge.
• Sorted out the cutlery and found that my favorite blue handle spoon is missing, one fork is not to be seen and i dint find two new kitchen hankies also.
• Made a grocery list, of what we don't need to buy and the list of things to be bought today itself.
• Two new pots are added today to my 19 flower pots, i added a few seeds of methi, chilli, tomato and coriander.
• One water jug was converted into a small flower pot and one copper mug now holds the money plant in the hall.
• Pruning, cutting and adding rose mix to my plants.
• Sorted out my wardrobe and declared i need to go for shopping.
• Made chutney powder and gave a small bottle of it to the neighbor and chatted with her for 40min, we shared recipes you know:)

Well, i did want to continue and tell him another 4 or 5 points, but he stopped me. He declared i must be tired and he took me out for dinner. So no cooking and i never, never told him that the works in the above list hardly took an hour from morning and rest of the time i was in front of my laptop taking care of the first list.

It is an advantage sometimes not to talk:)))

Memories

Its a pleasant evening, well, No rain, not very hot, nice breeze and the dancing leafs in my tiny flower pots makes it feels good, i opened all the doors.

I was in the kitchen, making sambar and i suddenly wanted to write a post, Yes, i know i am weird, what to do, we are like this only. By the way,thanks mom for that recipe and thanks to SIL who gave me the gyan about curryleaves and the imp of them for enhancing the aroma,:)

It feels nice when i get to know about the little kitchen secrets from MIL, Mom or SIL. I am not a wonderful cook but i do my job pretty decently,hmmmm, maybe because its more than job for me:) The stories attached to a particular dish, the memories of it, Yes, i mean it. The memories attached, I said i rushed to write a post, because the sambhar brought back memories of childhood days, of peddamma or my mom's elder sister, my cousins and the village.

The humid and hot summer evenings when we used to come back lazily from the fields, we went along with the servants and along with my uncle, played in the hot sun, ate sugarcanes, mangoes & thati munjelu or Toddy palm seeds as they are called, jumped into the river canal, I climbed trees, those big banayan trees and from the edge of a stem used to jump into the river, i did it, used to bribe the servants and my cousin so that they let us do all that the village kids did.

Came back home at sunset, and peddamma sure never knew what we were up to, sometimes all the 4 km from the fields would be walk or at times in a bullock cart or a tractor and when we enter the house the smells of sambhar welcomed us, she made it most of the evenings, with small sambhar onions and simple tadka, slowly simmering in an earthen pot on a kumpati ( a stove made of mud and uses charcoal or timber) My cousin always cribbed that she never makes anything special but for us it was special.

No coming inside the house unless you take bath, she would order and when we did she used to give permission to light the lanthern. Four or five of them, for each room, neatly cleaned and oiled and lighted, we used to keep it in rooms, and then the beds would be put in the varandah, nulaka mancham they were called and we all start talking, it would all be about us, me and my brother, the special guests, and there were no boundary walls, the neighbours sometimes joined in.

Night silent with occassional bells ringing tied in the cows neck and 8pm, we all used to sit down for dinner, outside, in the open yard, near the kitchen and she used to serve hot rice and little bit of new mango pickle, i used to insist for more but she refused always, and dollops of ghee, avakkaya annam:) and then second round would be the sambhar, shifted to a small bowl, it used to go round and everyone used to complain it is hot but not stop eating, accompanied by vadiyalu ( or papad) the taste was awesome. And comes the third round, yes, the one where we were not supposed to complete the meal without having curds, but we are full" we always complained, but she never would agree.

Satisfied and sweating because of the hot food, we then used to jump into the beds with the visanakarra ( or handheld fans) and start talking again, till late into the night, there is river krishna flowing right in front of the house and the coconut plams, the hibiscus near the cow shed, the jasmine near the kitchen and the big mile stone just in front of the house whre i used to sit in the evenings and watch the boat ( or ballakattu) sail by.

There is much to write but somehow i feel sad and silent, the words don't form sentences, there is a lump in the throat, i miss that place, the people, peddamma lost 25yr old son, my cousin, i still feel its not true and then her daughter, my elder sister had a marital problem and they lost most of the property and left the place.

Its been long back, And i never went back to that place, my brother did, he met the kids with whom we played, but i never went, i have happy memories of the place, now its abondened and no one lives there, the bushes and trees make it look like a jungle, the boat is broken and not many come to this side of the river, the milestone, the river, the big banayan tree are still the same, but everything else changed, I don't want to go back. I have memories, they make me smile, pushing back the tears i gave a stern warning to the husband that he dare not getup from his dinner before having curds. So our dinner was avakkaya annam, sambhar, vadiyalu, perugu. Memories- they make life so beautiful and worth living.

blah blah

Unofficially i will be back in college from tomorrow, Vacation over:( I don't want to go. I am surprised that i am quite sad and silent about going back to work,I want to stay at home, take care of my plants, my house, listen to music, watch movies or in short i just want to do what i want to do.
But not possible, i know, not always we get the luxury of living life the way we want to. We need to make compromises, no controversies, let me rephrase, I need to make compromises, So does the Husband. There are times when he just cannot get up at 5am to get ready by 6am and wait for the cab, i see him mumbling something about taking a leave but in last 6 months he hardly took any leave.
He pushes himself, i guess he remembers the market conditions, the job threats and the EMI we pay for the flat and other random stuff. I on other hand don't remember any such things, every morning when i get up at 7am to be in the office by 8am i look at the other side of the bed and remember the man who is working hard to make it easy in future and i just start getting ready.

Its mutual, the fear of loosing out, the fear of not being able to have a comfortable living for which we struggled hard and the looming past which always reminds of the darkness and helplessness we felt at times as children, When he lost his mom and when my dad walked off. We both know what pain is, we both know about not having enough, we both know about struggle, we both know about being left alone, about being deprived, About broken families and tears.

But all this made us strong, made us understand life. There are times when we get suggestions about having kids, about making more money and about changing jobs and shifting to another country. Times when we just listen, smile and move on with our life. Not that it dosn't hurt, it does. Specially when someone talks about kids, Isn't it supposed to be a very personal and private matter for me and him? For me staying away of about 600km from my family is nothing less than being in another country, and same goes for him, how he gets worried about his dad and feels guilty about being away from him.
The jobs we have are our choice, someone recently suggested we takeup the building association secretary post because our timings are perfect and are back home by 4pm and i am still fuming, we start to office when all others are still tucked warm in their beds, evenings are the only time when we get time to talk,to share or make calls to family, talk about bills and shopping, plan and dream, which we do alot, cook and share a meal together. The ME time and the WE time is in the evenings and we need to balance and we do that. TOUCHWOOD.
Is it so hard to respect someone for what they are? Do you need to voice your opinion about others life so easily? No idea.
I started this post to say something to the husband, just to tell him that "Yes, i dont like to work anymore, yes, i feel irritated to go back to work, but still every morning when i wake up i tell myself that this wont last long. Not everything is as per our wishes, not everyone is what we want them to be, We accept life and people for what they are, we make changes when it becomes impossible to take another step, till then we are like this only, Happy, content, laughing silly, dreaming and at intervals we have bouts of complaints, cribbing, screaming, tears and sadness. Sri, just to tell you that we have a perfect life. A mixture of all emotions, that makes us complete"

So, wish me for tomorrow, wish me that i have a good time at work, wish me that there will be less controversies, wish me that i smile a lot and wish me that i have a good health and wish me to be what i am, wish me that i don't change:)

For today i am enjoying the breeze and the clouds and listening to this song here Let me know if you like the song.

thoda hain....

"chandnii raat mein, ek baar tujhe dekhaa hai,Khud pe itraate hue, Khud se sharmaate hue,chandanii raat mein " the sounds of music fills the house, Thank god that we took the flat to the other side of the road, no traffic sounds, I don't miss looking at the main road lit up and moving vehicles at night, i prefer my silence and my plants in my balcony, and i can see the kids playing with a puppy and a few kids playing shuttle and the neighbor lighting a lamp in front of tulasi plant, I wanted it this way and i got it.

A week's stay at Hyderabad made me realise i miss my home, miss bangalore not as a city but as a place where i made a little place for myself, "mera ghar" When at InLaws place and saw those mango trees and loads of jasmines she pluck for me i dreamed of doing the same for her when she comes to bangalore, but maybe not loads of them, for my jasmine plant in a pot yeilds a few of them, but then:)) I selected the most beautiful....." Thoda hain,thode ki jaroorat hain, zindagi fir bhi yahaan khoobsoorat hain...." from the play list.

"Ankhiyon Mein Chhote Chhote Sapne Sajaike,Bahiyon Mein Nindiya Ke Pankh Lagaike,Chanda Mein Jhoole Meri Bitiya Rani,Chandni Re Jhoom Ho Chandni Re Jhoom" Sanjeev kumar in Naukar if i am not wrong, Its been ages since i heard this song, too many songs:) or say that's why when i find it after a long time its fresh again and as beautiful as ever. Staying alone is a blessing at times, no need to make unnecessary conversations or you need to have a partner who understands your need to be silent and i am lucky i guess:)

"Kya mausam hain,aye deewane Dil,Chal kahin door Nikal Jaaye,Koi Humdum Hai,Chaahat Ke Kaabil,To Kisliye Hum Sambhal Jaayenge,Chal Kahin Door Nikal Jaaye..." Kishore, Lata and rafi, What a combination..
I was listening to this song yesterday, we went on a long long drive, its rare for us, both of us are lazy and not much of long drive and romantic evening kinds:) but we did, yesterday, He insisted and we went, the colors in the sky were matching the mood and the music, well spent evening, and hubby turns to me suddenly and says "Hey i forgot to tell you something, Happy wedding anniversary" Yes, after three days he realized he had to wish me:) On the day of the anniversary we were busy with my brother's engagement, everybody wished us but we had no time to wish each other, i am yet to wish him, well, right time, or say right moment is what i am waiting for:)
Well, what to do, we are like this only:) And i got my gift too, one of my favorite CD's, "Malgudi days" He did notice that i was longingly looking at it last time when we were there:)

Waise, how many of you remember this line from my favorite movie Bawarchi " Its so simple to be happy but so difficult to be simple" aanwala pal jaanewala hai, ho Sake To iss mein zindagi bitaado Pal Jo Yeh, Jaanewala Hai.....

All happies:)

Happy wedding anniversary sri:) Its been a wonderful journey and if not for you i wouldn have been what i am today. Thank you for letting me be what i am, For letting me make mistakes, letting me learn, never stopping me for anything and holding my hand when i fumble. C ya in Hyderabad on May 7th, three years back we were there getting married and three years later we will be there witnessing one more family member getting engaged:) Cheers to many more happy times:)

"too is tarah se meree jindagee mein shaamil hain,
jahaan bhee jaaoo ye lagataa hain teree mahafil hain,
ye aasamaan ye baadal ye raasate ye hawaa
har yek cheej hain apanee jagah thhikaane se,
kaee dinon se shikaayat naheen jamaane se,
ye jindagee hain safar, too safar kee manjil hain

Baatein

Four months in 2009 will be done with in another 3 days and the list of things i did in these 4 months scared me, when did i become so busy and the To Do list is even more lengthier:( I just made a list of a few random things which makes me smile:) Life is good.

• Went to Hyderabad 3 times in four months.
• Done with M.Phil exams in march, preparation time= 3 hrs for 2 exams:)
• Going to Hyderabad in another week's time, Again:)
• Met with a small accident, made it a big issue.
• 4 months and i took 9 days off from work:)) Advantages of being a teacher.
• Had at least 12-14 days holidays, again the perks of being a teacher.
• Indian railways needs to award me for traveling with hoards of luggage.
• The amount of luggage i keep transferring between hyd and Bang is mind boggling.
• I get all my sarees dry cleaned in Hyd once in 2 months ( benefits of being pampered)
• Amma sends me garam masala, dry copra, haldi, mirchi powder, tamarind juice, ghee, papad every month,all home made:)
  
• MIL & Amma compete in buying sarees and crockery for me.
• I save money and you know the reason for my bank balance now:)
• Tickets are booked always either by hubby or brother:)
• When i am coming back from Hyd one bag will always be filled with pickles,sweets and savouries. Always:)
• The rats in Yashwanthpur second AC compartment love me the most:) Or my luggage:))
• When i get down in bang and reach home i am not worried about cooking, amma packs curds, biryani, curries, puri and sambhar for the day, i just use microwave to heat it:))
• Coconuts, mangoes, and a few varity of green leaves, curry leaves always make way into the luggage:)
• My hand luggage always is filled with magazines, music player, mobile, camera, gold ornaments and popcorn:)
• When i get down at hyd bro waits with car and i just get in:), when i return, hybby waits at bangalore station, i get in the car, rest is always taken care:))) no,not by me.

Well, why all this now you may ask:) Because all good things might end one day and i want to remember that i am the first one who has been pampered so much by the people who loved me. The love will last forever.
Did i tell you that i am resuming blogging again:) Yes, officially i am back on facebook, orkut, twitter, thanks to the Happy vacation which is soon starting. And the picture above is that of a picture perfect pose giving by the darlings of the house:) All i had to say is call their names:) Did i not say Life is good:) Yes, it is.

"Musafir"

At 11.30 pm i wanted to write, i want to write a post, its raining, Alone at home, i kept listening to the rain drops, the sounds, the silence, and i wanted to listen to the songs from my phone but which one? I started checking the list..." Megha chaye aadhi raat, bairan hogayii nindiya.. bathaa main kya karoon.." or "teraa meraa pyar amar, fir kyon mujhko lagtha hain darr..." or "Musaafir hoon main yaaron. na ghar hain na tikaana.." or naam gumjaayega, chehraa ye badal jayega.." or "Aanewaala pal, jaanewala hain" 74 songs and i just kept checking and then it came, the one which made me getup and switch on my laptop again.

"Neela Aasmaan So Gaya,...
aansu'on Mein Chand Dooba Raat Murjhaayi ,
zindagi Mein Door Tak Phaili Hai Tanhaayi ,
jo Guzre Ham Pe Woh Kam Hai,
tumhaare Gham Ka Mausam Hai
Yaad Ki Waadi Mein Goonje Beete Afsaane
hamsafar Jo Kal The Ab Thehre Woh Begaane"

Kept listening to the song again and again, started typing but all those lines which i frmaed mentally are gone now. blank again!!!! I dont know what to write or i forgot.
The next song started on my music player, its a tamil song, from my favourite movie "Mounaraagam" All these days i wanted the telugu verson of it, and today when i found it i realised i dont want to listen to it. i will stick to what i was listening to before. Same singer, same lyricist and music director i guess but somewhere something was missing. Happens, does it happen with you? same but not the same?
I am the same old person but i heard a friend saying " You changed" Maybe i did. Or maybe not. Who has the time or need to think. I like just the flow of it, of life i mean. What may seem right today may feel utter foolish in future. there is nothing called right or wrong. Its situational. Now i feel better. I stopped arguing, fighting for anything, using words, i keep mum, silent, busy with my readers digest and music when at work, with my tv or novel when at home. I feel good, i feel fine, i am happy this way too:) I dont miss anything, Today i am happy, as always.

Music never can make me sad. It only makes me silent, it takes me back to memories and then there i feel my eyes are moist:) I am listening to "Hum the jinke sahaare, woh hue na humaare, doobi jab dil ki nayaa,........ and i know the one next in the list..." Ek main aur ek thu hain,aur hawa mein jadoo hain" i can listen to both one after the other.

I switch to my all time fav...." Musafir hoon main yaaron, na ghar hain na tikhaana,bas chalthe jaana hain....."

I dont want to write now, i dont know if i will write again, i dont remember i have a blog many times, i do read other blogs, but silent, no comments, just vanish. I dont know why but my favourite word always would be "Silence" Maybe thats why when i started blogging..i called it "Expressions of Silence"

I wont say goodbye, but then who knows............ I suddenly tried remembering bloggers who now left blog world, we tried keeping in touch, and then slowly it started fading away, the emotions, the feeling. Busy is the word. there are so many. Do they remember me? I still do. I guess i will remember everyone who made a difference, at Akruti or now at Alapana.

I want to come back but now i dont believe in Promises. Don't wait for me, But will u be here when i come back? i hate empty houses, but then i am the first one to leave...... Maybe good bye:)

"Din aaye,Din jaye...

"Aao huzoor tumko sitaaro.n pe lechalu.n.. Dil doob jaaye aise, bahaaro.n mein lechaloo..." special program on O.P Nayyar and someone in the building chose to make us all hear the song late in the night. Saturday night is relaxing, more so when you know Sunday is just next morning:) I am waiting...Summer is knocking the doors and i am preparing for the arrival. Sunday is a beautiful day, seriously, i love the kind of contended afternoon silence which fills the atmosphere in our building.

The afternoon sun tries to filter through the curtains and i like the play of the gentle breeze and the sun on my bright orange curtains. Orange every where, the hibiscus is saying hello, Letting me know the summer is almost here.

am looking forward for summer holidays, i know its a good two months before i can really enjoy them but then nothing wrong in waiting for them, and while i do so Mohit chauhan is enjoying "Masakkali..." from Delhi 6, the guy is not just singling it but enjoying it too, Nothing like having a song re vibrate through the silence of the silent afternoon.

Newspapers on the bed, lazy breakfast sessions and laughter flowing with the cups of coffee enjoyed with friends makes it all satisfying.

Husband looks out of the newspaper and makes a statement.." Recession everywhere.. what if?"Hmmm, big question, what if? I am not god but i won't let the negative pessimism creep into me, Recession might take away my bank balances or the house or the job, but it wont take away myhappiness. Easy isn't it.. I asked him.we cannot be scared, we are not made to be scared, both of us saw bitterness early in life, the highs and lows, nothing new, Ek aur sahi, kyun?

The smile is back on his face..." hmmm, if not here we will go back to our village" Laughter boomed the room, yeah, village, which he went when he was a kid, some 25yrs back, where they grow paddy, wheat, chilli, sweet lemons, sugarcane, which we get loads into our tiny flat whenever someone comes from village to this concrete jungle.We will go, i assure him, will we be able to adjust there? Now i know the questions won't stop. God gave us imagination and we use it wildly.

"You pray every day? don't you" I ask him. I do.. then from tomorrow tell him to give you strength to adjust anywhere, in whatever circumstances, with anyone, any kind of life but let there be smile and happiness.

"Does he listen?" Well, he does, doesn't he? If not then every morning we wouldn smile silly for simple reasons. hmmm, you are right" Well, i am.

Because that's what helps me to go ahead in life, whenever there are tears i wait for my turn to smile, when there is a battle lost i try to make it up with a win the next time, when there are clouds of sadness, i search for a silverline which makes it worth living, When there is pain i wait for it to go. and then the smiles will be back, in one or the other way, The doors are closed but the lights of happiness will still creep in, in one or the other way, i am biggest example, trust me, Don't give up:)

I went back to my sunday silence, i want to soak up in the silence, in the warmth of the sun, let the floor tiles glow in the sunlight and the evening takes over before i switch on the lights, light up the lamp, Close the windows and doors, draw the curtains close, turn on the mosquito mats, prepare for the dinner, mentally getting ready for the crazy monday and the week ahead.
Life is so busy:( but well, who said we cannot make the most of it, I can, I do and I will, that's what keeps me going, enjoying the moment, making it look big, making it special, making it wonderful, the dull silent sober Sunday afternoon looks to me exotic, wonderful, filled with happiness:) Well, its all in the way we think and feel. I feel beautiful, So do you:) Don't you? Have a happy week........ Keep singing "Sawan ki ghata chhayi, yeh dekh ke dil jhooma.. lee pyar ne angdayi , deewaana hua badal" (Mohd. Rafi}

Yes, O.P.Nayyar is one of the best music directors Indian cinema can remember forever.

"Bekaar ki baatein"

Why do you have to be upset? Why do you need that mask to cover your feelings anytime? Why are you scared of showing that soft side of your emotions to people? Why do you have to talk to your blog and not to real people? Why are you so rigid? What makes you lock yourself in? Why don't you let anyone know your inner self?

How many questions, how many times i just avoid it, it hurts, its irritating and at times its comforting that you are trying to know me... But i never give you an answer, do i? Well, i just ended up giving the answer here, i still have no strength to answer the questions, its been more than three years but the wounds are still raw, It terribly hurts even today....... I wish i can speak about it.. but i won't.

I don't let anyone know about me, i never trust anyone and neither do i smile at anyone, never the first one to make a conversation, not a friendly person or not easy going......... I know all the terms by heart now but this is so much better than..........." Being walked all over by people just because you trust them, you smiled, you shared laughter, and they left the pain forever, you just wipe someone's tears and they take away your smile forever. The pain of being left alone, the pain of being laughed at, being mocked at just because you trusted..... dammit, the tears still flow, but dint i get over them? "The words still ring in my ears " I now Don't need you"

Now you know why i lock myself in? so that i am safe. Thank you for asking.