tumhaari meri baatein

Yesterday evening, The twilight was beautiful, the setting sun, the home bound birds and cold breeze and as always the silence, The coconut palms were swaying to the musical breeze, the picture is from our balcony, There is not much noise in the apartments, i felt little sad, three families in the floor are out of town, and the rest stay indoors mostly, i don't know who is in the next floor, the basement is almost empty with no cars, the watchman is sitting silently near the gate watching outside road, The dog from the next building is busy silently sitting and watching the empty surroundings and no kids outside in the basement, the cycles not honking and no screaming or loud cheers from them, most of them have gone home for vacation, But what do we do who made this place a home, Nothing much i thought:)

Watered the plants, watched them glowing in the evening glory, the little water drops look like fresh pearls, Suddenly the sadness gave way to a smile, A smile filled with content, the empty apartment floor or the basement now doesn't seem so lonely, Free and silent it is but these are the good times, before we hit the word busy again, the holiday time and what more can i ask for, i am in my home, sweet home, Friends may join us on 31st, the phone rang...

the neighbors who now double up as good friends called from Ooty, they are starting from there on 30th, her words are still ringing in my head "Neelu, we will celebrate new year together" The family whom i know for less than six months are coming back without having more fun with their family because they didn't like the fact that we are alone here.... Such is life, simple pleasures, simple happiness and simple reasons to smile. I remember what Amma says always "You will get back what you give to others",

smiles, fun, sharing, care, affection, celebrations, Live, Let live, Joy, tears, Pain, sharing, wiping them away, filling life with new colors, Its beautiful to be living, awesome to be blessed with happiness, Enjoy till it lasts, Rest we will see....

I suddenly wanted the silence to go, and the music filled the air, the recent favourite from Rock on filled the air...... Beautiful song and beautiful lyrics........ See you all in the new year, Happy new year guys, have a wonderful time, play safe and make merry:)

"yeh tumhaari meri baatein hamesha yu hi chalati rahein
yeh hamaari mulaakaatein hamesha yu hi chalati rahein
beetein yu hi apne saare din raat
baaton se nikalati rahein nayi baat
phir wahi baatein leke geet koyi hum likhein
jo dil ko, ha sabke dil ko chhu le
baatein suron mein yu hi pighalati rahein
baatein geeton mein yu hi dhalati rahein"

Lage phool hasne...

The bird did come back, with a real companion and they both had the grains and sat on the grills for sometime and flew away. As if to tell me that its fine:)
Back to work tomorrow, almost a month of vacation and a neighbor wondered if i was bored. Alone most of the time, and i don't step out of the house until is needed, what did i do all the day at home? was her question.
Yes, i am that boring person who still listens to radio and songs in the cassette player, enjoys at home, watches silly comedy movies and happy with the two odd friends in life. The vacation was well spent, I beamed. What did you do? she wondered. I painted my house with colors:))) Yeah, i did that, want to see, Here we go..... But she was not amused. What is the big deal? You just buy the flower pots from the nursery and the servant will water them,huh.

I felt angry, I felt irritated and i felt hurt, Is it so simple? To nurture a dream? No, not at all, I live in an apartment, in a busy area where noise pollution and tall buildings take away my smile, I wanted a house, with colors, with peace and silence, and i cannot get one ready made , it had to be nurtured, when i wake up early in the morning i am greeted by these colors which do not appear from the sky magically, i work to make them bloom and its not an easy job of buying a pot and getting it watered daily, Not at all.
I go to Lalbagh where i can save on money, i select the flower pots, i select the colors, i go to their office, pester them with questions about manure, medicines, buy sprinklers, tools and manure mix and carry them all in auto at times, carry them one by one to my first floor apartment, cover the balcony with sheets, tie my hair and get started with planting these, sometimes it takes the whole day to set them all and at times i hire a help so that i can take a few pictures:)))))
Well, not only for pictures, but it is not an easy job. And the end result will be this which i absolutely love and show the husband proudly
( By the way, through all this ordeal husband will be busy having his cuppa with news watching series marathon, and its OK, That is his way of time well spent)

I remember what Amma always said when we used to shout at her for spending all her weekends with plants.. "They are like taking care of the kids, both need lot of care, attention and interest" Well, that is so true, taking care of the weeds, ants, water logging, insects and any disease is a must and i do all that. Every 5 days i check for any unwanted objects of attention and satisfy myself that all is well in the paradise:)


And yes, before i forget , Its not all about money Honey, I don't do all this with just money, with recession, House loan, taxes, other material possessions i hardly have enough bank balance to just spend it all. But i still do it, and for that i again plan, for months together , i forgo certain luxuries, i save like a maniac and sometimes i do this and i am serious.
I save coins, you know, those 50 paise, 1 and 2 and 5 Rs coins and for months together i become a predator waiting for husband to leave the change somewhere and i pounce on it. I put it all in a box, and occasionally i segregate it, count them all, make a note of it in my precious book ( will talk about it some other time) and keep waiting for it to become a decent amount. And this time it was 1349Rs 50P and i spent it all in making a small color riot in my house.

And the palms in the hall are looking really good, and when i sit there early in the morning i feel proud of myself, I did it all by myself, I had a dream, i made it into reality, I live in a house which i turned into a dream house. Yes, i reiterate, I am a boring person by your standards, but i live my own way, End of the day what matters to me is if i am happy by being what i am and the answer is a loud and clear YES.
I am listening to this old song which for me is a beautiful way of telling how every day is such a wonderful experience and it all is in our hearts to feel it...Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii...."

Anandam

Another day filled with silence and i just let it be, waking up late i tried listening to faint sounds of the familiar chirping. They come everyday, the sparrows, One in particular is like a good student, at 7am it comes, eats the grains i keep for it, drink the water and the perches up on to the mirror near the washbasin. And stays there till 6pm, Why the fascination for mirror?Maybe the image makes it feel there is another bird, Illusion perhaps.. But i let it be. He seems to be happy and content, He is been coming past 20 days or more, But then i got worried, It isn't doing anything, but just keeps looking into the mirror, all the time, i had to do something, i covered the mirror with a cloth and it came, confused, sat on the grill for sometime and then it left in the afternoon, and today i tried to hear his chirping, But it was all silent, I checked, it isn't there ,Maybe he will come later, but no, Its almost 4pm, there is no sign of the bird, the water and the grains are still there.

I guess it found a real companion, the one which can fly with him, chirp along and search for food... Maybe tomorrow they both will come back here in search of the grains... For today it left.....I made a bird house, left it near the grill, when they come in search of a home this might help them...

Strangely the whole episode sounded familiar, long back i lived in an illusion too, Most of us who thought we knew the definition of love, life lived like that, In an illusion, but one day it helped to fly, when i was hurt, i was denied that illusion ruthlessly, i thought i will die, i wouldn survive, but i did, i lived to tell a tale of a bird today, Nothing will make me give up in life, that one episode of fighting for survival, fighting the shackles of unknown illusion gave the strength, to get a new positive colorful vibrant life and today i hope the bird finds its true companion, i hope a friend who is hurt and down today and feels betrayed finds that true self soon.

The gardener said i cannot grow a Jasmine plant in a pot, he said i need lot of place, that i wouldn't be able to grow it in my apartment , But i know i would, all i needed was a little care, little more caution a bit of risk, and i was ready to take all the three, care, caution and risk, and today it is proudly sitting in my balcony, when i look at it i know i did the right thing, lot of life's decisions when i take i will do the same, take a cautious risk and be careful too. Life is simple, it just needs to be nurtured in style:)

Long time back a friend was down and dejected with life and i gave him a music cassette, i told him to listen to the songs whenever he is alone, whenever he is depressed, and after 6 yrs he came to Bangalore to be with me for two days and i put the same songs and we both had a knowing smile, which said we can go on, nothing should stop us from smiling and living again and again, no matter what, we wouldn't give up and i am proud of him, he dint give up, And we three friends stayed up late in the night and were listening to the songs, singing and talking and rewinding last 12 yrs, and the three days just went off in a jiffy. You can listen to the song from Anandam(meaning Happiness) here..

One person whom i owe my happiness to, one person who brings a smile so effortlessly in my life, He who does n,t remember his birthday, who cannot react when given gifts, who has a shy smile when given a card and never expresses in words, Wouldn care if it were a black forest cake or a vanilla, but needs to dig into it asap, who would never understand whats the big deal in wishing at 12am, and the one who turns older by one more year, Happy birthday Husband,keep rocking:)

Ajnabi zindagi

There is absolutely no reason, Not any which i can think of, Not for the long silence. I was silent, just like that, absorbing the sights and surroundings of this city, i have been singing..."ajnabi shehar hai,ajnabi shaam hai,zindagi ajnabi kya tera naam hai,ajeeb hai ye zindagi ye zindagi ajeeb hai,ye milti hai bichadthi hai bichadke phir se milti hai,Ajnabi shehar hai" So true and such beautiful lyrics.

Diwali was lonely, most of the so called friends went home and the neighbours smiled and got busy. After lighting the lamps and done with puja we had time, and that brough back memories and memories bring back tears, of happiness, of pain... of lonliness, of missing laughter and the beauty of innocence... all lost, i am an empty man today... long back someone sent it as an sms i guess...
All said and done, this city is my own now, i live here, i now have a subjiwala, a milk man who recognizes me, istriwala, the lady who sells flowers gives me a knowing smile, the waiter smiles at me when i walk into MTR, the salesmen recognize me at SKC and i know in which lanes of chikpet i will get beautiful sarees and where i can find the best handbags and i love the V V Puram lanes where aromas of benne dosas mesmerizes everyone in the evenings, i argue with autofellows,i say "Beda" to the vendors at the traffic signals.

"Namaskaara sir" i greet the old attender near the lift in the college daily. He smiles fondly, I now know that i get wonderful varities of plants at Lalbaagh and i am happy that i find Khadims, Ohris, Sheerkhorma , hindi, panipuri, Masala bhel,pavement shopping, bargaining, jasmines in the evening, dosas and idlis and freshly made coffee smell.....Everything i am used to in the hometown is here too. I have a home here, home, sweet home, which we struggled for, planned for, which we fought over,where to keep the diwan, which side of the bed to be owned, which would be my study table, where will i keep the plants and what music will be played... everything we own... But what i miss the most is the familiarity... the family, friends and the life once which belonged to me...the one i left behind for a new life. A trade off... made after lot of thinking and deliberation but then.."life is not all about using your logic, its about the heart which is filled with emotions..."

I miss what is left behind, i walk down the memory lane with a smile, there is so much to remember, to feel and to relive again, hand in hand we both walk together, over those wet lanes of memory recollecting the shells of happiness and sharing it with eachother... the tradeoff is worth it, Diwali was lonely but i was not alone..........

Birthday:)

Thank you Hip grandma and Sree for the award. I feel great and honored.

I wanted to say a lot, to write again, but words fail me and emotions choke me up, I miss everything gone by and i thank god for what i have today. Thank you for the mails, messages, cards and gifts, and thank you for remembering.

Hope

Pic courtesy : An evening from our Terrace

Its surprising how often I think of you,
turn to speak to you,
and realize you're not right there

i guess i hold you so close in thought
that its hard to understand sometimes,
that you aren't close in person.

"Kisi mausam ka jhaunka tha
jo is deewar par latki hui tasveer tirchhi kar gaya hai
gaye sawaan mein ye deewarein yoon seeli nahin thi
na jaane is dafa kyun inmein seelan aa gayi hai
darare pad gaye hai aur seelan is tarha baithti hai
jaise khushk rukhsaroon pe geele aansu chalte hain"

Its been more than three years, and there are still such memories, such moments which come back, remind me of the time gone by, of the people who walked away, of the tears and pain and the emptiness which filled up, the darkness and silence which just took over and it hurt so badly that there were moments when i thought it was the End. That there is nothing more, I cried, day and night, hoped and wished that you will be back, i wished it were just a dream but then reality dawned and how i wished it never did. Days went by and i just moved on, took lot of time to smile again and to push back the tears it took lot of strength, i took time but i did so.

The words are just a reminder for me that nothing stops, you wont stop living and End is not when you want it to be, it would come, but till then just live, the Hope of a tomorrow will bring a new light. The darkness has to go and it did. Today every smile is so precious and every joy so memorable because i know the worth of it and Thanks to the one who left... If not for you i never knew i had strength, to fight back and to live, I now know about HOPE, thanks to you. Life goes on and i await Another New Day.

And then there is SRK always with his line "Picture abhi baaki hain dost"

Ye Lamha

I laughed at her when i looked at it, made fun of her idea of locking up a 2Rs cookery set,a teddy bear which she got me some 20yrs back,a small hand fan which she bought for me at uttaranchal,a flute which is the only memory left of dad,
those plastic flowers bought at a roadside vendor after 10 min of bargaining, the dancing doll which i got for her, the coconut idol i got for my brother, and so many others in the showcase in the hall, and when she dint let me touch even the glass pane i was angry but then i realized, she is not gathering clutter.

she is locking away the memories, the way she looks at them all once in a day when she is alone reminds her of our childhood, of our past and the days of struggle and the times of happiness, every toy, doll, flowers and items there have a story to say, every thing there reminds me of a past, of togetherness and of love and affection,of never ending friendships .

Time won't come back but these will remind us all of what it was like before and how we always will cherish it all. I moved away from house two years back and he is always busy with his work and she is alone most of the time after coming from office, i know she keeps talking about us all to the servant,
shares the stories with those who care to listen to and every Sunday she will open the glass doors carefully, dust them all and fondly touch them, relive those memories and then lock the glass doors and hang the key near the fridge, she does it always, every Sunday, without fail, Sorry mom, i wont ever laugh at this ritual of yours, you gather these memories and i will relive them all one day,Love you ma.

There is chill in the air, my balcony,the roses and the the plants are all rain soaked, when i woke up and opened the balcony i was greeted with these two lovely roses, with little drops of water and moving their heads as if they are telling how happy they are, and i wanted to tell them that i am happy too, i am soaking in the simple pleasures of life, Isn't it easy?
I let the thought be left alone and covered up in a shawl and got busy with my morning newspaper and remembered one of my fav..."Aye zindagi,ye lamha jeelenede"

Another Day

Nothing happened but still i felt sad, for no reason,i just sat there silently, I stared at people and gave a lost look and they let me be,Thank god for that. And same me was laughing and was seen having fun with a set of students and the people stared at me, and they let me be:)

Yesterday i thought i won't be writing my blog anymore, i was sure!! at that moment, Today i am just typing away:)

Day before i had a dream that i died,i woke up and could n sleep, Husband assured that i won't let him live in peace so easily,so asked me to forget the dream. I am planning to write a will and leave everything to my Dogs:)

I suddenly remembered a moment of my childhood,in flashes, just like that, of a night when we slept on the terrace, counting the stars, there was a power cut and my brother let me sing, and he made me repeatedly sing " lakdi ki kaati, kaati pe ghoda.." Dad sang "Ek akela is shehar mein..." his favorite song, and later it was never sung in this house, never.

That makes me remember, that song, bittergourd, paintings, good hand writings and poetry and music..... Never discussed in my house without remembering dad {with bitterness probably}

I promised myself that i won't take a leave or go late to college and neither will i request for a permission to leave early....Its fairly easy to follow i realised and i wonder why din't i get the idea last year itself:)

I asked him a choice about dinner.."Do you want to have kichdi or Aloo puri or curd rice " and he said "your wish" I made all the three. Don't make faces over the choice, He had to eat everything and say it all tasted great:)

Met someone in the train recently, all four of us hit of so easily and went on talking the whole night, while leaving we all took eachothers mail ids and promised to write a mail soon!!!
I never got one and i never wrote one either, a few journeys, people and dreams are like that,You meet, share a smile, talk,remember for a while and walk off and forget..

I am listening to "Ek hi kwaab kahiin baar dekha maine.." I don't know, it took me three hours to complete the post, i started with a smile,in these three hours i spoke on phone, i met people who knocked the door, terribly disappointed with the workmanship of the carpenter, almost in a rage for the loss and had tears for the designs which i wanted and the reality which it all ended up into. Sometimes, dreams-reality don't coincide or is it always like this only and its only now that i realised?

Well,end of the day,its just time to wind up and go sleep,drift away into the dreamland and it just came to me in flashes again, but crystal clear........

......Another day......Another way
Life is still Beautiful

:)

"TAG" I don't like the word frankly:) Nope, not on this blog, in four years of blogging i did just two tags, and i am tagged yet another time and i dint frown for this one. When i read a post about this at Asuph's blog i mentally started making a list, i felt bad that he dint tag anyone and that no one will even notice it but someone else had ideas and here i am, making a list of atleast five things which changed because of "S" {Atul, my significant other is also S,And i completed this tag in a record breaking time of one day:)))))}

Forgiving people. Yes, now i go back and talk to people who hurt me if they realize what they did, I learnt from S that life is too short to have a grudge forever, But yes, there are limitations here too, he is no saint to forgive everyone, but he is the one who taught me to just forget and move on or forgive and smile again at people who hurt.

Now i know the meaning of "Waiting for the right moment" I now wait, i don't blabber away right away but wait for the right time and an appropriate situation to make my point clear.

Patience- I now have 50% more of it now that i stay with a man who can drive me nuts at times with his ways of living and ideas but i learnt to live with it all, Well, he did the same, so we both benefited.

Colors, I started using colors which i never looked at before, I now have shades of green, brown, black and blue in my wardrobe.

I started appreciating Telugu movies and watch more comedy movies and laugh at some silly jokes without becoming the moral police all the time:)

I eat loads of fruits, thanks to him, my hemoglobin is a record high of 11% after almost 10 years.

I learnt to appreciate life as it is, not to worry about tomorrow and ruin my today. Most of all,i started living all again.

One important aspect i learnt is that everyone in this world is special and great in their own way, They all have their own talents and specialties and its up to us to look around and know about it,So now i don't just ignore this aspect.

I wont say i stopped it all but i judge people a little less:)

And now i know that its all not white and black to what you see in life, there are Grey shades too.And that it wont help to walk straight always, you need to take a different path when needed:)

Well,that's about it, {In fact S would have done a better job i guess,hahaha) and now its time to tag people,bhuhahahaha, I love this part. My list...

According to Atul...."here are the tag rules: Write about the changes that have happened in your life, at least five, because of your significant other. Then Tag five others. If they don’t have a significant other, then any one person, who has caused the change. Please don’t leave the tag alone in the wild.

Stone

Simply Sree

~nm~

Pallavi

Eroteme

Hirdu

Waqt

Started adapting to Bangalore, slowly finding my way, getting familiar and enjoying it too. But the idea of going to Hyderabad still makes me all emotional.I know in this age where people travel from north pole to south pole i am stuck between two neighboring cities and still feel all emotional:) but don't we all come in different shapes and sizes.

If School gave a sense of security and familiarity college life gave wings to fly.School was about innocence and college taught me to be smart.If i discovered a world in school i learnt how to live in that world through the college life, all of it happened in the city i love the most, If the defence school was fun and discipline so were the friends.
My first college was in Nampally and it was the first time i got to travel in bus daily, new dresses were made,new hand bag and sandal from liberty where bought and that's when i realized that i no longer will wear a school uniform and white shoes and red ribbons every day:) and i was handed over to a girl who studied Degree in same college and there started a journey of discovering the city, scared, shy to talk to strangers and silent most of the times i slowly learnt to be independent through this journey,i remember the first day of college where my classes got over by 12pm but waited for the other girl till 4 because i dint know where the bus stop is and was scared to ask a stranger. learnt to get into buses at signals, push and rush into the bus and get hold of a seat for me and for friends too.
Friends, classes, movies, panipuri and flirting, all happened in high doses during this phase of inter to under graduate. Swati tiffin center was our adda and i always ordered chole batura there, and near by sultan bazaar made me always dream of a future when i will have loads of money and buy every dress hanging there in shops:)
If graduation is fun then post grad is responsibility, its about time to learn to be professional and being a management student i did everything to prove myself, campus life is altogether a beautiful exp, getting photocopies, those library hours and then rushing to libraries for reference and sharing lunch boxes with friends and sitting in the garden till 6 in the evening and then rushing for the classes for another course and ultimately reaching home at 10pm in the last bus, amma waits in the bus stand, we walked back through the dark deserted lanes in rainy season while i used to tell her about my daily adventures.

My most fun and beautiful phase is 6yrs of teaching in a college with a 50acre campus and there we were,three in one friends:) we traveled triples from Koti to Tarnaka in rain, ate panipuri as if there is no tomorrow at shivam, went to Lorven to buy loads of gifts, Did crazy things like sitting on the pavement at the ever busy tarnaka flyover to just laugh at a guy who was staring at us, stayed at each others house and all night dancing and singing and our mutual love for Veg fried rice and paneer saw us finding some good and lot of weird places to gorge up on chinese food and we seriously saw some wierd movies together which were senti and emotional and we three laughed it all for 3hrs and one such evening,we hunted down a cake shop at 10pm when he almost was closing it and bought a cake, traveled triples at 11pm,reached home,went for a walk with two dogs in toe and cut a cake at 1am to celebrate Christmas and sang carols and at 4am again went for a walk,sang all sorts of songs and slept at 6am.
Life was good with all of them, friends, family and the job, don't forget my two Dogs, and then....And then marriage happened. One by one and we all parted ways, in the way we lived to the style to the smiles and to the fun, everything changed.......This is another phase.albeit a new city but then such is life, Yet another place and phase and personality to discover.

Gulzar says Here, "kuchh nahin Taharta na Pancham! Kabhee bhi kahi bhi. na tum Thahare, na main hi rukunga. main kya bataaun ki jab aa raha tha to jaa raha tha.
ye gHalat hai ki waqt guzar jaata hai. waqt, time eternal hai, permanent hai. aur kabhee nahin guzarta. Jo guzar jaata hai, wo ham aur tum hain"

Pal

The first rose in our small balcony,A friend said she is glad i am continuing the tradition of having plants where ever i go, I don't know if i will do it so efficiently as mom does, but then for 20years i lived with almost a 100 plants, trees and flowers, throughout the year there were some or the other flowers for puja and some or the other fruit in the house, but now this is all i can do, have a few plants and creepers in my small balcony,
whenever i look at the small area i miss home,but then i remind myself that this is my house, and i cheer up and make more plans, i am going to Hyderabad, to bring ( the special andhra mango pickle} ,coconuts from the garden, guavas ,spices, sweets and then bring a Tulasi, my neighbor offered one but i want to bring it from there, a few memories of how 15yrs back we brought a small tulasi for daily puja and now its a big bush and amma always gives it people who buy a new house and i want to take from her now, for me, with all good wishes.

Yesterday a blog mate suggested we go to Mangalore for a trip as i like temples...I wondered if it is so.How did he conclude i like temples, How much do people know about me just by reading this blog, I like the morning silence,i like the sunrise while entering into the temple,i like to watch people who come there, looking around the peaceful atmosphere makes me calm and soothes me of all the pain, the incence sticks,the dhoopam, the lights and the fresh flowers, Morning glory at its best, what else can i ask god for, so i just fold my hands and stare at him, Nothing more.

Wishes will always be there, but if everything is fulfilled then life gets boring. So my wish is not fulfilled and the wait continues..

Sunday mornings are always beautiful, I mean there are always other holidays, there is a Saturday also but nothing like a Sunday, and we just sit here and read newspapers, sip the coffee and catch up with family and friends and then just staring into the sky from there and talk, simple but my way of unwinding, just staying at home is the best wish i can ask for.

Back to work in a few days again, I don't want to go back and i am surprised, i don't want to work, i want to stay at home, well, certain wishes will remain as wishes forever...or for a long time, Don't they?

Ushaji completed 500 posts and what a journey it has been,I don't remember from when i am reading her blog but she is one blogger who is been a kind of role model,i want to be like her when i reach her age, have a kind of thinking she has,And be gentle as she is and its only she who could have created such an ageless bonding in this virtual world,
Its great to know you here ushaji, keep blogging and keep rocking. And a simple thank you for being what and how you are,And this picture of my favorite kid in this world is for you, and if you see it clearly you can find one more kid of mine too hiding at the back, hope this brings a smile to your face and you are my "Happy Blogger" Yes, that's the title for you,whatever you write, there is a sense of happiness in your words:) Congratulations on 500, waiting for the 1000th post .

Yes,i am back, Officially, in the new house, my house, sitting in the balcony and watching the little rain drops forming beautiful tiny droplets and listening to "sili hawaa choogayi.."
God, i have a wish, and i am hoping that i will soon get it,Will you grant my wish?

Sweet Home

Edited to Add:) I will be back in another week,i am able to read all the blog from my phone but not able to comment and i will get back my connection in another weeks time..so stay tuned. and thank you for the mails, i will be back soon.

It just came out while talking to a friend "You are talking about getting attached to a person, someone who can think, feel and reciprocate, I realized yesterday that i am attached to this house which cannot express anything also" and now when i think of it i know how it feels, Just 14 months back i walked into this house, empty, as if waiting for us to complete it, i started my journey of knowing a city, knowing a new person, a new job, new lifestyle and new everything from this house, The walls saw us laughing, fighting, saw the silence, the tears and the growing attachment and then we are leaving,
I don't know why i am feeling so empty, i just don't know why i am feeling so sad leaving this house, i always kept cribbing that there is no balcony, that there are no neighbors to talk to, that there is no enough light and that i cannot look at the sky and now we are moving into our House.

home sweet home, which we bought with our own money, for which we saved,we planned,we compromised and then the day the priest said its auspicious time and that we can enter into the house we felt nervous,so many people around and so many rituals and we both were standing there, held our hands and walked in,into every room, soaking in the feeling,as if we were asking the walls to recognize us,as if we were making acquaintances,we are excited,of shifting there now, where i don't need to worry if a lock is not working or if the paint is coming off or if the shower broke,i am not answerable to the owner,i don't need to be cautious and most of all,its my house,the one which i always dreamed of.

But then i don't know why i am feeling sad about leaving, it just doesn't go away,the feeling of emptiness, i feel as if i am loosing a part of me, why so much attachment to a house? to a rented house? to something which i don't own?
Strange, when people are redefining or finding the reasons or logics and answers to the relations with parents, love and friends in this world i am worried about leaving a rent house, but then thats how i am, and i am just fine as i am.
Tomorrow by this time i will be sorting things in our house, i will be away from blog world for sometime,till i get a net connection there. Will miss this place,well,not many come here now, but those who do, i will be back soon.

"ye din jo aaye"

Its silent and it usually is,the apartments,the corridors and the surroundings are always silent here,all i can hear at times is doors being opened or closed, And today a friend asked how i am spending my vacation and i said "Eating,sleeping, movies and blogging" and she said "wow,sounds good" I just asked myself, does it really sound good?
Is this how vacation is spent,was it not different when i was a kid. When i dint have a mobile or internet or dvd player? It used to be fun when we finished the last day of exam and knowing how every friend is going to some place, nana nani or mausi's house.And i went to my village, that small village and there i had a smile, or laughter.when was the last time we all laughed out loud, screemed and ran, yes,when was the last time we ran and played without the fear of getting hurt and were covered in dust and sand and sweat but had no fear of hygiene?

When was the last time i woke up the sound of temple bells in the vishnu alayam and shivalayam in that small village,and then there were other sounds, the servants taking the tractors and bullock carts to the fields and someone sweeping the huge aangan and another putting rangoli and where we all cousins just there in the bed looking around,pulling and pushing each other, and then brushing our teeth with a neem stem, we ran to play, yeah,at six am we played, at the banks of the river flowing slowly,not much water there and we just jumped into it from the tree branches near by.No fear or no one to scold and someone walking on the bridge would recognize us "ha haa, Came from Hyderabad isn't it,how is your mom and which class are you in and my cousins would proudly announce it all"

Playing to the hearts content we went home, only when we realized we were hungry, took bath near the coconut tree where a huge tub made of cement had cold water in it and the hibiscus flowers falling from the near by branches,we would scream, fight and finish the bath and then sat in the kitchen, down,on the floor with peddamma serving idlis and loads of ghee and we gleefully tell her stories, she always thought we were thin and held mom responsible for it and we,we just glowed in her love and affection.

Play time again, paaleru or the servants are back from fields to take food for others and we follow them,two km,we just walk to the fields and there it was time for fun again, sitting on the buffaloes {yes,i did} and running in the sugarcane fields we drank coconut water and ate mangoes. scotching heat but it just dosn't make us feel bad,we are having fun and we did it wholeheartedly. came home for lunch and then the discipline starts, peddamma never allowed to play after lunch,she scolded always to sleep and we did sleep,under the huge banyan tree, with those folded beds and played,yes,we sang and we played with five stones or ashta chemma, pacchis and other games, me and my brother were the king and queen whom other children would treat as,we came from Hyderabad you see:)

and the evening arrives with such beauty, "godhulivela" A beautiful word in Telugu which means that time of the evening when all the cows are returning from the fields with bells ringing which are tied to their necks,and the dust raised from the walk tries to match with the red orange sunset over the water,the dust from that red and black clay mud, And there was a mile stone in front of the river and i stand there,kids jumping into the water from that bridge built over the river,it joins two sides of a village, the other side which i can see from this end,but to reach i need to either swim or walk on that bridge,the one which was built 70yrs back.
Time for dinner,Dinner,i smile,the image of very hot rice and mango pickle,ghee, sambhar and vadiyalu or papad as we call and then curd with rock salt and lemon pickle makes me so hungry.the lanterns are lit in all the rooms,the beds are being made outside the side varandah,white bedsheets and pillows and hand fan if it gets too hot,but its never hot in summer also.

jasmines and roses and hibiscus blooming allover and there are not many sounds now,the river looks serene,i keep watching the ripples and the moonlight falling on it and slowly fall asleep,i was not busy but still tired,i dint work much but still very hungry,i dint have a blog or TV but i still feel satisfied,i dint call anyone from my mobile,but i feel as if i chatted the whole day,I have had such a wonderful day,that day,sometime back,or was it long back when i was there?

"Ye din aaye.. lage phool hasne,Dekho basanthi basanthi hone lage mere sapne,...sone jasii ho rahi hain har subah meri,lage har saanj gulaal se bharii.."

"..Pooche jo koi.."

There are times when you just don't feel like doing anything,well at 2am in the night there are very few choices you have but still, Thats the time when i just kept staring at the darkness with a song playing in the background. A song which never got a mention here at this blog.
But its been with me past two years, it was a ring tone and a caller tune on my phone and i had friends who kept calling on my phone just to listen to the song. I wanted to hate the song,I wanted to forget it, maybe because it brought back memories, of someone, of a time when everything looked so perfect and so beautiful, of those nights when I could hear a laughter, where there were promises,there were dreams and this song always played in the background,most of the times there was silence between two people but the song always played.

And one day everything ended, Anger took over, pain became a soul mate, hurt and left alone just wanted to erase memories, of the beauty, of the promises, of the laughter and i started deleting songs, tearing off the cards, throwing off the gifts, burning those pages from the diary, did everything,or did I? I deleted the song as my caller tune, as my ring tone, forgot the song or so i thought. But well, I tried erasing something which was etched in my heart forever, we can move on but forget anything, Still, I kept trying..
Memories come back to you in a flash of the moment, just like that,Isn't it? And tonight it just came back to me just like that,the song, the lyrics and made me wonder, do I hate the song? hate the memories? and somewhere the answer i knew came up to me, NO, i no longer hate anything, the song or the memories....they are a part of my living. Got back to the song, downloaded it but i am still trying to put it back as my caller tune, hope i can do so..
Sometimes simple things bring back such peace in life, maybe its time i made peace with a past which i left far away...... For now i am lost in the music, in the darkness of the night i just close my eyes and move into the distant land of dreams, drift away into the beauty....."Pooche jo koi,meri nishani,rang hina likhnaa,gore badan pe ungli se mera naam adaa likhna......."

..Maine Dil Se Kaha....

3PM,Its raining and the wind and rain are playing their game and and both are not ready to give up,the windows are still open and the rain drops are hitting me fast but the gush of happiness which comes along with it is priceless. "na hai yeh pana, na khona hi hai,tera na hona jane, kyun hona hi hai,tum se hi din hota hai, surmaiye shaam aati, tumse hi, tumse hi,har ghadi saans aati hai, zindagi kehlati hai..." Another beautiful song from Jab we met" Some days it just feels so perfect. you wakeup to the sounds of tinkering bells and silence all around and reminding you that there are no deadlines to follow,you need not rush to work by 8am, Nothing,no planner for the day and no lunch pack or water bottles and purse to search and rush before you get late.No need to smile if you don't want to and no need to answer if you choose not to.

No cooking, doesn't mind, the bread and butter seriously sounds delicious when you are lazy to fix yourself the usual breakfast. Just lying in that huge bed you can read the newspaper,send the sms to as many people you want and make all those calls to friends which get postponed most of the days. And in no time your best friend,your laptop finds a place in your bed to the added list of a mobile,the headphones, a water bottle,a Ulta Perk and a diary and a pen and the newspaper along with you. Complete bliss, everyone around must have gone to offices but you,you have all the free time in the world.

You make a few friends jealous by telling them about your summer vacation and wonder louds how people work without any holidays:) and then you find a fellow blogger and seriously discuss music, and the beautiful." ore piya....." sung by Rahat fateh Ali khan comes to mind. The songs continue and so does the time,but i am not worried about the day coming to an end,it just started,there is whole night, like good old days when i just stayed awake,reading,writing,listening to music,watching the sky, and it feels so right, For one whole month i just have so many things to do and the required time also...Life is good:)
Do you remember the song "Nai lagtha tere bina dil mera,sajnaa abhi ja" from the movie waise bhi hota hain, sometimes random choice of songs in real player throws in a surprise to my delight. Let me soak myself in the colors of music and the rain,the house is still silent and the good times continue.

If anyone finds it difficult to read the blog do let me know:) and lot of changes to be made to the blogroll too...

..........Yeh Mulaaqat..........

"kasak uthi mere mann mein piya, mujhe gale lagaale ,gale lagaalein, jiya dhadkaalein, sapno ke apne sajaale,piya piya o re piya, jiya o re jiya ,tu meri jindagi jahaan tu mera mann wahaan,duniya se kya waasta, tu hi mera saara jahaan tu" What a beautiful rendering and what surprises me is the voice is of Anand Raj Anand.Been listening to the same song past two days. Yup its been two days since the famous and exciting and ever waiting summer vacation started and at last i have a real break after one year. And what a way to start the vacation,on the last day i wished all my colleagues a happy vacation and got into auto and happily singing away and with the widest and brightest of smile headed home,Auto driver had different ideas for me,he just broke a traffic signal and in a hurry to cross over banged into a Maruti car,wow,superb way to start the vacation.
No,i dint break any hand or leg or even my head but I almost broke my back,so three days all i did was to get different X rays and taking different sized and shaped pills to kill the pain and to the rub the salt on the wound an unsuspecting and innocent soul sent me an sms at 10pm saying Hi,i know you must be having a rocking time" Well.....indeed rocking:((
Last year I wrote a post and he added his version. But this year i myself have no interest to write or to celebrate{too busy with the new house} but then its one occasion which sure changed my life,forever. Its been two years, two years since i got married and well we both are still sane and together, May 7th,7am,2006. :) Ye mulaaqat ek bahaana hain,pyar ka silsila purana hain...main hoon apni sanam ki bahoon mein,mere kadmon thale zamaana hain" Happy wedding anniversary Husband:)
I did not update the blog for various reasons past one month, like having a House warming ceremony and the house being filled with relatives of all sorts and being under the same roof with MIL and Mom for a week, and the biggest news is that there was nothing to write,i just dint feel like writing anything,I still read all the blogs,daily,but then writing a post was difficult and i just let it be.At least this is the only place where i can follow my heart and be myself,so i will write when the thoughts flow and the words form into a shape.
100th post, When i wrote at Akruti there were 267 posts by the time i closed it in about two and half years.When i started writing again i dint even know if i would continue but i did,and its been two and half years and a 100 posts today. And i know i won't stop writing ,Lots to say,lots to share and the blog will stay. People come and people go,but those few who still come here,read through,smile,feel,comment and sometimes silent,known or unknown,thanks to all of you,Alapana is here to stay.

Ye Hain Pyar ke Pal

Jasmines,i can smell them, the season is here, i remember home, mom must be going to the terrace every evening to pluck a big basket of these flowers, and then she will make a big gajra and next morning cut them into equal portions and take them to office to give them to her friends, and then watermelons, i can see them all the places and i remember some adv about a refrigerator which has such a nice big portion of melon when opened,i don't know why but i always remember the ad:)

Sugarcane juice and reminds me of my college in Hyd, my colleague always sent the attender to bring ganne ka ras for everyone all summer, the staff room was stuffy,small and only one fan but every afternoon after classes we used to close the windows and switch off the lights,draw the curtains and make the room semi dark and talk,talk and talk.And one such afternoons we would just hop on to the two bikes,two on each and go eat hot mirchi bajjis and samosa ragda and cool off with dahi wada, in 100rs finish stuffing ourselves and come back to talk more.

And on the last day of college while breaking for holidays used to go to each dept and wish them happy holidays, walking under the trees covering our heads with dupattas or an occassional colorful umbrellas we just forgot it was hot,or we enjoyed the hot summer in our own way may be.
At home amma used to water the plants in the evening,she says it would give some cool breeze,and till 11am we just keep the doors open, and go on to the terrace to pour water to cool it a bit and then put the mattress and lie down to count the stars, we always did it,till the coconut trees would add up to the idle chatter with their gentle ruffling of the leaves, and then some time in the night we drifted off to sleep. And when there were power cuts,i used to sing,yeah,show all my knowledge to my brother, who when in good mood would tolerate my extremely bad rendering of "Utte sabke kada,dekho rampam pum, aji aise geet gaya karo" or "Lakdi ki kaati,kaati pe godha.."
Summer starts with Ugadi" the telugu new year and mom would pluck the new green mango from the garden, the mango leaves tied to the entrance,the banana leaves used to have lunch on the festivities are from our own garden and amma always watered the plants saying its too hot and she would n let them wither away.The garden is always green,any season,with some flower or fruit,someone knocking the gate for either mangoes or coconuts or banana leafs on festivities or functions, someone or the other early morning plucking the flowers near the gate to take them to the temple, mom would be putting rangoli at that time the chatter would start instantly only applyig breaks when both the parties remember that they need to cook and rush to office.. I used to carry a water bottle and an umbrella with me all the time:) fun it was,to have a umbrella and it was always same bus with same couple of friends from same colony and at times same seat also,and those unlucky souls who never got a seat to sit would handover their bags or stuff to us, and we used to gladly accept such from strangers also..it was all so simple,life...
The world which i left behind is still same, mom still does all of it, the ex colleagues still have all the fun, but now i just get an sms as i got one today "We missed you" Well, i miss it all too but then when i mentioned it to mom she just smiled. According to her i still will get the mangoes delivered here,i still get to have the jasmines when i go home later this month, i can still meet the old colleagues when i am there,i can still sleep on the terrace and count the stars and can have my lunch in the banana leaf when i go home,What matters is i need to appreciate such simple pleasures and i can have fun forever... Well,mom thats what i will do for my life, never forget good times so when i meet such times again i always will be able to just start off where i left and can enjoy it all, isn't it? Life is truly simple and beautiful,It takes us a while to understand and appreciate it all.

Mere ghar aana zindagi..

"Aalapana,the sounds of music,which is a part of my life,aalapana which changes according to the raga being sung,similar to my words,which change according to my emotions"
The first post written that evening,Two years back when the journey started again.

Two years already,Two years since one evening when i just closed my diary and walked to the computer to restart blogging, two years already since i closed Akruti? Two years since life started all over again,Two years of no contacts with the people who left,who walked away and two years since i turned back to look at people whom i left behind,emotions which i ran away from,tears which now don't roll out so easily and the innocence which i left far behind,Life changed so much and new experiences and new people walked in, happiness and smiles frequented often and tears and loneliness became rare, Happy Two years of existence Aalapana.Thank you for all the new beginnings and thank you for Another New Day.

There are people who come here regularly,some come here,read and go back, silently,I wish you come out and say it once that you do read the blog:) I would have another reason to smile, another reason to write,to keep writing,De lurk people, make me smile:)

"There were tears,when i was listening to this song, to be true to myself there are tears most of the mornings when i am driving on those empty roads, early in the morning when the morning chilled air strikes me fast and furious, i just keep staring at the trees and those flowers fallen on the road,when the music is playing in my ears and there i feel it, a darkness which i keep pushing away but it still is lingering around somewhere deep in the heart,My eyes keep searching for that one similar face in the crowd at the traffic signal, There are no questions to ask or no answers to seek but still the eyes keep looking out and in a few seconds i snap out of the feeling and push away the impending tears and get busy with Life.
The song is an oldie again, 1979, Uttam kimar and sharmila in the movie Dooriyan and sung by Bhupinder and Anuradha Paudwal. I wish i had enough words to describe it.....

Zindagi Zindagi Mere Ghar Aana Aana Zindagi
Zindagi Mere Ghar Aana Aana Zindagi
Mere Ghar Ka Seedha Sa Itna Pataa Hai
Ye Ghar Jo Hai Chaaron Taraf Se Khula Hai
Na Dastak Zaruri, Na Aavaz Dena
Mere Ghar Ka Darvaaza Koi Nahin Hai
Hain Deevaren Gum Aur Chahat Bhi Nahin Hai
.......................
Mere Ghar Ka Seedha Sa Itna Pataa Hai
Mere Ghar Ke Aage Mohabbat Likha Hai
Na Dastak Zaruri, Na Aawaz Dena
Main Saanson Ki Raftaar Se Jaan Lungi
Havaaon Ki Khushboo Se Pehchaan Lungi

Gharonda

If nights are a beautiful visual treat then i am supposed to enjoy it and not sleep all through, Sometimes my own sentences don't make sense to me,and well,thats what i always say,what i feel need not be logical always,and what i say need not mean what i actually feel,confusing,it is,words always confuse me and silence always brings me solutions, i am in a profession where i use words all day,to make others listen to me,to convince others, to make them silent,to make them smile and at times to make them bored too, and its all a play of words and people decide if they like me or not based on a bunch of words, but what makes me smile is when i stand there,on the dais,silent, just watching the surroundings,looking at them and not using a single word and there comes the silence, pin drop silence,all of them looking at me,waiting for me to say something and all i give them is a smile,which just pops up with out my knowledge and they all start smiling too,giggling and then burst into a laughter....Its been 8 yrs into the profession and i am still not bored,i want to be a teacher, and nothing else,and yes,the one who says i am stupid to waste my time,energy,career, i just have a smile for you too:)

Past two days i must have re winded the song " do diwane shehar mein, raat mein yaa dopahar mein,aabudhanaa dhoondhate hai,ek aashiyanaa dhoondhate hain,in bhoolabhoolaiyyaa galiyon mein..." in my mind atleast 20 times, after traveling for more than 200km all around the city past two days and after checking out about 20 apartments we have not yet given up, we will have that ek aashiyana very soon, touch wood:) and by the way the song has the line which goes like..... "apanaa bhee koee yek ghar hogaa,ambar pe khulegii khidkii, ,yaa khidkii pe khula ambar hogaa,asamaani rang ke ankho.n mein, Asmaani yeah aasmani???"
What a beautiful song.....and only gulzar could have said this.......... "jab taare jameen par chalthe hain, aakaash jameen ho jaataa hain,woh raat nahiin fir ghar jaataa,woh chaand yahiin so jaataa hain" Gharonda, the movie was made in 1977 and i enjoy the music till date and so is the film,some things get better with time, Music is one and i say so does your memories:) There was a time when i thought and said Its all over,and today i know i have a long way to go,Not long ago i was walking alone the same lanes and today the hand is held firm and we just walk dreaming about a future, not long ago the tears never stopped and now when i remember i just smile and thank god,for the experience and for the memories, Life gets better each day.

At 1.30am i am listening to the beautiful and one of my favourite from Jhankar Beats which sums it up,...........Tu Hai Aasmaan Main ,Teri Yeh Zameen Hai

Tu Jo Hai To Sab Kuch Hai Na Koi Kami Hai,Tu Hai Aasmaan Main Teri Yeh Zameen Hai
Tu Jo Hai To Sab Kuch Hai Na Koi Kami Hai,Tu Hi Dil Hai Tu Hi Jaan Bhi Hai
Tu Khushi Hai Aasra Bhi Hai,Teri Chaahat Zindagi Hai .."

Ek Lamha

I was in school when the movie was released and i watched it when i was in my graduation i guess but after that i must have watched 10 times when cable TV was not the in thing and we could see regional movies on Sunday afternoon and one lucky day i watched it in Telugu also, one of the best movies of Indian film industry and with Maniratnam and Illayaraja nothing can ever go wrong.

There was no sign of sun rays yet, its cold but i enjoy the fog and i just kept walking, First time, yeah, its been a year since we shifted to Bangalore,Yes,exactly a year and first time of this one year i ventured out alone to walk to the temple,Something i just have forgotten to do after coming here,
but today i wanted to,i felt like running away from the confines of the flat,which for most of the day is locked or closed and curtains drawn and in silence.I wanted the fresh air,i wanted to hear the voices,And i set off,to the temple,it was too early for the ultra modern Bangalorean to wake up and venture out on a cold winter day and the sounds of chirping birds and barking dogs greeted me and i smelled coffee, heavenly coffee being brewed, Wonder why i never tasted it till date but it felt good and then the song came to me, of the movie i mentioned, MOUNA RAGAM, the tamil version, i don't understand the lyrics and for the first time,its dint matter, i heard the song coming out from some where, someone who is listening to Illayaraja at 6am on the first of January,wish i knew who it was.......but rest of the walk,i was humming,...."nilaavae vaa sellaadhae vaa, ennaalum un ponvaanam naan,enai needhaan pirindhaalum ninaivaalae anaiththaenae,nilaavae vaa....."

And i put on the ear phones,i love my new phone,and everytime i remember i stored 150 of my fav songs and the truth that i can hear them anytime widens my smile.. " Tumne to aakash bichhaya,mere nange pairo main zameen hai,dekhe to tumhaari aarzoo hai,shayad aisi zindagi haseen hai,aarzoo main behne do,pyaasi hoon main pyasi rahne do,katra katra milti hai,katra katra jeenedo,zindagi hai, behne do.."

The greenery around,empty roads,the pink flowers covering the sky and there was still no sign of the sun rays, the chill was making me numb but the feel of it all made me walk further more,"lisening to"Ae zindagi yeh lamha jee lene de,Oh, pehle se likha kuch bhi nahin,Roz naya kuch likhti hai tu,Jo bhi likha hai, dil se jiya hai,Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de"

Fresh flowers, chandan, coconuts,the omkaram, archana, kumkum, haldi, the incense sticks smelling heavenly, bare feet on the cold floor and the deity all decorated beautifully, a sense of calm when i sat there silently, "bas ek chup sii lagi hai nahii.n udaas nahii.n,kahiin pe saans rukii hai nahiin udaas nahiin,bas ek chup sii lagii hai"

she came and sat next to me,just for two minutes, must be of 5 yrs, absorbing the silence maybe, she was wearing her silk blouse and skirt and with chandan on her forhead and a rose in her hair,she looked so beautiful,maybe the innocence and a simple smile can make anyone look beautiful, she just sat there while her mother and father did the parikrama, then slowly she went to the near by plant and touched the flowers,slowly, she was touching the dew drops,and then she smiled,first slowly and then she ran,laughing,and i heard her telling her dad about her discovery, "Did it rain" her question.. and he was explaining.."No,but..."
i just walked off, Leaving her with her dad, with just one question still at some dark corner of my world which is lingering around for past 17yrs.. Does he miss us? how is it to be with both dad and mom.Strange,certain questions never leave you. do they???
"Ek roj zindagi ke ru-baru aa baithe..., zindagi ne poocha..dard kya hai..? Kyun hota hai..?
Kahan hota hai, yeh bhi toh pata nahi chalta....,Tanhai kya hai aakhir...?Kitne log toh hain...fir tanha kyun ho...?,Mera chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha...,main tumhari judwa hun...mujhse naaraz na hua karo...!!"

And there it was,the first rays of sun gracing the world gently and the numbness in my limbs is off,rubbing my hands together i rushed back home,to the silence,to the closed indoors,to the confines of my flat,to get ready,to face the world in a few minutes,when i come out at 8am to leave for work,i can never hear that song from mounaragam, no birds chirping around,the dew and fog vanish and so does the silence and freshness but then there is always Another New Day..Isn't it:)

"abhee alawidaa mat kaho dosaton,jaane kahaa fir mulaakaat ho,beete huye lamahon kee kasak saath to hogee,,khwaabon hee mein ho chaahe, mulaakaat to hogee,ye saath gujaare huye,lamahaata kee daulat jajabaat kee daulat,ye khayaalaat kee daulat,kuchh paas naa ho paas ye saugaat to hogee"

Before i forget, A Happy New Year To All Of You Out There,yes,to you too,the one reading the post now:)