moments

"ek purana mausam lauta yaad bhari puravai bhi,aisa to kam hi hota hai wo bhi ho tanahai bhi,yadon ki baucharon se jab palaken bhigne lagti hain, kitni saundhi lagti hai tab manjhi ki rusavai bhi"

It took me more than two hours to remember the password, smiled to myself when i logged in, Is it in me still to just write what i felt? Do i still crave the silent expressions which pour in at this place?
But then i remember what i read early in the morning..... Sometimes, its not worth to think, to analyze, just flow with the thoughts.....
A rare silence and time devoted to doing nothing specific, a day off from work, i laze around the house and try to capture the stray thoughts, try looking back and remember the moments, little moments, just like the glittering trinkets run down the memory lane, moments filled with carefree laughter, happiness and the innocence of it all. I have come a long way.
I wish i can write, but may be the skill is lost? or may be the innocence is gone with the wind....
 

mausam

Marari beach, Alleppey.

Another sunday, filled with silence, but not silent like before, You can hear the traffic, kids playing the basement, TV in hall,music from the bedroom, but strangely, i can still feel the silence. It fills the heart, it fills my mind, a calmness which is much needed after the noise of life. Is it six months already? Some said bad luck, some said why you always? some suggested visiting temples, and some just held the hand and stood in silence. One after the other, accidents, injury, fever, hospitalization, and then the abortion, recovery, leaving the job, joining back, again operation, and one final day i asked myself "why me" I screamed, i want to give up, i can't take it anymore, but then, i dint give up.

Recovering is more painful, i know, but then who said life is easy, but isn't it worth? I am still searching for the answers.

I want to write, again:) i want to listen to music, again, want to take out my camera, again, laugh, again, basically, trying to heal:) from the physical and emotional pain which is covering the heart like the thick fog, but wouldn the sunshine tear it away??? hoping for it.

An old diary

As i sat to write i remember nothing, think nothing and i just feel the silence of the night, It never scares me, the silence that is.. It always indulges my thoughts, it always purifies my soul, my tired little soul which is always trying to adjust to the wayward ways of life, battling the crowd and the noise. I feel lost in the crowd, Words feel like bullets and people make me feel alone.

 I have no answers for questions, i just move on with life, when someone asks me why i am the way i am, i just smile, Why? Does anyone find the answer for this? No. When the sun rises tomorrow i will wake up to the bright light falling into my lap, i get ready, I take a mask and wear it on my face, the mask of intelligence, the mask of confidence and the mask of smile and the cheerful me walks into the world, i blink for a moment at the brightness, and then i am a part of it all. 

But tonight, its just me and my thoughts, i am not lonely, i am just alone, no masks and no fear, no artificial smiles and i feel relieved, in the darkness the memories cover me up, and i just look into the sky, looking a the twinkling sky filled with stars a small smile comes on to my face, memories.....

Long back someone sent me a msg, i remember it tonight, in the silence of the night, i remember the person, i remember the words........." dooriyan jab humare rishte mein aaye, tho meri yaadein dil ka dard nahi, jeene ka sahara banao"

Old diaries, they have so much hidden in them, so many feelings and emotions just lying there, in the form of words, and some, in the form of blank pages'

I walk back into my room, closing the doors behind me, covering the drapes, i no longer can see the sky, neither can i feel the silence..... i close my old diary, its almost falling apart, i safely put it in back in to the shelf, hidden behind a pile of books, its just a memory. 

Life

Beautiful skyline, i always like this picture, from the terrace of my house, early morning, the mango groove, coconut leaves and wild jasmine in the back drop of the orange sky, just before the sunrise. Home, it just feels as if its been ages, but then life gives you very few choices, pick the one which suits you the best and then stop cribbing. I have been doing the same. And wish to continue.

Been busy? asked a friend, i had no reply, i will always be busy, that's how i want it to be but somewhere i just left behind a few things; my music, my blog, keeping in touch and generally left behind an important part of my living. Not deliberately, it was getting too difficult to handle everything and i left what i was comfortable with, because it won't hurt others, its ok if it hurts me. There was a scary C word in the family, there was work and then there was more work and with that came petty politics at work place and came the name and the fame and you just need to keep up with it all, cannot loose it can we? but then it hit hard one fine morning.
I guess there was a meeting and the chancellor was talking, i heard the line, " People won't remember that you were right 99 times, they will still talk about that one time when you were wrong"
Is it so? then what am i running for? Ppl will anyway talk, and i am not god:)

And i am back, to the world of music, back to blogging and to keep in touch, i don't know if i will be able to keep up the decision but i will try, 2010 is ending and i hope atleast the new year will bring the cheer for the tired soul.

Rain and the chilled air, the silence in the house as usual, it looks so peaceful, i am listening to Surili akhiyon wale, suna hai teri akhiyon se ,Behti hai neendein aurr neendon mein sapne,Kabhi to kinare pe, utar mere sapno se,Aaja zameen pe aurr mil ja kahin pe" Beautiful song. I wish life was simple, but then its in my hands, as always i mess it up and then i solve the puzzle myself.

A friend sent a quote in the morning " Patience and silence are powerful energies... Patience makes u mentally strong, silence makes you emotionally strong" by Abdul kalam.

yaadein

There is no end to memories, A smile always comes back when we turn around to look at the days gone by and the days filled with laughter and fun come back in a moment. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then i started typing this post, with those immediate few images from the days gone by which brought a smile and these little precious gems are what makes life worth.

The image of three girls walking down the huge empty roads in the defence quarters and sharing one cup of ice cream. Limited pocket money or the joy of sharing, don't remember what prompted that1:3 ratio:)))))

Amma always bought identical water-bottles, lunch boxes, pencils and pens for both kids, The sixth class studying sis lost her water-bottle cap and silently replaced it with 4th class studying bro's water bottle cap. Thank god the little secret is still a secret:)))))

Talking about the sibling it is not clear how a 1/2 km stretch from school which takes about 15 min to walk back home would take him more than two hrs and one such occasion amma back from office and went in search of him towards the school, only to find him slowly walking with a tiny plant in both the hands and also talking to the plant:( He was just being careful about bringing the plant alive but then amma gives a lecture that i need to be careful and come along with him)))))

The first movie i went to watch with a gang of girls from school, we finished our board exams and we felt so proud of ourselves. It was a comedy movie and my best friend found it hilarious, so much so that she literally started kicking the front seat with her leg while laughing, the one in that seat did not find it amusing at all(((((

Aunty's shop-next to college, she had the best of samosas and we would wait for 9am, that's when the fresh stock came and the co ed college had a ladies room:))) we being the first batch to be admitted into a all boys college and the royal treatment we got every where and i remember naming a senior "Golgappa" I never knew he was a senior:((((( and the whole gang made me repeat "I am a complan girl"20 times for no reason:))))))

A group of college friends, 23 of them, went to watch a movie and16 turned up, we sold the remaining 7 tickets for triple the price we bought them for and partied with the money:))))

I thought PG would be serious stuff and in my first weak to the college, i bunked, in fact everyday i ran away from the economics class, as soon the the professor entered from the front door i used to run from the back door:))))))

The 50 acre campus filled with only women was fun, i tasted canteen food first time in my PG. I imitated Laluprasad yadav on the freshers day and they presented me with a wall painting which is still with me:)))

I know you are going to smile when you read this Pratima:) The first all girls nightouts started not in my PG but when i started working, one bio tech teacher, one food & nutrition teacher and Me, the commerce one:) the long drives and giggling whole night and one particular such time when i guess the downstairs ppl complained about too much noise and sounds, well, we were dancing you see:)
The fried rice you made and the comments which i had, the walk back home late night and early morning walking and whole night singing and giggling is still fresh in memories, and yes, we changed, everything changed but then such is life:) isn't it.

My two best friends are guys, those with whom i can share any news, those who understand my silence and every bit of me, those whom my husband would trust my safety with, amma did the same, its been more than 14yrs and there is no end to it..... they are the strength, they are the weakness, they are the lifeline...

Thank you dear god, for all the good times
And as he posted in his blog
"haan.... waqt yeh bhi guzar jaayega"

???

I am trying to fight, fight everything which isn't easy, everything which makes me weak, which makes me give up but yet, there are times when i just want to give up. Am i wrong? I am holding on to a thin hope that one day things will be fine, but that's just too thin and the hope is giving away to despair, the smiles are fading away and the darkness sets in and its scary. I wish i can say more, i wish i can talk, i wish i can talk to friends but i am too proud to admit that i am loosing a battle, too proud to admit that i feel depressed. Ya,. depressed.Miss everything of the past, family, friends, life in Hyd, my way of living, my way of thinking, my way of fun, i miss it all. When did i change so much? when did i become so practical? when i did i become such a big loner? why did i push away everyone who cares? I wish i had answers. Just to remember that they do care, even today. I am holding on to a thin line of hope. One day, maybe one day i can share it all here. I am holding on.....

Ye mera ghar...

I heard a neighbor commenting that there is lot of pending work in our flat, lot more to do, she was surprised, work in progress sorts of... She said.

We never hired a interior designer when we bought this flat.we just had the work done with the help of the carpenters. Basics enough to live in comfort.

And one of my neighbor keeps claiming that all the 16 flat owners( 17th being me and 18th is she) in the building visited her flat to look at the architectural and designer wonder:))))) for which they spent more than 8lacs and she feels so sad for me that i have had no idea of lot of those costly designer wine glasses and bar counter and breakfast counters and those 14 different designer lamps which she has in the living area:))

But then i simply look at my Philips tube light and energy saving Philips lamp again in my hall and say sorry to them:( because i don't need to use any light in the mornings:) I am greeted with this sight:) Open the balcony door and the sunlight enters my home royally:) My whole house is filled with natural light, my bedrooms need thick curtains to curtail light when i don't need it at all. I never told her this but when i sat on my huge bean bag which was gifted recently by dear hubby to use it to contemplate over life i thought i need to write a post:)

We bought this flat in our second year of our marriage, With our savings and home loan, gold loan and just with what we earned in two years. We dint depend on our parents and we are quite proud of the achievement.
For me home is where there is loads of love, where there is peace and where i just can smile and be content. We ran around in search of it all and when we found one we were clear about one thing, we wanted a flat with lots and lots of sunlight, with lots of natural light and where i don't need to depend on the fans and AC for breathing fresh air. As i am typing this the cool breeze is making my bedroom curtains dance and the fans are as usual switched off. More than the designer kitchen i was clear about the space in the kitchen, about the light part there too:)

The day we registered the house we achieved our dream of owning a house and i didn't want expensive designers simply because it was too much of a cost and it was better to build our savings which were nil then and we just did that.

Right decision, in a few months recession started and we survived without much tension. Pay cuts didn't take away the smile and content. And i have no regrets about the simple house part. It is almost 1yr 8months since we entered in to this house and every day i changed something and i keep doing so. I am always in some corner of this house admiring something made by me, planned by me, potted by me and painted by me. It can be just a cushion cover or a tomato plant, or the rangoli or the flower arrangement, the table mats or the bedsheets, nothing expensive, but everything has a story to tell and it makes it special.

The small place made for puja is simple too, but it is a place filled with lot of positivity, the place which gives me strength to smile in pain, to move on with life and face the challenges of daily life. Its the place where husband folds his hands for a few min and closes his eyes.
This house and this place made him believe in god, the first time when he folded his hands and agreed to pray, to come to a temple and to sit in a puja.Every morning the chanting of om re vibrates in this corner of the house. Before leaving the house i just fold my hands, tell him to keep me safe and walk out with a smile and with out any fear.


And then there is this green cover in my house, the plants in all corners, not leaving any place where there is even a hint of sun light and every morning i am greeted by different colors, of nature, of hibiscus, roses, tomatoes, brinjal, methi, coriander, green chillies, Bitter gourd and lot more. I greet them every morning, smile at them, i have tears when i see a plant withering away, I water them myself, i keep changing the places, make sure there is enough sunlight and in the evening while the sun sets, i am sitting in my small balcony, listening to the music, husband sipping his ginger tea and i look at the orange gray sky just to remember that life is all about Work In Progress. The day it is done,completed, everything achieved, we no longer live to enjoy the small beautiful moments. Yes, my house will always be WIP and i am glad the way it is:) And as i publish this i am listening to.."Aaa chal ke tujhe main leke chaloo.n, ek aise gagan ke thale, jahan ghum bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho, jahaan pyar hi pyaar pale...." Makes sense, isn't it:)

Bade acche lagthe hain...

I worked today, I mean i was in college today, on a sunday:) If i was given a choice i would have been at home but then i work for a college and i don't own one:)))) We were given a holiday on Friday (solar eclipse) and then were asked to compensate on a Sunday. Well, life is like that. The choice was upto me, either i go or take a CL. Hmmm, but then this time it was a little different. I am on a NO leave mode.Yes, past two months i din't apply for even one CL, and am making sure to handle it this way for an other one month ( touch wood, touch wood).
But on a Sunday? College, hmmm, that's when it stuck, a simple point, "When you know you need to do it, when you know there is no choice, why not do it with a smile?" and trust me, it works. So yesterday night unlike any other Saturday i slept on time, before that i did check the ink in my pen which i do for all 6 days except for the Saturday, and then i sat and changed my play list in my phone. Added a few songs which i dint listen from a long time and then selected my favorite maroon color saree and even decided on a matching hair clip (which is so rare)., changed into another hand bag:).
Got up at 7am and hubby decided to make it a bit easier and bit nice, he got me breakfast from my favorite darshini, 7.30am the regular auto driver was waiting down and i got into it with a smile. and then i started listening to the very recent, "dil toh baccha hain ji" from Ishqiya. Beautiful song, amazing voice and went on to this one old song from the movie Anurodh... "Aap ke anurodh pe mein ye geet sunaatha hoon.." Rajesh khanna? I like the song.
By the time i got down at the college i was listening to a song by kishore and aarthi mukharji.." do panchi, do tinke, kaho leke chale hain kahaan.." old movie again, donno the movie but a sweet song.
My day was good, all around there were some people irritated, some grumpy, some cribbing, some angry and others indifferent. But there were those who took it in their stride, cheerful, laughing and sharing a joke. And then there were students, for a change i went into the class with a smile, did let them take a break and chitchat, and from being a strict ma'am i became a nice ma'am who let the students in when they came late, gave them attendance even when they missed it, stopped teaching a little early and let them talk and we even discussed about 3 idiots. I heard a back bencher even commenting that all my classes need to be on Sunday ( nah,tough luck dude, this is just a one time show, if i need to do so every Sunday then it looses its charm and its just another day)

Hubby came to pick me up, i saw a group of students trying not to look into the car but still wanted a glimpse of the husband:) To know a little more about the teacher, I remembered my college days, i did the same many a times:) We always used to try and find out if a teacher was married, if she had kids and where does she/he live..... Its fun:)

When i came back home i knew i was smiling, happy and content. My day was good, i don't need to crib and i have no complaints about working on a Sunday, because i chose not to crib or feel bad about it. Its in my hands, most of the times? it is, i chose to be happy and i am happy, for a change no outing this Sunday evening, He is out with his friends, and i chose to stay at home with my music and my blog. In the silence of the night there are a few sounds which keep me company. the occassional honking on the road, the cooker vigil in the next house, The lift opening and closing near by, someone is talking on phone and i can hear them laughing, guess on the terrace somewhere, and then i am listening to the song from "Balika vadhu" Amit kumar singing.." Bade acche lagthe hain, ye darthi, ye ambar....."

Life is simple and i wish it remains the same, and the day it won't, i will try and make it simple. Today is one day where i learnt with exp, "Its my choice to smile and be happy" I wish the wish comes true.
Have a wonderful week ahead people:)

"Dil ki Kalam se"

I guess she still hopes to see Raja again, Never been alone from the day we brought her home, Raja was her hero, her partner and the one whom she followed everywhere and now she is all over the house searching for him. But i guess in last two months she got used to his absence but then at times there is that look on her face which shows the loneliness. I wish death never happens but i know its a bitter truth and we all have to live with it. I only hope to be a little more stronger and accept this truth. Cannot let it break me down so badly.

15yrs of friendship and a small argument and i heard a line from a dear friend saying "we are not asking you people to leave, we want a separate state, you can live here if you want" and it made me speechless. Stung like a bee, who am i? Coming from one of the most fertile region is my mom and dad from one of the most backward region and i am born and brought up in Hyderabad.Settled in Bangalore, so where do i belong to? Regionalism took way the faith in a 15yr old relationship. Hurt and angry, i don't want to take calls from him. Don't know if i am wrong but for now, i feel much better to be away from arguments about division of states:)

Hubby is in Hyd, been home alone past three days, it feels so good and i also realized something, When he is away i miss him and when he is at home i always crib and argue with him (well, not always) When at home he doesn't talk much but when he is out of town he will sure call every few hrs to know if i am OK and if i had my food.Brings a smile, strange relation this one, says nothing but makes you feel so special yet.

He is bringing this plant(Radha manoharam) from amma's garden, holding it in a box and keeping it on the berth in the train, because i love the feel of having a plant from home,to make me feel a part of the place i grew up in.

I am happy, i know its not easy for him to do all this, the one who travels only with his laptop and minimum luggage and prefers a flight most of the time, not easy to bring plants, fruits and veggies and home made sweets and my sarees and random list of purchases which i demand from amma and MIL. He will crib but he will bring them all, in a train, missing his precious sleep and when i am opening all those packets he sits there silently, listening to me, not understanding half of the importance of each little thing there but still trying to understand the emotions. Thanku Sri:)

New year, new hopes and i wish half of them to turn to reality. Winter is fading away slowly, The morning sun brings nice warm feeling and my garden is in bloom.Roses and hibiscus which i use for the morning puja and the sunlight early in the morning covering my kitchen utility and the the smell of incense sticks and the smell of strong coffee, the vibrant colors of nature all around and silence in the house,
I thank god for the peace and for the hope. I don't believe in resolutions but i promise myself about a few things. One, i will continue blogging, it helps and second, I won't let the weaker me take over my strength, i wont let myself hurt so much that ----------, i wont let anybody play with my emotions, Simply stating, i won't let anyone make me cry easily and i wont loose my patience. And yes, one last but most imp for me, I will accept life as it comes to me:)
Cheers, have a wonderful Monday morning all of you. Thank you for all the comments in the last post, means alot to me. Makes me happy, makes me smile and makes me write:)

I am listening to "Phoolon Ke Rang Se Dil Ki Kalam Se Tujhko Likhi Roz Paati, Kaise Bataaoon Kis Kis Tarah Se Pal Pal Mujhe Tu Sataati, Tere Hi Sapne Lekar Ke Soya Teri Hi Yaadon Mein Jaaga,Tere Khayaalon Mein Uljha Raha Yoon Jaise Ki Maala Mein Dhaaga" from Prem pujari. Heard it before? if not go and listen to it. One of the most beautiful songs:)

new year

Personally i wouldn want to look back at 2009 for any fond memories, it was filled with lot of negativity, personal loss, health scares and emotional differences, family feuds and whatnot. End of it all, hopefully, Every new day brings in a new hope, and every new hope brings in loads of dreams and i wish them to become real, i wish it for all, A happy and wonderful new year to all of you ( i.e, if anyone still comes to this place)

RIP

I thought i will have a thousand words to say but right now all i have is silence, the tears wont stop and the pain wont go away. You left us, silently, middle of the night, without a sound, just resting your head on the shoulder, you stopped breathing, we knew you will go but then no one is ever prepared, RAJA, we miss you, i don't want to go back to a house where you wont be there. 40 days with out eating food, you knew you have to go, we tried every damn medicine, every damn injection and glucose and whatnot, but as if you were telling us to let go. we stopped, after 30days, not before giving a last look at your frail body and the tiredness on your face when we took you to the doc one last time. We wanted you to leave in peace, not in pain, the last ten days you just were lying in the bed, and one night you left, just like that. Its been 11yrs when you first came into our life. I wish you could be with me forever, i dreamed of introducing you to our kids, to see how you will react but then you had to leave. I have nothing more to say, the tears wont stop. God bless you kid, be safe in the heaven.

Raja
RIP

1998-2009

"chand taare"

6am, Alarm rang and i wistfully opened my eyes, what if i don't go to office today? The world will not come to an end, Nah, that was not me, but husband who was getting ready to the office, but what if i don't inform anyone? No answer. errrr, he left, his cab is waiting. Hmmm, no coin to toss and make a decision, i am not going, i told myself and back into the warmth of the blanket and entered the land of dreams.
I din't bother to inform that i am on leave today, switched off my alarm, i slept and told myself the world is not going to end if i don't work for a day. Its ok to break the rules at times, its ok to not follow the instructions, its ok to not feel guilty and i slept.

Then, i woke up, just like that, 8am,without any alarm or without anyone waking me up and the silence was deafening, I know the guilt factor creeping. 8am, the time when the regular auto driver must be waiting down past ten min, attender at college must be wondering not to see me reading the morning newspaper which i carry myself from the reception and how he everyday cribs that i come first and he should be the one who must be early, I could feel his happy smile:)

Switched on the phone and the first msg reads from my best friend and colleague, "Don't bring the breakfast,i will get your fav dish" Damn, now i better act, called her up, informed her the reason, called the college, the attender was in a happy mood:))))) Msgs passed on and i went back to sleep.This time i know i wont wake up till someone bangs the door and till i feel hungry:)

Amma is the one who made me like this, Perfection is her pet word and rules are her passion and i am scared i will become like her,i want to break rules, for once, i never did that in school or neither in college:( I wish i could do it now, i know this is my last chance. When i have my kids, it would be my turn to preach them:)

The day is good, bright sunlight creeping through the orange curtains and loud music, loads of flowers in the balcony, the sparrows on the balcony grills and i am listening to "Chand taare ,thod laaon" from Yes boss. Anybody remembers the movie and incidentally today is SRK's birthday. Hmmm, any connection?

Oh, and i forgot, i am also having a big bowl of Icecream, choco almond blah blah blah something. And i just now finished watching Wake up sid. Now rest of the time will be spent at Farmville on facebook. Wow, seriously one day if you don't go to work there is so much to do. hmmm, but then because i work these small moments of stolen freedom seems so special, if i had to do all this everyday it looses its charm, isn't it.
So many precious lessons in life are learns in simple ways, small experiences teach us alot, just that we need to be alert at such times to understand the true meaning, learn it, accept it and apply it to life. Last week i learn one such lesson, "You cannot get everything in life, its a matter of choices" and thank god i made a right choice and god did give me the right gift when i was confused myself.
I learnt prayers do help, trust me, when we simply fold our hands and leaving besides our ego and frustrations and helplessness pray to him, prayers do work. Miracles do happen, I know they would, We dint give up, and we are on the road to recovery, thank god for small mercies and thank god for someone above who listens to us, to the prayers and to the helplessness in one's own capacity.

I love my life:) Have a good week people.

zindagi

" aye zindagi gale lagaale, humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaaya hain, hai na."
Beautiful song and its been a peaceful and silent sunday. I wonder at times how two people in the same house can go silent for such long hours. But we do. He was busy, with work and i was busy, with diwali cleaning, with my plants and my blog. After four hours or so the first word was spoken, and we both said the same thing, it feels good to be silent at times.

It sure does, it makes your mind calm and it helps you to talk, just that you are talking to yourself. There are so many such times when i talk to self, i question and i come up with an answer too, so many decisions are taken that way, the clutter in the mind is emptied that way.
It helps me. And as i was working on my project forgetting everything, he is sitting next to me, lost in his own world, there is absolute silence, he is watching a movie and i suddenly hear his laughter, with his headphones and staring into his laptop screen he is laughing, oblivious of his surroundings, busy enjoying himself and strangely without knowing the reason i also smile and then i laughed, I had no reason but looking at him i also laughed. The smile stayed for a long time, i felt a part of his happiness, and i felt happy too.

The day was calm and silent,an occasional door bell, newspaper read leisurely , morning coffee, simple lunch and afternoon nap, hot shower and the evening puja, arathi and the chandan smell filling the house, a bowl of fruits with honey and the sunset ended the day.
Filling the ink in my pen and painting my nails and keeping my bag ready for tomorrow i just wished it to be a good week ahead, and sitting in the balcony and seriously polishing his shoes he must be thinking the same. Taking out the clothes for tomorrow, switching on the geyser and preparing for the breakfast i continued praying for a better week. Charging his mobile, setting the dinner on the table, locking the doors, switching off the lights in rooms and filling the water bottles he must be wishing for the same.

As i finish typing the post we are getting ready for sleep, hoping for good dreams and a wonderful tomorrow. Wishes come true, or do they? Well, time can only tell, With the sunrise it would be a new day and with the new challenges we can only pray, we can only hope and we can only wish. We did it all. Hell, no worries, after last few months we are ready for anything now:) Have a good week ahead all of you:)

"chota sa saaya tha, aankhon mein aaya tha, humne do boondo.n se..."

:)

Little things which make us realize the importance of people in our lives and importance of those small and simple pleasures which we tend to forget. We are busy:) I am busy, or rather i was busy, No, i suddenly didn't get any gyanodaya and neither did anyone make me realize the importance of these things.

It just happened, it happened when i looked at my dying Hibiscus plant in the pot, it happened when i realized that its been ages since i thought of music, and its been a long time since i smiled effortlessly. It happened when i forgot my own birthday, Yeah, until husband wished me. Then i knew its time to wake up, Take it easy. So what did i do:) Worked on my dear hibiscus and prayed, it was almost dying and i lost hope,but still watered it daily and gave it the dose of vitamins and minerals,i saw the first leaf one day, and then it started recovering, today morning i woke up to see this.
The bright orange flower, the first after almost 4 months and i knew its time to understand the importance of those little moments.

I have a peculiar way of getting out of depression, I start cleaning,dusting and scrubbing ,its not that i am cleaning the house, i am cleaning my head, removing all those cobwebs and negative thoughts, the depressed feeling, Cleared everything.
At least tried and it started raining, heavily, and it helped, the silent house, the little drops of rain and the rain drenched leaves and flowers, the clothes drying on the hanger, the traffic outside, the sparrows on the grill and the silence in the head.


Lat two months saw me constantly travelling, a wedding at home and then the emotional challenges of handling people and their problems, caught between egos, confused because you cannot take sides and then end of the day you are blamed for not taking the sides. But how do i tell them i am not ready to loose anyone. Tired, confused,drained out of energy it took a toll on my health:)

A break, not only from work but from the emotional helplessness which i was facing, helped, the severe spondylities pain is now better, the black circles around the eyes vanishing, the ever tiring feeling gone and i am feeling fresh, and i am going to take things easy, Problems are a part of my life but not my life itself:) I am fine and i am much better, life is again back to normal, work, fun, smiles, silence and laughter,music, the greenery around, the smell of rain, the twinkling stars and the morning sun , driving late in the night where both of us have nothing to talk but so much to share, in a way, simple pleasures are all making it better. Life goes on and i am Back.

Thank you for all the mails and calls:)

Just like that

Now i am fine, after sleeping for three hours and getting up at 10pm ( yeah, right) and blogging about it all makes me feel better. Its happening past few days, There is this lady in our apartment whom i know.
There are times when she comes home, just like that, for an hour or so, talks about everyone in the building, asks all personal details and whom i smile at and keep answering in hmmm, haan..... Happening for more 6months, now the lady suddenly realized that i never visit her flat, well, to be frank, I don't go anywhere. I am averse to chitchatting, gossip, time pass and other such nice words. I cannot make small social talk, all you find me doing is giving a smile and at the association meetings i am busy sticking to the agenda and not sharing news, Thank you.

I am invited to her house, and i politely told her i would be busy and will visit as soon as i find time. And i couldn go, past one month or so, genuinely i wanted to go, But just couldn make it.
And last i met her is in the parking lot today evening and she invited again, I told her i will come the next Saturday and that it is not possible on a weekday and that evenings i am busy mostly and i am still not able to handle my anger at her words in reply, she says "What work do you have, a maid who does everything, just cooking for two ppl and you come home at 4pm and teaching profession is such easy profession, what makes you so busy, if you are so busy now how will you handle kids in future! ! ! and blah blah blah, you don't have your in laws also here, so no tensions at all, why crib??"

I am furious, i just walked off, came home, took bath and slept, yeah, my way of handling anger, and now i woke up when the whole world is going to sleep. A few points which i could have said to her but didn't.

My in laws or parents are in other state but i spend talking to them all at least two hours in the evening. They miss us and so do we.I Don't crib... by choice.

I am in teaching profession by choice, i love my work and before i forget, i teach, subjects like finance, consumer behavior, mngt concepts, wish i could teach something about behavior to you too.

Yes, right now we are only two and we really are happy with the choice and no, it is not easy just because we are only two, i still cook 3 dishes, pack lunch for my husband at 6am ( no, i don't want him to eat at the office canteen like your own hubby who goes to office at 9am) I leave for college at 7am, and i carry my lunch, and when i come back i have a list of things to delegate to the maid and list of things to give orders to the husband ( yeah i do that too) and he is happy being ordered. He is not the typical husband material!!!!!

Yes, i do have free time in the evenings and the pictures show it clearly that the greenery in my apartment is not god sent, and not the work of my maid and it doesn't come free, it takes time, every evening i water them on my own, checking for weeds, happy when i see the flowers blooming, taking pictures, trying to find new places for more pots and in general maintaining my little green patch which is a hard work of one year.

I would rather pick up my jasmines, roses, offering them to god and giving them to the kids playing, growing my own methi, coriander, Spinach, tomato and feel proud of it, I would rather spend my time converting my old plastic mugs and water jugs into small flowering pots and sowing seeds and be very proud of it when i get a pat from husband and let me tell you, my maid is also proud of me!@$%

All the pictures you see here are my own, i grow these plants, i talk to them, i don't go out of town until i find someone who can take care of them in my absence and apart from all this i watch movies, i listen to music, i blog and i read and keep my house clean and make sure that i am nice with people who are nice to me. So next time i don't smile at you please remember it was your fault and now nothing can be done.

Wish i could have said this all to her, all i could do was to stare at her, walk off, and i am feeling better now after blogging about it:))))
Now off to the world of dreams, remember, i got work to do, i am not as vela as she thinks i am!@$%@$#^#%.

Ssssssssshhhhh

• At 1am i am listening to this song here You don't need to know the language to like music.
• Today i changed my phone ring tone to this theme music.
• I sorted out 375 snaps into different folders today.
• Sorted out the downloaded music into various folders.
• Cleared lots of mail, replied, deleted and sorted out the contact lists.
• Downloaded 10 new songs from old movies:)
• Spoke on phone for 30min, changed the theme on my phone, set new images and ringtones for various groups.
• Sorted out loads of e-books and done with the backup of the important files.
• Charged the batteries for my cam, for the TV remote, set the channels in the set top box, marked the favorites and sorted out all the movie CD's.

Husband came home at 4.30pm, he wanted to know how i spent my holiday, what i did the whole day. I gave him the list.

• Gave the clothes for ironing, sorted out the laundry.
• Ordered vegetables, fruits, cleaned the fridge.
• Sorted out the cutlery and found that my favorite blue handle spoon is missing, one fork is not to be seen and i dint find two new kitchen hankies also.
• Made a grocery list, of what we don't need to buy and the list of things to be bought today itself.
• Two new pots are added today to my 19 flower pots, i added a few seeds of methi, chilli, tomato and coriander.
• One water jug was converted into a small flower pot and one copper mug now holds the money plant in the hall.
• Pruning, cutting and adding rose mix to my plants.
• Sorted out my wardrobe and declared i need to go for shopping.
• Made chutney powder and gave a small bottle of it to the neighbor and chatted with her for 40min, we shared recipes you know:)

Well, i did want to continue and tell him another 4 or 5 points, but he stopped me. He declared i must be tired and he took me out for dinner. So no cooking and i never, never told him that the works in the above list hardly took an hour from morning and rest of the time i was in front of my laptop taking care of the first list.

It is an advantage sometimes not to talk:)))

Memories

Its a pleasant evening, well, No rain, not very hot, nice breeze and the dancing leafs in my tiny flower pots makes it feels good, i opened all the doors.

I was in the kitchen, making sambar and i suddenly wanted to write a post, Yes, i know i am weird, what to do, we are like this only. By the way,thanks mom for that recipe and thanks to SIL who gave me the gyan about curryleaves and the imp of them for enhancing the aroma,:)

It feels nice when i get to know about the little kitchen secrets from MIL, Mom or SIL. I am not a wonderful cook but i do my job pretty decently,hmmmm, maybe because its more than job for me:) The stories attached to a particular dish, the memories of it, Yes, i mean it. The memories attached, I said i rushed to write a post, because the sambhar brought back memories of childhood days, of peddamma or my mom's elder sister, my cousins and the village.

The humid and hot summer evenings when we used to come back lazily from the fields, we went along with the servants and along with my uncle, played in the hot sun, ate sugarcanes, mangoes & thati munjelu or Toddy palm seeds as they are called, jumped into the river canal, I climbed trees, those big banayan trees and from the edge of a stem used to jump into the river, i did it, used to bribe the servants and my cousin so that they let us do all that the village kids did.

Came back home at sunset, and peddamma sure never knew what we were up to, sometimes all the 4 km from the fields would be walk or at times in a bullock cart or a tractor and when we enter the house the smells of sambhar welcomed us, she made it most of the evenings, with small sambhar onions and simple tadka, slowly simmering in an earthen pot on a kumpati ( a stove made of mud and uses charcoal or timber) My cousin always cribbed that she never makes anything special but for us it was special.

No coming inside the house unless you take bath, she would order and when we did she used to give permission to light the lanthern. Four or five of them, for each room, neatly cleaned and oiled and lighted, we used to keep it in rooms, and then the beds would be put in the varandah, nulaka mancham they were called and we all start talking, it would all be about us, me and my brother, the special guests, and there were no boundary walls, the neighbours sometimes joined in.

Night silent with occassional bells ringing tied in the cows neck and 8pm, we all used to sit down for dinner, outside, in the open yard, near the kitchen and she used to serve hot rice and little bit of new mango pickle, i used to insist for more but she refused always, and dollops of ghee, avakkaya annam:) and then second round would be the sambhar, shifted to a small bowl, it used to go round and everyone used to complain it is hot but not stop eating, accompanied by vadiyalu ( or papad) the taste was awesome. And comes the third round, yes, the one where we were not supposed to complete the meal without having curds, but we are full" we always complained, but she never would agree.

Satisfied and sweating because of the hot food, we then used to jump into the beds with the visanakarra ( or handheld fans) and start talking again, till late into the night, there is river krishna flowing right in front of the house and the coconut plams, the hibiscus near the cow shed, the jasmine near the kitchen and the big mile stone just in front of the house whre i used to sit in the evenings and watch the boat ( or ballakattu) sail by.

There is much to write but somehow i feel sad and silent, the words don't form sentences, there is a lump in the throat, i miss that place, the people, peddamma lost 25yr old son, my cousin, i still feel its not true and then her daughter, my elder sister had a marital problem and they lost most of the property and left the place.

Its been long back, And i never went back to that place, my brother did, he met the kids with whom we played, but i never went, i have happy memories of the place, now its abondened and no one lives there, the bushes and trees make it look like a jungle, the boat is broken and not many come to this side of the river, the milestone, the river, the big banayan tree are still the same, but everything else changed, I don't want to go back. I have memories, they make me smile, pushing back the tears i gave a stern warning to the husband that he dare not getup from his dinner before having curds. So our dinner was avakkaya annam, sambhar, vadiyalu, perugu. Memories- they make life so beautiful and worth living.

blah blah

Unofficially i will be back in college from tomorrow, Vacation over:( I don't want to go. I am surprised that i am quite sad and silent about going back to work,I want to stay at home, take care of my plants, my house, listen to music, watch movies or in short i just want to do what i want to do.
But not possible, i know, not always we get the luxury of living life the way we want to. We need to make compromises, no controversies, let me rephrase, I need to make compromises, So does the Husband. There are times when he just cannot get up at 5am to get ready by 6am and wait for the cab, i see him mumbling something about taking a leave but in last 6 months he hardly took any leave.
He pushes himself, i guess he remembers the market conditions, the job threats and the EMI we pay for the flat and other random stuff. I on other hand don't remember any such things, every morning when i get up at 7am to be in the office by 8am i look at the other side of the bed and remember the man who is working hard to make it easy in future and i just start getting ready.

Its mutual, the fear of loosing out, the fear of not being able to have a comfortable living for which we struggled hard and the looming past which always reminds of the darkness and helplessness we felt at times as children, When he lost his mom and when my dad walked off. We both know what pain is, we both know about not having enough, we both know about struggle, we both know about being left alone, about being deprived, About broken families and tears.

But all this made us strong, made us understand life. There are times when we get suggestions about having kids, about making more money and about changing jobs and shifting to another country. Times when we just listen, smile and move on with our life. Not that it dosn't hurt, it does. Specially when someone talks about kids, Isn't it supposed to be a very personal and private matter for me and him? For me staying away of about 600km from my family is nothing less than being in another country, and same goes for him, how he gets worried about his dad and feels guilty about being away from him.
The jobs we have are our choice, someone recently suggested we takeup the building association secretary post because our timings are perfect and are back home by 4pm and i am still fuming, we start to office when all others are still tucked warm in their beds, evenings are the only time when we get time to talk,to share or make calls to family, talk about bills and shopping, plan and dream, which we do alot, cook and share a meal together. The ME time and the WE time is in the evenings and we need to balance and we do that. TOUCHWOOD.
Is it so hard to respect someone for what they are? Do you need to voice your opinion about others life so easily? No idea.
I started this post to say something to the husband, just to tell him that "Yes, i dont like to work anymore, yes, i feel irritated to go back to work, but still every morning when i wake up i tell myself that this wont last long. Not everything is as per our wishes, not everyone is what we want them to be, We accept life and people for what they are, we make changes when it becomes impossible to take another step, till then we are like this only, Happy, content, laughing silly, dreaming and at intervals we have bouts of complaints, cribbing, screaming, tears and sadness. Sri, just to tell you that we have a perfect life. A mixture of all emotions, that makes us complete"

So, wish me for tomorrow, wish me that i have a good time at work, wish me that there will be less controversies, wish me that i smile a lot and wish me that i have a good health and wish me to be what i am, wish me that i don't change:)

For today i am enjoying the breeze and the clouds and listening to this song here Let me know if you like the song.

thoda hain....

"chandnii raat mein, ek baar tujhe dekhaa hai,Khud pe itraate hue, Khud se sharmaate hue,chandanii raat mein " the sounds of music fills the house, Thank god that we took the flat to the other side of the road, no traffic sounds, I don't miss looking at the main road lit up and moving vehicles at night, i prefer my silence and my plants in my balcony, and i can see the kids playing with a puppy and a few kids playing shuttle and the neighbor lighting a lamp in front of tulasi plant, I wanted it this way and i got it.

A week's stay at Hyderabad made me realise i miss my home, miss bangalore not as a city but as a place where i made a little place for myself, "mera ghar" When at InLaws place and saw those mango trees and loads of jasmines she pluck for me i dreamed of doing the same for her when she comes to bangalore, but maybe not loads of them, for my jasmine plant in a pot yeilds a few of them, but then:)) I selected the most beautiful....." Thoda hain,thode ki jaroorat hain, zindagi fir bhi yahaan khoobsoorat hain...." from the play list.

"Ankhiyon Mein Chhote Chhote Sapne Sajaike,Bahiyon Mein Nindiya Ke Pankh Lagaike,Chanda Mein Jhoole Meri Bitiya Rani,Chandni Re Jhoom Ho Chandni Re Jhoom" Sanjeev kumar in Naukar if i am not wrong, Its been ages since i heard this song, too many songs:) or say that's why when i find it after a long time its fresh again and as beautiful as ever. Staying alone is a blessing at times, no need to make unnecessary conversations or you need to have a partner who understands your need to be silent and i am lucky i guess:)

"Kya mausam hain,aye deewane Dil,Chal kahin door Nikal Jaaye,Koi Humdum Hai,Chaahat Ke Kaabil,To Kisliye Hum Sambhal Jaayenge,Chal Kahin Door Nikal Jaaye..." Kishore, Lata and rafi, What a combination..
I was listening to this song yesterday, we went on a long long drive, its rare for us, both of us are lazy and not much of long drive and romantic evening kinds:) but we did, yesterday, He insisted and we went, the colors in the sky were matching the mood and the music, well spent evening, and hubby turns to me suddenly and says "Hey i forgot to tell you something, Happy wedding anniversary" Yes, after three days he realized he had to wish me:) On the day of the anniversary we were busy with my brother's engagement, everybody wished us but we had no time to wish each other, i am yet to wish him, well, right time, or say right moment is what i am waiting for:)
Well, what to do, we are like this only:) And i got my gift too, one of my favorite CD's, "Malgudi days" He did notice that i was longingly looking at it last time when we were there:)

Waise, how many of you remember this line from my favorite movie Bawarchi " Its so simple to be happy but so difficult to be simple" aanwala pal jaanewala hai, ho Sake To iss mein zindagi bitaado Pal Jo Yeh, Jaanewala Hai.....

All happies:)

Happy wedding anniversary sri:) Its been a wonderful journey and if not for you i wouldn have been what i am today. Thank you for letting me be what i am, For letting me make mistakes, letting me learn, never stopping me for anything and holding my hand when i fumble. C ya in Hyderabad on May 7th, three years back we were there getting married and three years later we will be there witnessing one more family member getting engaged:) Cheers to many more happy times:)

"too is tarah se meree jindagee mein shaamil hain,
jahaan bhee jaaoo ye lagataa hain teree mahafil hain,
ye aasamaan ye baadal ye raasate ye hawaa
har yek cheej hain apanee jagah thhikaane se,
kaee dinon se shikaayat naheen jamaane se,
ye jindagee hain safar, too safar kee manjil hain